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Depression and Choices

Old 01-04-2005, 01:24 AM
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Depression and Choices

Ok I was doing well in no contact mode since New Year's Eve night. I haven't talked or responded to any phone calls or messages that my AH, who is staying with another woman, has sent since then.

Today of course...all out the window. I stayed home from work today & he came in about 9am to take a shower. (Don't know why). He spoke to our daughter who told him I was sick and then he left. He called a little bit later, I still didn't talk to him. He talked to our daughter (who's 4)and just wanted to make sure I was ok. He kept sending text messages, sending me songs to listen to on the radio, same old games. This is all after he spoke to his mom yesterday. She told me that he told her he wanted to come home. Blah blah blah

So he sends me a picture message of some flowers with some music. It was really sweet actually. So I finally replied, "ok you got me with the flowers, thank you."

Well that was stupid, I shouldn't have replied. So then I get a series of texts:

"I'm just sick of my life. U can't begin to know, I can't understand it so I know you can't. I'm sorry but I truly am sick of life!"
I respond that he has choices to make. He can CHOOSE to change his life if he wants to.

"U just Fing don't have a clue, u don't know." I say, U have choices, have a nice life with the ***** you chose.

"You will regret that I swear you will see soon." I say..I have nothing to regret live life in the bar with your skank...He says "you will when I'm 6 feet under." I repeat again, it's not my fault it's your choice.

He says, "I know. I don't blame you for my wanting to die! It's my feelings and I just hate myself" I say again, It's your choice, you live with her by your choice. You ignore your wife and daughter to drink hang with the skank."

He says,"It's my depression! My hate for myself, my hurt, my shame." I say, DO SOMETHING!! You don't talk to me, you don't go to counseling that you asked me to set up. You spend your time with her, what should I think, that you're just "Friends" You choose everyday!

He says, "u just can't understand" & sends me an I'm sorry picture. I say, "if you were sorry you would do something. Have a good night, I'm sure you will be with skanky soon." He says, "I don't know what a good night or day is"

That's it...I didn't respond anymore. I don't know what the heck to do anymore. He is a very depressed individual. I can't make him go to counseling, I can't make him get help for his drinking. What else am I supposed to do?

Great now he just called here. We argued again. Because of the stupid Other Woman (OW). He says I'm not happy here. I say well you still choose to go there. That's because I won't be happy at home either. Well then obviously you're less miserable with her than you would be with your wife. I then raise my voice to say, Damn it. I want to help you. I'm sick of your thoughts of suicide. I can't do anything to help you. I'm just supposed to sit by and say nothing. Have a great evening with the *****. CLICK!

Oh you guys, I just don't understand this. He is depressed. He continues to drink. I know in my gut that he will not live another 5 years if he continues on this path of self-destruction. It scares me. I don't want him to die. I honestly think that is what will happen.

My counselor tells me to just keep up the no contact, because it bothers him so much. That maybe that will finally get him to make a decision on his life. He can't keep going on like this because he is killing himself slowly.

I'm sorry...this post is longer than I expected. I just don't know what to do. The suicide thoughts are not empty threats. That is really what he feels. He has attempted it twice in the past. I am just beside myself trying to do what's right here. Right for our daughter, for me & for him.

All I want to do is hold him in my arms and tell him it will be ok. That we will get through this together. But he has too much guilt for what has happened that he can't even talk to me. And why would he when then I argue with him about the OW.

As I stated recently in another post, I am certain he is Bipolar because it runs in his family. It hasn't been specifically diagnosed because his heavy drinking won't allow for a certain diagnosis.

So when I try to do NC it is hard when he says things like this. I won't talk to him any more tonight. Although I doubt he will call again as he is probably with OW now.

I know with the alcohol, he has to choose to make the change in himself. I'm not so sure about the depression though. He has good times too where we can talk, but it's all empty promises of wishes he could do, but never does.

It is so hard. I really do love him so very much & it kills me to hear the pain in his voice and in his words. For me it has never been about this OW. She means nothing to me. It continues to be about his drinking and depression. But he can't get past it.

It is so frustrating to watch someone you love continue to beat themselves up everyday.

I've told you guys here before that I also post on an infidelity web site too. Well here was a response I got from someone there. I am posting it here because of the message she gave me. That I hope all of us here know in our hearts.....we are doing all that we can do.....here's her response:

That's just it... it's self destruction, and before you went NC, he was dragging you down with him. When you aren't talking to him, you feel stronger. As soon as the dialog starts, it all becomes about him and how miserable he is and what he needs.

Well, honey, he's broke and you can't fix him. He's looking to anything and everything to fill that empty place in his soul, but nothing is working. The alcohol didn't work, hanging with his friends at the bar didn't work, and the OW certainly isn't working.

You are not to blame for this. I know that you are scared because you wonder if you did all you could. So I'll tell you... YOU DID ALL YOU COULD. The choice to make things right is entirely his. The choice to try to live a healthy life without his sickness is yours.

I wish you well.


Thank you all for reading!
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Old 01-04-2005, 09:04 AM
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leem - you are not alone in your feelings. I'm there with you. It's kind of like the chicken and the egg which comes first. The drinking because of the depression or the depression because of the drinking. I myself think that the drinking in a self medication for the depression. Unfortunatley alcohol is a depressent which makes the problem worse. But you can't treat the depression while he still uses alcohol. Now that the alcohol isn't working he's moved on to escaping with the OW. Now that isn't keeping the depression at bay. You have done everything you can. Eventually, hopefully he will run out of temporary fixes and will be forced to face the real problems that took him down that road.

But you and I both still love our A's and it hurts so much to watch this unfold. I think sometimes that we ouselves want to fix this for them, not as much from being a codie, but so that we ourselves can stop hurting. We struggle daily with the fact that we can't fix it. Comming to terms with that leaves us so sad that we start spiralling down the depression road ourselves. That's why we have to save ourselves. Even if it means loosing something we love dearly, we have to do it for our own sanity.

You are doing great, and I know it is just so hard to keep doing it, but you can.

B
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Old 01-04-2005, 09:38 AM
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You aren't alone, I struggle with many of the same issues with my hubby. I wish I could say I've found answers especially in reference to where action or advice would differ from that given to family of alcoholics with mental health problems.

I can understand how frightened you must be, when we were just friends (before marriage) - years ago, I feared for my husbands life. I detatched lost contact and thought he was most likely dead for nearly 10 years. I never looked for another man.

He came back years later and much better in himself, the improvement was astounding. Since then I've often wondered whether knowing what I know now if I'd have done things differently all those years ago. I think the only thing I would change would be to nag less, beg less, try and stop him less, none of the begging ever worked anyway.

Whatever happens now,then and in the future all I can do is act to the best of my knowledge and belief, it will always be flawed no matter how much I read or learn. The best of scientists disagree with mental health so I've accepted that there is no real chance of me finding ultimate truths - this means I will always be likely to do the wrong thing sometimes.

The other thing I try to accept is that even knowing my actions can have a bad effect sometimes, it isn't my fault when he's ill. Sometimes I can do something which shouldn't cause any harm - depression or anxiety means it does cause a problem BUT that's the illness not me and often not him.

That he's at risk ISN'T your fault - you know that don't you?
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Old 01-04-2005, 10:44 AM
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What is it with A's and "Nobody understands ME" b.s.?

I've heard the "Nobody understands what I went through in the Army." So he finally agrees to go to marriage counseling with me. The shrink was a specialist in marriage and addiction. After a couple of times, my AH quit going, although I continue to go. Bottom line: the shrink just didn't understand my AH's life in the Army and how it "screwed" him up.

So I suggested, "Call an Army chaplain. They're deployed all over the place, have to leave their families for a year at a time, and they counsel people from the perspective of knowing what the soldier goes through."

Does he do it? Nah. Still grouses about "nobody understands me." Depression and alcoholism go hand in hand. I agree that depression probably comes before they get to the point of being full-blown alcoholics, but since alcohol is a depressant it merely feeds their already-existing depressed mental state.
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Old 01-04-2005, 11:46 AM
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I would like to add that because there have been previous suicide attempts, that if he makes one to you again, find out where he is, call the police and report it.
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