Ituvia

Thank you. My parents have said that I could stay here as long as I need. I'm just so lonely and miss him even though I know he's not been giving me any comfort. I am so scared and it hurts to even think where I would be. He has been my whole life all these years. When we got married I prayed to all the forces of the universe to keep us happy and together. I don't know why none of my prayers are answered. I don't know if he is actually unable to change or if it's the childhood trauma that's keeping him from getting the help.

I thought I finally found someone to build a life together. It's all gone to the waste. Eight years just wasted.

Ituvia

How do I stop myself from going back to him for more hurt? Right now I'm away from him so I'm able to get some perspective but how do I keep reminding myself that it's not going to get better when he shows up? I need to be firm but I am also incredibly emotional. He took care of the dogs and he always seemed to take care of everything around the house too. It's so confusing. Sometimes it feels like it's not so bad afterall.

thequest

Third parties tend to see things differently and aren't privy to all the details which makes advice that's not necessarily practical or easy to do. Is the advice good, absolutely. Knowing and doing are two different things. You seem to have the situation assessed right now. So now what will you do.

SparkleKitty

Start by accepting that whether or not you go back to him is one of the very few things in life over which you have total control. You are not at the mercy of anyone's feelings, including your own.

Ituvia

I do not want to go back to him. I have been telling myself that. He has been calling my parents and telling them that he is willing to invest all of his time to making this right. I don't know how to explain it to my parents but this really is another manipulation of his. Since nothing 'major' has happened. He is trying to make me look unreasonable. He is trying to make it look like he is putting a the effort and I'm just giving up.

Ituvia

I don't think he'd agree for a mutual divorce. I'm hoping to god that he doesn't read these threads.
He is going to put up a lot of fight. He is going to dredge up something to pull me down.

thequest

The big thing if things get legal is tell the truth(personal opinion only). Rather than get tripped in a lie or complicated story I've found owning something no matter how negative helps even if it's just accepting a premise. Remember he has to tell truth or disclose as well. I don't how much blaming or opinion can come into formal proceedings.

I also wonder who is reading addiction related internet and social media because I'd venture to say many A's have friends that were or are trying to change themselves. Or use it to vent. And if they did find out maybe a lawyer could make social media work to your advantage.

Ituvia

He doesn't speak one iota of truth. I've been getting revelation after revelation each day away from him. It makes me so sad and it's like a dream died. Dream of a good future. Dream of us.

suki44883

You can have a good future, Ituvia. A good future isn't tied to him. You can make a great life for yourself with someone who appreciates you and loves you. However, you can't have that if you keep trying to hang on to this guy.
Stop touching the hot stove, allow your burns to heal, then find someone who will treat you the way you deserve.

Bekindalways

Losing those dreams hurts like all holy hell. I hope you are getting through the days the best you can.
Lots of folks here have kept a list of all the bad things their A has done. They can then check the list whenever they start feeling things weren't so bad.
Big hug.

dandylion

Ituvia, I suggest that you not expect your parents to understand. They won't be able to. They are of a generation and a culture which prevents them from doing so.I think it is enough to tell them that you are miserable in this marriage and that you cannot and will not live like that. You have this right.They do not live in your skin and they do not live in the marriage.And, you will have to stand your ground on this subject.

alwayscovering

I didn't listen either. You can't get help until you're ready. It took me 3? 4? years before I walked into an al anon meeting. Even then I still didn't do it for the right reasons. So no apologies. You're ready now. I'm sorry you're going through this but you'll find a wealth of information here as well as tremendous support.

velma929

No one ever knows what someone else's marriage is like. Ever. You don't know what your parents' marriage is like, either. What is acceptable for one person may be a deal-breaker for another.
Because I stayed with my husband until the bitter end, I was starting over at the age of 53, widowed. If you think it will be hard NOW, it won't be easier in 30 years.