Ituvia

Dandy, thank you so much for your last comment. I have been trying to make my parents see my side of the issues today and they've been so dismissive. I am staying with my parents now because I quit my job and was to move abroad. Plus in our country after marriage, the families are involved. It's such a strange place to be because I basically begged them to not send me off to him because I'm scared and may not have the strength. While I'm trying to gather the courage to NOT go back. I felt powerless and needed their support but ultimately they are from a generation and place where words like abuse and manipulation don't exist.

Ituvia

I have reached out to a counselor today. I was narrating the incidents and he told me that AH is exhibiting some kind of personality disorder and that he wouldn't be able to diagnose it without speaking to him due to ethical reasons and that I would need to gather my support system. I've stopped talking to every one of my friends because I've either melted into the relationship or he has a problem with all of us. He called one of my friends ' a raging schizophrenic' and another one 'probably drinks in the morning' and that he is seeing signs of an alcoholic in her. It's so confusing because I have no idea what reality is anymore or who is what anymore.

suki44883

Of course he is "diagnosing" your friends. They are part of your support system and he just can't have you getting support from others. It could lead you to understand that you don't have to put up with his issues.
Just because he isn't honoring your request for space doesn't mean you have to have any contact with him. The very fact that he is still trying to talk to you after you asked for space proves that he doesn't care about your feelings. You aren't required to answer the phone or return texts or emails. If you want space, then it's up to you to take it.

Ituvia

I have blocked him everywhere. I have informed my parents that I don't want to speak to him.

Damaged2

Ituvia - Thank you for coming on to this forum and for sharing your heart. I have been with my AH for nearly 29 years and I am struggling with a lot of what you have already written. I appreciate that you've been together for 8 years, but I would caution you that if it's like what you describe now, it's only going to get worse in the future. I know it's hard and I can't even begin to advise you on what to do because I'm in the middle of that process myself, but I can tell you that things only get worse. 8 years might seem like a lot of time (and it is), but triple it and imagine your life then. Starting over sucks....but there could also be some wonderful surprises waiting for you.
It doesn't matter how many years there are --- if someone has an addiction that they aren't doing anything about, things will just get worse and worse and worse. And the longer you're in it, the harder it will be to get out. (speaking from experience on this)
I wish you peace.

Ituvia

Thank you and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with it. I had a chance to run away three years ago, I didn't take it. I have a chance again to break free from this person and I'm trying with all my might to take it. I am a very reactive person and so my parents don't seem to believe me when I tell them what he is like. I've had series of failed relationships so it makes it all the more worse. I desperately want someone to validate my feelings and tell me I'm not a horrible person or an angry person and that it's not mutually exclusive to what I've been subjected to. I wish I could articulate it better.

Damaged2

I can relate to so much of what you've written and my heart breaks for you. I came onto this forum 6 years ago and didn't listen so I'm also back here again. I'm afraid I don't have any good advice to give you because you and I are in the same place in our relationships with our A's. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone, and good for you for coming back. For some of us it takes a long time for this to sink in and that's okay. There's no right or wrong here. It's about you and what's best for you. I guess if I had advice to give it would be keep doing what you're doing --- interacting on this forum, reading books, listening to your body. One thing I've started doing is journaling all the conversations (and fights) my AH and I have and specifically the promises he makes. I need a visual record so that I can go back and see because my memory sometimes fails me. (That's a coping mechanism I have from an abusive childhood.) But writing it down makes it more real and gives me strength to say to myself: "You don't deserve this; you deserve to be treated lovingly and respectfully. You deserve to be with someone who loves and adores you and treats you accordingly." Maybe something like that will help you, too.

Damaged2

You are articulating it just fine! And you are not a horrible person or an angry person. You are living with an addict. It takes a huge toll on everything and everyone. I wish I could give you a hug. I'm so, so sorry you are dealing with all of this. See my longer post, too.

Ituvia

I will. Thank you.

My parents think that because I'm an angry person(from childhood) this is bound to happen or that they could see that why I would have relationship problems. I am unable to tell anyone that my anger has been used by this person against me. In every occasion possible, he has used it against me. And now it has come a full circle. When they refused to understand what I was saying, I just exploded and cried.

dandylion

Ituvia…..there is a saying in recovery circles...."Don't go to a hardware store to buy fresh bread". I suggest that you not engage in discussions about your marriage, in any detail, with your parents. As you say...they are from a different generation and a culture that is not going to understand your life as a woman. You put yourself in an impossible situation when you engage with them about it.I understand that you must respect your parents...but, it doesn't mean that you don't get to own your own life and your own feelings. They got to live their life the way that they want...and, you are entitled to the same.You can listen, respectfully, if they express their Opinions to you....but, you don't have to follow their directons. You can say...."I respect your concern and I will take it under consideration...but, in the end, I will have to make my decisions and live in my own skin". Then---end the conversation!!Remember, that everybody has an opinion...but, they don't get a VOTE.
In order to live your own life...you have to take the reins. Others may not like it...and, they might disagree...but, that doesn't change the fact that It is up to YOU to take the reins.
I suggest that you talk about your marriage and relationship with those who understand and who do not have their own agenda to push. I understand from your past threads that you have a psychiatrist, a counselor and have attended alanon…..these are the people who can help validate your feelings and offer you objective feedback....And, of course...you always have US...lol......

Ituvia

Everyone I spoke to is asking me to leave the relationship and start over. While I understand it, I had extreme fear couple of days ago because I suddenly had a thought "I" was the narcissist. Or maybe I have selfish tendencies. For as long as I can remember I have been very reactive. All of these traits plus inability to regulate emotions is causing me intense distress.

dandylion

Ituvia….I notice that you describe yourself in very negative terms. I lets me wonder if you have not received a great deal of criticism in your life...by those whose approval that your sought/needed...like, maybe, caretakers or associates? To address one thing...about narcissism...I am not an authority, of course...But...all of us have some "narcissisic" aspects to us....which is normal and necessary, at times. Totally normal. But...I think you can put the idea of a Narcissistic Personaliyt Disorder to rest...because those people have no insight as to their condition, and, furthermore,,,they don';t even care!! They don't strive for self improvement and you will rarely see them darken the door of a counselor, or a psychiatrist, or a self help group or fellowship...unless forced to by the Law. they never (genuinely) say "What is wrong with me?". None of that sounds like you. It sounds like you might have lost yourself and your voice in the attempt to mold yourself to the demands or criticisms of the important people in your life...like your parents and imtimate partner.....or the social demands, at large.This is all to familiar to those of us on this forum...lol.I realize that the virus shut-down is a complication, just now...but, I think you could really...really...really use some face to face interactions with some non-judgemental and understanding people...like an alanon group....or, at least some phone conversations with some people with an live human voice. Was your "intense fear" like a panic attack?

Ituvia

Yes it was like a panic attack. I was awake for a long time and was askign my mother tbe times I have been selfish. I've had some childhood trauma too but I never thought they were a big deal. I've always been told that I have to control my anger. And my AH has always said that it is due to my anger he is unable to be intimate or talk or myriad of other things. I have been to therapy with him and after two sessions he says the therapist doesn't know anything. So we stopped going.

Damaged2

Like Dandylion said, I'm no expert either. But in my experience, anger is a lot of times a symptom of deeper emotions. Anger can be easier to express than sadness or grief. I was diagnosed with depression some 20 years ago and anger was one of my biggest symptoms. It was a mixed up muddle of feelings and emotions that I had never been able to express as a child (due to various reasons). So, in my very humble opinion, "controlling" your anger isn't necessarily what you want to get to. Perhaps understanding "why" you have anger and then tackling that. Also, don't downplay childhood trauma. That can be extremely impactful to a person's whole life. There is something called the ACE questionnaire - Adverse Childhood Experiences - that people use to assess where a child might be socially/emotionally. Even one adverse experience (friend's suicide, any kind of abuse, etc.) can have lasting scars. I think we (especially women) are taught to let things go and one you reach adulthood to let whatever happened to you as a child go and just sort of get on with life. But in reality it's not that simple. "Stuffing" your emotions sometimes means they come out sideways and look like anger. Then people (parents, other adults) tell you to "control your anger" instead of maybe digging a little deeper to understand what you are really feeling. I agree with Dandylion in that you need to be discussing all of this with people (counselors, Alanon, etc.) who are really going to listen to you, not judge you, and help you find your own voice.

P.S. My AH has also told me that he is sometimes fearful to approach me because of how I might react (anger). Well, I'll tell you one thing, my anger towards him is justifiable. He has done and said some things that are almost unforgiveable. So, shocker! I'm a little pissed off. And, surprise! just because he's ready to sit down and have a calm discussion doesn't mean I am.

trailmix

It might be a good idea to make a list of every hateful and mean thing he has said/done to you, so you have a hard copy in front of you. Now, is your anger unwarranted? The going to a therapist twice and them not - knowing anything - is that true? I think the best way to approach some things is to look at the facts. This is what happened, this was his reaction, is that a true way to look at it? You are ok by the way, yes you may be feeling anxious and panicky, that's not really surprising from what you have described. I have had severe anxiety and panic attacks before, I know what you are talking about, it's scary and makes you feel really vulnerable. Never forget that if you get yourself out from this major stress (however you choose to do that) those feelings will eventually diminish. I hope you are going to continue to talk to the therapist, that can be really helpful.

Ituvia

It feels like it's some kind of withdrawal. I'm unable to explain it clearly. It's giving me restless and sleepless nights. My RLS came back and I couldn't sleep.

dandylion

Ituvia….what does RLS stand for?

dandylion

Ituvia. I figured it out, myself. It is Restless Leg Syndrome. Right?

Ituvia

Yes its restless leg syndrome.
I am just consumed by this thought of what if. How do I start from the beginning. How do I start where I don't have a job or a place to stay. I know this relationship never gave any fulfilment and I know I have to cut my losses.
He has been calling my parents everyday and asking them to give me messages and telling them he is speaking to every one of his friends and trying to get help. The therapist he supposedly spoke to, called me and asked me what was going on. He also informed me that he never called again for the next appointment. He keeps saying everything is going to be different but how would it be different? Nothing has changed.

trailmix

Is it possible to ask your parents to ask him not to call again? If not, just ignore his messages perhaps.

He's talking to his friends and hasn't bothered to follow up with the therapist. There is no action here indicating he is making any true effort at all, you're right, nothing changes if nothing changes.

As for his Mom calling you, perhaps don't answer and let it go to vm and then just delete it. The last thing you need right now is a lot of noise coming at you from all directions.Is it possible you can stay with your parents while you look for another job? It can't hurt to ask. Then, when the time is right, after restrictions have been lifted, you can seek a job and an apartment to rent, just to get you started.
Focus on yourself and what you want. As for him, now may be the time to let him take control of his own life. Calling friends is not seeking recovery, he needs professional help.