Ituvia

I came to this forum three years ago. Heartbroken and in pain. My the. ABF hurt me deeply and left me. I was asked to nor turn back and to run. I was asked to work on myself. I was asked to not wait for him to come back. I didn't listen.
He came back after three months of rehab. Three months later, I took him back. Three years later, we got married six months ago. But nothing changed. Alcohol is no more in the equation but nothing has changed. He is still blaming me for his emotional unavailability. He still engages in circular arguments. He still continues to evade sex and emotional intimacy. Numerous attempts to find therapist and getting him help have all failed miserably. He doesn't drink but smokes up regularly. I didn't believe him when he created chaos in his wake when he broke up. I didn't believe him when he was showing me who he was. I believed in an ideal version which never existed except in my mind. Due to the pandemic, we've been forced to hunker down with my parents and it finally occurred to me that he is emotionally manipulating me. I am not sure if the things he did constitutes as abuse. I've asked him for divorce but he says he wants to go to therapy I am not sure if he is narcissistic. My reality has been totally shattered. It's been two days since I gained some distance from him and I've never felt such dizziness before. All the lies, excuses and behaviour started to make it to the surface.
I'm sorry I didn't listen to any of you. I'm sorry for for myself that I've made a huge mistake by marrying him. I had the chance to run but I didn't. Someone here once said that We" go back for another shot of the same poison" , and I did. And I'm dying again.

Zevin

I’m so sorry for what you are going through but you do NOT need to apologize for how you dealt with your situation. What’s important NOW is....do you have a plan for going forward?The circular arguments, the emotional distance he has put up between you 2 as a couple sounds—awful. If you are done with him (and it sounds like you are) start making the plan to unravel yourself from this mess. If he’s not drinking but still getting high, he’s an addict and no matter what you say to a stoned person, he’s not going to change until HE MAKES THAT CHOICE.
If you were me...I’d tell my younger self to just leave NOW.

Ituvia

I have not made any plans yet. Courts are shut. We are under a lockdown. He made my life hell even when I told him I'm ok with him not giving me intimacy. I've blocked him to get some peace of mind but he has been calling my parents and his mom has been calling me and asking me to speak to him.
ive spent eight years with this guy and I thought alcohol was the cause of all issues between us. It looks like it runs much deeper than that.
I'm shattered beyond words but I don't think I can stay anymore. My parents don't seem to understand when I try to tell them how he was controlling. And how he was manipulating me.

Eauchiche

Dear ItuviaWe have all made mistakes. You are in good company here. It is never too late to learn from our mistakes and move forward.
The main thing I read in your posts, is that the focus is completely on HIM. You need to get the focus on YOU. We are here to support you.

Ituvia

I see that very clearly. Three years ago it was all about him. Now it's all about him. I want to learn how to be there for me. How do I do that?

honeypig

Just take the same steps you were contemplating taking but then didn't take, back when you were at SR before. Go find your old posts and re-read them, not to beat yourself up but to see what you can learn and maybe already HAVE learned.

Traffic is very light here lately, so you might find it useful to do as much reading of older posts and the stickies as you can in lieu of getting a lot of new posts.

I'm not a huge fan of Alanon meetings that are not f2f, but I think phone and online meetings may be your only option at this point, so you could give that a try. There is a lot of Alanon literature available through Amazon, and the used books are usually very reasonably priced; that could be helpful also.

It's going to take time for you to get everything sorted out, no matter how much you might want to make up for lost time. When I was brand new, I was continually being told to "do the next right thing." After a while, this advice made me want to scream, but you know what? It was absolutely on the money. Find one thing, no matter how small or large, that you can do that you feel is moving you forward and then do it. Then repeat.

Hang in, Ituvia. We've all had our moments of thinking we are that "special couple" that will defy all the odds. You haven't done anything that many, many others haven't done before you. What's important now is what you do w/the realization that you're not where you want to be.

Ituvia

I found a therapist online and she was asking me not to make any decisions during the crisis. I had my own crisis going on i just couldn't be under the same roof. he just didn't bring any joy. when asked why he is always on his laptop, he says he is doing a course to better himself and to take care of us. he has been sending me messages since last night that he wants to go to therapy. My heart is telling me that this is just another ruse.

Zevin

You know better than anyone if all of this is a ruse.

Ituvia

I read some posts about how the cycle of abuse goes on for a long time. I said that I wouldn't go back to him last time but I did. How do I not do that? I've read my posts and it's scary. It's scary that I went back. Scary that it's been three years and nothing has changed but has gotten worse and complicated.

nikegoddess112

Calling my local domestic abuse recovery hotline and getting a sponsor in Al-Anon are two very pivotal things that made differences in how I was able to perceive what was going on in my life and start making solid, core changes.

Ituvia

We are not allowed to step out so I have been speaking to a counselor (not a therapist) over the phone. It helps to have someone to give perspective.

dandylion

Ituvia…..I do remember you, well, from three years ago,I think that the reason that nothing has changed for the better is that the crux of the situation is not about what goes on inside of him....but, rather, what goes on inside of you....In other words...as, so many others have said...it is not about him....it is about youAbout you having enough self esteem and self worth to be able to establish and hold protective boundaries. About having your own voice and recognizing your essential needs and the confidence to live your own independent life....aside from the dictates of parents, and your husband's social circle. About feeling safe enough within yourself to establish relationships with all manner of other healthy individuals....be they friends or co[workers or otherwise.
In the end, it really doesn't matter what he is up to...or if he is or is not a "narcissist" or is running a "ruse"....or whatever.....All that matters is that he is toxic to you.....If you are in a space that is harmful to you (your relationship to him) then...it is your responsibility to remove Yourself from that space. No matter what you have to do or how painful it might feel to do so. Nobody else can do that for you....although you can get help along the way. You are the only one who can do the actual internal work.....
I realize that this probably sounds very harsh, to you....but, I assure you that I am saying all this with great compassion in my heart, for you. I believe that it is at the heart of your situation and I don't know any way to sugar coat it, and still get the point across.....I am very sincere in my concern for you.....

nikegoddess112

"What else can I do for myself today?"
This question can be a gift. To open a dialogue with inner knowing/the healthy part of self.

Sometimes this question can open my heart to awareness, curiosity and learning to wait until I feel an answer within me
((((hugs))))

trailmix

Hi Ituvia. How do you do that? By really stepping back and looking at what is going on (it seems like you are already doing this). The key is to keep being aware, in the moment, not listening to promises or talk of going to couples counselling. Do you really want to spend the next X number of years in counselling with him?
What he needs is his own counsellor, yet he has refused. He is sober, which is good, but there are obviously reasons he drank that have now come out and which he refuses to address. That's ok. He doesn't have to, no one is going to drag him to the therapist or psychiatrist's office, but YOU don't have to be part of it.
I'm sure you are scared that if you leave him permanently that you will be hurt and sad and depressed, but as dandylion says, this is the short term pain for the long term gain. That is a measurable sadness that will not go on for years and years, like this marriage will if you allow it.
Also, no need to kick yourself, everyone has to follow their own path. The path does not have your feet frozen to it though, you can go out and have a happy contented life if you choose to do so.
I do find it odd that your therapist recommends not making any decisions right now? Why not, this is quiet time you have for reflection and reviewing what you are doing.

Ituvia

She mentioned that during the crisis time everyone is on the edge and it could be why my husband is behaving more irritated and controlling than before. We both quit our jobs to move abroad but the Crisis hit and we were forced to stay with my parents. Right now I don't have a job(again) and no idea when I'd be able to move to a city to find a job(I'm in a very small rural town).

The last few weeks have been hell because while I was speaking to the therapist and following her advice of no reaction, I've been provoked in all the ways possible. He continuously finds fault in everything that I do and what my parents do. When I ask him nicely why he does this, or try to explain the situation, he blames it on something that happened a couple of days ago or a week ago. I was never able to understand why the conversations weren't going anywhere. I know now that he talks about anything as long as it gets the focus off him and on to me. I've been so caught up in all of this I realized I've been getting dragged along the deflections all these years. Nothing makes sense.

FeelingGreat

Hi Ituvia, sometimes you can get all the advice in the world but you have to see for yourself. It's called growing up and learning from experience. You don't have to apologise to anyone.
Trying to read into your posts, you sound like you're done with the relationship for good? Do you think there's anything he can say to get you back? He's obviously trying hard, but that doesn't mean you have to reciprocate. That's a mistake I've made often.ÂÂ
The virus situation has been terribly hard on most people with the anxiety and being in close quarters for an extended period. I'm so sorry about your job. I know a few people who had jobs lined up that are now gone. My own children are on reduced hours.ÂÂ
All the best, and I hope things will look better for you soon. It's better to know where you stand than continually try to work out what's going on.ÂÂ

Ituvia

He's already been saying he is going to go to therapy and that he cannot live without my love and affection. He sent me a message on social media this morning after I had blocked him everywhere else. He says he has realised that he has caused me lot of trauma and he feels now more than ever to change his ways.he says he is going to be talking to his AA folks and talk to therapist. I know what to think of it but I know that he's made all such promises before.

Ituvia

I'm surrounded by people who are all divorced so I have no one to turn to. Some who are married tell me that the first year is the hardest. Some are telling me that I should understand that alcoholics take time to change. My parents have asked me to make the decision. I don't know how many chances a person gets. I know it's enough when I say it is.
He continues to say that it was because of my help he got sober and that he is going to address all his issues. I just wish there was a sure way to know if a person means it.

SparkleKitty

Sadly, only time will tell if a person means what they say and will do what they say they are going to do. The answer and the decision can only come when you have had enough of waiting.
Your awareness is very strong. You deserve better than what you have, and none of those people who are pressuring you to stay have to live in your marriage.

SmallButMighty

He very much CAN live without your love and affection.
He very much can stay sober without you in his life.
He very much can still work on his issues in therapy if/when you part ways.
His health and behavior does not hinge on anything you say or do. He has to own his stuff, the good stuff and the bad stuff. All by his own self.
If you want to get happy in your heart and healthy in your head then you have that same responsibility. Work on you. Don't worry about what he thinks or says or does......or his parents, or your parents , or your friends or anybody else! I know that's hard, especially since it seems like a lot of other people have opinions about how you should be handling things right now and that seems to be normal to you. You are an adult in your own right, you get to make your own decisions about what's best for you. Don't let other people make those decisions for you.
If this relationship feels toxic to you then it is!!! You do not need to qualify that to anyone except yourself. Listen to your instincts on this.
I know covid19 has complicated things, I am sorry you are having to deal with this on top of everything else.
Hang in there, keep honoring yourself, don't cave to any outside pressures.
*hugs*