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Another girl

Old 04-12-2020, 07:47 PM
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Another girl

So last week my daughter went over and stayed with my AH one evening. I picked her up and she was telling me that her dad now has a girl coming and cleaning his house. I asked her if he told her that and she said there was a baby walker in her room and she asked him why it was there. And his reply is itís his new housekeepers. And she has a baby and brings it when she comes to clean. Well she told me what the girls name is. And I knew immediately who it was. Well of course you know my mind automatically through up a red flag. This girl is 19. My AH will be 40 this year.
so fast forward to this past Thursday and he is supposed to pick her up after he gets off work. He calls and gives my daughter this really elaborate story about heís gotta go home real fast when he gets off work. And his sister is gonna ride with him. Itís just a crazy story he tells. Because itís way out of his way to go home before he comes to my moms where we are staying. So I was very suspicious so I rode his work and of course heís not working. He lied I guess so I wouldnít get suspicious. Who knows. Itís really stupid. Well then tonight I seen on Facebook that his new little housekeeper posted a picture of her and some other girl in my house on Wednesday night. My heart just sank. I know I shouldnít let it bother me. But it did. I guess they had a big night Wednesday and he didnít work the next day. Who knows. It just broke my heart. I knew it would happen. Heís not gonna be alone. But it just makes be so upset. Itís been one month. And not only that Iím staying home and not going anywhere trying to keep everyone healthy and heís just having whoever over. Sorry I just needed to vent.
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Old 04-12-2020, 08:23 PM
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kc, I understand how you're feeling. Yes it is illogical in some ways, but in others it's to be expected. I left my non-A husband but astonished myself with how much I minded when he started dating. Strangely, once I had my tantrum, talked it over with the kids and cried for a short time I was done. I did show an interest in future women he dated but that was mainly for the kids sake.

He ended up with a really nice woman who I am quite friendly with, is no gold-digger, and gets on well with my kids. She's also a fantastic grandmother to my son's daughter. I'm so glad I got over any instinctive hostility.

That's not a lecture on you having to build a relationship with the new girl, but time moves on and you'll never feel as bad about him as you do right now. Plus it gives you some clarity on where you go from here. When you're negotiating over property remember it's not just him that will be getting the benefits of you going easy on him.
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Old 04-13-2020, 06:03 AM
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I won't say for a minute I know how you feel. I don't.

She's 19, has a baby, baby-daddy likely in the dust, and her solution is to hook up with a drunk twice her age.

My heart breaks - for both of you.
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Old 04-13-2020, 12:43 PM
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I'm sorry this has made you feel bad. I'm not worried about the girls at all, they will do whatever silly thing they will do.

Certainly have no concern about your ex, he is just, as he is.

I think perhaps the shock also comes, perhaps, somewhat, for getting a look at the REAL him.

For me and this is just what I would do. I would stop her visiting his place immediately. He is having strangers (to you) over at his place, tracking in germs from all their travels. This puts your Daughter at huge risk for picking up the virus.

Whether he is choosing this risky behaviour because he is an out of touch drunk or because he lacks the maturity and integrity to keep you Daughter safe is a bit irrelevant right now I suppose.

As for you, this will pass. Your hurt will pass although right now it is probably a bit overwhelming. Keep putting one foot in front of the another, try to put your focus elsewhere whenever possible, you will get past this.

Hang in there, post as much as you need to, take care of yourself.
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Old 04-13-2020, 07:57 PM
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I'm sorry KC, I can imagine the gut reaction to this is very painful. I do think as Trailmix shared, maybe it's good to see the real him, I would hope if nothing else it must make you realize the decision you made to leave was right. Hugs to you!
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Old 04-14-2020, 03:37 AM
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He can't be alone, and by hooking up again he can prove to himself that he wasn't the problem.
Don't get too stuck on catching him out in his lies - they will catch up with him eventually. Spend your time focussing on you. You deserve that.
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Old 04-14-2020, 05:17 AM
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Thanks everyone. I have calmed down a little. I know itís good to see the real him. Iíve known how he was for a long time. Iíve just chose to overlook everything he has done. For a while now. And I swear every time I get down and depressed and think Iíve messed up and I miss him. Something comes to light. Or I hear something so cruel that heís said about me. It just amazes me how someone can be so cruel. He cares nothing about me or my feelings. Again I have known this. But Iíve just ignored it. It just hurts that he can do and say such mean things and just move on like I never existed. Without a care in the world.
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Old 04-14-2020, 05:51 AM
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Bottom line is your child is going in a house without social distancing protocols. This person is a stranger and may expose your child to the virus. It shows disregard and bad judgment on his part towards his child—plus, you are now exposed because she has been.

That is the most important takeaway here.
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Old 04-14-2020, 07:53 AM
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kc......it is astonishing how cruel an alcoholic can be....as they live inside of their own "alcoholic bubble". The alcohol affects all levels of the brain. Especially, it affects the front part of the brain...the "prefrontal cortex". That is where al of the "executive functions" are located....like, judgement, decision making, etc....
Alcohol does a job on this area of the brain....
It is like they are operating with only a part of their brain intact. You can actually see some of the same behaviors in people who have had a traumatic brain injury in that area of their brain....
This is especially prominent when a person is intoxicated, and, even when they are not intoxicated.....
It can take many months for the alcoholic brain to clear up after putting down the bottle...or even a couple of years or so...depending on the individual...how much and how l ong they have been drinking....

I think it helps to be educated about how alcohol affects the alcoholic....so that you can be realistic about what you are dealing with. Otherwise, one may personalize too many things, or have unrealistic hopes for the relationship.
It helps to know what things you can control in your life...and which ones you have no control over.
It is, also. in my opinion, important to recognize when the only and best thing to do is protect your own self and your own welfare....
There can come a time, when dealing with alcoholics. when your own survival and ability to thrive (not just exist) becomes the main priority.....
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Old 04-14-2020, 12:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
Bottom line is your child is going in a house without social distancing protocols. This person is a stranger and may expose your child to the virus. It shows disregard and bad judgment on his part towards his childóplus, you are now exposed because she has been.

That is the most important takeaway here.
What Hawkeye said! His stupidity and carelessness should not be something your daughter is (literally) exposed to. She doesn't have to be around anyone who shows no respect for distancing and good health.

I am sorry this hurts so much, one day it won't, I promise. Keep moving on and you will be fine. New beginnings await you, once you have put the past to rest.

Hugs
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Old 04-14-2020, 01:02 PM
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Originally Posted by kc05 View Post
But I’ve just ignored it. It just hurts that he can do and say such mean things and just move on like I never existed.
I tend to look at this the other way around. He can say and do such mean things because he only cares about himself.

I think that's different, because it actually has nothing to do with you personally. It is still hurtful to you, of course, but not affected by you.

As dandylion said, they are living in their own "bubble", his thoughts are about him and how wronged he has been and how terrible everyone has been to him and etc etc. This is also part of the justification for drinking as well.
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Old 04-14-2020, 04:48 PM
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i must echo the concern about coronavirus exposure. it doesn't matter WHO is allowed in his house, with a baby no less, but it is the DANGER of infection that should be paramount. if he wants to be stupid and careless, whatever, but he is endangering your child and you! this virus will not stop unless we all take every precaution.
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