What should I do?
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Originally Posted by velma929 
Put it in one of those "if it fits, it ships" boxes (does the PO still make them?) ***Mail*** it to ________ _________ , c/o Ex's Family name, Family Address, blah,blah, blah, and write "Personal and Confidential" in large letters on the box. I believe its still a federal offense to open another person's mail, so it can sit at their home until he gets around to it and if they open it, he may get mad, but you clearly did your best.
If you printed the label on your computer along with the 'personal and confidential' notation and glued it or taped it onto the box, it might even pass for something official.
If you printed the label on your computer along with the 'personal and confidential' notation and glued it or taped it onto the box, it might even pass for something official.
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Originally Posted by Mango212
Three things that can help in a situation like this:
1. Drop off the box at a central, neutral place.
2. Text him the information of where it is and that it needs to be picked up.
3. Call and stick to a brief script that can be said to him or his voicemail that simply follows up to the text message.
Keep in mind, none of this needs to be done perfectly. Balancing this afterwards with great self-care can be super helpful. Coffee or a gym workout. Connecting with healthy friends. Doing a load of laundry. Etc.
1. Drop off the box at a central, neutral place.
2. Text him the information of where it is and that it needs to be picked up.
3. Call and stick to a brief script that can be said to him or his voicemail that simply follows up to the text message.
Keep in mind, none of this needs to be done perfectly. Balancing this afterwards with great self-care can be super helpful. Coffee or a gym workout. Connecting with healthy friends. Doing a load of laundry. Etc.
I go to the gym a lot and spend time with friends. It is helping.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I understand you want to be at peace with everyone, but you are not the one throwing a wrench into that plan.
If you mail it to his family, and they go through it, it is because he did not take responsibility for getting it from you in the first place. It is another consequence of his own choices and behaviors. Consequences are things we all, as adults, have to live with every day, and it is no one's job to manage them but our own. Managing someone else's consequences is enabling behavior, and when we engage in it, we treat them like children. That is not a foundation for any adult relationship.
He has options for avoiding conflict with his family and has elected not to use any of them. He has options for dealing with his debt and he has elected to pretend it doesn't exist. These are his problems to solve, not yours. Allow him the dignity, as an adult person, to handle his own affairs.
Meanwhile, this stuff in your possession is keeping you focused on him and his well-being instead of your own. Let it go, so you can begin to heal.
If you mail it to his family, and they go through it, it is because he did not take responsibility for getting it from you in the first place. It is another consequence of his own choices and behaviors. Consequences are things we all, as adults, have to live with every day, and it is no one's job to manage them but our own. Managing someone else's consequences is enabling behavior, and when we engage in it, we treat them like children. That is not a foundation for any adult relationship.
He has options for avoiding conflict with his family and has elected not to use any of them. He has options for dealing with his debt and he has elected to pretend it doesn't exist. These are his problems to solve, not yours. Allow him the dignity, as an adult person, to handle his own affairs.
Meanwhile, this stuff in your possession is keeping you focused on him and his well-being instead of your own. Let it go, so you can begin to heal.
After I mail it off today, I will finally have that feeling of letting go so I can start to heal. I've had his stuff for 3 months and it's way too long. I want it to go back to him before the end of the year so next year is a new beginning to start off fresh.
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
I don't know what his specific reasons are not retrieving his belongings and important paperwork. I do know that he knows you have it and don't want it. He knows it's bothering you. He knows that keeps him on your mind. He knows he still has some control over affecting you. He may be acting hateful now, but I'd bet my last dollar he would slink back around in a few weeks or months using that stuff as a reason to insinuate his way back into your life one way or another. Alcoholics don't like to give up their resources.
I hope you choose to rid yourself of his stuff one way or another, sooner rather than later. Releasing his belongings will sever a final tie and be best for your mental health. The sooner you aren't thinking about this the better. He is an alcoholic, you will never understand why he does and says the things he does and says, so I hope you decide not to waste any more of your energy trying to do the impossible.
I know it's hard, I'm sorry you have to deal with this at all.
I hope you choose to rid yourself of his stuff one way or another, sooner rather than later. Releasing his belongings will sever a final tie and be best for your mental health. The sooner you aren't thinking about this the better. He is an alcoholic, you will never understand why he does and says the things he does and says, so I hope you decide not to waste any more of your energy trying to do the impossible.
I know it's hard, I'm sorry you have to deal with this at all.
When he bailed to meet up with me a month ago, he blamed his family is the reason he didn't want to meet. He didn't give me a reason why he doesn't want to pick up his stuff but he asked me to discard it which I know doesn't feel right. And if i were to discard it, he would somehow use that against me in the future. That is why I'm mailing it back and leave a note to the family asking to give it back to him. I would drop it off but he told me not to contact any one in the family. I dont know why he doesn't want me to. I don't want to drop it off unannounced so best to mail with as minimal contact can be. He will be mad and hateful at me but at least i know to ignore it and i did the right thing.
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Originally Posted by HardLessons
It will also cost you some amount of money to file in court. Might be throwing good money after bad.
You have to do what you have to do but my advice is to cut your loses & walk away. Hes an addict & this is a very bad situation for you to be in. Your health & well being are worth far more than what he owes you financially.
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You have to do what you have to do but my advice is to cut your loses & walk away. Hes an addict & this is a very bad situation for you to be in. Your health & well being are worth far more than what he owes you financially.
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He doesn't have any assets as I know of. He crashed his car last year and i found hospital work that it was related to alcohol withdrawals. After he told me he had a seizure out of the blue. His family got him another car after the accident and he lost it after a week. Unfortunately i feel sorry for this guy more then anything. Now i know he can't get a loan for a car and or a place on his own. He has to be dependent on someone else. And hes in his mid 30s is just sad and he still owes the state a lot of money. I am just glad i never co signed with him for anything but I did put up with a lot more than anyone would have .
I am just trying to move on and hopefully this pain and heartbreak im going through heals soon. First step is to forgive everything he has done including forgiving his debt. I am not expecting to be paid back cuz last time I asked he got angry and twisted stuff and thats when he threw my moms rehab that happened years ago back in my face. I just don't understand why he did that but time to mail his stuff back to family. If they go through it, not my fault I tried giving it back to him. Hes gonna be so mad but I dont care as long as its back to him before the end of the year Im good.
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Originally Posted by Mango212
Good luck!
One day at a time. This stuff does get worked out.
One day at a time. This stuff does get worked out.
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Originally Posted by Chanelskie
I would drop it off but he told me not to contact any one in the family. I dont know why he doesn't want me to
Again I am sorry you are dealing with this, hopefully soon it will all be dealt with so you can heal and move on. Hang in there!
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
Because he doesn't want them hearing anything from you that contradicts what he has told them. He is trying to keep his ducks in a row and he doesn't want you messing with that.
Again I am sorry you are dealing with this, hopefully soon it will all be dealt with so you can heal and move on. Hang in there!
Again I am sorry you are dealing with this, hopefully soon it will all be dealt with so you can heal and move on. Hang in there!
I know he will be upset that I sent his stuff to the family house before the end of the year. but its the right thing to do . Everyone is right, if his family goes through it , I did my best. and it's not my responsibility. At least i left a note to the family saying please give it back and another note for him that i mailed his stuff back in the package that way he can't come back to me saying I never his things back.
Thank you for your advice. I hate this feeling I'm going through. 3 months since the break and I still have my days where I just feel so sad. I just hope it goes away soon.
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Time away from him is your friend. Go easy on yourself. It will get better easier for you over time.
Those intermittent contacts can really take their toll on us. Can turn into 5 steps forward & then 4 or 10 steps back type of thing. In some relationships they cant be avoided because of financial reasons or children. In your case you don't have those type of entanglements.
Please take care.
Those intermittent contacts can really take their toll on us. Can turn into 5 steps forward & then 4 or 10 steps back type of thing. In some relationships they cant be avoided because of financial reasons or children. In your case you don't have those type of entanglements.
Please take care.
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Originally Posted by HardLessons
Time away from him is your friend. Go easy on yourself. It will get better easier for you over time.
Those intermittent contacts can really take their toll on us. Can turn into 5 steps forward & then 4 or 10 steps back type of thing. In some relationships they cant be avoided because of financial reasons or children. In your case you don't have those type of entanglements.
Please take care.
Those intermittent contacts can really take their toll on us. Can turn into 5 steps forward & then 4 or 10 steps back type of thing. In some relationships they cant be avoided because of financial reasons or children. In your case you don't have those type of entanglements.
Please take care.
But we did get 3 kittens together and were raising them together over the the last year and I still have them. At least I get to keep them but I knew he loved them cuz it did help with his depression. But after he move back in with family, he turned completely different.
After the stuff was sent off, I feel better but hopefully he doesn't contact me about it and say any negativity or blame me for his problems.
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
Because he doesn't want them hearing anything from you that contradicts what he has told them. He is trying to keep his ducks in a row and he doesn't want you messing with that.
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I'm really glad that worked out for you Chanelskie and that his Mother contacted you. She sounds very nice. Are they normally the type of people that would go through someone's belongings or was that just an excuse.
Anyway, as you said, it's a result of his actions, not yours.
Anyway, as you said, it's a result of his actions, not yours.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I'm really glad that worked out for you Chanelskie and that his Mother contacted you. She sounds very nice. Are they normally the type of people that would go through someone's belongings or was that just an excuse.
Anyway, as you said, it's a result of his actions, not yours.
Anyway, as you said, it's a result of his actions, not yours.
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update: Mom wanted to meet on monday and she would follow up to make a time to meet. Last time I spoke to her was last thursday so a week now. My friends say I should message her but I dont feel comfortable. And my friends say I should go drop it off but I don't feel comfortable about that as well. I may as well just start mailing it off tomorrow and send all the stuff in multiple envelopes/boxes.
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Update: my friend & I went to drop the stuff off at the mothers house. My friend wasn't able to carry it herself so I had to help her carry it to the garage. And my friend gave the small box that had his yearbook & financial documents to the mom in hands and let her know the rest is in front of the garage. She said thank you to my friend. Nothing was said to me as I went back to the car so she didnt see me. I went shopping after to clear my mind and felt like a huge load was lifted off my shoulders. Luckily he wasn't there either but he doesn't live there. I'm sure she went through it but i left a small note for the ex in the box saying "heres your stuff back and that i forgive him for everything (lies, broken promises, debt) and all the hurt he has caused".
2 days later, I received a text from the ex. I thought it was going to be a bad text as I knew he would get upset. Surprisngly he texted nice saying "Got the box you left. Thanks. Happy new year. " I didn't respond but it was weird he texted nice after the last time he messaged me about the stuff was mean.
But now the stuff is out of my hands, I don't feel like a hostage anymore and he has nothing over my head anymore. I am slowly moving on and keeping busy.
2 days later, I received a text from the ex. I thought it was going to be a bad text as I knew he would get upset. Surprisngly he texted nice saying "Got the box you left. Thanks. Happy new year. " I didn't respond but it was weird he texted nice after the last time he messaged me about the stuff was mean.
But now the stuff is out of my hands, I don't feel like a hostage anymore and he has nothing over my head anymore. I am slowly moving on and keeping busy.
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I am glad that worked out with his mom and that you’re feeling better.
A thought...you spent a huge amount of time and energy trying to control the uncontrollable (whether his family would go through his stuff) because you were afraid he would get angry.
The relationship is over yet you’re still dancing on eggshells around him...be careful. You are quite likely to end up in a similar relationship or end up back in the same dynamic with him...that text may well be a pause button in his mind.
Do you have access to a therapist who can help you with moving on? Mine was a huge help to me...
A thought...you spent a huge amount of time and energy trying to control the uncontrollable (whether his family would go through his stuff) because you were afraid he would get angry.
The relationship is over yet you’re still dancing on eggshells around him...be careful. You are quite likely to end up in a similar relationship or end up back in the same dynamic with him...that text may well be a pause button in his mind.
Do you have access to a therapist who can help you with moving on? Mine was a huge help to me...
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