What should I do?

Old 12-29-2019, 04:52 AM
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Unhappy What should I do?

I lived with an alcoholic for a year. I thought he was the one for me & we talked about the future. He would even write me letters that he apologized for the drinking getting in the way & wants a future. Anyways, his drinking kept putting strains onto the relationship, I would come home from work and he would sometimes threaten me by saying he would leave or go to a hotel out of the blue. There were days where he told me he was only staying because of me &I am his only friend. He hardly went to work & I believed he got fired. I covered more than half his rent the last few months he lived with me and he promised to pay me back. He would go to the bar everyday and be drunk by noon, I would say he would have 14 drinks and I found a receipt one time he would spend $124 in one sitting at the bar. He ended up in the hospital a few times from his drinking and His family would ask me to tell them every time he would drink. I would not tell them every single time as I let him tell them as he would get really mad if I were to talk to his family and would threaten to break up if I did. Then It all lead up to moving back in with his family.

After a month, he moved out to a house for a month. In this month, he relapsed really bad to the point he wasn't going to work after he barely had a new job for a couple months. His family would call me to ask where he was and I wouldn't know since I didn't live with him anymore. He bailed out on seeing me or going to concert after months of planning. Then he moved back to his family house. After a month living back with his family, he came and help move furniture out of my place and a couple weeks later after I told him i need help cleaning the place up thats when he decided he wanted to go on a break. After he moved out of my place, we hardly saw each other during those 3 months then he wanted a break and told me to not contact any of his family anymore. He wanted to focus on himself and find himself to be happy again. He said he still loves and cares a lot about me but He wanted no contact with me and he wants to revisit in a month to 3 months when hes ready. He said he would contact me and would want to talk again and hang out slowly and possibly resume the relationship. This was hitting me hard as I loved the guy who felt like was cutting me out for good but I respected to not contact him. I cried a lot and felt so heartbroken after everything I've done for him and supported for him. I was even more sad when I found a lot of his personal stuff he left behind. I put it in a box.

its been a few months since this happened. Just a month ago, he contacted me wanting to meet up to talk. I told him I had the stuff & I know about his debt that he owes and that he still owed me money but wasn't ask to be paid right away only when he was ready like he told me he was going to. then He bailed on the talk and told me that his family didn't want us to meet. He made me feel like i am hated by the family after everything I've done for the guy. After that, he twisted everything and told me i was holding his stuff as leverage and he owes me nothing as he paid everything. He said he got hurt because I only stayed for his illness and to throw away his stuff after he claims he left nothing behind. I was just shocked of everything he texted me and all the lies and twists he said. I responded that he should know that everything we been through I am not that kind of person to hold stuff or throw away that doesn't belong to me. Yes, I put up a lot but I really fell in love and saw a future with this guy even though we were working together to get him healthy.

After this, I waited a few weeks to go by to cool things down from those messages. I put his stuff all in mailing boxes ready to be mailed off. This is stuff that belongs to him that he didn't give to me. The stuff he gave to me is in another box set aside that meant something to me. All i want to do is just give it back to him. I have a letter written up for his family to read why I'm mailing his stuff to give back to him. But recently he got his family mad at me for no reason. Idk what he says to them as i dont talk to him or the family but i don't want to cause any drama with anyone.

Should I mail the stuff back or wait to keep it longer after the new year? I still love the guy and i just want to give him his stuff but he refuses to pick it up and I feel like all of this is my fault and trying to move on and still want to be friends with him in the future.
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Old 12-29-2019, 05:01 AM
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Donating these boxes to any thrift store could be a great starting point to moving forward.

So can starting Al-Anon: going to meetings, getting a sponsor and working the steps of the program. Life changing stuff that redirects all that thought/thinking energy into a new kind of productive living. Loving an alcoholic affects us in many deep ways.

Welcome to SR. I'm glad you're here. Thank you for posting and sharing.
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Old 12-29-2019, 06:12 AM
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Donate it, drive over and leave it on his family's porch or mail it back. I wouldn't go to too much effort or expense. He's kinda playing both ends against the middle, isn't he, by saying both he 'didn't leave anything behind' and that you're 'holding things hostage' so he has to deal with you? What does the last text say? "I didn't leave anything there"? It's winter here. If there was warm clothing I'd give it to the first homeless person I saw. Done.

I have had fake friends who borrowed money and never paid it back. They are no longer friends. As for his family: well, blood is thicker than water and chances are they're going to believe his story that you're an awful human being, rather than look at the truth that a little boy who can't hold a job or finance his own apartment has a problem.

In my 60 years of observing humans, breakups work better if people don't try to maintain a friendship. One person generally feels rejected, and any contact with the person moving on is interpreted as a willingness to renew the relationship. It ends up being more confusing and hurtful than just walking away. YMMV.
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Old 12-29-2019, 06:36 AM
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Originally Posted by Chanelskie View Post
Yes, I put up a lot but I really fell in love and saw a future with this guy even though we were working together to get him healthy.
What was his part of the "working together to get him healthy"?

He knows you have his stuff, you have offered to get it to him, he is unresponsive. Mail it, leave it, or donate it, whatever you prefer, but if I were you I would let go of holding on to it in the hopes that it will maintain a connection between you. Some distance and time will give you a perspective on the reality of this relationship that you may find very valuable.
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Old 12-29-2019, 08:32 AM
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mail his stuff, skip the letter, and call it a day.
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Old 12-29-2019, 08:44 AM
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This is something that comes up here every once in a while. People break up, the alcoholic leaves, the other person tries to get the alcoholic/addict to take their belongings and they don't.

It's a tactic. He wants to be able to have a reason to contact you and/or see you at some vague point in the future. Being held "hostage" by someone else's crap is very annoying. I've had it happen to me.

If I had the stuff packed and ready to go, I'd pay the postage and be done with it. I'd feel I had done the respectful thing by returning his things and could walk away guilt free. Don't expect any letters you write to his family to have any kind of positive effect. It really doesn't matter what lies he has told them, they will believe what they want to believe.

Break ups are always painful and sad. There is a extra level of confusion and frustration when your ex is an addict. I am truly sorry you are having this experience.
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Old 12-29-2019, 10:20 AM
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This may be hard to hear but either give his stuff away or throw it away. Don’t write a letter, block him from texting or contacting you in anyway and invest your time in finding someone who wants to be with you and treats you as such.
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Old 12-29-2019, 11:37 AM
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In regards to the family let me share my experience with you. My ex’s mother would call almost every day and ask how much he was drinking. One day she suggested professional help. That’s when I realized there was a problem I wasn’t seeing. Sure enough, I was in a relationship with an alcoholic!

i just want to tell you a few things she told me, so you will see how they will not pick your side even tho they know the truth.

1- my ex always got “food poisoning” every single time we went out to eat. His mom said he has a sensitive stomach. (Many times I entered the bathroom and he was there drinking in the morning). So yes he used to drink at least a little, but all day long he was seeping.

2- Her baby boy made bad choices because he was influenced by his friends. Or that he had friends who made poor choices, but baby boy wouldn’t tag along when friends were doing “bad things”.

3- Hey Nara is he drinking? If I said yes, she would say “but I know he has control and he won’t do more than he can handle”. So I started telling her he wasn’t drinking much and she would like that answer, sometimes he was blacked out and she was glad I said he had control

4- his Mom said he might need professional help. When I agreed to that and showed her videos and pictures of his drinking behaviors, she said she wasn’t sure he was an alcoholic because how can he be so successful on his career and yet be an alcoholic. (She said that after watching months worth of videos, from a camera I had in our kitchen. Pictures of hidden bottles and all the things A do).

this is just very few examples. His sister is an A, she is sober for 5 years, but they don’t share things like that because they play the perfect family for everyone. So I don’t know if there was relapses. Anyways, I though I would have his mom support, she saw me go out of my way to help him. I did things she wouldn’t do to not push him away from her. I feel manipulated by her, cuz at the end I ended up pushing him away from me. I feel used by his family. And when I called her to tell he son called our wedding off, she told me to stay away from his life since I was causing him to drink. Yes
that’s the excuse he used to break up.

I wrote many letter to her, I never sent tho. But writing and reading out loud help to feel some relief. But it might just make things worse if you send. They might agree with what you say and all but still they will have his back.

oh one more thing. All the things his family said about his ex girlfriend he dated for 8 years, they are now saying about me. The exactly same things!!! And she was also the reason he made poor choices. So don’t count on them for any kind of support. It’s been 4 months since we broke up and no one in his family ever reached out to at lest check if I’m ok. His sister and I talked very often, she was helping me planning our wedding and I haven’t heard from her either.

I am sorry you are going through that. Is very painful.
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Old 12-29-2019, 09:26 PM
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Originally Posted by velma929 View Post
Donate it, drive over and leave it on his family's porch or mail it back. I wouldn't go to too much effort or expense. He's kinda playing both ends against the middle, isn't he, by saying both he 'didn't leave anything behind' and that you're 'holding things hostage' so he has to deal with you? What does the last text say? "I didn't leave anything there"? It's winter here. If there was warm clothing I'd give it to the first homeless person I saw. Done.

As for his family: well, blood is thicker than water and chances are they're going to believe his story that you're an awful human being, rather than look at the truth that a little boy who can't hold a job or finance his own apartment has a problem.
Its actually stuff like lots of paperwork, family letters & his childhood yearbook he left behind. Lots of it involve a lot of debt, He owes me $3000 for everything I covered for him. He never paid me back and told me lies that he doesn't need to repay me for the things I've done. Did I do the right thing and forgave him for all that debt?
. And ever since we went on break, my friends tell me that they see him at this club meeting once a month that involve a lot of alcohol. To me he doesn't sound like he's changing but I'm done being blamed for stuff I had nothing to deal with. Also he barely can keep a car. He crashed his car early in relationship saying it was falling asleep at the wheel. I found papers saying its alcohol withdrawals. And then he got a new car from his dad, dad took it away after a week when he went to drink. Im not even sure he has a car today. but finding all this information he left behind just puts me with my jaw dropping and shaking my head and asking why would he lies so much to me when I've been there for everything.
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Old 12-29-2019, 09:36 PM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
What was his part of the "working together to get him healthy"?

but if I were you I would let go of holding on to it in the hopes that it will maintain a connection between you. Some distance and time will give you a perspective on the reality of this relationship that you may find very valuable.
His part of getting healthy was going to AA, see a counselor & tried to exercise. But he would go drink after those meetings. He would relapse and would bail to have dinner with me and go drink instead.

I definitely don't want his stuff to have the connection. I just want to give it back cuz its things he probably needs. Its a lot of paperwork and it has created bad vibes the second I told him I had it and I knew how much debt he really was in. His family doesn't know about this but if they saw they would be in shock. And his yearbook probably is not needed but it needs to back to the owner. I know hes going to be mad once I send it, but I have no idea what hes going to say to me next because if I send it, his family may go through it.
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Old 12-29-2019, 09:50 PM
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty View Post
It's a tactic. He wants to be able to have a reason to contact you and/or see you at some vague point in the future. Being held "hostage" by someone else's crap is very annoying. I've had it happen to me.

If I had the stuff packed and ready to go, I'd pay the postage and be done with it. I'd feel I had done the respectful thing by returning his things and could walk away guilt free. Don't expect any letters you write to his family to have any kind of positive effect. It really doesn't matter what lies he has told them, they will believe what they want to believe
But my question is why would he want to have a reason to contact me when he told me I was holding it as "leverage"? He got angry in his email and then he told me I was acting out because I helped my mom with rehab (which was years ago). Idk why he threw that back in my face. Then he also said he's very hesitant of having a relationship with me now or in the future. This was all said after I said i had his stuff including his financial stuff and yearbook and wanted to give it back to him in person so his family doesnt find it.

I don't expect any letter to bring positive effect.I just want the letter explaining why im mailing stuff back after he bailed. And that i want to go at peace and be on good terms with everyone. Is that a bad idea to write that?
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Old 12-29-2019, 10:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Nara View Post
In regards to the family let me share my experience with you. My ex’s mother would call almost every day and ask how much he was drinking. One day she suggested professional help. That’s when I realized there was a problem I wasn’t seeing. Sure enough, I was in a relationship with an alcoholic!

i just want to tell you a few things she told me, so you will see how they will not pick your side even tho they know the truth.

I wrote many letter to her, I never sent tho. But writing and reading out loud help to feel some relief. But it might just make things worse if you send. They might agree with what you say and all but still they will have his back.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I am sorry you went through that painful experience.
My ex mother didnt call me everyday but she would always want me to tell her everytime he would drink. I didn't tell her half the time but there were times I did and she wanted me to pick him up one day and drive him to her house cuz he was so drunk he wouldn't tell any of his family where he was. I didn't do that but they would call me asking where he was and I would say I have no idea because I didn't know.
The letter I wrote is about why i'm sending his stuff back and that she should give to him and that I enjoyed getting to know the family and wish them all the best and to be healing from all of it. I havent mailed the letter yet but I feel better writing it and that it'll get to family knowing I tried giving stuff back and theres a letter to show it. The ex may get mad but I dont want that negative stuff anymore. He got really mean the second I told him I had it and that he wanted me to throw it away and it's not my place to do so especially involving financial stuff and yearbook.
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Old 12-29-2019, 10:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Chanelskie View Post
He got really mean the second I told him I had it and that he wanted me to throw it away and it's not my place to do so especially involving financial stuff and yearbook.
Hi and welcome.

He asked you to throw it away, so why don't you? No need to return the paperwork if he doesn't want it. It's not your problem.

You could mail the yearbook only perhaps.

As for telling his family, what will that help? They know he is an alcoholic, none of it will be news to them.

To be honest it sounds like you are trying to hold on here and I totally get that, it's a huge shock and I'm sure you are hurt.

The first thing you might want to do is write a list of every terrible thing he has ever done and/or said to you. Just in point form, so when you start to think about the tiny "good" times, you can refer to the list, even 20 times a day if you need to.

Starting focusing all that care on yourself. Spend time with your own friends and family as much as possible. They might not understand your relationship at all, so no use explaining it if you don't think that would help, but being around people you like and that care about you and are "normal" can be really comforting.

When you said you "forgave" the money he owed you, you mean you stated to him he didn't have to pay you back? If so and you texted it to him, well that's proof. Otherwise you could try to sue him for it in small claims court perhaps.
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Old 12-30-2019, 12:30 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
He asked you to throw it away, so why don't you? No need to return the paperwork if he doesn't want it. It's not your problem.

As for telling his family, what will that help? They know he is an alcoholic, none of it will be news to them.

To be honest it sounds like you are trying to hold on here and I totally get that, it's a huge shock and I'm sure you are hurt.

The first thing you might want to do is write a list of every terrible thing he has ever done and/or said to you. Just in point form, so when you start to think about the tiny "good" times, you can refer to the list, even 20 times a day if you need to.

Starting focusing all that care on yourself. Spend time with your own friends and family as much as possible. They might not understand your relationship at all, so no use explaining it if you don't think that would help, but being around people you like and that care about you and are "normal" can be really comforting.

When you said you "forgave" the money he owed you, you mean you stated to him he didn't have to pay you back? If so and you texted it to him, well that's proof. Otherwise you could try to sue him for it in small claims court perhaps.
Thank you for your advice I will do that list thing you mention . I have been spending time with friends & family to work on myself to be happy again and heal from all this pain that the ex has caused me.

I didn't want to throw away his personal documents after he ask me to because I'm afraid he would come back in the future and blame me for throwing away his stuff that he needs & create drama.

I feel like telling his family in a letter that I'm dropping his stuff off and to give it back to him and just want to be at peace with everyone. That way I can move on.

As for the debt, when we spoke last month he told me that he owes me nothing and lied that he paid everything. I said that I didn't want to pressure to pay me back as it could increase him to relapse again. But I waited to long to ask, he twisted everything. So i wrote in letter with his stuff that I forgive him for everything including the debt. It's not worth going to small claims after I found out hes in a lot of debt with the state like over $10,000 just for EDD and hes in debt for hospital bills as well as student loans. When he found out I knew about it, he got so mean and then blamed me I was acting out because I helped my mom with rehab and that was many years ago. I don't get why he would throw that in my face like it was so bad.
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Old 12-30-2019, 05:45 AM
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Originally Posted by Chanelskie View Post
Its a lot of paperwork...His family doesn't know about this but if they saw they would be in shock. And his yearbook probably is not needed but it needs to back to the owner. I know hes going to be mad once I send it, but I have no idea what hes going to say to me next because if I send it, his family may go through it.
Two thoughts: The people he's indebted to have paperwork about what he owes them, so *somewhere* there are duplicate records. The yearbook...I guess 12 or 15 years after high school my yearbook went out with the garbage - but high school wasn't that much fun for me. You can include it with the paperwork; here's what you do:

Put it in one of those "if it fits, it ships" boxes (does the PO still make them?) ***Mail*** it to ________ _________ , c/o Ex's Family name, Family Address, blah,blah, blah, and write "Personal and Confidential" in large letters on the box. I believe its still a federal offense to open another person's mail, so it can sit at their home until he gets around to it and if they open it, he may get mad, but you clearly did your best.

If you printed the label on your computer along with the 'personal and confidential' notation and glued it or taped it onto the box, it might even pass for something official.
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Old 12-30-2019, 05:54 AM
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Part of my recovery in Al-Anon has been putting down the people pleasing habit and learning how to stand for myself, yet not against others.

What I thought was right/wrong kept me in a position of being a victim in ways I couldn't see. Turning to meetings, working the steps and being involved in small ways have me new tools and skills.

Overthinking things is common when having dealt with alcoholism. It is not as helpful as it seems to be.

Three things that can help in a situation like this:

1. Drop off the box at a central, neutral place.

2. Text him the information of where it is and that it needs to be picked up.

3. Call and stick to a brief script that can be said to him or his voicemail that simply follows up to the text message.

Keep in mind, none of this needs to be done perfectly. Balancing this afterwards with great self-care can be super helpful. Coffee or a gym workout. Connecting with healthy friends. Doing a load of laundry. Etc.
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Old 12-30-2019, 06:34 AM
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I understand you want to be at peace with everyone, but you are not the one throwing a wrench into that plan.

If you mail it to his family, and they go through it, it is because he did not take responsibility for getting it from you in the first place. It is another consequence of his own choices and behaviors. Consequences are things we all, as adults, have to live with every day, and it is no one's job to manage them but our own. Managing someone else's consequences is enabling behavior, and when we engage in it, we treat them like children. That is not a foundation for any adult relationship.

He has options for avoiding conflict with his family and has elected not to use any of them. He has options for dealing with his debt and he has elected to pretend it doesn't exist. These are his problems to solve, not yours. Allow him the dignity, as an adult person, to handle his own affairs.

Meanwhile, this stuff in your possession is keeping you focused on him and his well-being instead of your own. Let it go, so you can begin to heal.
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Old 12-30-2019, 09:30 AM
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Originally Posted by Chanelskie View Post
But my question is why would he want to have a reason to contact me when he told me I was holding it as "leverage"?
Trying to make sense out of anything an active or unrecovered alcoholic says or does is an exercise in futility. You can not rationalize with the unrational and you can not reason with the unreasonable. There are few people more unrational and unreasonable than addicts. Their brains do not work the same as yours and mine. The alcohol has made real physical and psychological changes to the way his brain works.

Having his stuff in your home has you expending your precious energy trying to figure out what to do with it. Worrying what's best for him. Hoping you don't "cause" him to relapse. Hoping his family wont look at his private things, hoping his family doesn't think badly of you. The list goes on.

I don't know what his specific reasons are not retrieving his belongings and important paperwork. I do know that he knows you have it and don't want it. He knows it's bothering you. He knows that keeps him on your mind. He knows he still has some control over affecting you. He may be acting hateful now, but I'd bet my last dollar he would slink back around in a few weeks or months using that stuff as a reason to insinuate his way back into your life one way or another. Alcoholics don't like to give up their resources.

I hope you choose to rid yourself of his stuff one way or another, sooner rather than later. Releasing his belongings will sever a final tie and be best for your mental health. The sooner you aren't thinking about this the better. He is an alcoholic, you will never understand why he does and says the things he does and says, so I hope you decide not to waste any more of your energy trying to do the impossible.

I know it's hard, I'm sorry you have to deal with this at all.
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Old 12-30-2019, 11:23 AM
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Concerning the $3,000 debt I am assuming you live in the US

If you decide to sue him in civil court you will have to look up the guidelines in your State. In my State Small Claims Civil Court is under $3,000.

Filing suit in a higher court is more complex. Depending on how savvy you are might need an attorney.

You will need some type of written documentation from him that he agreed to repay for his portion of the rent. Otherwise it will just turn into she said vs he said type of thing.

Lets say you sue for $3,000 & win a judgement against him. Based on what you are saying concerning his other debt unless he has some type of clearly identifiable assets I am not aware of bank accounts, real estate, property, vehicles, stocks, etc you wont be able to do anything with the judgement. You can get in line along with the other debtors. Cant get blood from a stone.

It will also cost you some amount of money to file in court. Might be throwing good money after bad.

You have to do what you have to do but my advice is to cut your loses & walk away. Hes an addict & this is a very bad situation for you to be in. Your health & well being are worth far more than what he owes you financially.

PS I had to eventually cut my significant loses too.
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Old 12-30-2019, 11:52 AM
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Good luck!

One day at a time. This stuff does get worked out.
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