Why can't leaving be easier.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
Why can't leaving be easier.
If I'm being completely honest here, and there's no reason I shouldn't because you don't know me from Adam, he got drunk at the Christmas party. He promised me he wouldn't do anything that would upset or embarrass me, and I did feel upset and embarrassed. Maybe other people didn't notice because pretty much everyone was drinking. But I woke up feeling sick about it.
Yesterday he told me he knew what was on the line, he knew that 'I am a ticking time bomb and will pick up the kids and drive out of town' if he does something wrong. He told me he thought I was literally losing my mind. Maybe I am.
I told him this morning he has absolutely no idea what affect his actions have on me. I cannot stop thinking about how sick I feel about all of this and him, he's in a great mood today. Tried to be positive. Keeps telling me things are going to be fine.
I told him we needed to get rid of all of the extra beer and selzers from the party and he says that's stupid, that he's just not going to drink them.
He's not there. WHY CAN'T I ACCEPT THAT HE'S NOT THERE. Why is everyone else drinking last night and HE'S the alcoholic. Why can't this all just be normal.
Sometimes I feel like it's me. I am definitely a type A person and somewhat of a perfectionist. Sometimes I think it's me. He makes me feel crazy.
I know I should just go with the kids to my parents over Christmas and just stay. Not tell anyone. Not tell my family because I don't want to explain. Not tell anyone, I don't want anyone to talk to me about anything. I just wish I had somewhere I could go and be alone and not have people look at me or ask questions, not have to set up a new house. WHY AM I ALWAYS DOING THE HARD THING.
But I also don't want to be standing in my kitchen crying while I type on a friends and family of alcoholics forum.
I NEVER CRY.
Why do I have to hold the burden of all of the stress. He's not stressed at all.
And just like that, I somehow have the ability to vent here, breath, and shove it down. And say to myself I'm fine. I'm always fine.
Yesterday he told me he knew what was on the line, he knew that 'I am a ticking time bomb and will pick up the kids and drive out of town' if he does something wrong. He told me he thought I was literally losing my mind. Maybe I am.
I told him this morning he has absolutely no idea what affect his actions have on me. I cannot stop thinking about how sick I feel about all of this and him, he's in a great mood today. Tried to be positive. Keeps telling me things are going to be fine.
I told him we needed to get rid of all of the extra beer and selzers from the party and he says that's stupid, that he's just not going to drink them.
He's not there. WHY CAN'T I ACCEPT THAT HE'S NOT THERE. Why is everyone else drinking last night and HE'S the alcoholic. Why can't this all just be normal.
Sometimes I feel like it's me. I am definitely a type A person and somewhat of a perfectionist. Sometimes I think it's me. He makes me feel crazy.
I know I should just go with the kids to my parents over Christmas and just stay. Not tell anyone. Not tell my family because I don't want to explain. Not tell anyone, I don't want anyone to talk to me about anything. I just wish I had somewhere I could go and be alone and not have people look at me or ask questions, not have to set up a new house. WHY AM I ALWAYS DOING THE HARD THING.
But I also don't want to be standing in my kitchen crying while I type on a friends and family of alcoholics forum.
I NEVER CRY.
Why do I have to hold the burden of all of the stress. He's not stressed at all.
And just like that, I somehow have the ability to vent here, breath, and shove it down. And say to myself I'm fine. I'm always fine.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
What your head knows is at odds with what your heart wishes were true.
Boy have we been there. It is very painful. For me, the only path forward was through acceptance of What Is, and letting go of What I Wish it Was.
It is extremely difficult to keep a clear head when you are in the middle of everything, dealing with all of your daily responsibilities, and being told that what you are feeling is not valid or and what your feelings are based on is not true. Sometimes we simply need time and distance to gain perspective over a situation. Time and distance might be the most important and precious gift you could give yourself this holiday.
Boy have we been there. It is very painful. For me, the only path forward was through acceptance of What Is, and letting go of What I Wish it Was.
It is extremely difficult to keep a clear head when you are in the middle of everything, dealing with all of your daily responsibilities, and being told that what you are feeling is not valid or and what your feelings are based on is not true. Sometimes we simply need time and distance to gain perspective over a situation. Time and distance might be the most important and precious gift you could give yourself this holiday.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
I'm sorry the party turned out that way FWN.
You're not insane, you are just living with the insanity of alcoholism, it's calling all the shots, taking up your days and evenings (and parties).
I noticed the other day that he said he was an "early stage" alcoholic, you might want to cast that aside, just for your own clarity.
Your Husband, who you love and used to trust, stands in front of you and lies. Is it the alcoholism talking, probably, since it seems to be well and truly in charge here.
That's crazy making stuff but YOU aren't crazy. It's really hard to wrap your head around because it makes no sense. On the one hand your mind is telling you,
I saw what I saw, heard what I heard and none of this adds up
Then you have this person in a good mood, smiling at you going don't worry about it honey! All good.
And as SK mentioned, it's not what your heart wants.
I agree with SK that having some time away and distance might really help. Is it possible you can take some time away alone? Maybe rent an air bnb when you go to see your parents? Perhaps they and your Husband could watch the kids at their place or at least for several hours a day while you get some much needed quiet time?
You're not insane, you are just living with the insanity of alcoholism, it's calling all the shots, taking up your days and evenings (and parties).
I noticed the other day that he said he was an "early stage" alcoholic, you might want to cast that aside, just for your own clarity.
Your Husband, who you love and used to trust, stands in front of you and lies. Is it the alcoholism talking, probably, since it seems to be well and truly in charge here.
That's crazy making stuff but YOU aren't crazy. It's really hard to wrap your head around because it makes no sense. On the one hand your mind is telling you,
I saw what I saw, heard what I heard and none of this adds up
Then you have this person in a good mood, smiling at you going don't worry about it honey! All good.
And as SK mentioned, it's not what your heart wants.
I agree with SK that having some time away and distance might really help. Is it possible you can take some time away alone? Maybe rent an air bnb when you go to see your parents? Perhaps they and your Husband could watch the kids at their place or at least for several hours a day while you get some much needed quiet time?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Sometimes we simply need time and distance to gain perspective over a situation. Time and distance might be the most important and precious gift you could give yourself this holiday.
When I returned, it only took me a few hours back in AH's company to see SO MANY THINGS for the emotional abuse and manipulation that they, in truth, were. This is a snippet from my journal from that time:
As we walked, I suddenly had this revelation: All the times in the past when he didn’t pay any attention to me, didn’t remember what I had said, cut me off like I wasn’t even there or talking, when he made excuses like “it wasn’t important enough to commit to memory”, “I was tying my shoes”, “you mumble”, “the water in the sink was running”, “you talk too fast”, “you talk too much”—it didn’t have a SINGLE THING TO DO WITH ME! It was all about the noise in his head, his obsession w/controlling everything, even the dogs, how to sneak the next $200 out of the bank account, how to sneak the next bottle upstairs, how to keep me from smelling the cigarette he was scheming to smoke secretly, all about the noise!!!!! And I did not cause that noise, I cannot turn it down, and I cannot unplug the cord to turn it off.
Once I saw, it was impossible to totally un-see, even though I squinted my eyes and turned my head on plenty of occasions. I think you might find that this really simple action does more for you than you would ever believe if you could try it, too.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
fortworthnative….Wow...you could really use an alanon meeting, about now.
I am struck by how much you have an iron fist on all of your emotions.....You never cry....you stuff your feelings down.....you are a self described "perfectionist".....you are self described "type A".
My guess is that, somewhere, in your growing-up years, you were taught to deny yourself in favor of pleasing others...or, living up to someone's very high or harsh standards.... Control and denial of the Self.
Now, you have hit something that y ou cannot control...no matter h ow much you twist yourself into a pretzel....your husbands alcoholism!
Trying to control or have control over something that you absolutely can't can cause a "collision" inside of your head...…
And, you can't even hide from it, anymore....you just have to let...it...go.....
I am struck by how much you have an iron fist on all of your emotions.....You never cry....you stuff your feelings down.....you are a self described "perfectionist".....you are self described "type A".
My guess is that, somewhere, in your growing-up years, you were taught to deny yourself in favor of pleasing others...or, living up to someone's very high or harsh standards.... Control and denial of the Self.
Now, you have hit something that y ou cannot control...no matter h ow much you twist yourself into a pretzel....your husbands alcoholism!
Trying to control or have control over something that you absolutely can't can cause a "collision" inside of your head...…
And, you can't even hide from it, anymore....you just have to let...it...go.....
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Oh, sweetie. I’m sorry, but not really surprised.
1) See, the loophole du jour was that it depended on your feelings. He wouldn’t do anything “to upset or embarrass you. “ So all he has to do, post drunk, is negate your feelings. Hey, he’s had a lot of practice! No problem!
2) The happy dance today is just more gaslighting. Everything’s fine! Oh, except you might be crazy. Yes, that’s the problem!
3) Of course you’re clamping down on trying to control everything! You have children. You’re a responsible adult. In the face of chaos, it’s perfectly natural to try to hunker down.
Do you think you can go back to Plan A, where you take your kids to your family’s place and he stays home? You’re absolutely right...you need time away where you can catch your breath. Tell your family you don’t want to talk about it, because in the end the only opinion that matters is yours. They’re not living with this...you are.
1) See, the loophole du jour was that it depended on your feelings. He wouldn’t do anything “to upset or embarrass you. “ So all he has to do, post drunk, is negate your feelings. Hey, he’s had a lot of practice! No problem!
2) The happy dance today is just more gaslighting. Everything’s fine! Oh, except you might be crazy. Yes, that’s the problem!
3) Of course you’re clamping down on trying to control everything! You have children. You’re a responsible adult. In the face of chaos, it’s perfectly natural to try to hunker down.
Do you think you can go back to Plan A, where you take your kids to your family’s place and he stays home? You’re absolutely right...you need time away where you can catch your breath. Tell your family you don’t want to talk about it, because in the end the only opinion that matters is yours. They’re not living with this...you are.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 63
FWN. I'm so sorry. All of this, and having a newborn, must be incredibly stressful.
As others have said, it's very, very difficult to see these things clearly when you're in the midst of it. Alcoholics are pros at gaslighting...making you feel crazy or like you're overreacting.
A year and a half out from my leaving, I see so many things now that I could not before. Times when he was clearly intoxicated and I thought he was just being "weird." Physical problems (vomiting each morning) that I thought were due to other ailments, not drinking.
I think it's imperative that you get some time away to think. You need clarity and a clear perspective on your life and your future.
I hope you are able to have some enjoyment this holiday season. Wishing the best for you and your children!
As others have said, it's very, very difficult to see these things clearly when you're in the midst of it. Alcoholics are pros at gaslighting...making you feel crazy or like you're overreacting.
A year and a half out from my leaving, I see so many things now that I could not before. Times when he was clearly intoxicated and I thought he was just being "weird." Physical problems (vomiting each morning) that I thought were due to other ailments, not drinking.
I think it's imperative that you get some time away to think. You need clarity and a clear perspective on your life and your future.
I hope you are able to have some enjoyment this holiday season. Wishing the best for you and your children!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
WHY CAN'T I ACCEPT THAT HE'S NOT THERE.
because you understand that after acceptance comes the responsibility of doing something. if he won't change, you will have to.
once one can no longer tolerate the status quo, change MUST happen.
it's why addicts struggle with Step 1 and totally conceding defeat against drugs and alcohol. it requires going ALL IN. and making wholesale changes to just about every aspect of one's life. from what they think, how they think, what they do, how they do it, how they face life.
last month my daughter and i went on a lovely vacation to mexico. we took an overnight flight into Mexico City, arriving at about 5am. took an uber to our hotel, dropped off our luggage, repacked our backpacks and headed off to Teotihuacan and the pyramids. we were going to climb the third largest pyramid on the planet. on little to no sleep! and a 7,000 foot elevation above sea level.
from a distance it didn't look "that bad" a climb. but the closer we got the sheer size of the thing was a bit overwhelming. as we got to the base i'm wondering to myself, how in the hell do i get out of THIS one? as i was pretty sure i would not survive the climb. it's VERY steep and even steeper in some spot!!! once we started, there would be no turning back. and once we got to the top of the thing, we still had to climb back down.
Awareness, Acceptance, Action.
Awareness - holy crap, this thing is HUGE!
Acceptance - we didn't fly all this way just to STARE at it, and it's not a race, if it takes us half the day, then so bit.
Action - suck it up, cupcake, and start the climb. ONE STEP AT A TIME.
we were literally crawling up hand over hand in some spot.
we took a LOT of breaks. at one long steep section of steps, we just scooted over to the side and took a rest break.
it was arduous and tricky and challenging. but we did it. and it was so worth it!!! the sense of accomplishment was pretty rich! we spent time at the top, going around the walkway that circled the pyramid. then we started looking back DOWN the steps. how on earth are we doing to this? 248 steps - twice!
my rambling point is - you have a big THING in front of you. and the closer you get to it, the bigger it gets. and while it might SEEM impossible, there is a path forward. you will need to pick your way carefully, but each step you take gets you closer to your goal. keep your eye on the goal. don't look behind you, especially not on the steep parts. focus on the steps right in front of you. some of them are very tricky to navigate. but just keep moving forward. other people on their own journey may zip past you (we call them showoffs!) and others might struggle more than you did. there are no style points (yeah talking to YOU showoffs!), no t-shirt or lapel pin claiming I DID IT. but YOU will know, and that is all that matters.
because you understand that after acceptance comes the responsibility of doing something. if he won't change, you will have to.
once one can no longer tolerate the status quo, change MUST happen.
it's why addicts struggle with Step 1 and totally conceding defeat against drugs and alcohol. it requires going ALL IN. and making wholesale changes to just about every aspect of one's life. from what they think, how they think, what they do, how they do it, how they face life.
last month my daughter and i went on a lovely vacation to mexico. we took an overnight flight into Mexico City, arriving at about 5am. took an uber to our hotel, dropped off our luggage, repacked our backpacks and headed off to Teotihuacan and the pyramids. we were going to climb the third largest pyramid on the planet. on little to no sleep! and a 7,000 foot elevation above sea level.
from a distance it didn't look "that bad" a climb. but the closer we got the sheer size of the thing was a bit overwhelming. as we got to the base i'm wondering to myself, how in the hell do i get out of THIS one? as i was pretty sure i would not survive the climb. it's VERY steep and even steeper in some spot!!! once we started, there would be no turning back. and once we got to the top of the thing, we still had to climb back down.
Awareness, Acceptance, Action.
Awareness - holy crap, this thing is HUGE!
Acceptance - we didn't fly all this way just to STARE at it, and it's not a race, if it takes us half the day, then so bit.
Action - suck it up, cupcake, and start the climb. ONE STEP AT A TIME.
we were literally crawling up hand over hand in some spot.
we took a LOT of breaks. at one long steep section of steps, we just scooted over to the side and took a rest break.
it was arduous and tricky and challenging. but we did it. and it was so worth it!!! the sense of accomplishment was pretty rich! we spent time at the top, going around the walkway that circled the pyramid. then we started looking back DOWN the steps. how on earth are we doing to this? 248 steps - twice!
my rambling point is - you have a big THING in front of you. and the closer you get to it, the bigger it gets. and while it might SEEM impossible, there is a path forward. you will need to pick your way carefully, but each step you take gets you closer to your goal. keep your eye on the goal. don't look behind you, especially not on the steep parts. focus on the steps right in front of you. some of them are very tricky to navigate. but just keep moving forward. other people on their own journey may zip past you (we call them showoffs!) and others might struggle more than you did. there are no style points (yeah talking to YOU showoffs!), no t-shirt or lapel pin claiming I DID IT. but YOU will know, and that is all that matters.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
Thank you everyone.
Yes, I need to revert back to plan A without telling ANYONE. Literally no one. No one knows what I'm dealing with except me. I need to just show up the day after Christmas and tell them then. And tell them I want no comments, no questions. Nothing.
And my AH, he won't care, he was disappointed he wouldn't get his me time and now he'll get it.
I was just thinking back to last night. How my AH popped open a bottle of champagne and wanted to toast with me before anyone arrived. For doing such a good job with the party, for our house, and for his 'new beginnings'.... toasting with a drink for his last night of drinking? He's delusional. I didn't even want a drink, I was hostessing and my newborn was going to wake up to nurse soon.
I know everyone is right. I need to stay the course. Just tell my AH to stay here and that I do afterall need some breathing room like I'd told him before.
I cannot tell him everything. I did that a week ago and he kept making comments in front of the kids about me leaving him. Who does that. Kept making comments about 'what do I care' regarding his well being 'after I leave him'. Of course I care. Why does he keep telling me I don't care. It's so manipulative and it makes me want to show him I care by staying here and sticking it out waiting for his false promises to come true.
And yet I keep asking myself if this is even real. Seriously. Seriously. It's real.
One of my very good friends is URGING me to leave him and take it a day at a time away. She knows the truth. Versus my sister who is telling me to stick it out for the kids while she sobs about what she went through with her ExAH.
Yes, I need to revert back to plan A without telling ANYONE. Literally no one. No one knows what I'm dealing with except me. I need to just show up the day after Christmas and tell them then. And tell them I want no comments, no questions. Nothing.
And my AH, he won't care, he was disappointed he wouldn't get his me time and now he'll get it.
I was just thinking back to last night. How my AH popped open a bottle of champagne and wanted to toast with me before anyone arrived. For doing such a good job with the party, for our house, and for his 'new beginnings'.... toasting with a drink for his last night of drinking? He's delusional. I didn't even want a drink, I was hostessing and my newborn was going to wake up to nurse soon.
I know everyone is right. I need to stay the course. Just tell my AH to stay here and that I do afterall need some breathing room like I'd told him before.
I cannot tell him everything. I did that a week ago and he kept making comments in front of the kids about me leaving him. Who does that. Kept making comments about 'what do I care' regarding his well being 'after I leave him'. Of course I care. Why does he keep telling me I don't care. It's so manipulative and it makes me want to show him I care by staying here and sticking it out waiting for his false promises to come true.
And yet I keep asking myself if this is even real. Seriously. Seriously. It's real.
One of my very good friends is URGING me to leave him and take it a day at a time away. She knows the truth. Versus my sister who is telling me to stick it out for the kids while she sobs about what she went through with her ExAH.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
Another thing he keeps saying this morning when I was upset was that 'if you think you need to go then just go' and 'if you think you need to tear our family apart then just go'. Husband's shouldn't say that to their wives.
I was such an idiot, I thought there was some chance he'd just hold a beer in his and last night and have one or two over the night to show me he wouldn't get drunk like he promised. Instead I saw him swaying and standing unsteady as he filled up his water glass at the sink last night.
Thank you for your continued input as I work through this insanity.
I was such an idiot, I thought there was some chance he'd just hold a beer in his and last night and have one or two over the night to show me he wouldn't get drunk like he promised. Instead I saw him swaying and standing unsteady as he filled up his water glass at the sink last night.
Thank you for your continued input as I work through this insanity.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by fortworthnative
I cannot tell him everything. I did that a week ago and he kept making comments in front of the kids about me leaving him. Who does that. Kept making comments about 'what do I care' regarding his well being 'after I leave him'. Of course I care. Why does he keep telling me I don't care. It's so manipulative and it makes me want to show him I care by staying here and sticking it out waiting for his false promises to come true.
Adult things should never be spoken about in front of children like that (sorry this makes me angry).
That is manipulation pure and simple and he is now dragging the children in to it. Maybe one of them will say to you - are you leaving Dad, don't you like Dad? It is turned around so it is all about you and how uncaring you are.
Next it will be, sorry kids, Dad really wants to stay and be around you but Mom doesn't want me here anymore.
Ugh, I truly hate this approach it is SO destructive for you, for your children and for your relationship with your children.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
'if you think you need to go then just go'
Translation: I have decided you can leave because there is no way I'm going to quit drinking and I really don't need this aggravation.
and
'if you think you need to tear our family apart then just go'
Translation: Just know this has nothing to do with my drinking, it's all your fault for not accepting it. I haven't done anything wrong.
Translation: I have decided you can leave because there is no way I'm going to quit drinking and I really don't need this aggravation.
and
'if you think you need to tear our family apart then just go'
Translation: Just know this has nothing to do with my drinking, it's all your fault for not accepting it. I haven't done anything wrong.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I thought there was some chance he'd just hold a beer in his and last night and have one or two over the night to show me he wouldn't get drunk like he promised.
it's simply not possible for him to do that. not once that first drink fits so snugly into the C made by his hand cupped around it. every addict dreams of being able to moderate, to be in control of the alcohol, instead the other way around. but as the saying goes - one is too many and a thousand never enough. you might have well have hoped he can pick up a charcoal briquette out of the Weber, glowing bright orange hot, and carry THAT around in his hand all night. it is physically IMPOSSIBLE.
and maybe you needed to SEE that one more time. to see him so darn cheerful opening up champagne, toasting his sobriety so to speak. the absolute insanity of the disease.
it is what it is.
it's simply not possible for him to do that. not once that first drink fits so snugly into the C made by his hand cupped around it. every addict dreams of being able to moderate, to be in control of the alcohol, instead the other way around. but as the saying goes - one is too many and a thousand never enough. you might have well have hoped he can pick up a charcoal briquette out of the Weber, glowing bright orange hot, and carry THAT around in his hand all night. it is physically IMPOSSIBLE.
and maybe you needed to SEE that one more time. to see him so darn cheerful opening up champagne, toasting his sobriety so to speak. the absolute insanity of the disease.
it is what it is.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: CA
Posts: 25
Of course he's happy today. He got to drink just like he wanted to - and you are still there. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You know he's going to drink again - that is why he doesn't want to get rid of the "extras". But it's a process to be ready to leave. It took me 2 years to get here after first "knowing" it needed to be done. And I don't have any kids with him, so it's easier, right? Anyway, I'm filing the beginning of January. It doesn't change no matter how much you wish it.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I’m curious...does he ever focus on the fact that you have a new baby? I’m not a parent, but it seems like a newborn should be the center of the universe for both of you at this stage?
I’m not there, obviously, but from what you’ve posted, he’s all about his job, his friends and his drinking.
One thought...you don’t have to decide EVERYTHING right now. Maybe pack enough stuff so that you have the option, but give yourself a week or two away where you don’t have to think about anything except caring for your children and yourself. There’s no deadline, right?
Wishing you some peaceful days ahead...
I’m not there, obviously, but from what you’ve posted, he’s all about his job, his friends and his drinking.
One thought...you don’t have to decide EVERYTHING right now. Maybe pack enough stuff so that you have the option, but give yourself a week or two away where you don’t have to think about anything except caring for your children and yourself. There’s no deadline, right?
Wishing you some peaceful days ahead...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
He’s actually very very attentive to the baby. He loves hanging out with her and holding her and singing to her and making her laugh.
So many nights he is not drinking and things seem fine, that is why this is so hard. He does just enough to keep me here.
So many nights he is not drinking and things seem fine, that is why this is so hard. He does just enough to keep me here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
And you are right there is no deadline, although I really was hoping if we were going to split for a while to do it over a school break so that he has said his goodbyes to his friends without thinking it is forever, and I can just start him fresh somewhere new and get him excited about it. Versus pulling him out midway through. I think that would be really really hard for him. And it would feel a lot more chaotic. Really all of the pressure and deadlines I have felt have revolved around their schooling and what will feel the most normal or easy to transition.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
