Why can't leaving be easier.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
Thanks. Things are a little more complicated than that, for legal purposes it's better if I'm not here if I ultimately end up filing for divorce. Which is another reason going is better. If he moves out, I'd still feel trapped and I think he'd get the better end of the deal. He already said he'd found a rental 6 minute walk from here and he'd just drop our dog off in the mornings on his way to work and he'd come back for him after work etc. So I watch the dog, the kids, and he pops in and out when he needs. He wouldn't ever feel the need to change. But if I go, I have a chance to start my life there and KEEP it there if I that's what it comes down to.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
Originally Posted by fortworthnative 
Thanks. Things are a little more complicated than that, for legal purposes it's better if I'm not here if I ultimately end up filing for divorce. Which is another reason going is better. If he moves out, I'd still feel trapped and I think he'd get the better end of the deal. He already said he'd found a rental 6 minute walk from here and he'd just drop our dog off in the mornings on his way to work and he'd come back for him after work etc. So I watch the dog, the kids, and he pops in and out when he needs. He wouldn't ever feel the need to change. But if I go, I have a chance to start my life there and KEEP it there if I that's what it comes down to.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
It's like a whirling, feverish, explosive tornado
in your living room and you are running around trying to
keep things in place.
The time away is how you will find the peace needed to reflect
and gather your thoughts and feel sane again.
You can't have peace and clarity when your standing in the middle
of a tornado.
This is a suggestion for a temporary way to save your sanity-
when he is quacking at you-
look up medium chill method. It helped me alot.
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-...3/medium-chill
in your living room and you are running around trying to
keep things in place.
The time away is how you will find the peace needed to reflect
and gather your thoughts and feel sane again.
You can't have peace and clarity when your standing in the middle
of a tornado.
This is a suggestion for a temporary way to save your sanity-
when he is quacking at you-
look up medium chill method. It helped me alot.
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-...3/medium-chill
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 36
FWN: I hoped your AH wouldn't drink excessively, but I thought he would. Alcoholics are, unfortunately, pretty predictable.
When I was living alongside active addiction, it helped me to remember two things:
1. You're dealing with two separate people. On one hand you have the sweet, considerate man you married, and on the other hand you have the addiction. As the addiction takes ahold, your AH retreats and the addiction takes center stage. Much of what you've described tells me that you're not really dealing with your husband anymore; you're dealing with the addiction. And the addiction is going to do or say whatever it has to say to keep itself alive. That includes saying things your AH would never say--like inappropriate things in front of the children about you tearing the family apart, etc. The addiction is cunning and the minute it thinks that it's threats aren't working then it will tell you whatever it thinks you need to hear in the minute to buy more time. I rode this abusive ride for years. And so have you.
2. You cannot control the addiction. I know countless people have already said this to you on this forum. But when you're trying to get your AH to sign no-drinking contracts, it's clear you're not there yet. Accepting that I couldn't control my AH's drinking was the *best* thing that ever happened to me. There was no more screaming, no more pleading, no more compromising, no more begging. Once I accepted I wasn't his mom and I wasn't the sobriety police, and I let it go, I felt so much better. And our household was peaceful. I couldn't control my AH, but I could control how I reacted to his drinking. It sounds counter-intuitive like you're giving up or not helping or whatever, but it was actually what finally brought me clarity. Once I stopped putting all my energy into controlling him, which was always fruitless, I was able to really the situation for what it was--that is, a runaway train that threatened me and my children.
When I was living alongside active addiction, it helped me to remember two things:
1. You're dealing with two separate people. On one hand you have the sweet, considerate man you married, and on the other hand you have the addiction. As the addiction takes ahold, your AH retreats and the addiction takes center stage. Much of what you've described tells me that you're not really dealing with your husband anymore; you're dealing with the addiction. And the addiction is going to do or say whatever it has to say to keep itself alive. That includes saying things your AH would never say--like inappropriate things in front of the children about you tearing the family apart, etc. The addiction is cunning and the minute it thinks that it's threats aren't working then it will tell you whatever it thinks you need to hear in the minute to buy more time. I rode this abusive ride for years. And so have you.
2. You cannot control the addiction. I know countless people have already said this to you on this forum. But when you're trying to get your AH to sign no-drinking contracts, it's clear you're not there yet. Accepting that I couldn't control my AH's drinking was the *best* thing that ever happened to me. There was no more screaming, no more pleading, no more compromising, no more begging. Once I accepted I wasn't his mom and I wasn't the sobriety police, and I let it go, I felt so much better. And our household was peaceful. I couldn't control my AH, but I could control how I reacted to his drinking. It sounds counter-intuitive like you're giving up or not helping or whatever, but it was actually what finally brought me clarity. Once I stopped putting all my energy into controlling him, which was always fruitless, I was able to really the situation for what it was--that is, a runaway train that threatened me and my children.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
Originally Posted by fortworthnative
And just like that, I somehow have the ability to vent here, breath, and shove it down. And say to myself I'm fine. I'm always fine.
I was like this too, always fine, taking care of things, organizing, hoping all were fine, trying to make sure they were.
Then I thought one day (because I knew what was coming I think) how long can a person actually carry all this stress and shove all this down?
Shortly after that, maybe within a year, it started with a panic attack. I'd never really had one before, sure I'd been anxious, we all get that way, but this was I need to get outside (I was in a drug store) and I rushed out to the parking lot.
That was the first of many. Ffwd, It became pretty much incapacitating for about 6 years or so.
So without going in to all the details I just wanted to say that it's not really fine and there is a breaking point and it's real and you owe it to yourself to not let it get to that point. So if you need space please take it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
FWN...….it is a very common thing for the mother and kids to go to "Grandma's house" for a long visit...particularly, around the holidays.
I think it would make sense for you to do that....a "vacation" at Grandma's.
During this time, you would have a very fortuitous respite from the center of the conflict....to think and get more perspective...and, solidify your thoughts....
Maybe, I am missing something...but, I really don't see where this would have any effect, one way, or another on divorce, should y ou, ultimately decide to go that route.....Visiting Grandma with the kids for a vacation should not alarm the courts or legal system in any way that I can think of.....?
You don't even have to discuss the details with your dad and sister...you can just say that you needed a break.....especially, since you have a newborn in the mix....
I think it would make sense for you to do that....a "vacation" at Grandma's.
During this time, you would have a very fortuitous respite from the center of the conflict....to think and get more perspective...and, solidify your thoughts....
Maybe, I am missing something...but, I really don't see where this would have any effect, one way, or another on divorce, should y ou, ultimately decide to go that route.....Visiting Grandma with the kids for a vacation should not alarm the courts or legal system in any way that I can think of.....?
You don't even have to discuss the details with your dad and sister...you can just say that you needed a break.....especially, since you have a newborn in the mix....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
Wow. I have to keep reminding myself of the damage is done the damage is done the damage is done. He comes home is like everything is normal, he is hanging out with the kids and in a great mood. Just normal life. As if the wrong he did last night never happened. We have been in this cycle for so many years how did I not see it before and it is clearly made me a little delusional myself.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
FWN...this is one reason that alcoholism is called the disease of denial....The alcoholic is in denial of the effects of the drinking on the others around him/her.
In addition, they may not even remember many of the thigs that they do when/.while they are intoxicated.....(but, you do...….
In addition, they may not even remember many of the thigs that they do when/.while they are intoxicated.....(but, you do...….
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
More will be revealed, right?
My guess is that this is all setting the stage for when he announces he’s not going to therapy and he’s not giving up drinking, because he was able to drink “normally” for the party and over the holidays, ergo, no problem.
In that word “normally” lie a million interpretations...his will be very different than those of most people.
Even if you end up coming back, it may still really be useful to get away for a while, yes?
My guess is that this is all setting the stage for when he announces he’s not going to therapy and he’s not giving up drinking, because he was able to drink “normally” for the party and over the holidays, ergo, no problem.
In that word “normally” lie a million interpretations...his will be very different than those of most people.
Even if you end up coming back, it may still really be useful to get away for a while, yes?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
My thought is that if he's in a great mood - at least if he sustains it - he's sipping secretly. If he's really not drinking, expect the great mood to evaporate pretty quickly.
You seem to be at breaking point. Please take the kids away to your parents, then slip off with the baby to somewhere quiet for a day or two to clear your head. It's in nobody's interest if you have a major break-down.
You seem to be at breaking point. Please take the kids away to your parents, then slip off with the baby to somewhere quiet for a day or two to clear your head. It's in nobody's interest if you have a major break-down.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
The advice I have received in this thread in particular is invaluable. Thank you so much everyone. I do not know what I would do without this forum, I would go crazy inside my head asking myself is this normal? On a regular basis as I just let his alcoholism get worse and worse well I become collateral damage.
He is saying all the right things, he seems desperate and sad and blames himself and believes no one respects him or loves him. That is just not the case, many people in his life love him. I would not still be here if I did not love him. I would not struggle so much with leaving if I did not love him.
I feel so sad for him, if he would just work on himself and just care more about himself then he would see that there is a clear path to success. He said again he does not want to die alone broke in a ditch and be an alcoholic, if that is the case then take positive steps towards that not happening.
He is saying all the right things, he seems desperate and sad and blames himself and believes no one respects him or loves him. That is just not the case, many people in his life love him. I would not still be here if I did not love him. I would not struggle so much with leaving if I did not love him.
I feel so sad for him, if he would just work on himself and just care more about himself then he would see that there is a clear path to success. He said again he does not want to die alone broke in a ditch and be an alcoholic, if that is the case then take positive steps towards that not happening.
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
Narcissist
What you have described is a classic narcissist. Questioning your own sanity is a direct result of being with a narcissist. The things he is saying to your children are meant to control you. When you can no longer be controlled, or become useless to him, he will leave. There are some dangers to leaving a narcissist, so please take some time to read more about it. I do not doubt that he is an alcoholic, but many times that is a result of the narcissist personality disorder. They generally go hand in hand.
I am not a psychiatrist, but have lived much the same life for 18 years. Always blaming the alcohol. This forum is very helpful to keep you sane, but please do some additional reading and be safe.
It does all become clear after you are away from the drama.
HQ
I am not a psychiatrist, but have lived much the same life for 18 years. Always blaming the alcohol. This forum is very helpful to keep you sane, but please do some additional reading and be safe.
It does all become clear after you are away from the drama.
HQ
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 6
Without trying to sound like I’m taking ANY joy from your situation, you have no idea of what a comfort reading this is.
I, like you, have spoken to no one about my husbands addiction. I’ve spent years covering up his actions and issues all on the promise of change. And if I don’t believe the promises it turns to ugly, verbal abuse ‘how can you get so upset about something I chose to smoke? Who made you the boss? Why do you get to decide what’s right?’
ive literally driven myself insane second guessing his behaviour, looking out for alarm bells in his behaviour, missing money etc.
It had gotten really bad probably over the last 6 months, I wanted out but he’s so damn good at making me doubt myself that I held on. So what if he smokes crack and heroin once or twice a week? He’s still giving me money to pay the bills right?
i think I’m more disappointed with myself for putting up with it for 10 years. Our children haven’t known any other life than the constant argument this cycle has us in.
And yes, I do still love him, but I think I’ve really begun to look at our situation for what it is and his complete lack of interest in changing, I would have thrown him out before Christmas but I desperately didn’t want the day to be tarnished for my kids or upset my immediate family.
When we had an argument that blew up in July, I told my mum what had happened but soon after I went back to the pattern of covering up his behaviour; which funnily enough always seemed to effect me more negatively than him 🤔 I’d always find myself missing out on plans because I’d had to lie for him, that seems fair right? 🙄
Anyways, I’m completely with you about not wanting to talk about it with anyone, I still can’t quite believe I had the guts to tell my boss I wouldn’t be in this week as we were separating. Feels funny calling it that, it’s only been one day. Part of me feels a bit quirky as he’s paid the rent for this week, bills and food shop and now effectively has no money but I know if I let him back in he’ll get round me. Telling my boss what’s happened was a good move as it strengthens my resolve. But I know I’m going to have to tell my mum today and I just want to escape with the kids and not have this discussion!
sorry to hijack your thread, I guess all I’m trying to say is that there are others going through similar troubles as you and there are people who have gone through this and are now in a better place. We can do this. It’s hard but we deserve more. Xx
I, like you, have spoken to no one about my husbands addiction. I’ve spent years covering up his actions and issues all on the promise of change. And if I don’t believe the promises it turns to ugly, verbal abuse ‘how can you get so upset about something I chose to smoke? Who made you the boss? Why do you get to decide what’s right?’
ive literally driven myself insane second guessing his behaviour, looking out for alarm bells in his behaviour, missing money etc.
It had gotten really bad probably over the last 6 months, I wanted out but he’s so damn good at making me doubt myself that I held on. So what if he smokes crack and heroin once or twice a week? He’s still giving me money to pay the bills right?
i think I’m more disappointed with myself for putting up with it for 10 years. Our children haven’t known any other life than the constant argument this cycle has us in.
And yes, I do still love him, but I think I’ve really begun to look at our situation for what it is and his complete lack of interest in changing, I would have thrown him out before Christmas but I desperately didn’t want the day to be tarnished for my kids or upset my immediate family.
When we had an argument that blew up in July, I told my mum what had happened but soon after I went back to the pattern of covering up his behaviour; which funnily enough always seemed to effect me more negatively than him 🤔 I’d always find myself missing out on plans because I’d had to lie for him, that seems fair right? 🙄
Anyways, I’m completely with you about not wanting to talk about it with anyone, I still can’t quite believe I had the guts to tell my boss I wouldn’t be in this week as we were separating. Feels funny calling it that, it’s only been one day. Part of me feels a bit quirky as he’s paid the rent for this week, bills and food shop and now effectively has no money but I know if I let him back in he’ll get round me. Telling my boss what’s happened was a good move as it strengthens my resolve. But I know I’m going to have to tell my mum today and I just want to escape with the kids and not have this discussion!
sorry to hijack your thread, I guess all I’m trying to say is that there are others going through similar troubles as you and there are people who have gone through this and are now in a better place. We can do this. It’s hard but we deserve more. Xx
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