dandylion

HeartHealth…..he didn't JUST stop off for a cold one after work. He has been misrepresenting himself to you....

Of course, some people do leave when asked. It just depends on the person being asked.....
Of course, I think it is smart to fortify one's self ahead of time with knowledge of all of your and his rights, with information gathering from your lawyer...this lets you know, for sure, where your best leverage may be....
The more knowledge you have, under your belt....the more confident you appear when you bring up the subject. I think that people are less likely to strong -arm, manipulate, or be obstructive when you appear to "know what you are talking about" and, take a confident, serious pose...…

Of course, it depends on the make up of the person, but, I think that some alcoholics jump at the idea because they envision being able to drink without someone else on their back......

hearthealth

Dandelion, yes. He has been misrepresenting himself and emotionally unavailable. I thought it might have been I fluke but it happened again today.

dandylion

HH.....sounds like full intention, to me. No fluke....
Not surprising, though, given the history. An alcoholic who is not working a program and living the principles, will almost always return to the drink. The alcoholic voice is always whispering. White knuckling and just will power, alone, lasts for only so long. White knuckling can last for a long time with some people, but, eventually, gives way.
Who knows how long he may have been secretly sipping....

Remember that he is not drinking to deliberately hurt you...he is drinking because it is what alcoholics do. It is an untreated addiction....
His emotional unavailability and inability to love you in the way you need, is just an added variable, in my opinion.

Ariesagain

At some point, the alcohol becomes secondary. Even tertiary.

What matters is that you can’t trust someone. Or rely on them. Or even enjoy being with them, regardless of whether they’re drunk or sober. Or even want to be anywhere near them, drunk or sober.

At some point, the appearances (what will the kids think? What will the neighbors think? What will my family think???) just don’t matter anymore.

At some point, living a lie becomes worse than recognizing the truth.

At some point, it’s just over. And that’s okay. Really painful, but okay.

Sending you strength and a hug.

Emmalyn

For me it depended on the timing of the request. Once you have withdrawn emotionally, he will know. He might do one of two things, try to pull you back in via sympathy or some other emotional tool or he will become angry and try to scare you about the future.

I ended up paying mine to leave the house. It was about 4K he stole from the joint checking account. He used the second method, he scared me, but he scared me so much I never wanted to be with him again.

Have you heard of grey rock method? It's basically withdrawing from a partner while trying to conceal what your true intentions are, so no anger or sadness is expressed, and it's a way of leaving that can help avoid drama or overreactions.

So he caught you crying... your "grey rock" response could be "Oh I"m just so confused right now"... don't elaborate on what. You could say you want to separate just to get your head right, and blame it all on your own issues.. but it's a way out without creating drama.

If you are ready you have the strength to do it, think grey rock - nothing gets in and nothing gets out. He can't hurt you and he doesn't feel hurt because you are obviously the one having "issues".

I know it's a game but when you are dealing with instability what else are you to do?

honeypig

This was very much the case in my situation. Once I'd decided I did want him to leave and asked him to do so, he was pretty prompt about it. There was some foot dragging about getting his stuff totally gone, but he himself was out in record time. After he'd been gone for several months, I noticed that he seemed fairly happy, actually, and realized that it most likely was what dandy said. He didn't have to hide the fact that he was drinking, nor did he have to hide where a significant proportion of our income was going. That made things way easier for him.

And Ariesagain's post rings true for me too. Many times XAH said to me "you'll never trust me again, so why should I even try to quit drinking?" At first I'd protest that no, of course I'd trust him again. Then I began to say that with some time and evidence of recovery, of course I'd trust him again. Eventually the day came where the answer was simply "you're probably right, I won't." Like Aries said, it became worse to live a lie than to face the truth and all the fears I had about that.

hearthealth

A was just looking through my old threads. The previous one I started was catching him at this same bar in June. He's been doing this on a regular basis for awhile now. He informed me he'll be working late next week. Now I'm wondering what that will entail. His DUI was after a seasonal party.

SparkleKitty

HH, it's okay to accept that he is not what you want in a partner, and that alone is a good enough reason to do whatever you need to do to seek out a fulfilling life for yourself. I know change is frightening, but so is the prospect of staying the same. Life is too short to consign yourself to unhappiness.

hopeful4

And yes HH, I asked/told my XAH to leave, and he did. It depends on the person.

hearthealth

I've spent the morning making copies and getting the tote ready for my brother to take. Important paperwork and copies of baby pictures and baby handprints that are irreplaceable. I hope other items less dear but still important he will play fair about.

hopeful4

I did the same. Take anything near and dear to your heart, and all important papers. When XAH moved his stuff out, I was able to leave for the weekend and just let him move it all out w/out being a worried mess. Definitely helpful.

trailmix

Well now you will have support. Your lawyer for one, to guide you. What your AH thinks about what is fair will really be irrelevant, the law is the law.

You are going to have to steel yourself here hearthealth? Sometimes when we face these huge changes (and I was also married for quite some time and divorced) we just have to set emotion aside for a while and get it done. Once it's done, when you are in your own place and you have privacy and peacefulness, as you deal with this and start to heal, you will be able to do that in your own time, as you are ready.

I don't mean to imply it's all doom and gloom, it's not. There is, of course and upside to all of this and that is being out from under the abuse.

Amaranth

When I realised I could no longer do it, I went to marriage counselling with my husband. I thought speaking with a witness would make things clearer. I said I can't live like this anymore, what would it look like if we seperated?

His response .... I will never stop drinking

me: OK but if we do split up what would that look like?

him: I'm not going to stop drinking

me: OK, well then I'm going to leave you

him: we're at an impasse. I'm not going to stop drinking.

It was very clear. He could not hear me. I left.

2 years on, we're not divorced yet, most of my stuff is still in the house and oh yeah... he hasn't stopped drinking.

Try to work out what you need and want in life and work from there. Try not to worry about him, he can sort himself out, or not. But don't sell yourself short.

hearthealth

Thank you all for writing. I've been listening. I wish thousandwords was out there.

My codie brain is trying to digest this.

Amaranth

I guess I thought it would be a mutual separation, that we would work it out together. I assumed he would cooperate and consider my needs. That's what people do when they love you, right?

It just turned into a big mess because I was always considering his needs and he never once considered mine. Had I been clearer and tougher I might have made a clean break.

I guess I complicated things for myself by part of me always hoping he would have the epiphany and we would live happily ever after in the end.

hearthealth

I once loved you
But you only loved your brew.
I take care of your home
But to the bars you will roam.
I once wanted to talk
But now all I want to do is walk.
I hope you have a happy life
But I will be no longer your wife.

hearthealth

I called to the lawyer and left a message today. I have a box packed. H is at the bar early today with a holiday performance for the children tonight. I feel like walking through the doors and tell him to move out...I'm not ready for that statement quite yet. I also don't know about making a scene at his beloved drinking establishment.

trailmix

As you are not ready to have him move out, you are absolutely right, there is no point. Does it really matter what he does right now?

I hope you are well on your way to detaching from this HH. You really are a kind hearted person but this person is perhaps not YOUR person, he does not have your back. So you will.

Eventually, when you are out from under this huge black cloud, your life will be happier.

You know when you have to say, do something you don't really feel like doing, like going to the dentist - so you don't focus on the actual dental appt, you say, ok at 4:00 today that will be done and dusted, I will have my new crown and life will carry on happy!

Maybe that is a good coping mechanism to help you get through this? Maybe look a little further ahead - X weeks from now I won't have to worry about this anymore, there won't be someone dragging me down all the time. Everything I say I won't have to explain and defend. You get the idea.

dandylion

hearthealth….picking up on what Trailmix is saying.....when you daydream...daydream of being happy...daydream about what that will look like, and feel like....
It is our dreams that carry us forward.....

Sasha1972

Just reading through this thread and I don't have any great wisdom to offer except ... when you know you're really done, you're done. That inner feeling of certainty, aka moment of clarity, can be so powerful. Sending you lots of good wishes and support.