A partner
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
A partner
I caught my husband at a bar tonight. He doesn't know I seen him there. I'm devastated. I am busy running errands trying to plan parties and questions about gifts and he gets to sit in a bar for 75 minutes and not answer his phone.
Next week I plan to call a lawyer and set up an appointment. I can't invision what my life will look like divorced. I'm just sad in my own house.
Next week I plan to call a lawyer and set up an appointment. I can't invision what my life will look like divorced. I'm just sad in my own house.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
I'm glad you are taking that step hearthealth, lord knows you have suffered a long time.
You know, you don't know how you will feel. What I can guarantee you is it will feel different! When you are that sad and that down, there is only one way to go. Up.
Imagine not having to worry about another persons responsibilities or whereabouts or moods or put downs.
You eat when you want to eat, watch what you want to watch. Want to talk on the phone for 2 hours without someone staring at you, go right ahead. Sing in the kitchen if you like. Never worry about a car door slam and what that might mean for your day or evening.
So yes, even single there are ups and downs but the possibilities are endless.
You know, you don't know how you will feel. What I can guarantee you is it will feel different! When you are that sad and that down, there is only one way to go. Up.
Imagine not having to worry about another persons responsibilities or whereabouts or moods or put downs.
You eat when you want to eat, watch what you want to watch. Want to talk on the phone for 2 hours without someone staring at you, go right ahead. Sing in the kitchen if you like. Never worry about a car door slam and what that might mean for your day or evening.
So yes, even single there are ups and downs but the possibilities are endless.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
hearthealth 
I'm so sorry! I know you have tried to make your marriage work for you for quite some time. Seeing him must have been such a let down!
I wish our good intentions and actions could make a marriage work, but it takes two. I hope you have a productive meeting with your attorney.
I'm so sorry! I know you have tried to make your marriage work for you for quite some time. Seeing him must have been such a let down!
I wish our good intentions and actions could make a marriage work, but it takes two. I hope you have a productive meeting with your attorney.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Heart Health.....Guess What? I think you just caught a glimpse of the Horizon ahead of you.....
New Horizons----the beginning of a new life for you....
You have everything, inside of you that it takes to make it a life worth living...not just surviving....
Helpful Hint----when you daydream or fantasize...make it about your future...
It is our dreams that propel us forward.....
New Horizons----the beginning of a new life for you....
You have everything, inside of you that it takes to make it a life worth living...not just surviving....
Helpful Hint----when you daydream or fantasize...make it about your future...
It is our dreams that propel us forward.....
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by hearthealth 
I can't invision what my life will look like divorced. I'm just sad in my own house.
Aren't you sad in your own house right now? What you could be is free.
Yes, divorce sucks, not denying that.
But when your marriage is sucking the life out of you and you get nothing for your efforts, isn't it the epitome of insanity to keep hoping it will change when nothing is changing?
A long time ago I learned this phrase right here on SR :
When the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving, that's when you are done.
What is your pain level?
Oh and an old therapist of mine, when I filed for divorce after a year of marriage:
"I'm so glad you are leaving him, I knew what was going on and was so afraid of where you would be in 20 years, so many of my clients stay and end up a shell of a person years later and are still unable to leave"
I can honestly tell you I did not regret that divorce and still do not have regret years later.
Hugs,
E
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
That's exactly how I feel. I've been running around taking care of practically everything for 16 years and am now a shell. I have very little to show for it. I don't have a relationship. My husband caught me crying. I was trying to do that quiet cry. I didn't respond and he took it no further than an inquiry. I'm not ready to vocalize it to the children or husband. I did ask my brother to store a box of important things and he agreed.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
hearthealth, I'm sorry you're feeling bad, but I think you just had what AA calls "a moment of clarity." It took me a long time to leave, too, and I wonder if it would be helpful for you to read through some of my old posts. Folks here shared a lot of wisdom with me, and it might resonate w/you, too.
In case you don't know, to read anyone's old threads, just left click on their name at the left-hand side of the page, then choose "find all threads started by member."
I also recently bumped a thread of mine where I talked about the first day and night that XAH was out of the house. You might find some encouragement in reading the description of that time. Link here: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...iar-patch.html (Moving Out of the Briar Patch)
You'll make it, hh. It feels like we can't live w/o them, like our lives will forever be empty, sad and dark, but that's just not true.
In case you don't know, to read anyone's old threads, just left click on their name at the left-hand side of the page, then choose "find all threads started by member."
I also recently bumped a thread of mine where I talked about the first day and night that XAH was out of the house. You might find some encouragement in reading the description of that time. Link here: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...iar-patch.html (Moving Out of the Briar Patch)
You'll make it, hh. It feels like we can't live w/o them, like our lives will forever be empty, sad and dark, but that's just not true.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
hearthealth….Please don't think that you have nothing (or "very little") to show for your 16yrs. Being IN a relationship is not everything...or, even necessary for human happiness.
Think of what you have gained...seriously!
Some of the most prized possessions that we have may be invisible. To know our true selves and be our authentic selves is one of them, for sure. That is where true contentment comes from, I think.
Wisdom is another one of those invisible posessions….I think you have gained a lot more wisdom in these recent months and years.
Have you not contributed to your community and society? for sure, you have.
You have created and nourished other human beings....
I think that, sometimes, our greatest growth occurs out of the hardest times, in our life....
It is normal human reaction to feel sad at this time....
It won't always feel like this....
I call it the short-term pain for the long-term gain......
Think of what you have gained...seriously!
Some of the most prized possessions that we have may be invisible. To know our true selves and be our authentic selves is one of them, for sure. That is where true contentment comes from, I think.
Wisdom is another one of those invisible posessions….I think you have gained a lot more wisdom in these recent months and years.
Have you not contributed to your community and society? for sure, you have.
You have created and nourished other human beings....
I think that, sometimes, our greatest growth occurs out of the hardest times, in our life....
It is normal human reaction to feel sad at this time....
It won't always feel like this....
I call it the short-term pain for the long-term gain......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
My volunteer work sustains me.
My children sustain me. My work and my FOO. My husband hasn't in such a long time. He has been incapable of putting in the work necessary to connect to others.
I thought I could keep the FOC together but it's no longer working. It hasn't for a long time.
My children sustain me. My work and my FOO. My husband hasn't in such a long time. He has been incapable of putting in the work necessary to connect to others.
I thought I could keep the FOC together but it's no longer working. It hasn't for a long time.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
hearthealth….have you ever heard of the book..."The Velveteen Rabbit?"....
It is one of my favorite books about our true value....
LOL...it always makes me cry from emotion, though…..no m atter how many times I have read it.....
It is one of my favorite books about our true value....
LOL...it always makes me cry from emotion, though…..no m atter how many times I have read it.....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by dandylion
hearthealth….have you ever heard of the book..."The Velveteen Rabbit?"....
It is one of my favorite books about our true value....
LOL...it always makes me cry from emotion, though…..no m atter how many times I have read it.....
It is one of my favorite books about our true value....
LOL...it always makes me cry from emotion, though…..no m atter how many times I have read it.....
Here is a link if anyone else wants to read it and cry:
https://digital.library.upenn.edu/wo...it/rabbit.html
or if you'd rather listen:
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
*hugs* for you hearthealth
I remember when I got to that "done" feeling. It's hard to explain. It was a weird, uncomfortable, sad calmness after all the exhausting turmoil of trying to hold together the chaos for so long. Like a great big burden was lifted, yet left me feeling vulnerable without it. It took some adjusting to.
Once you get a little distance from it, you will see that your 16years were not wasted. I don't feel like the 26years I spent with my AXH were wasted. Many of those years were wonderful, we really did live the dream...before it turned into a nightmare. But even that nightmare taught me so much once I had a chance to dissect and digest it a bit. The wisdom you have earned will carry forward with you and there will come a time you will be glad you gained it.
I grieved for the loss of my marriage and my AXH for a long time. I have a small piece of my heart that is reserved for him. Love resides there for him but we are in no way in each other's lives anymore. Allowing myself to love him from a distance has enabled me to move forward in a happy and healthy way with my own life. It certainly feels better than being constantly furious at him did. It was a lot less exhausting to just accept that we were no longer compatible and made the right decision to go our separate ways. I didn't get to that place over night though, it took some time. You will get there too.
Hang in there friend, it wont always feel like this. I promise.
*hugs*
I remember when I got to that "done" feeling. It's hard to explain. It was a weird, uncomfortable, sad calmness after all the exhausting turmoil of trying to hold together the chaos for so long. Like a great big burden was lifted, yet left me feeling vulnerable without it. It took some adjusting to.
Once you get a little distance from it, you will see that your 16years were not wasted. I don't feel like the 26years I spent with my AXH were wasted. Many of those years were wonderful, we really did live the dream...before it turned into a nightmare. But even that nightmare taught me so much once I had a chance to dissect and digest it a bit. The wisdom you have earned will carry forward with you and there will come a time you will be glad you gained it.
I grieved for the loss of my marriage and my AXH for a long time. I have a small piece of my heart that is reserved for him. Love resides there for him but we are in no way in each other's lives anymore. Allowing myself to love him from a distance has enabled me to move forward in a happy and healthy way with my own life. It certainly feels better than being constantly furious at him did. It was a lot less exhausting to just accept that we were no longer compatible and made the right decision to go our separate ways. I didn't get to that place over night though, it took some time. You will get there too.
Hang in there friend, it wont always feel like this. I promise.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This!
After five years of being divorced, I now look back with reflections after things are more calm, and I don't regret it. We had our children. We had lots of good times, especially with those children.
The hurt does subside and you will form a new, much more healthy, normal.
Sending you huge hugs friend!
After five years of being divorced, I now look back with reflections after things are more calm, and I don't regret it. We had our children. We had lots of good times, especially with those children.
The hurt does subside and you will form a new, much more healthy, normal.
Sending you huge hugs friend!
Originally Posted by dandylion
hearthealth….Please don't think that you have nothing (or "very little") to show for your 16yrs. Being IN a relationship is not everything...or, even necessary for human happiness.
Think of what you have gained...seriously!
Some of the most prized possessions that we have may be invisible. To know our true selves and be our authentic selves is one of them, for sure. That is where true contentment comes from, I think.
Wisdom is another one of those invisible posessions….I think you have gained a lot more wisdom in these recent months and years.
Have you not contributed to your community and society? for sure, you have.
You have created and nourished other human beings....
I think that, sometimes, our greatest growth occurs out of the hardest times, in our life....
It is normal human reaction to feel sad at this time....
It won't always feel like this....
I call it the short-term pain for the long-term gain......
Think of what you have gained...seriously!
Some of the most prized possessions that we have may be invisible. To know our true selves and be our authentic selves is one of them, for sure. That is where true contentment comes from, I think.
Wisdom is another one of those invisible posessions….I think you have gained a lot more wisdom in these recent months and years.
Have you not contributed to your community and society? for sure, you have.
You have created and nourished other human beings....
I think that, sometimes, our greatest growth occurs out of the hardest times, in our life....
It is normal human reaction to feel sad at this time....
It won't always feel like this....
I call it the short-term pain for the long-term gain......
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 63
[QUOTE=SmallButMighty;7325381]*hugs* for you hearthealth
I remember when I got to that "done" feeling. It's hard to explain. It was a weird, uncomfortable, sad calmness after all the exhausting turmoil of trying to hold together the chaos for so long. Like a great big burden was lifted, yet left me feeling vulnerable without it. It took some adjusting to.
Oh my, yes. It's that moment when you finally...FINALLY...realize that nothing you do will stop the alcoholic from drinking. Not the screaming fights, not the threats, not the searching for bottles and dumping the vodka down the drain, not even hiding the credit cards and cash. The alcoholic will always find a way!
I remember my final evening with him...his screaming at and berating me in the front yard while I tried to hold a ladder for him. He toppled off while the stunned neighbors watched. I spent the rest of the evening in the basement, alone, while he was upstairs demeaning me for hours about God knows what.
The difference? For once, I was quiet. I didn't justify, argue, defend, or explain. I was just silent, and (for me) remarkably calm. I could see he was spinning out of control, ready to go down the drain, and I wasn't about to go with him.
That giant light bulb...that moment of epiphany...is telling you something powerful. It's a sudden, calm, collected realization that can save your sanity, maybe even your life. See it! Listen to it!
I remember when I got to that "done" feeling. It's hard to explain. It was a weird, uncomfortable, sad calmness after all the exhausting turmoil of trying to hold together the chaos for so long. Like a great big burden was lifted, yet left me feeling vulnerable without it. It took some adjusting to.
Oh my, yes. It's that moment when you finally...FINALLY...realize that nothing you do will stop the alcoholic from drinking. Not the screaming fights, not the threats, not the searching for bottles and dumping the vodka down the drain, not even hiding the credit cards and cash. The alcoholic will always find a way!
I remember my final evening with him...his screaming at and berating me in the front yard while I tried to hold a ladder for him. He toppled off while the stunned neighbors watched. I spent the rest of the evening in the basement, alone, while he was upstairs demeaning me for hours about God knows what.
The difference? For once, I was quiet. I didn't justify, argue, defend, or explain. I was just silent, and (for me) remarkably calm. I could see he was spinning out of control, ready to go down the drain, and I wasn't about to go with him.
That giant light bulb...that moment of epiphany...is telling you something powerful. It's a sudden, calm, collected realization that can save your sanity, maybe even your life. See it! Listen to it!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Codie voice"Maybe people stop off for a cold one after work and I'm just being a prude" I know I've been tempted from time to time but I didn't stop. I was so happy that he didn't drink for his birthday. Now I know why.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
Yes, you are recognizing the codie voice, that's actually a really good thing.
There can be an excuse for pretty much anything. The only thing that stops us from just going along are boundaries, that's it. What are willing and unwilling to put up with. What do we deserve and want in our lives.
Without boundaries we just take whatever is offered and can justify it. Even neglect, even abuse.
There can be an excuse for pretty much anything. The only thing that stops us from just going along are boundaries, that's it. What are willing and unwilling to put up with. What do we deserve and want in our lives.
Without boundaries we just take whatever is offered and can justify it. Even neglect, even abuse.
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