FarmhouseGal

trailmix

Vows, whether you said "obey" or "cherish" have kind of gone by the wayside here.

He has cheated with women online, has lied to you and he is an alcoholic that speaks to you like you are foolish.

Well you aren't foolish and you certainly deserve much better treatment.

If you and I were to meet today and I questioned everything you did, if I was disrespectful to you and mean, would you want to meet up for coffee again tomorrow? Don't think so.

Just because you are married doesn't mean he has any right to treat you badly, ever. It takes two to be in a marriage and I don't see any love, honoring or cherishing coming from his side, do you? He broke those vows long ago.

Truthfully, a marriage license is just a legal document that can be broken, like any legal contract. A marriage is two people together in a real partnership. They love and respect each other (in general) and have each other's backs. There is support, kindness etc.

Do you have any of that? Does he show support for your children? You deserve respect and kindness, not criticism.

It can be easy sometimes to get in to a situation where you are busy with the day to day, working, raising children and then suddenly start looking around and thinking what have I gotten myself in to. Also, alcoholism is progressive so as his drinking progresses he is changing as well.

Always remember your main responsibility always was and always should be yourself and your children, not this man. Obviously he can look after himself. When there is an alcoholic in the house, alcoholism is running his life, it is also, sadly running everyone's life that is in his vicinity. It becomes the main focus of the entire family.

Perhaps you are just tired of having your life run by alcohol? It's not a very reliable compass.

Emmalyn

Just to second this, my ex did not like that I went to Alanon. I stopped going after he stopped drinking because I felt like a hypocrite. I wasn't attenting Alanon for me... I was attending it to understand him. And I would have told you anything to make you believe that I wasn't focusing on him.

I was.

I'm going to head back to Alanon still feeling like a hypocrite because now there is no romantic partner in my life!

Ariesagain

“This isn’t about you. This is about getting help for me.”

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Sending you a big hug...

the1975jen

I just want to say you're not alone. I am separated but before I was mine would scream at me, throw things and carry on in ridiculous fashion over my alanon meetings. I went anyway. There were times I let him deter me sure but in the last 2 years I've gone way more often then I have skipped. because it made me feel better! because people there understood. I would listen to youtube recordings of al anon speakers. I grew! it felt good. it helped. and he wasnt going to stop me! hugs 🤗

FarmhouseGal

Eauchiche

The problem with those of us in recovery, as THEY see it, is we are just too messed up to appreciate them and the LOVE that they give....

Never mind that they fool around with other women, even cyber ones. After all, boys will be boys.

And, to deprive them of their enjoyment of alcohol, how COULD we? It is one of the few pleasures thy have in life, since WE are so messed up.

Let's talk about wedding vows. He promised to love you as Christ loved the church (if you had a Christian wedding.)
People all over the world, including dictators, want our obedience. So what?

You just keep doing what you are doing. Maybe try other meetings too. We are here to support you.

hopeful4

Vows, to me, are a circle of respect and love for EACH OTHER. Once one person breaks the cycle, the other cannot really continue.

I am a Christian and had the full support of my pastor in divorcing my husband. He helped me see that what I was in was not a marriage in the way God wanted it to be.

I am so glad you went to Alanon and I hope you keep doing everything you deserve to take care of yourself mentally and physically. You only live one time.

Big hugs!

honeypig

Just wanted to address this comment: Why would you feel like a hypocrite for attending Alanon just b/c the A is out of your life? I'm pretty dang certain that the issues you likely had BEFORE living w/the A that made you put up w/this kind of life, as well as the issues you've developed DURING the time you lived in the midst of insanity w/the A, didn't immediately go away the second you parted ways w/him. Mine sure didn't!!

Putting down the bottle is only the beginning of recovery for the A, with a lifetime of sometimes very tough and painful work ahead. It's the same for us on this side of the fence, too--our recovery is ongoing and requires time and effort, not just separating ourselves physically from the A.

In the meetings I've attended, there are MANY people who no longer live with their qualifiers, including myself. We are there to heal the damage to our OWN lives, which remains even after the alcoholic relationship has ended. If you're getting benefits, growth and learning from attending meetings, there is absolutely nothing "hypocritical" about that. Go as long as you need/want to! All you need to qualify is to have had your life affected by someone else's drinking, and I think that shoe fits, right?

ironwill

FHG,

We don't condone violence here. If you wanted something in the morning I would suggest you ask for coffee and omelets. lol.

I can see where you might feel loyalty and honor would be the same as "obey" . All the loyalty and honor went out the window by him when he cheated and lied and continued to drink. No spouse deserves to be treated that way. A loving spouse see your side of the issues and supports your ideas and dreams also. Wants to put your needs in front of theirs and vice versa.

By the way you are not crazy, You have lived with an Alcoholic. Your are brave, courageous, and strong. All these are needed to overcome the Alcoholic and get help for your self. I'm glad you are going to the AL-Anon meetings. And your AH needs to know nothing of what goes on in the meetings.

I hope you have a great day and some days i miss the chickens I had when I lived out in the county and farm life.

FarmhouseGal

ironwill

Farmhousegal,

I knew what you were trying to say. I was just having a little fun with it. Sorry about that. Forgive me.

trailmix

Oh not at all FHG, no offense taken! There was nothing wrong with what you said at all and of course Ironwill was just joshing.

I do like the chicken picture.

hopeful4

Oh girl! You should know better, we don't get offended, we just laugh with you.

I too love the pic of those chickens!

ironwill

thanks trailmix for the support, I was just joshing as you say.

Those are the chickens we had at out last house . The two large white and black ones where Lavern and Shirley. The skinny white and black was Tiffany (blue eggs). I can't remember the rest (sorry). They were a lot of fun and the eggs were great.

thequest

Trying to keep the status quo. Exactly.

If you don't talk to or agree with the A here they frequently act like a cornered animal with no provocation other than not validating their ideas and life style.

Sasha1972

For what it’s worth, learning not to JADE was a life-changer for me. You don’t need anyone’s permission and you don’t owe anyone a role in your decision-making.

Also just to keep things in perspective - you went to an Al-Anon meeting, not a secret cabal of Satanist Mafia bosses plotting world takeover. You sat in a circle with a bunch of people who talked about their lives and how they were feeling. There is absolutely nothing here that any reasonable person could object to. If your AH doesn’t like it ... that’s coming from his perspective as an active addict who probably can’t think straight. It is not the perspective of a reasonable person whose ideas you should listen to.

Cyranoak

he knows that if you get healthy he'll lose his enabler. alanon is very, very threatening to alcoholics.