What to Expect First 90 Days?
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What to Expect First 90 Days?
I've been with my RAF for two years. He admitted he was an alcoholic last Thanksgiving, and vowed to quit on his own. He did--by stealing my Xanax and taking multiple pills to get through the day. I found out about it, he got clean again (he said), but was using alcohol behind my back. I left him a month and a half ago, and he finally went into treatment 31 days ago.
He is a high-functioning alcoholic with a detail oriented job. He's back at work, going to meetings 5 days a week and meeting with a sponsor. All great on that end, right?
Yet he's a complete a**hole to me. He is cold and mean and dismissive. I moved our wedding (which was supposed to be in November) to next year, and may just cancel it altogether. I have been supportive and loving and moved heaven and earth when I left him to get him into a treatment center. For the first week afterwards, he was awesome and sweet and loving. I have no idea when the switch flipped, but now it's all selfishness and crappy behavior toward me. Even small things--before, when he got up before me, he would bring me a cup of coffee. Let me get my food first at dinner, small niceties. Now, it's him and him alone.
He plays videogames constantly now to distract himself. Fine, I get that. He bought a new system without talking to me first, when we have had an agreement that anything over $100 is a conversation first. And we didn't have the money for it. He refuses to see that as a trust-breaker and keeps blaming me for not fixing my stuff. He's become selfish and just mean and cold to me, yet rah-rah AA is great, I'm at peace. I personally think that's BS because he's never joking or smiling. He says he has no cravings, I call BS.
I took off my ring a couple weeks ago and told him until he's in, I'm not moving forward with this wedding. I continue to tell him I love him like we did before (because I do love him), and he stopped saying it back or first. When I asked him last night where he stands with regards to us, he said "that's up to God." He absolutely will not answer about his feelings or us.
I live here, in his house, so the anxious side of me wants to know if I have to rent another place. We moved in together because we are both in pretty dire financial straits (hence my anger at the betrayal and cost of the game system) and leaving would be tough on me financially.
Is this part of the first 90 days? This self-centered a**holery? I saw someone mention in another post that they wish they had a What to Expect with recovery, and I do too. No matter how much I Google, I can't seem to find anything for what it's like for the spouse in those 90 days.
I'm in Al-Anon and in therapy. I've been in CODA and CR before, and did two years of therapy after an emotionally abusive relationship. My therapist says I'm doing all the right things, but I don't know if I am. Do I give up? Do I leave? Do I wait it out? Appreciate any advice.
He is a high-functioning alcoholic with a detail oriented job. He's back at work, going to meetings 5 days a week and meeting with a sponsor. All great on that end, right?
Yet he's a complete a**hole to me. He is cold and mean and dismissive. I moved our wedding (which was supposed to be in November) to next year, and may just cancel it altogether. I have been supportive and loving and moved heaven and earth when I left him to get him into a treatment center. For the first week afterwards, he was awesome and sweet and loving. I have no idea when the switch flipped, but now it's all selfishness and crappy behavior toward me. Even small things--before, when he got up before me, he would bring me a cup of coffee. Let me get my food first at dinner, small niceties. Now, it's him and him alone.
He plays videogames constantly now to distract himself. Fine, I get that. He bought a new system without talking to me first, when we have had an agreement that anything over $100 is a conversation first. And we didn't have the money for it. He refuses to see that as a trust-breaker and keeps blaming me for not fixing my stuff. He's become selfish and just mean and cold to me, yet rah-rah AA is great, I'm at peace. I personally think that's BS because he's never joking or smiling. He says he has no cravings, I call BS.
I took off my ring a couple weeks ago and told him until he's in, I'm not moving forward with this wedding. I continue to tell him I love him like we did before (because I do love him), and he stopped saying it back or first. When I asked him last night where he stands with regards to us, he said "that's up to God." He absolutely will not answer about his feelings or us.
I live here, in his house, so the anxious side of me wants to know if I have to rent another place. We moved in together because we are both in pretty dire financial straits (hence my anger at the betrayal and cost of the game system) and leaving would be tough on me financially.
Is this part of the first 90 days? This self-centered a**holery? I saw someone mention in another post that they wish they had a What to Expect with recovery, and I do too. No matter how much I Google, I can't seem to find anything for what it's like for the spouse in those 90 days.
I'm in Al-Anon and in therapy. I've been in CODA and CR before, and did two years of therapy after an emotionally abusive relationship. My therapist says I'm doing all the right things, but I don't know if I am. Do I give up? Do I leave? Do I wait it out? Appreciate any advice.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Hi tristrong and welcome.
What to expect is anyone's guess but it sounds like a simple case of of white knuckling it. He is not in "recovery" he has just put the alcohol aside.
I would recommend you read the other threads in the forum. Selfish, self-centered, angry, behaviour when alcohol is denied is pretty much the norm. Until he actually works recovery, that pretty much won't change.
I'm really glad you decided to postpone the wedding for at least a year. A lifetime of this would be hell for you.
As for whether you should rent another place, it's not a bad idea at all. Perhaps leaving him to get on with whatever he needs to is a good plan. You don't need to be his punching bag. He obviously has a lot of anger he needs to vent and you are the one he chooses to vent that on, do you want that to be your role? If not, separation for a time is probably wise.
He will either embrace recovery or he won't but in the meantime you don't need to sacrifice yourself.
I'm glad you are attending Al-Anon and have therapy for support.
Another member here, dandylion, suggests it would be a good idea for the person attempting recovery to go live in a monastery in the mountains for a year - to save everyone this grief - I agree with her!
What to expect is anyone's guess but it sounds like a simple case of of white knuckling it. He is not in "recovery" he has just put the alcohol aside.
I would recommend you read the other threads in the forum. Selfish, self-centered, angry, behaviour when alcohol is denied is pretty much the norm. Until he actually works recovery, that pretty much won't change.
I'm really glad you decided to postpone the wedding for at least a year. A lifetime of this would be hell for you.
As for whether you should rent another place, it's not a bad idea at all. Perhaps leaving him to get on with whatever he needs to is a good plan. You don't need to be his punching bag. He obviously has a lot of anger he needs to vent and you are the one he chooses to vent that on, do you want that to be your role? If not, separation for a time is probably wise.
He will either embrace recovery or he won't but in the meantime you don't need to sacrifice yourself.
I'm glad you are attending Al-Anon and have therapy for support.
Another member here, dandylion, suggests it would be a good idea for the person attempting recovery to go live in a monastery in the mountains for a year - to save everyone this grief - I agree with her!
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I think you are doing the right thing for you. I hope you didn't move out thinking that it would cause him to change. He won't really change until he is so miserable that he can't stand it one more minute.
Good on you for going no contact. The last thing you need is him blowing up your phone ranting or making empty promises. Give yourself time to start thinking clearly and figuring out if this is really the guy for you. I believe you deserve better.
Good on you for going no contact. The last thing you need is him blowing up your phone ranting or making empty promises. Give yourself time to start thinking clearly and figuring out if this is really the guy for you. I believe you deserve better.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Hi tristrong, only you can know what is right for you but that said, it sounds like a really good decision right now.
Regardless of the reason (as you know) no one should be given the opportunity to treat you badly. While he might be suffering and might be in withdrawal etc etc, that's no excuse, it just isn't. So from that standpoint alone, taking your distance seems very wise.
Keep posting, going no-contact can be hard in the beginning but you can do this and start clearing the fog.
Regardless of the reason (as you know) no one should be given the opportunity to treat you badly. While he might be suffering and might be in withdrawal etc etc, that's no excuse, it just isn't. So from that standpoint alone, taking your distance seems very wise.
Keep posting, going no-contact can be hard in the beginning but you can do this and start clearing the fog.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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When it comes to recovery there is no "one size fits all." I suggest letting go of the idea of a warm, cozy relationship: even alcoholics with a recovery program can be difficult. There's nothing more stressful than getting sober and for most it takes a few tries to stay sober. Give him lots of space right now, this is a solitary endeavor. Yes, alcoholics are pretty self-centered even in recovery.
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Originally Posted by suki44883 
I think you are doing the right thing for you. I hope you didn't move out thinking that it would cause him to change. He won't really change until he is so miserable that he can't stand it one more minute..
I resent that I’m the one living like a hobo and couch surfing at 51 and he’s in his house, being mad and telling everyone it’s all me. But better that than enabling his bad behavior.
Maybe he’s not taking Xanax again but either way his behavior is unacceptable. I know this isn’t him and gotta say I hate being powerless. I just keep telling myself that if I’m out of the way, God can work in the space between.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Keep posting, going no-contact can be hard in the beginning but you can do this and start clearing the fog.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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I remember I was very hard on my GF (now wife) and acted the same way. I think I took the " focus on yourself " a bit too far and shut her out. She did not attend Al-Anon but was angry that "strangers could get me to stop" We had our ups and downs but we got married a few years ago. It took me a while to stop blaming her for my problem. I say wait it out for his head to clear. Just my opinion.
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Originally Posted by bassplayer315
I remember I was very hard on my GF (now wife) and acted the same way. I think I took the " focus on yourself " a bit too far and shut her out. She did not attend Al-Anon but was angry that "strangers could get me to stop" We had our ups and downs but we got married a few years ago. It took me a while to stop blaming her for my problem. I say wait it out for his head to clear. Just my opinion.
I could be completely wrong accusing him of using Xanax. But even if I am, that doesn’t mean he gets to dump everything on me and never validate anything
I’m just incredibly sad and frustrated and wish things were different. I do hope it turns out okay but the more time that passes the less I believe that it will.
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It's very early days yet and it doesn't sound like your AF has reached any kind of recovery, at all.
He sounds like an alcoholic with no alcohol. White knuckling it.
The anger, the self-centeredness, all of it. Now, in theory, once he gets in to recovery those things should start to change and as it is so early it's hard to say how it will go.
If he is taking xanax you mean he is just taking them recreationally, he hasn't had them prescribed? If that's so maybe that is curbing the cravings. Not saying he should be taking them without a prescription, just that he might be telling the truth on that one, seems unlikely but who knows.
As for the game system, distraction, he doesn't seem to know what to do with himself and that's not surprising.
I don't know how long he's been drinking but going from drinking all the time or often to no drinking is not, of course, just about the drinking. He has used alcohol for years for entertainment, mood control, fun, to soothe himself, to block out emotion etc. Now that is all gone, he's lost.
It's going to take some time for him to get some equilibrium. Now, again, doesn't mean you need to stand in the line of fire, just that - it takes time. As you have always known him as an alcoholic, it means you have never really known him in recovery.
More will be revealed as they say.
He sounds like an alcoholic with no alcohol. White knuckling it.
The anger, the self-centeredness, all of it. Now, in theory, once he gets in to recovery those things should start to change and as it is so early it's hard to say how it will go.
If he is taking xanax you mean he is just taking them recreationally, he hasn't had them prescribed? If that's so maybe that is curbing the cravings. Not saying he should be taking them without a prescription, just that he might be telling the truth on that one, seems unlikely but who knows.
As for the game system, distraction, he doesn't seem to know what to do with himself and that's not surprising.
I don't know how long he's been drinking but going from drinking all the time or often to no drinking is not, of course, just about the drinking. He has used alcohol for years for entertainment, mood control, fun, to soothe himself, to block out emotion etc. Now that is all gone, he's lost.
It's going to take some time for him to get some equilibrium. Now, again, doesn't mean you need to stand in the line of fire, just that - it takes time. As you have always known him as an alcoholic, it means you have never really known him in recovery.
More will be revealed as they say.
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Tristrong,
You are making a very wise decision and following your gut. You gut told you to move the wedding back. Your gut said to move out and go no contact. All of this can be hard. Your heart wants to stay, help and talk, but you realize all ready that you are powerless over the alcohol. It has control over him and until he wants that inner peace he is just white knuckling it even with going to meetings and having a sponsor.
You do not deserve to be treated the way he is treating you. If this is a man that ask you to marry him, he should have no issue in expressing his love for you at anytime. It should not be "up to God". I'm sorry that he is being cold in this matter. You deserve better.
Those first 90 days are different for everyone. Some alcoholics want that inner peace right away, some it takes longer if ever. Only they can make the journey and they have got to want to take it.
I hope you look after yourself. Try and get your mind off it. Do something fun or relaxing. This will help you get the focus you need to proceed forward. Have a great day.
You are making a very wise decision and following your gut. You gut told you to move the wedding back. Your gut said to move out and go no contact. All of this can be hard. Your heart wants to stay, help and talk, but you realize all ready that you are powerless over the alcohol. It has control over him and until he wants that inner peace he is just white knuckling it even with going to meetings and having a sponsor.
You do not deserve to be treated the way he is treating you. If this is a man that ask you to marry him, he should have no issue in expressing his love for you at anytime. It should not be "up to God". I'm sorry that he is being cold in this matter. You deserve better.
Those first 90 days are different for everyone. Some alcoholics want that inner peace right away, some it takes longer if ever. Only they can make the journey and they have got to want to take it.
I hope you look after yourself. Try and get your mind off it. Do something fun or relaxing. This will help you get the focus you need to proceed forward. Have a great day.
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Some addicts are just aholes. Rehab won't fix that.
I personally would be planning to move. Even if he does improve and you don't end up having to.
I agree, keep to your side of the street and focus on YOU and your own mental well being.
I personally would be planning to move. Even if he does improve and you don't end up having to.
I agree, keep to your side of the street and focus on YOU and your own mental well being.
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TS
You said in your opening post that he admitted to having a problem last Thanksgiving & vowed to quit on his own. He tried but ended up stealing your prescription drugs & continued drinking behind your back.
Then two months ago you left. I am guessing he sought treatment due to being pressured into it?
Now he treats you like a POS & plays video games constantly. You think he may be back to taking drugs & possibly drinking.
I understand why he treats you badly its because you f***ed up the party.
You want him or are forcing him to be clean & he doesn't want to on his own. In his mind it is all your fault. Its why he treats you like sh*t
This guy is a total loser. I would rather sleep in my car than deal with that level of BS.
If you continue in this relationship I think you will be in for an extremely rocky & rough road. As of now your not married, no children, his house - no real entanglements. I would get away cleanly while you still can.
If I had a do-over and could leave prior to all the entanglements id vanish like Houdini.
Take care of yourself
You said in your opening post that he admitted to having a problem last Thanksgiving & vowed to quit on his own. He tried but ended up stealing your prescription drugs & continued drinking behind your back.
Then two months ago you left. I am guessing he sought treatment due to being pressured into it?
Now he treats you like a POS & plays video games constantly. You think he may be back to taking drugs & possibly drinking.
I understand why he treats you badly its because you f***ed up the party.
You want him or are forcing him to be clean & he doesn't want to on his own. In his mind it is all your fault. Its why he treats you like sh*t
This guy is a total loser. I would rather sleep in my car than deal with that level of BS.
If you continue in this relationship I think you will be in for an extremely rocky & rough road. As of now your not married, no children, his house - no real entanglements. I would get away cleanly while you still can.
If I had a do-over and could leave prior to all the entanglements id vanish like Houdini.
Take care of yourself
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 160
I think regardless of his recovery status... having some time away from him while he goes through it (or doesnt!) will be good for you! It takes distance to get perspective on some things, including what your feelings are towards him now. But it sounds like you're being very practical about everything! Al-anon and therapy are doing you well.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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I think you are doing the right thing by leaving him, going NC etc.
When I got out of a 30 day rehab 7 years, I was SO GRATEFUL to my spouse and adult kids for stepping in, finding the rehab and making me go. I still am. They saved my life.
He's being incredibly immature, selfish and mean. I'd delete him from your life ASAP.
I'm really sorry this is happening to you.
When I got out of a 30 day rehab 7 years, I was SO GRATEFUL to my spouse and adult kids for stepping in, finding the rehab and making me go. I still am. They saved my life.
He's being incredibly immature, selfish and mean. I'd delete him from your life ASAP.
I'm really sorry this is happening to you.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
you are doing the right thing...
...and when we think they are using they are using. your job is to give yourself a beautiful life, and his job is to do the same for him.
it is not your job to throw away your life trying to save somebody else-- especially when they don't want you to or they aren't helping.
i threw mine away trying to save somebody else, and now I'm mid-50's with nothing to show for it but missed opportunity after missed opportunity, and I did the last 20 years "with" her, but all by myself. Don't feel sorry for me-- it was a self-inflicted.
C-
it is not your job to throw away your life trying to save somebody else-- especially when they don't want you to or they aren't helping.
i threw mine away trying to save somebody else, and now I'm mid-50's with nothing to show for it but missed opportunity after missed opportunity, and I did the last 20 years "with" her, but all by myself. Don't feel sorry for me-- it was a self-inflicted.
C-
Originally Posted by TriStrong
I appreciate the feedback. I think he’s either dry drunk or using Xanax again. I moved out yesterday and went no contact. I hope I’m doing the right thing.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
It's very early days yet and it doesn't sound like your AF has reached any kind of recovery, at all.
He sounds like an alcoholic with no alcohol. White knuckling it.
The anger, the self-centeredness, all of it. Now, in theory, once he gets in to recovery those things should start to change and as it is so early it's hard to say how it will go.
If he is taking xanax you mean he is just taking them recreationally, he hasn't had them prescribed? If that's so maybe that is curbing the cravings.
He sounds like an alcoholic with no alcohol. White knuckling it.
The anger, the self-centeredness, all of it. Now, in theory, once he gets in to recovery those things should start to change and as it is so early it's hard to say how it will go.
If he is taking xanax you mean he is just taking them recreationally, he hasn't had them prescribed? If that's so maybe that is curbing the cravings.
Except I know full well the last time he was sober, he did all the AA, got his chips, etc., and took 4 Xanax a day. He stole 180 pills from me (I had filled them all a long time ago, and kept them just in case I ever lose my health insurance). Mine are prescribed for sleeping, and I rarely take them, but noticed a week or so ago that about a dozen were missing from my bottle again (which I had hidden pretty well I thought, and never took in front of him). So I took the rest out of the house and out of his reach.
Even if he isn't using Xanax, even if I am crazy and all the things he says, it doesn't give him license to treat me as he did or to avoid his consequences, or most importantly put all the blame for every single thing on me.
I have a list on my phone of all the things he did that hurt me or how he lied to me, and every time I get the urge to call him or reach out (which is still a hundred times a day. Sigh), I read that list and remind myself why I am doing this, and that if I keep getting in the way, God can't do what He needs to do.
It's so hard, because I know who he really is, and to hear what he says about me, and to see the way he treats me, is just heartbreaking.
My daughter was a hardcore Xanax user who almost died. She now has over a year sobriety and I listen to her talk, and think I have never met this smart, capable, amazing young woman. It gives me hope.
Thank you all for the advice--I might not respond because I'm literally sofa surfing--but it is helping tremendously.
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Originally Posted by Zevin
I think you are doing the right thing by leaving him, going NC etc.
When I got out of a 30 day rehab 7 years, I was SO GRATEFUL to my spouse and adult kids for stepping in, finding the rehab and making me go. I still am. They saved my life.
He's being incredibly immature, selfish and mean. I'd delete him from your life ASAP.
I'm really sorry this is happening to you.
When I got out of a 30 day rehab 7 years, I was SO GRATEFUL to my spouse and adult kids for stepping in, finding the rehab and making me go. I still am. They saved my life.
He's being incredibly immature, selfish and mean. I'd delete him from your life ASAP.
I'm really sorry this is happening to you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Posts: 11,589
I know this isn’t him and gotta say I hate being powerless.
He's been using something--weed, alcohol, xanax, for 35 years. He has been on Xanax for 30 years.
i suggest that this IS him. this is the predictably unpredictable behaviors of someone in ACTIVE addiction. during the time you have known him he has been under the influence of something the entire time. minus a short stint in rehab. to which he immediately picked up again once he got out. he went so far as to STEAL from you.
and now at the age of 51 you find yourself temporarily displaced while his top priority is to make sure everyone knows you are the BAD guy.
and what ARE your transgressions?
1. expressing concern for a loved one's drug/alcohol abuse
2. confronted the loved one for stealing from you
He's been using something--weed, alcohol, xanax, for 35 years. He has been on Xanax for 30 years.
i suggest that this IS him. this is the predictably unpredictable behaviors of someone in ACTIVE addiction. during the time you have known him he has been under the influence of something the entire time. minus a short stint in rehab. to which he immediately picked up again once he got out. he went so far as to STEAL from you.
and now at the age of 51 you find yourself temporarily displaced while his top priority is to make sure everyone knows you are the BAD guy.
and what ARE your transgressions?
1. expressing concern for a loved one's drug/alcohol abuse
2. confronted the loved one for stealing from you
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