Teehee

No, I do not have a job outside the home at this time. In working on it. Its paramount that I find one so I can sock money away more easily and have some independence. Plus, if I hope to keep my home I need to have a job. I have to be careful, my husband is not a stupid man and reads me like a book.

Hawkeye13

What about a renting a gym locker at the Y?

Also I suggest going there regularly not just for stress release and benefits but to get him used to you being out frequently and don’t always go the same times.

Meeting some women for coffee or tea downtown is a good cover for getting some job applications filled out and submitted.

hearthealth

My mother had a to go purse. She was afraid of an apartment fire. Maybe put some pads on top.

Teehee

There is a spare tire compartment but the tire is in it. inll figure something out. My car is literally the be all family car. Its mine, my name only on the title, but it's used for everything. Matter of fact, my husband used it for himself yesterday. It just isn't safe to keep things in for a vet away. He even keeps my car clean inside and out. I'll figure something out.
The pears are just about ripe and will go into a pie. That will bring me some joy to have pear pie and its scent filling the air.

Teehee

Now that is a good idea, tho wish the Y was 24/7

AnvilheadII

is there anywhere or anything in the house he does NOT go thru or check regularly? your winter coats, bathrobe, tall winter boots? if your phone is SAFE, you could start to take photos of important documents, so even if you don't have them with you, you have a record of them. small little steps.

trailmix

So if I am understanding you correctly you lack cash as you are not working yet and you are worried about somehow losing the house if you just up and leave?

I have forgotten if you've seen a lawyer yet but community property laws in your state will go some way toward easing your mind.

As for actual cash, is it possible that someone in your family can lend you money? Do you have a joint account, it is possible you could just take half the cash in your joint account(s) and leave? Unless he controls all the money too.

Teehee

Most men do not clean, but my husband does. He was in the navy for over 10yrs and runs a very "tight ship". This man irons the bed sheets for petes sake, something I told him I'd never do when we started dating and is one of the few things he never bothers me about. I will find something; I will probably look for a bank and safety deposit box that are in my name only here in town. We don't bank in our new town because he likes the one we've had for over a year that is 35 min. away in the next town, so that should work out ok. With online banking and paperless statements, I can get a new email address, no checks, maybe a bank card, and keep it all concealed. Important documents are kept in the safe placed in the basement so I'm not sure what to do about a birth certificate unless I get a duplicate and having just got married, I only recently received my new SSCard.

I like the idea of taking pictures of important docs, but I may have enough time to get official duplicates and keep in the safe deposit box.

Ariesagain

How tech savvy is this guy? I wonder about cameras in the house...

Teehee

Correct, all of my cash went into our home. I have zero of my own dollars (not that what he earns isn't mine too, but I have nothing left that is from my life before him except what is put into the home). And yes, I'm worried I will lose this home if I leave. I spoke about this with my advocate and if I decide I'm leaving, I could wait until he threatens me and call the police and have him removed from the home and place a restraining order against him.

No, I haven't contacted an attorney, but I'm making plans to contact ALL the attorneys in this town so that hopefully, should the day come we divorce and he seeks a lawyer here, he won't be able to because of the conflict of interest from them having visited with me about the same thing. That is the hope, anyway.

I'm not ready to leave yet. I have too many ducks to get in a row before I can even think of doing it and it will take time. First things first, I need a job. When I secure a job, I will open a new bank account in my name only and a safety deposit box. Then original document collection will follow.

Also extremely important, is that the RV needs to sell (I'm working on him to sell it sooner rather than later) this way I can pay off 2 credit cards that are in my name he ran up. When the inevitable comes, I don't want to be saddled with debt if at all possible. His earning capability is much greater than mine.

Needabreak

Re: how tech savvy he is, I also wonder if he knows who to install tracking software that tracks your internet activity, including what you type.

Be careful.

Teehee

He is tech savvy. He is an engineer and pilot. We have cameras around the entire home on the outside, not inside. If anyone leaves the home, there is notification of activity from the cameras. The cameras are real time and record 24/7. This can be good if he is ever inappropriate while we are outside, but otherwise, he can look at the cameras anytime he wants and see if i'm home, not home, outside, inside, etc.

AnvilheadII

just an aside....i've always wondered WHY anyone would iron sheets???

Teehee

In all honesty, they are super soft after ironing, or at least our sheets are, but again, I'd NEVER do it. He can have at it and I'll just enjoy for now.

Hawkeye13

SOunds like getting a job is priority. Are you expecting resistance from him on that?

If so, the tried and true keeping up a credit rating in your own name is a good response. Also having your own money since all your resources are tied up now in the house and credit card debt in your name.

Interesting he ran up your cards. Does he have his own? Does he have credit issues from the past before you? These are telling details if so.

PuzzledHeart

It is VERY EASY to install an inside camera without your knowledge. They can be disguised as alarm clocks, speakers, lamps, electronic chargers or what not. Just google "Spy store" and you'll get an idea.

If you have a "smart" home, it is also very easy to track activity inside the home. I wouldn't be surprised if he turned on the microphones remotely every once in a while just for kicks..

He can recover data from your phone as well, so please get a burner phone if you haven't already.

Yes he may have OCD/other issues but that still doesn't give him the right to vomit his anxiety all over you.

Honestly, if I were your husband, and I wanted to control you, I would take my sweet time selling that RV. Why would I ever want to pay the credit card debt if it can effectively psychologically chain you to me? You're better off presuming that he won't sell that RV in the first place.

Given his current mental condition, you can't let him know what things are important to you - by doing that, you just give him additional ways to manipulate you.

AnvilheadII

I'm not ready to leave yet. I have too many ducks to get in a row before I can even think of doing it and it will take time.

the longer you take, the more time HE has to continue to make it so you can't leave. you are already up a crick and now he's draining it. he talked you into selling off a big asset and throwing all the proceeds into this house. you have no source of income and he can easily limit your access to funds. he has you under surveillance. and on your hands and knees cleaning floors.

the thing is, it can and will get worse. i worry if you did try to get a job, he would simply disable the vehicle and prevent you from actually getting TO the job. assuming you two share a phone plan, he could easily cut YOUR phone off. or oopsie, drop it in the sink, remove the sim card, drive over it.

i suspect he already has a gps tracker on your car. and i fear your time is limited to make a break for it. this is all a big game to him. you are his plaything, his little science project and he's the mad scientist.

Teehee

The good thing is that I live in a 116 yr old home that has never had an alarm system or security cameras. I had them installed, not my husband, through a company I sought, not my husband, and I was the one who met them at my home and had everything wired, installed, and learned how to use the devices -- not my husband, so I'm not afraid of their use. Yes, he can see me come and go if he chooses to not work, but his job requires a lot of focus.

He is ready for me to get a job, that won't be a problem either. He would like to be able to spend more money than he does but I won't let that happen. I do control the purse strings, so here again I don't worry. Its just hard to put anything back at the moment which getting a job will help me do.

While I am not good with his behavior and find it very alarming and sometimes scary, I am very comfortable with my plan. If that plan has to change in the near future because of escalated unacceptable abusive behavior, then so be it, but until then I will work methodically to put things in place so that I am secure financially and in other ways, too.

I'm feeling confidant, more so than when I first started posting, because I am seeing what is going on, see the cycle, and I have a plan.

PuzzledHeart

You don't need a fancy security system to have hidden cameras. If you have a wireless internet access, you can add a remote hidden camera. Even if you didn't, you can get cameras that are completely self-contained that run on batteries and store the video on an SD card. If I seem so adamant about this, it's because a friend of mine was in a similar situation, (she did eventually get out.).

That said, you sound like you're in a good place. Just prepare for the unexpected, but it sounds like you're getting there.

Sasha1972

For a place to stash credit cards, flash drives with documents, even cash - how about at the bottom of a box of pads or tampons? Buy a big box. Your husband doesn’t strike me as the type who’d go poking into icky female things.

I have a friend (really - not me) who used to smuggle foreign currencies across borders in her box of tampons - guaranteed no male border guard would ever want to dump that out).