Watching and waiting - Cycle of Abuse
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 94
Watching and waiting - Cycle of Abuse
Things have been very good since our frank discussion on the 6th (yes, I'm documenting EVERYTHING).
Some nice people at the church gave us a sack of home grown pears Wednesday night. Because they are not quite ripe, I placed them neatly in a decorative bowl on the table in the formal dining room, then went about making cookies and preparing dinner.
When my husband came home he asked me why there are pears on the dining room table when they belong in the kitchen. I told him because I wanted them there. He asked me the same questions again and I responded the same. He says, "but they belong in the kitchen" and I told him I didn't want them in the kitchen because they aren't ripe, they would take up valuable counter space I needed, and I like them them on the dining room table because it looks pretty. He dropped it, but when we walked into the kitchen he makes the comment that fresh baked cookies and dinner already prepared and ready are what really make him happy. A moment later he says that he doesn't get angry when people aren't sarcastic (talking about the pears again). I responded that a wise person told me last night to MYOB (mind my own business) and said I agree with that wise person (he told me to MYOB the night before when I had asked him a question about his dinner). He restated he is never angry when someone isn't sarcastic with him. To me, this was a verbal warning.
I'm seeing a red flag. I felt uncomfortable, like I'm being given "lessons" again. I don't need lessons nor do I want them from my husband. I see the ending of the honeymoon period and the beginning of part one of the cycle of abuse where tension begins building. The rest of the evening was fine and we went to AA and Alanon without any other red flag moments. However, this little power play was disconcerting and has been on my mind every since it happened.
I've called and left a message with my DV advocate so I can talk with her about it. I don't think my uneasiness is for nothing.
Some nice people at the church gave us a sack of home grown pears Wednesday night. Because they are not quite ripe, I placed them neatly in a decorative bowl on the table in the formal dining room, then went about making cookies and preparing dinner.
When my husband came home he asked me why there are pears on the dining room table when they belong in the kitchen. I told him because I wanted them there. He asked me the same questions again and I responded the same. He says, "but they belong in the kitchen" and I told him I didn't want them in the kitchen because they aren't ripe, they would take up valuable counter space I needed, and I like them them on the dining room table because it looks pretty. He dropped it, but when we walked into the kitchen he makes the comment that fresh baked cookies and dinner already prepared and ready are what really make him happy. A moment later he says that he doesn't get angry when people aren't sarcastic (talking about the pears again). I responded that a wise person told me last night to MYOB (mind my own business) and said I agree with that wise person (he told me to MYOB the night before when I had asked him a question about his dinner). He restated he is never angry when someone isn't sarcastic with him. To me, this was a verbal warning.
I'm seeing a red flag. I felt uncomfortable, like I'm being given "lessons" again. I don't need lessons nor do I want them from my husband. I see the ending of the honeymoon period and the beginning of part one of the cycle of abuse where tension begins building. The rest of the evening was fine and we went to AA and Alanon without any other red flag moments. However, this little power play was disconcerting and has been on my mind every since it happened.
I've called and left a message with my DV advocate so I can talk with her about it. I don't think my uneasiness is for nothing.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Ugh. It sounds like he's trying to put you in your place (he expects his dinner and cookies, your job is to do things that make him happy) as well as announcing that if he does get angry ... it will because someone (you) was "sarcastic" towards him. He's offloading the responsibility for his anger in advance. (And you know that isn't true - he gets angry even when sarcasm is nowhere to be found).
He sounds very patriarchal - house runs according to his rules (pears belong in the kitchen!), wife exists to do what makes him happy and to never "make" him angry. Do what he wants and you'll be fine. Except you won't be fine.
Good call, talking to your DV advocate. You're not uneasy for no reason.
He sounds very patriarchal - house runs according to his rules (pears belong in the kitchen!), wife exists to do what makes him happy and to never "make" him angry. Do what he wants and you'll be fine. Except you won't be fine.
Good call, talking to your DV advocate. You're not uneasy for no reason.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi Teehee,
I'm seeing a red flag also. I would also trust your gut on this one. If he is nit picking about pears on a dining room table and not in the kitchen be on your guard. A normal person would of seen it as a nice centerpiece for the table and been done with it. But we know that's not what an A mind thinks about. Look after yourself and keep talking with your DV advocate. Have a great day.
I'm seeing a red flag also. I would also trust your gut on this one. If he is nit picking about pears on a dining room table and not in the kitchen be on your guard. A normal person would of seen it as a nice centerpiece for the table and been done with it. But we know that's not what an A mind thinks about. Look after yourself and keep talking with your DV advocate. Have a great day.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
Excuse me for being blunt, but this man sounds like a bit of a selfish jerk. Relationships shouldn't be about control, or one person doing what the other one wants based on manipulation or fear. Do you see yourself being able to put up with this dynamic for the rest of your life? The people we choose to be in relationships with should make us feel at peace and content. Don't ignore your red flags. Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
I can completely picture the scenario you described. Off on the destructive ride again.
Your Husband has deep rooted problems and it's not just alcoholism in my opinion, based on my experience with others. I mean alcoholism is surely a problem but this controlling is a huge problem.
He needs much more help than AA will ever be able to give him. Trying to figure out a mental issue with the same mind that got you there/that it thrives in is - pretty much a waste of time (yours mostly). You have stated you like him much better when he's going to AA and I'm sure that's true, but he is and look where you are.
Your Husband has deep rooted problems and it's not just alcoholism in my opinion, based on my experience with others. I mean alcoholism is surely a problem but this controlling is a huge problem.
He needs much more help than AA will ever be able to give him. Trying to figure out a mental issue with the same mind that got you there/that it thrives in is - pretty much a waste of time (yours mostly). You have stated you like him much better when he's going to AA and I'm sure that's true, but he is and look where you are.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by suki44883 
Teehee, I hope you bought a mop. 
Expecting you to clean the kitchen floor on your hands and knees would have driven me right out the door and to a mop store.
Expecting you to clean the kitchen floor on your hands and knees would have driven me right out the door and to a mop store.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
I agree with other posters, even with alcohol out of the picture,
you are left with a man who has obvious control/OCD/anger issues
which in themselves will make your life a living hell. These
are not issues AA will resolve. The more you push, the more he
will push back, this is not a peaceful, healing environment.
How much longer are you willing to spend your life with someone
who wants to control you and is not able to let you live
your life as YOU? That is a great sacrifice to make.
you are left with a man who has obvious control/OCD/anger issues
which in themselves will make your life a living hell. These
are not issues AA will resolve. The more you push, the more he
will push back, this is not a peaceful, healing environment.
How much longer are you willing to spend your life with someone
who wants to control you and is not able to let you live
your life as YOU? That is a great sacrifice to make.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I placed them neatly in a decorative bowl on the table in the formal dining room, then went about making cookies and preparing dinner.
^^^just your description of these "acts" is disturbing.
in the real world who cares how the damn pears are stacked? or what kind of bowl they are in? they could be a paper bag for pete's sake!
nothing wrong with baking cookies or cooking dinner, or even doing both so your mate who worked all day comes home to a house that smells good and dinner cooked. IF you are doing so because you WANT to, not because the arriving spouse DEMANDS this. otherwise a bag of Oreos and TV dinner will suffice.
i do worry that after your "talk" the other day when he SEEMED so receptive, he was anything but. and that instead it's slow burning fuel. i am very glad you are aware of the cycle of abuse, and that you reached out to your DV contact. please continue to be careful. very careful. i've heard and read of a lot of bad actors, but THIS guy takes creepy and sinister to whole 'nother level.
you keep your phone nearby, purse/wallet/keys somewhere not in the open that he has easy access to? so do you have a small GO bag? some cash stashed in case you need to beat feet? maybe the back up car key in case he takes your purse? you have covered your tracks on line and keep your phone history clean? your phone is password protected?
^^^just your description of these "acts" is disturbing.
in the real world who cares how the damn pears are stacked? or what kind of bowl they are in? they could be a paper bag for pete's sake!
nothing wrong with baking cookies or cooking dinner, or even doing both so your mate who worked all day comes home to a house that smells good and dinner cooked. IF you are doing so because you WANT to, not because the arriving spouse DEMANDS this. otherwise a bag of Oreos and TV dinner will suffice.
i do worry that after your "talk" the other day when he SEEMED so receptive, he was anything but. and that instead it's slow burning fuel. i am very glad you are aware of the cycle of abuse, and that you reached out to your DV contact. please continue to be careful. very careful. i've heard and read of a lot of bad actors, but THIS guy takes creepy and sinister to whole 'nother level.
you keep your phone nearby, purse/wallet/keys somewhere not in the open that he has easy access to? so do you have a small GO bag? some cash stashed in case you need to beat feet? maybe the back up car key in case he takes your purse? you have covered your tracks on line and keep your phone history clean? your phone is password protected?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
you keep your phone nearby, purse/wallet/keys somewhere not in the open that he has easy access to? so do you have a small GO bag? some cash stashed in case you need to beat feet? maybe the back up car key in case he takes your purse? you have covered your tracks on line and keep your phone history clean? your phone is password protected?
My ex mother-in-law was a wonderful woman, but she was married for years to a man very much like your husband. He had some mental issues, but as long as he stayed on his medication, he was okay. One day, out of the blue, he attacked her as she was getting out of the shower...extremely vulnerable and helpless. I don't tell you this to frighten you, but to make you aware that it could happen, and how could you possibly defend yourself in that situation?
This is why you should have a to-go bag with important papers (birth certificate, social security card, car title and insurance, a pre-paid cell phone, etc.) packed and in the trunk of your car with some money inside, along with an extra set of keys hidden somewhere.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
I second everything Trailmix said, especially this:
You have stated you like him much better when he's going to AA and I'm sure that's true, but he is and look where you are.
He sounds like a ticking time bomb. I haven't ever read your other posts, but have you ever considered a restraining order? I got one against my AXBF, and it has made all the difference in the world for my peace of mind. Might be something to discuss with your advocate.
You have stated you like him much better when he's going to AA and I'm sure that's true, but he is and look where you are.
He sounds like a ticking time bomb. I haven't ever read your other posts, but have you ever considered a restraining order? I got one against my AXBF, and it has made all the difference in the world for my peace of mind. Might be something to discuss with your advocate.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Get a to go bag and have it at a trusted family or friends house. This man sounds so much like my husband. Him being sober hasn't helped much. It's a personality thing. I cut my hand bad today washing dishes. He had got rid of the dishwasher. His first reaction is anger. No concern voiced. I too have to wash the floor by hand. I can't use a mop it gets the floor too wet. My happiness will never be important to him. There's no way to have a civilized discussion with my husband. I'm wasting my breath and biding my time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 94
My advocate agreed that this was tension building, not that I needed to have a second opinion. I'm formulating a plan should I ever have to leave immediately. I have to give this great thought because I'm the one with the most to lose having all of my savings wrapped up in this home. I dont want to lose it like I did the last marital home. This one is paid for, no mortgage.
This evening has been good. I'm praying for time.
This evening has been good. I'm praying for time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 94
Thanks for all of the great advice. I'm trying to figure out how to do some of the things suggested here and by my advocate without it being noticed. It's hard to have a grab bag when my car is the go to family ride and I don't know enough people yet to feel comfortable asking someone to leave a bag at their home. I would have to reveal too much to almost strangers. My family lives far away with the closest 3.5 hrs from me. If things become violent, which according to my advocate his threats of violence are a crime in and of themselves, I may have to get police involved and have him removed from the home at some point. I don't know. There is a lot going through my head. This is all devastating and feels like it's moving all too fast. But I'm committed to staying safe and fighting to be me. That statement alone, that I have to say that, makes me very sad. Everything is so abnormal, not at all what I pictured my life to be from first marriage to this one. what the hell.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Do you have a job outside of the house? Could you leave a to go bag there? A friend had a to go bag in her car. The husband found it and kept all her important papers and pictures for himself. He had a ready made to go bag, discovered her plan and she lost it all.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Teehee
Not sure what type of car you have trunk or hatch back - but if you look back there you should be able to find a hiding spot. Under spare tire compartment or sometimes there are compartments on either side in the back. If by chance you car has a spare tire compartment but no spare tire (happens on newer model cars - no spare tire) you would have enough room for a small suitcase. Otherwise can split your things up in small flexible bags. I don't think anyone would look back there if your emergency bags were concealed.
BTW - I have no direct experience but I would think un- ripened pears would make awesome projectiles for self defense. While you might be tempted otherwise (I know I would be) "Only to be used for emergency self defense purposes".
Not sure what type of car you have trunk or hatch back - but if you look back there you should be able to find a hiding spot. Under spare tire compartment or sometimes there are compartments on either side in the back. If by chance you car has a spare tire compartment but no spare tire (happens on newer model cars - no spare tire) you would have enough room for a small suitcase. Otherwise can split your things up in small flexible bags. I don't think anyone would look back there if your emergency bags were concealed.
BTW - I have no direct experience but I would think un- ripened pears would make awesome projectiles for self defense. While you might be tempted otherwise (I know I would be) "Only to be used for emergency self defense purposes".
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