Maybe it was me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
So today a lot of the hurt and usary by the AH is bubbling up. I don’t know how to reconcile all this crap in me. I didn’t like being the consequence maker, taskmaster, enabler that I was for so long. Thankfully, AH does let me vent all over him. I really don’t care at this point how he feels about it. I don’t think it’s cruel either. He’s still sober from what I know, and his responses are he understands and he’s sorry. Sore comfort for me today. Here I am in paradise and feeling so angry today. Heavy sigh. Thus recovery stuff is a roller coaster. Unconditional love is a lie. At this point all I see is to guard myself from others. What a sad statement on our society...or the state of my mind. Ugh. Bad beginning today guys....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
There came a point in time in my relationship with my addict where she had opened up & told me about her life. I did start reading about unconditional love. It was before I went on my reading mission concerning addiction.
I thought back then unconditional love was the answer & what I should do with her. That didn't work out very well at all.
I believe unconditional love does have a place in this world but it does not work at all when you throw addiction into the equation.
I thought back then unconditional love was the answer & what I should do with her. That didn't work out very well at all.
I believe unconditional love does have a place in this world but it does not work at all when you throw addiction into the equation.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
I think unconditional love is reserved for our children really, not our partners.
I totally understand that anger, I have it periodically and in some cases it is a good catalyst if directed correctly. Sometimes it can pull us forward and out of the guilt and rumination and sadness, so I welcome it in those cases.
And yes, it's so normal. Grief of the loss of this relationship, not linear and not a lot of fun at all. I read somewhere at some point that the mind will keep shifting whether you want it to or not, from sadness to anger to happiness, it won't just sit with an emotion, I find that to be reassuring.
So you are angry today, but this will pass and maybe later on today or maybe tomorrow, you will be feeling more content.
There is nothing fair about an alcoholic relationship. The hurt is real. Years of hurt and then the end of the relationship which also hurts.
I totally understand that anger, I have it periodically and in some cases it is a good catalyst if directed correctly. Sometimes it can pull us forward and out of the guilt and rumination and sadness, so I welcome it in those cases.
And yes, it's so normal. Grief of the loss of this relationship, not linear and not a lot of fun at all. I read somewhere at some point that the mind will keep shifting whether you want it to or not, from sadness to anger to happiness, it won't just sit with an emotion, I find that to be reassuring.
So you are angry today, but this will pass and maybe later on today or maybe tomorrow, you will be feeling more content.
There is nothing fair about an alcoholic relationship. The hurt is real. Years of hurt and then the end of the relationship which also hurts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by HardLessons 
There came a point in time in my relationship with my addict where she had opened up & told me about her life. I did start reading about unconditional love. It was before I went on my reading mission concerning addiction.
I thought back then unconditional love was the answer & what I should do with her. That didn't work out very well at all.
I believe unconditional love does have a place in this world but it does not work at all when you throw addiction into the equation.
I thought back then unconditional love was the answer & what I should do with her. That didn't work out very well at all.
I believe unconditional love does have a place in this world but it does not work at all when you throw addiction into the equation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by trailmix
I think unconditional love is reserved for our children really, not our partners.
I totally understand that anger, I have it periodically and in some cases it is a good catalyst if directed correctly. Sometimes it can pull us forward and out of the guilt and rumination and sadness, so I welcome it in those cases.
And yes, it's so normal. Grief of the loss of this relationship, not linear and not a lot of fun at all. I read somewhere at some point that the mind will keep shifting whether you want it to or not, from sadness to anger to happiness, it won't just sit with an emotion, I find that to be reassuring.
So you are angry today, but this will pass and maybe later on today or maybe tomorrow, you will be feeling more content.
There is nothing fair about an alcoholic relationship. The hurt is real. Years of hurt and then the end of the relationship which also hurts.
I totally understand that anger, I have it periodically and in some cases it is a good catalyst if directed correctly. Sometimes it can pull us forward and out of the guilt and rumination and sadness, so I welcome it in those cases.
And yes, it's so normal. Grief of the loss of this relationship, not linear and not a lot of fun at all. I read somewhere at some point that the mind will keep shifting whether you want it to or not, from sadness to anger to happiness, it won't just sit with an emotion, I find that to be reassuring.
So you are angry today, but this will pass and maybe later on today or maybe tomorrow, you will be feeling more content.
There is nothing fair about an alcoholic relationship. The hurt is real. Years of hurt and then the end of the relationship which also hurts.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
Hey DC
Hope being a blonde beach bunny has suited
You certainly deserved the rest.
Is he out of your home yet?
Watch the buddy buddy thing with him
for a good long while.
It is an easy way to be drawn back into enmeshment.
In fact, I think some minimal or no contact for several months at least would be best for both of you.
He needs to establish himself in sobriety on his own without you as back up if he is to really make new neural pathways and take full responsibility for his life and daily choices to not drink.
Although I am sure it is nice to be civil, to reaffirm the long connection and to have him accept the venting of how his actions hurt you, I don’t think re-habituating to daily or frequent communication with him will help you heal and grow in your own sunlight.
Besides it leaves you very vulnerable to falling back into seeing him and that is a very poor plan this early in both your recoveries. On a darker note, the long game for the addict is to keep you as resource and maybe get back in the door instead of facing the hard graft of work, money and recovery.
Hope being a blonde beach bunny has suited
You certainly deserved the rest.
Is he out of your home yet?
Watch the buddy buddy thing with him
for a good long while.
It is an easy way to be drawn back into enmeshment.
In fact, I think some minimal or no contact for several months at least would be best for both of you.
He needs to establish himself in sobriety on his own without you as back up if he is to really make new neural pathways and take full responsibility for his life and daily choices to not drink.
Although I am sure it is nice to be civil, to reaffirm the long connection and to have him accept the venting of how his actions hurt you, I don’t think re-habituating to daily or frequent communication with him will help you heal and grow in your own sunlight.
Besides it leaves you very vulnerable to falling back into seeing him and that is a very poor plan this early in both your recoveries. On a darker note, the long game for the addict is to keep you as resource and maybe get back in the door instead of facing the hard graft of work, money and recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: England U.K.
Posts: 62
Sorry Daze for jumping on yr thread here...but the posts off Trailmix & Hawkeye have me stunned they are so ‘spot on’ and why wouldn’t they be. It still never ceases to amaze me still that our experiences are exactly the same, with varying degrees of quirks of personality. I seriously had NO idea of this till I came here. Thank U.
Hope the anger period has subsided and you ve got bk into yr stride.
Totally with Trailmix when she explains the anger can flip you out of rumination, that’s a good description of what it’s good for as it really does that for Me & I tried to suppress it, I won’t now!
And Agree with Hawkeye on the daily contact...I made that mistake for too long & it’s def held Me back. But your way ahead of me Daze & your having a normal moment of anger.
Hope the Whales were uplifting!
xxx
Hope the anger period has subsided and you ve got bk into yr stride.
Totally with Trailmix when she explains the anger can flip you out of rumination, that’s a good description of what it’s good for as it really does that for Me & I tried to suppress it, I won’t now!
And Agree with Hawkeye on the daily contact...I made that mistake for too long & it’s def held Me back. But your way ahead of me Daze & your having a normal moment of anger.
Hope the Whales were uplifting!
xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Hey DC
Hope being a blonde beach bunny has suited
You certainly deserved the rest.
Is he out of your home yet?
Watch the buddy buddy thing with him
for a good long while.
It is an easy way to be drawn back into enmeshment.
In fact, I think some minimal or no contact for several months at least would be best for both of you.
He needs to establish himself in sobriety on his own without you as back up if he is to really make new neural pathways and take full responsibility for his life and daily choices to not drink.
Although I am sure it is nice to be civil, to reaffirm the long connection and to have him accept the venting of how his actions hurt you, I don’t think re-habituating to daily or frequent communication with him will help you heal and grow in your own sunlight.
Besides it leaves you very vulnerable to falling back into seeing him and that is a very poor plan this early in both your recoveries. On a darker note, the long game for the addict is to keep you as resource and maybe get back in the door instead of facing the hard graft of work, money and recovery.
Hope being a blonde beach bunny has suited
You certainly deserved the rest.
Is he out of your home yet?
Watch the buddy buddy thing with him
for a good long while.
It is an easy way to be drawn back into enmeshment.
In fact, I think some minimal or no contact for several months at least would be best for both of you.
He needs to establish himself in sobriety on his own without you as back up if he is to really make new neural pathways and take full responsibility for his life and daily choices to not drink.
Although I am sure it is nice to be civil, to reaffirm the long connection and to have him accept the venting of how his actions hurt you, I don’t think re-habituating to daily or frequent communication with him will help you heal and grow in your own sunlight.
Besides it leaves you very vulnerable to falling back into seeing him and that is a very poor plan this early in both your recoveries. On a darker note, the long game for the addict is to keep you as resource and maybe get back in the door instead of facing the hard graft of work, money and recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by Noodler
Sorry Daze for jumping on yr thread here...but the posts off Trailmix & Hawkeye have me stunned they are so ‘spot on’ and why wouldn’t they be. It still never ceases to amaze me still that our experiences are exactly the same, with varying degrees of quirks of personality. I seriously had NO idea of this till I came here. Thank U.
Hope the anger period has subsided and you ve got bk into yr stride.
Totally with Trailmix when she explains the anger can flip you out of rumination, that’s a good description of what it’s good for as it really does that for Me & I tried to suppress it, I won’t now!
And Agree with Hawkeye on the daily contact...I made that mistake for too long & it’s def held Me back. But your way ahead of me Daze & your having a normal moment of anger.
Hope the Whales were uplifting!
xxx
Hope the anger period has subsided and you ve got bk into yr stride.
Totally with Trailmix when she explains the anger can flip you out of rumination, that’s a good description of what it’s good for as it really does that for Me & I tried to suppress it, I won’t now!
And Agree with Hawkeye on the daily contact...I made that mistake for too long & it’s def held Me back. But your way ahead of me Daze & your having a normal moment of anger.
Hope the Whales were uplifting!
xxx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
Daze, I completely lost my s*¥t at my computer last weekend because a program wouldn't load. Ugly crying, yelling etc. I have sat with my anger ever since (our counsellors must have trained together!) and can make sense of what i was feeling at the time. It was not about the computer program of course. Some days it feels like 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Its not, but even if it was, it would still be forward overall.
Vitamin sea...enjoy.
Vitamin sea...enjoy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by Wombaticus
Daze, I completely lost my s*¥t at my computer last weekend because a program wouldn't load. Ugly crying, yelling etc. I have sat with my anger ever since (our counsellors must have trained together!) and can make sense of what i was feeling at the time. It was not about the computer program of course. Some days it feels like 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Its not, but even if it was, it would still be forward overall.
Vitamin sea...enjoy.
Vitamin sea...enjoy.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
Yes, excellent post W. I shattered ny favorite coffee bowl against a redwood years ago when angry about an X. I’ve long forgotten him but still remember and regret the loss of that beautiful white bone china bowl.
I spent a few years in Berkeley Oakland DC so know what you mean about the sea south of the bay. Big Sur is magic. What about getting a job and moving? Is it possible? I’m thinking about this when I retire as well.
I spent a few years in Berkeley Oakland DC so know what you mean about the sea south of the bay. Big Sur is magic. What about getting a job and moving? Is it possible? I’m thinking about this when I retire as well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Yes, excellent post W. I shattered ny favorite coffee bowl against a redwood years ago when angry about an X. I’ve long forgotten him but still remember and regret the loss of that beautiful white bone china bowl.
I spent a few years in Berkeley Oakland DC so know what you mean about the sea south of the bay. Big Sur is magic. What about getting a job and moving? Is it possible? I’m thinking about this when I retire as well.
I spent a few years in Berkeley Oakland DC so know what you mean about the sea south of the bay. Big Sur is magic. What about getting a job and moving? Is it possible? I’m thinking about this when I retire as well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
How are you doing DC?
Coming back to an empty house may be difficult.
Be gentle with yourself.
Also make sure you are secure with locks and garage door codes, etc.
Your space is now sacred to you unless you deliberately invite someone in. . .
Coming back to an empty house may be difficult.
Be gentle with yourself.
Also make sure you are secure with locks and garage door codes, etc.
Your space is now sacred to you unless you deliberately invite someone in. . .
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
How are you doing DC?
Coming back to an empty house may be difficult.
Be gentle with yourself.
Also make sure you are secure with locks and garage door codes, etc.
Your space is now sacred to you unless you deliberately invite someone in. . .
Coming back to an empty house may be difficult.
Be gentle with yourself.
Also make sure you are secure with locks and garage door codes, etc.
Your space is now sacred to you unless you deliberately invite someone in. . .
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it doesn't hurt to be in a place that it is easy to be happy to get some good practice in. if i'm gonna plan to run the NY marathon, i'm gonna start by practicing doing a couple laps around my neighborhood.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
