Maybe it was me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Maybe it was me
hi all, I’m still away and doing a lot of meditation and being alone. I’m finding being alone forces me to center myself. Sometimes my mind is like a hamster cage! Letting go is hard...of many things. I’m working on complete honesty and authenticity in all my dealings with other humans and even tho right now those interactions are sparse, I find them to be very rewarding and emotionally satisfying because they are real. I went blonde! New hair don’t care? But I still care and I own it. I’m just trying to move tgat caring more into my own direction than others to the point of being a controlling know it all. AH is still sober. He is in touch with me and his conversations are a bit guarded, but more open to seeing me as a real person with feelings and perspectives. He is working his program with meditation and going to rehab meetings at night after his work. I enjoy our talks; I’m brutally honest with him in a kind way and he is more accepting of my POV than ever. He actually listens and will admit to his POV about me being wrong or skewed after we talk. He has always been my best friend, and thus space and time has been a great reminder of who we each are separately. God, were we enmeshed! Ugh. It’s exhausting just thinking about it. I am still very wobbly emotionally and I don’t know if I will ever be the same again. But perhaps like a diamond the pressure will help me shine into a new person that I love. I’m loving the woman I’m becoming. I’m more thoughtful, quiet, and easier to be around. What a controlling hot mess I was! AH is taking a day at a time he says and said to me, in the end it’s really all about people and relationships. Recovery he says is individual but also inter personal and he wants to stand tall as he says and remedy any damage. That’s his side. As for me I’m still confused and unsure about so many things. But I feel better, lost some weight, the beach air is doing wonders for me. I don’t know where all this is going but I am enjoying not being responsible for anyone but me. Hugs to you all. ❤️
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Your post made me cry. I am so glad you and your husband are managing to communicate now. What a journey to get there but you are on the journey and both of you have made wonderful progress.
I'm sure there is still a long way to go and neither of you really know where you are going but it's definitely better than the place you have come from.
Love and strength to you.
I'm sure there is still a long way to go and neither of you really know where you are going but it's definitely better than the place you have come from.
Love and strength to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by Amaranth 
Your post made me cry. I am so glad you and your husband are managing to communicate now. What a journey to get there but you are on the journey and both of you have made wonderful progress.
I'm sure there is still a long way to go and neither of you really know where you are going but it's definitely better than the place you have come from.
Love and strength to you.
I'm sure there is still a long way to go and neither of you really know where you are going but it's definitely better than the place you have come from.
Love and strength to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Dazedandconfus,
I'm glad you are looking after your self and loving the women you are becoming on your own. Just keep putting your self first. Try and let your mind be like a hamster ball and not a cage. That way it can move around and find new things to bring it joy and knowledge but still have your boundaries to keep you safe. It sound like you are making great strides in helping yourself. It also sounds like your husband is trying. It a long journey for the both of you. Keep it up and we are here for you if you need to post or talk.
I'm glad you are looking after your self and loving the women you are becoming on your own. Just keep putting your self first. Try and let your mind be like a hamster ball and not a cage. That way it can move around and find new things to bring it joy and knowledge but still have your boundaries to keep you safe. It sound like you are making great strides in helping yourself. It also sounds like your husband is trying. It a long journey for the both of you. Keep it up and we are here for you if you need to post or talk.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
You are at the beach, taking time for yourself, you went blond and you are losing weight.
Where is this magical place and how do I get there!! Although I did go blond once and it was just scary!
In the inventory you did a little while ago you mentioned:
You pointed out a lot of controlling behaviours and noted where you think they originated, that's pretty huge.
By setting everyone else free you are setting yourself free, that's also pretty huge!
One thing to remember though, perhaps, in this situation. Proceed with caution! Your AH is not very far away from active addiction. Protect yourself. I think perhaps you have been hurt enough?
Time, distance, healing. Whatever you decide to do, please give yourself some time. You are on a great path and you deserve some peace, quiet and contentment and putting yourself at the forefront.
Where is this magical place and how do I get there!! Although I did go blond once and it was just scary!
In the inventory you did a little while ago you mentioned:
"I lied to myself thinking I could mold AH into the man I wanted, not who he is. How cruel that was. And now that he is being authentic, I don’t like what it takes to be real because it doesn’t fit into my white picket fence Disneyland world. Deception wrong #7".
By setting everyone else free you are setting yourself free, that's also pretty huge!
One thing to remember though, perhaps, in this situation. Proceed with caution! Your AH is not very far away from active addiction. Protect yourself. I think perhaps you have been hurt enough?
Time, distance, healing. Whatever you decide to do, please give yourself some time. You are on a great path and you deserve some peace, quiet and contentment and putting yourself at the forefront.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by ironwill
Dazedandconfus,
I'm glad you are looking after your self and loving the women you are becoming on your own. Just keep putting your self first. Try and let your mind be like a hamster ball and not a cage. That way it can move around and find new things to bring it joy and knowledge but still have your boundaries to keep you safe. It sound like you are making great strides in helping yourself. It also sounds like your husband is trying. It a long journey for the both of you. Keep it up and we are here for you if you need to post or talk.
I'm glad you are looking after your self and loving the women you are becoming on your own. Just keep putting your self first. Try and let your mind be like a hamster ball and not a cage. That way it can move around and find new things to bring it joy and knowledge but still have your boundaries to keep you safe. It sound like you are making great strides in helping yourself. It also sounds like your husband is trying. It a long journey for the both of you. Keep it up and we are here for you if you need to post or talk.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by trailmix
You are at the beach, taking time for yourself, you went blond and you are losing weight.
Where is this magical place and how do I get there!! Although I did go blond once and it was just scary!
In the inventory you did a little while ago you mentioned:
You pointed out a lot of controlling behaviours and noted where you think they originated, that's pretty huge.
By setting everyone else free you are setting yourself free, that's also pretty huge!
One thing to remember though, perhaps, in this situation. Proceed with caution! Your AH is not very far away from active addiction. Protect yourself. I think perhaps you have been hurt enough?
Time, distance, healing. Whatever you decide to do, please give yourself some time. You are on a great path and you deserve some peace, quiet and contentment and putting yourself at the forefront.
Where is this magical place and how do I get there!! Although I did go blond once and it was just scary!
In the inventory you did a little while ago you mentioned:
You pointed out a lot of controlling behaviours and noted where you think they originated, that's pretty huge.
By setting everyone else free you are setting yourself free, that's also pretty huge!
One thing to remember though, perhaps, in this situation. Proceed with caution! Your AH is not very far away from active addiction. Protect yourself. I think perhaps you have been hurt enough?
Time, distance, healing. Whatever you decide to do, please give yourself some time. You are on a great path and you deserve some peace, quiet and contentment and putting yourself at the forefront.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
What I had to do was let go of expectations in order to have happy relationships. When I found myself projecting I simply stopped and got grounded in today. I hope you can too.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Dazedandconfus,
It sounds like you are in a happy place right now. Which is a great place for you right now. Your focus is on you and your recovery with just the acknowledgement of your AH. You are making great choices for yourself and feeling what your heart needs for you to be happy. You will never be lonely, your will always have your SR friends here for you. I wish for your a beautiful day and let the hamster ball take you far.
It sounds like you are in a happy place right now. Which is a great place for you right now. Your focus is on you and your recovery with just the acknowledgement of your AH. You are making great choices for yourself and feeling what your heart needs for you to be happy. You will never be lonely, your will always have your SR friends here for you. I wish for your a beautiful day and let the hamster ball take you far.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by ironwill
Dazedandconfus,
It sounds like you are in a happy place right now. Which is a great place for you right now. Your focus is on you and your recovery with just the acknowledgement of your AH. You are making great choices for yourself and feeling what your heart needs for you to be happy. You will never be lonely, your will always have your SR friends here for you. I wish for your a beautiful day and let the hamster ball take you far.
It sounds like you are in a happy place right now. Which is a great place for you right now. Your focus is on you and your recovery with just the acknowledgement of your AH. You are making great choices for yourself and feeling what your heart needs for you to be happy. You will never be lonely, your will always have your SR friends here for you. I wish for your a beautiful day and let the hamster ball take you far.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by Healingbegins
I love this! You are inspiring!!!! I hope you have a great day and a great journey! 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Originally Posted by Dazedandconfus
it feels great that I’m referred to as inspiring! If you read my prior posts from a month ago you’ll find a hot hurting mess. Any inspiration I have I am giving away...that which I received from the fine people here at SR. Thank you so much
I'm proud of you Dazed, you've come a very long way in a very short (relatively speaking) amount of time. You are a much quicker learner than I was! I'm glad you have chosen to stick around and share that experience. You never know who might be reading in the shadows and gaining their own strength because they've followed along with you on your journey.
*hugs*
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
That's why so many of us are still here, even years after the pain that brought us here. I know for me, the "giving back" is an important part of my own recovery from codependence. It can be very upsetting (even triggering sometimes) when people show up here, shattered and scared.... but when you get to see them transform as they gain back their strength and sense of self, it's an amazing thing to watch and be a small part of. And honestly, I'm still learning and growing because of my involvement here. (Very grateful to be doing that now while NOT in crisis any longer!)
I'm proud of you Dazed, you've come a very long way in a very short (relatively speaking) amount of time. You are a much quicker learner than I was! I'm glad you have chosen to stick around and share that experience. You never know who might be reading in the shadows and gaining their own strength because they've followed along with you on your journey.
*hugs*
I'm proud of you Dazed, you've come a very long way in a very short (relatively speaking) amount of time. You are a much quicker learner than I was! I'm glad you have chosen to stick around and share that experience. You never know who might be reading in the shadows and gaining their own strength because they've followed along with you on your journey.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: England U.K.
Posts: 62
Daze&Confuse..
I am in awe of yr journey...I feel you have totally Walked the Walk in such a short time and think your journey should be written down as a ‘step by step guide’.
You have been, angry, emotional, hurt & completely honest & brave...and it was a privilege & inspirational to read.
I hope you don’t mind but I have you as a bookmark in my head if I’m in doubt (which is often lol!) ...’What would Daze Do.’
Many many thanks for your Intel and hope u enjoy yr month on the Coast
xxx
I am in awe of yr journey...I feel you have totally Walked the Walk in such a short time and think your journey should be written down as a ‘step by step guide’.
You have been, angry, emotional, hurt & completely honest & brave...and it was a privilege & inspirational to read.
I hope you don’t mind but I have you as a bookmark in my head if I’m in doubt (which is often lol!) ...’What would Daze Do.’
Many many thanks for your Intel and hope u enjoy yr month on the Coast
xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by Noodler
Daze&Confuse..
I am in awe of yr journey...I feel you have totally Walked the Walk in such a short time and think your journey should be written down as a ‘step by step guide’.
You have been, angry, emotional, hurt & completely honest & brave...and it was a privilege & inspirational to read.
I hope you don’t mind but I have you as a bookmark in my head if I’m in doubt (which is often lol!) ...’What would Daze Do.’
Many many thanks for your Intel and hope u enjoy yr month on the Coast
xxx
I am in awe of yr journey...I feel you have totally Walked the Walk in such a short time and think your journey should be written down as a ‘step by step guide’.
You have been, angry, emotional, hurt & completely honest & brave...and it was a privilege & inspirational to read.
I hope you don’t mind but I have you as a bookmark in my head if I’m in doubt (which is often lol!) ...’What would Daze Do.’
Many many thanks for your Intel and hope u enjoy yr month on the Coast
xxx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: England U.K.
Posts: 62
Wow...I see exactly what you mean, I’m not stopping & looking & seeing. I’m still to busy coping & controlling with the fall out. But I have no excuse I have that time & space now. How you explained the the ‘tyre story’ is exactly how I envisaged yr journey. When you were in doubt, confusion or turmoil and the wise people in SR guided you, you listened, processed it and actioned it almost immediately. You seemed to go from A to B to C just like your 111 numerals. THAT for me was also a lesson in Trust of what you were hearing and the road to the single mindedness we need in these early stages.
So there u go Daze I’m going to stop & look now & learn about patterns & Trust myself that I can do this on my own.
Thank u for that in sight....it helps.
❤️
xxx
So there u go Daze I’m going to stop & look now & learn about patterns & Trust myself that I can do this on my own.
Thank u for that in sight....it helps.
❤️
xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by Noodler
Wow...I see exactly what you mean, I’m not stopping & looking & seeing. I’m still to busy coping & controlling with the fall out. But I have no excuse I have that time & space now. How you explained the the ‘tyre story’ is exactly how I envisaged yr journey. When you were in doubt, confusion or turmoil and the wise people in SR guided you, you listened, processed it and actioned it almost immediately. You seemed to go from A to B to C just like your 111 numerals. THAT for me was also a lesson in Trust of what you were hearing and the road to the single mindedness we need in these early stages.
So there u go Daze I’m going to stop & look now & learn about patterns & Trust myself that I can do this on my own.
Thank u for that in sight....it helps.
❤️
xxx
So there u go Daze I’m going to stop & look now & learn about patterns & Trust myself that I can do this on my own.
Thank u for that in sight....it helps.
❤️
xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by Noodler
Wow...I see exactly what you mean, I’m not stopping & looking & seeing. I’m still to busy coping & controlling with the fall out. But I have no excuse I have that time & space now. How you explained the the ‘tyre story’ is exactly how I envisaged yr journey. When you were in doubt, confusion or turmoil and the wise people in SR guided you, you listened, processed it and actioned it almost immediately. You seemed to go from A to B to C just like your 111 numerals. THAT for me was also a lesson in Trust of what you were hearing and the road to the single mindedness we need in these early stages.
So there u go Daze I’m going to stop & look now & learn about patterns & Trust myself that I can do this on my own.
Thank u for that in sight....it helps.
❤️
xxx
So there u go Daze I’m going to stop & look now & learn about patterns & Trust myself that I can do this on my own.
Thank u for that in sight....it helps.
❤️
xxx
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
