Teehee

Aries, yes, I've been careful to delete the DV phone number. As goofy as this may seem, I'm not ready to share with my family what is going one. No one believed me when my marriage for 20+ years to my ex ah dissolved because of his alcoholism, gaslighting, sexual abuse, and cheating with strippers. My OWN family did not treat me well because they loved my ex -- heck, anyone who meets my ex loves him!
I'm just not ready to share another failed marriage. My family is all I have to turn to because I sold my home so that my husband and I could out right own this home without a mortgage.

Anvil, yes, his ex is a homeless meth head. Last year she shared a picture of herself and her fiance (also a meth head) having Thanksgiving dinner at a shelter and the photo was obvious they were both higher than a kite.

trailmix

Just curious. When you ended your marriage you told them the cold hard facts. Was that an ongoing conversation you had with them over the years or was that a "secret" kept to the confines of the living hell?

Many people don't share what is going on behind the closed front door of their household, so it can come as a shock to other family members when all is revealed eventually.

No excuses there but people who don't know about alcoholism and/or abuse sometimes just can't GET it. It's cognitive dissonance to a degree - what they see and experience is the polar opposite of what you are telling them. Ideally they would say, she told us that, that's true, let's rally behind her! But, what they see and what the facts are are two entirely different things and sometimes it takes a while for someone to wrap their head around it.

If you presented your family as happy and good and him along with it, they WANT/wanted to believe that.

Teehee

It was a secret. No one knew, not even his own family. I know it was a shock, but MY family should have believed me. However, my sister DID know. She didn't discourage me, but she wasn't all that supportive either, even tho my ex had confided in her husband that when our children had grown he was planning on leaving me. This coming from a sister who lived 7 years with an addict and abuser.
My dad, who finally kinda got it, still didn't really get it. To him, alcoholism is just something you stop like a bad habit, or grow out of it, even tho he has two brothers who are alcoholics.

Now, I just feel like that girl that always has drama follow her where ever she goes. I'm disappointed and my family will be too with some of that disappointment being in me. I am not ready for that; things are bad enough right now without my dad yelling at me or my sister responding to me with indifference.

Bekindalways

Well all the boys and girls here get the collecting drama thing. Not fun. Specially not fun when you inadvertently go back for a second dose . . . sigh. Many of us get that too.

Just keep taking that next right step the best you know how to.

trailmix

100 percent yes to this, absolutely and unequivocally I agree with you.

Even with the possibilities of "why", even though the family dynamic is askew to some degree - those are not excuses.

I agree with you, I wouldn't tell them either at this point. There is no support there. Perhaps the only thing to keep in mind at this point is that if you need their help, they will be there. If you have to grab a flight or a bus one day to get out of there and head "home" - so be it. Other than that, yes, I wouldn't involve them, it won't help you right now.

trailmix

I hope you won't be too hard on yourself.

I haven't always made the wisest choices with relationships either but the drama thing never occurred to me. Isn't our perception of things interesting.

To me it just "is".

Bekindalways

In not telling your family, you are very much taking care of yourself as you know that they probably won't be supportive. Good call on your part.

Dazedandconfus

thequest

The chemicals/alcohol case are not creating thoughts or motivating specific behavior. This is how the A normally is-controlling, impatient and/or a bully. They treat you like an employee who must answer to them. I've experienced 'the list' on more than one occasion. The chemicals and/or alcohol basically lower impulse control or lower inhibition-this stuff/the list of questions normally runs through their mind as does their expectation you'll take care of it.

Teehee

Thanks for all the comments and serious foody stuff for thought. I'm trying to keep a low profile with him and act as if all is normal and back on track. It's so hard to do when I feel so hurt by his behavior and actions. Also, I'm mad, offended, and hurt that I have to resort to asking people and the DV hotline, "am I being abused"? How pathetic things have gotten this low. I wonder if he is even truly able to feel love or empathy for another person other than himself. I know, that was really mean, but I honestly wonder sometimes when he looks at me, talks to me, and now threatens me the way he has.
It's all the same vomit. I want to move on either together because he seeks help and changes (I know, thats a long shot), or we go our separate ways.

tomsteve

youve mentioned AA and the big book. heres a passage from it- the chapter,"to wives":
There is an important exception to the foregoing. We realize some men are thoroughly bad-intentioned, that no amount of patience will make any difference. An alcoholic of this temperament may be quick to use this chapter as a club over your head. Don't let him get away with it. If you are positive he is one of this type you may feel you had better leave. Is it right to let him ruin your life and the lives of your children? Especially when he has before him a way to stop his drinking and abuse if he really wants to pay the price.

dandylion

Teehee.....this has been with him for a long time...before he met you and his first wife.....it is baked in the cake.....
I wouldn't look to him changing.....
and, this occurring after being married only a few short months is a very dire sign, I believe....
No one who truly knows the situation is judging you...worry about your own welfare...not what you think that other people might think....none of those people live in your skin....and,they are not there to comfort you or hold your hand, in the middle of the night....
Don't stick in a bad situation just because of how "it might look".....
Take care of yourself!

trailmix

I think what tomstever just posted is very accurate (of course).

You know teehee, if there is anything at all that in any way, shape or form that is good in any of this, it is that you did remove yourself from an alcoholic marriage.

What you are in right now is really no different. So you know you have the courage, you know what recovery should look like, from your research (this isn't it) and you know what you can endure and what you are not willing to sacrifice.

Draw on that wisdom.

No. Not in a way you understand it. If he feels empathy at all it's not like you do, or sympathy or love. Above all if he has those feelings, they are probably for himself, not for you, as in he feels bad for himself, he needs to vent those feelings, you are the recipient, nothing more. He NEEDS this, imagine if he didn't have you to vent that on. Where can he put that energy? Inward? Probably.

None of this, except for the fact that you are the recipient, is about you.

What you said is not mean by the way. You aren't mean, nothing you are doing is mean.

What you are doing is trying to protect yourself. What's mean about that? What you said is worth asking and answering, what's mean about that?

Michsm

I hope you are not staying because you don't want 2 failed marriages. I stayed way too long in an awful marriage due to the perception of failing but I finally realized I was miserable in the marriage and keeping a facade was not working for me. There are plenty of people in the world married multiple times...Larry King married 8 times, Jennifer Aniston married 2 or 3. You are being emotionally abused, in my opinion, and you deserve so much better. I hope you have the strength to leave as this may escalate.

Sasha1972

I beg to differ.

"Great dads" show respect for women and don't demean them or put them down all the time, ESPECIALLY in front of their daughters. She may well love her dad, but he is not a good parent.

I'm going to go out on a limb here (because this sounds a bit like the relationship my kid had with her [alcoholic, mentally ill] father, minus the mom-on-meth part): when daughter grows up and starts becoming a young woman rather than a cute child, he's going to turn on her. He "never speaks to her the way he will [you]"? Add the word "yet" to that sentence. She is going to be targeted for the same manipulation, insults, and verbal abuse that you're getting. This is because he has a not-so-little grain of misogyny which feeds his abusive tendencies and addictions. And it's going to be worse for her because as a young person she won't have the perspective or wisdom that you have, she will be convinced that everything is her fault because otherwise why would her loving Super-Dad be so angry with her? She will either kick back and rebel (bad in the short run, good in the long run) or her spirit will be broken (the reverse).

This was the dynamic my ex had with Kid - he spoiled her, bought her all kinds of things she didn't actually want or need, and indoctrinated her with the idea that he was all she had in the world. She was starting to push back at the manipulation at the time he died - starting to become evasive and avoidant - and I could see as clear as daylight where this was heading as he started to get frustrated with her. With his death, I'm hopeful she can re-learn her attachments to the adults in her life.

I'm going to guess that he had a terrible relationship with his mother, harbors a pile of anger at her, and takes it out on any women that are close to him and don't knuckle under.

trailmix

Or he had a great Mother and the Father was controlling and/or an alcoholic but also a misogynist, although your Husband wont identify him that way probably.

Yes, you can't be a great Father and a controlling misogynist.

LovePeaceSushi

My ex was (IS) definitely a misogynist. Huge resentments towards his mother turned into disdain for all women. Daughter is 16 now and thankfully she sees it. That order of protection last year, combined with the therapy she had, really allowed her to step back and see the dynamic. (Plus, I think the therapist, a neutral 3rd party) validated her. Daughter says he's always going off on road rage tantrums with her in the car, calling women the c-word. He's hateful to his new wife....telling her she's a fat c-word. (C-word is his favorite word. 1st wife was a dumb c, I was a worthless c, and now new wife is a fat c)

Daughter says that as soon as she turns 18 and is no longer under the parenting plan, she is going to cut him out of her life.

AnvilheadII

Daughter says that as soon as she turns 18 and is no longer under the parenting plan, she is going to cut him out of her life.

i think this really bears repeating and something for all parents considering custody/parenting plans to take to heart. never forget that the CHILDREN become "hostage" to whatever parenting plan is decided. often there is such a strong desire to "protect" the other (damaged, sick, inept) parent's RIGHTS, that the consequences for the CHILD gets a bit overlooked.

please dear LPS, i am not throwing shade at you!!! your daughter's words really struck a cord with me.

even the courts play too "fair" with parents who really shouldn't be allowed to have a house plant, have a history of poor behavior, erratic, inconsistent, even dangerous. it's abhorrent in many cases..........

AnvilheadII

chord.....not cord. sheesh. i CAN spell.

LovePeaceSushi

I agree, Anvil. My parenting plan was written when DD was 3. And while I suppose it could have been amended last year when things came to a bright light, it would have meant more trauma for DD and more money than the $30K I'd already spent on the atty.

So....even though this does not apply to you, Teehee, it will forever be my opinion for parents to seek the firmest/strictest parameters on the front end of the divorce for the children. So easy to loosen up later if the situation warrants, but costly, difficult, and stressful to get tough after the fact!