Feeling like all hope is gone
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 62
Feeling like all hope is gone
I feel like I'm crying in my cheerios this morning, but really, I have been crying all morning. I am feeling dejected, is that even a word? 
I am at my last rope. AH has been hiding alcohol again. All of this after he got on a new medication for his "depression". This med was supposed to help him feel better so he wouldn't be depressed, therefore wouldn't drink. Worked for exactly one week. Now I'm finding alcohol hidden and he always looks and acts drunk. He told me this morning its my fault because I work too much. Yes, I have a second job at the moment to pay medical bills and a second mortgage that we have. I can't make him see that he doesn't have to drink just because I am gone a little more. Honestly, I took the 2nd job so he could get his head together, hoping to save our marriage. All he spends that time doing is drinking. He's getting out of control. I distance myself, he won't leave me alone. Why???? Why will they not just leave???? You are supposedly the cause of all of their problems but yet they stay and try to make your life hell. That can't just be the alcohol. I truly think even if I were to leave he would still not leave me alone. That happened 2 years ago because he was sneaking with another woman behind my back, I kicked him out, he continued drinking, but still watched my house, text non stop, called non stop, dropped in drunk or not. Today I just feel like I"m losing it. Am I? I'm beginning to think there will never be a way out. He will never change and I can never fully get away. Ugh. Sorry for the rant, I just need to get it out to people who understand.
I am at my last rope. AH has been hiding alcohol again. All of this after he got on a new medication for his "depression". This med was supposed to help him feel better so he wouldn't be depressed, therefore wouldn't drink. Worked for exactly one week. Now I'm finding alcohol hidden and he always looks and acts drunk. He told me this morning its my fault because I work too much. Yes, I have a second job at the moment to pay medical bills and a second mortgage that we have. I can't make him see that he doesn't have to drink just because I am gone a little more. Honestly, I took the 2nd job so he could get his head together, hoping to save our marriage. All he spends that time doing is drinking. He's getting out of control. I distance myself, he won't leave me alone. Why???? Why will they not just leave???? You are supposedly the cause of all of their problems but yet they stay and try to make your life hell. That can't just be the alcohol. I truly think even if I were to leave he would still not leave me alone. That happened 2 years ago because he was sneaking with another woman behind my back, I kicked him out, he continued drinking, but still watched my house, text non stop, called non stop, dropped in drunk or not. Today I just feel like I"m losing it. Am I? I'm beginning to think there will never be a way out. He will never change and I can never fully get away. Ugh. Sorry for the rant, I just need to get it out to people who understand.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so sorry you are going through this. So, he has shown you his plan, which is to drink. Only you can decide if you can live with that. You are not his babysitter. He is a big boy and makes his own decisions.
He will do what you will allow. If he stopped by before when you kicked him out, what did you do? Call the police if he is trespassing. I know that sounds like a lot, but the thing is, people do not heal unless they are able to go no contact, or almost no contact if they have children together.
I am so sorry. Take this time to calm down. Get yourself together. Make a list of your goals in life and decide if you can be that person with him as he is now, because he is showing you his true self. He will make excuses, but that's all they are.
Big hugs.
He will do what you will allow. If he stopped by before when you kicked him out, what did you do? Call the police if he is trespassing. I know that sounds like a lot, but the thing is, people do not heal unless they are able to go no contact, or almost no contact if they have children together.
I am so sorry. Take this time to calm down. Get yourself together. Make a list of your goals in life and decide if you can be that person with him as he is now, because he is showing you his true self. He will make excuses, but that's all they are.
Big hugs.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
First of all, try to take a deep breath, yes?
Second, and I’m putting this in caps because I really hope you will hear it,
HE DRINKS BECAUSE HE IS ADDICTED TO ALCOHOL.
IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU OR ANYTHING YOU DO OR DON’T DO.
You took another job to try to keep your lives afloat financially,..and he’s using that as an excuse and blaming you?
No. Just really, really no.
You took him back after he cheated on you and this is how he treats you?
No. Just really, really no.
He won’t leave because it’s a cushy place for his addiction to live. You’re paying the bills and doing the adult stuff AND you’re taking the blame for his behavior while he sits around drinking and being a victim. It’s ideal, really, now that his conscience and sense of responsibility are gone, thanks to alcohol,
Oh, and he’s depressed because he’s ingesting large quantities of a drug that is a known depressant.
He is not going to change. Now...what do YOU want for YOUR one precious life?
Sending you a big fierce hug.
Second, and I’m putting this in caps because I really hope you will hear it,
HE DRINKS BECAUSE HE IS ADDICTED TO ALCOHOL.
IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU OR ANYTHING YOU DO OR DON’T DO.
You took another job to try to keep your lives afloat financially,..and he’s using that as an excuse and blaming you?
No. Just really, really no.
You took him back after he cheated on you and this is how he treats you?
No. Just really, really no.
He won’t leave because it’s a cushy place for his addiction to live. You’re paying the bills and doing the adult stuff AND you’re taking the blame for his behavior while he sits around drinking and being a victim. It’s ideal, really, now that his conscience and sense of responsibility are gone, thanks to alcohol,
Oh, and he’s depressed because he’s ingesting large quantities of a drug that is a known depressant.
He is not going to change. Now...what do YOU want for YOUR one precious life?
Sending you a big fierce hug.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Healingbegins, I am sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed right now. I remember feeling the same way, with the weight of the world on my chest. Breathe! Deep breaths!
I shared a similar experience with my AXH and depression. The meds take longer then a week to start working and they don't work adequately if they continue to drink. The drinking and the depression go hand in hand, round and round. They are depressed so they drink, which depresses them so they drink some more. Vicious.
My very first boundary was " I will not engage with him when he has been drinking".... that meant I would not have conversations, I would not cry, plead, yell, argue, joke, laugh or in any way interact with him other than to answer directly to simple questions with simple answers only. It was not easy at first and it took a lot of practice.
He did not like that boundary. While he was never physically violent with me, he would sometimes get intimidating. He towered over me by a foot and was about 100lbs heavier... he would get close and look down on me, trying to get me to engage..or sit so close he was pressed against me looking at my face trying to get a response. I'd tell him, " you are intimidating me back up"...or I would remove myself from the room.... If he really kept at me, I would also say things like, " I wont talk about _"this-whatever-it-was"_ with you when you have been drinking" and I'd keep repeating it as long as he would keep trying. He absolutely hated me refusing to engage. It took away his power over the situation(and me) and empowered me to be in charge of what I would and would not tolerate.
I think the writing down a list of what you want in life is a good idea. Write down even the crazy outrageous stuff. When you look at the list, you will see that some of the things on the list are actually attainable. Strive for those things.
Write another list of all the things you don't want in your life. You can decide what you want to do with the info that provides you. The top thing I didn't want in my life any more was anxiety. I found a way to get rid of it. Not gonna lie and say it was easy.
Slow down the spinning in your head and your heart rate will calm down too. Breathe lots of deep breaths. And I mean a lot of deep belly breaths. Your brain is dumping too much adrenaline and cortisol into your blood stream and putting you into a fight or flight response... this makes us take shallow breaths. If you take deep, deep breaths your body can come out of that fight or flight reaction.
You can not fix him... that does not mean you have to put up with him.
You can fix your personal situation regardless of the bad choices he makes.
Breathe!... and please keep talking to us.
I shared a similar experience with my AXH and depression. The meds take longer then a week to start working and they don't work adequately if they continue to drink. The drinking and the depression go hand in hand, round and round. They are depressed so they drink, which depresses them so they drink some more. Vicious.
My very first boundary was " I will not engage with him when he has been drinking".... that meant I would not have conversations, I would not cry, plead, yell, argue, joke, laugh or in any way interact with him other than to answer directly to simple questions with simple answers only. It was not easy at first and it took a lot of practice.
He did not like that boundary. While he was never physically violent with me, he would sometimes get intimidating. He towered over me by a foot and was about 100lbs heavier... he would get close and look down on me, trying to get me to engage..or sit so close he was pressed against me looking at my face trying to get a response. I'd tell him, " you are intimidating me back up"...or I would remove myself from the room.... If he really kept at me, I would also say things like, " I wont talk about _"this-whatever-it-was"_ with you when you have been drinking" and I'd keep repeating it as long as he would keep trying. He absolutely hated me refusing to engage. It took away his power over the situation(and me) and empowered me to be in charge of what I would and would not tolerate.
I think the writing down a list of what you want in life is a good idea. Write down even the crazy outrageous stuff. When you look at the list, you will see that some of the things on the list are actually attainable. Strive for those things.
Write another list of all the things you don't want in your life. You can decide what you want to do with the info that provides you. The top thing I didn't want in my life any more was anxiety. I found a way to get rid of it. Not gonna lie and say it was easy.
Slow down the spinning in your head and your heart rate will calm down too. Breathe lots of deep breaths. And I mean a lot of deep belly breaths. Your brain is dumping too much adrenaline and cortisol into your blood stream and putting you into a fight or flight response... this makes us take shallow breaths. If you take deep, deep breaths your body can come out of that fight or flight reaction.
You can not fix him... that does not mean you have to put up with him.
You can fix your personal situation regardless of the bad choices he makes.
Breathe!... and please keep talking to us.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Healingbegins. Dont feel sorry about the rant. It helps to get it out and talk to others about it. Keeping it in just makes it worse. Everybody is correct about taking a deep breath. It will help calm you down and get your mind more focused on what needs to be done.
Your AH needs help and only he can fix himself. There is nothing you can do to change him. The Alcohol has him. You have been a good wife to try and keep everything afloat, but it's not fair to you to be treated this way. I know it hard when you love someone, you want to forgive them and move on. Until he admits he has a problem the cycle will just continue.
Your AH needs help and only he can fix himself. There is nothing you can do to change him. The Alcohol has him. You have been a good wife to try and keep everything afloat, but it's not fair to you to be treated this way. I know it hard when you love someone, you want to forgive them and move on. Until he admits he has a problem the cycle will just continue.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
What a terrible situation, truly.
Is it time for you to leave? Why are you still there? I know you have asked yourself these questions over and over.
So maybe today is the day to start answering yourself.
He is going to do whatever he is going to do and what he is doing is not acceptable to you. He's not changing, you are miserable. What are your options?
You probably know deep down that none of this works? You can't make him see this because he doesn't want to and it doesn't make any sense anyway. People go to work every day and lots of people aren't grabbing whiskey. They watch tv or mop the floor or go sit out by the fire pit (all without a drink), that's normal, this is not normal.
Taking or not taking a second job isn't going to save your marriage just as it won't get him sober. You can jump through lots of hoops, won't make one iota of difference.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it.
He needs help for sure, you can't be that help. Don't ever let him tell you that (and accept it). You didn't "make" him in to an alcoholic and you can't fix this.
Is it time for you to leave? Why are you still there? I know you have asked yourself these questions over and over.
So maybe today is the day to start answering yourself.
He is going to do whatever he is going to do and what he is doing is not acceptable to you. He's not changing, you are miserable. What are your options?
I can't make him see that he doesn't have to drink just because I am gone a little more. Honestly, I took the 2nd job so he could get his head together, hoping to save our marriage.
Taking or not taking a second job isn't going to save your marriage just as it won't get him sober. You can jump through lots of hoops, won't make one iota of difference.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it.
He needs help for sure, you can't be that help. Don't ever let him tell you that (and accept it). You didn't "make" him in to an alcoholic and you can't fix this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 62
Thank you all! I have calmed down some. You all have no idea how much you help by responding and letting me read about your lives.
I always think I have it all under control but then a day like today just gets me. I can look at someone elses life and think I know exactly what they need to do...my own is a bit harder. I have to man up and get my strength back. Everything has just been overwhelming lately. Everyday always throws new challenges and its just so hard to keep it all together.
I am going to start that list to remind myself of the ultimate goal. Its just hard coming to the realization that someone won't change when you desperately want them to. But yes, I have a life too and this is really no fun at all.
I did go to the cops a couple years ago. Was told there was nothing they could do. I couldn't even change the locks on my own house because his name was on it too. Ugh.
I am providing a good place for him to keep doing this. I really am. Hes not suffering but me and the kids are. OK, I'm going to toughen up, follow my list, and keep moving forward. Not a bad life, just a bad day and that can be changed.
Thank you all again sooooo much. You have really made me feel like a rational person again.
I always think I have it all under control but then a day like today just gets me. I can look at someone elses life and think I know exactly what they need to do...my own is a bit harder. I have to man up and get my strength back. Everything has just been overwhelming lately. Everyday always throws new challenges and its just so hard to keep it all together.
I am going to start that list to remind myself of the ultimate goal. Its just hard coming to the realization that someone won't change when you desperately want them to. But yes, I have a life too and this is really no fun at all.
I did go to the cops a couple years ago. Was told there was nothing they could do. I couldn't even change the locks on my own house because his name was on it too. Ugh.
I am providing a good place for him to keep doing this. I really am. Hes not suffering but me and the kids are. OK, I'm going to toughen up, follow my list, and keep moving forward. Not a bad life, just a bad day and that can be changed.
Thank you all again sooooo much. You have really made me feel like a rational person again.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Healingbegins…...I can hear that you are very down....grieving, perhaps...?
When you say that all hope is gone.....are you meaning your hope for saving the marriage?
Exactly what do you have hope for?
I just read your post from 4yrs. ago, when you and your daughters were doing your intake for counseling.....counseling for living with an alxoholic, as you phrased it.....
It seems that your husband has continued to dominate the family...if I am reading between the lines, correctly.....?
Healingbegins…..even before you respond to this post....I am going to share with you, that one thing stood out to me from your past posts....that your own father was an alcoholic....
Based on that, I would suggest that you might investigate the group "Adult Children of Alcoholics"......It is sort of like AA or alanon….as support to those who grew up in a house with alcoholism...AND/OR some other kind of dysfunction.....
The children of alcoholics (or from homes with alcohol in it), tend to have some specific issues that they carry into their adult lives and all of their relationships...…
You might google and see if there are any meetings in your area...or online.
LOL...even if you think that I am full of crap....I ask you to still get their literature...their books....and read it....I think a LOT of it will resonate, with you, right now. You can get the literature on amazon.com. There are a lot of their books, on amazon..and, you can read the reviews of them, also.
***This will be particularly important for your daughters, also...as they must be about 15 and 17yrs. old, by now...? They would also be considered "Adult Children of Alcoholics", as they have spent several years of their growing up in a home with an alcoholic parent.
It may not be too late to help your daughters. By the way, they can be affected even if they seem very "successful", thus far.....this stuff can come out in their adult relationships...…
I believe that, with the right kind of support, there is still hope for you and your daughters.....
(there is hope for your husband, but that will be entirely up to him)…..
On amazon, you can google "Adult Children of Alcoholics"....in the book section.....
When you say that all hope is gone.....are you meaning your hope for saving the marriage?
Exactly what do you have hope for?
I just read your post from 4yrs. ago, when you and your daughters were doing your intake for counseling.....counseling for living with an alxoholic, as you phrased it.....
It seems that your husband has continued to dominate the family...if I am reading between the lines, correctly.....?
Healingbegins…..even before you respond to this post....I am going to share with you, that one thing stood out to me from your past posts....that your own father was an alcoholic....
Based on that, I would suggest that you might investigate the group "Adult Children of Alcoholics"......It is sort of like AA or alanon….as support to those who grew up in a house with alcoholism...AND/OR some other kind of dysfunction.....
The children of alcoholics (or from homes with alcohol in it), tend to have some specific issues that they carry into their adult lives and all of their relationships...…
You might google and see if there are any meetings in your area...or online.
LOL...even if you think that I am full of crap....I ask you to still get their literature...their books....and read it....I think a LOT of it will resonate, with you, right now. You can get the literature on amazon.com. There are a lot of their books, on amazon..and, you can read the reviews of them, also.
***This will be particularly important for your daughters, also...as they must be about 15 and 17yrs. old, by now...? They would also be considered "Adult Children of Alcoholics", as they have spent several years of their growing up in a home with an alcoholic parent.
It may not be too late to help your daughters. By the way, they can be affected even if they seem very "successful", thus far.....this stuff can come out in their adult relationships...…
I believe that, with the right kind of support, there is still hope for you and your daughters.....
(there is hope for your husband, but that will be entirely up to him)…..
On amazon, you can google "Adult Children of Alcoholics"....in the book section.....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Living with an alcoholic makes anyone go absolutely crazy! In my opinion, it’s a nightmare. It is a downward spiral of pain and chaos— no surprise living in such an environment makes you begin to see everything in a blurred, depressive way and you can’t see right from wrong, your left from your right.
But like all wise words above... NOT your addiction and honestly, there is NO possible way to save him. It’s NOT your job. Your only job on this planet is to save yourself from hurtful people and to live as happy of a life as you can. I used to cry daily... sometimes all day. It’s such a massive pain living amongst all that.
We are here for you! One day... it is possible to feel happy.
But like all wise words above... NOT your addiction and honestly, there is NO possible way to save him. It’s NOT your job. Your only job on this planet is to save yourself from hurtful people and to live as happy of a life as you can. I used to cry daily... sometimes all day. It’s such a massive pain living amongst all that.
We are here for you! One day... it is possible to feel happy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 62
One of us had to take the 2nd job for the mortgage so I did. He was going through his depression and our renter moved out without telling us. I thought he would take that time to get his head straight. He thought maybe the cardiac problems caused him to be without O2 too long and that's why he was drinking so much. Then the dr told him it was depression so put him on new meds. I can see how silly this is when I type it out and read it back to myself. It is excuses because if any of that was the cause he would be happily sober and I wouldn't be questioning every move I make. But really, he's been doing this for so long and I just keep on going along with it.
Yes, my dad is still an active alcoholic. I love him but thankfully I can leave when he gets to me. I almost typed that I can't with my husband, but actually, yes I can. I really can. Financially it wouldn't be easy. Emotionally, it would be so great.
I don't have a lot of free time lately but I will order that book and look into adult children. I have read some on it and thought, oh, that's not me. But in reality, it probably is. I just need to open up to it. Yes, I worry so much about my kids. Sooo much. I never wanted this life for them but I managed to do it perfectly.
Thank you thank you. He makes me feel like I'm overreacting. Told me last night I was crazy. I guess I am for dealing with this for so long.
You all just gave me renewed strength. I could hug all of you right now if I could.
Yes, my dad is still an active alcoholic. I love him but thankfully I can leave when he gets to me. I almost typed that I can't with my husband, but actually, yes I can. I really can. Financially it wouldn't be easy. Emotionally, it would be so great.
I don't have a lot of free time lately but I will order that book and look into adult children. I have read some on it and thought, oh, that's not me. But in reality, it probably is. I just need to open up to it. Yes, I worry so much about my kids. Sooo much. I never wanted this life for them but I managed to do it perfectly.
Thank you thank you. He makes me feel like I'm overreacting. Told me last night I was crazy. I guess I am for dealing with this for so long.
You all just gave me renewed strength. I could hug all of you right now if I could.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Oh, dear, I didn’t realize you have teen girls witnessing all of this. Yikes.
You don’t want them to repeat this pattern, right? Can you look into Alateen or some other program for children of alcoholics?
Have another hug!
You don’t want them to repeat this pattern, right? Can you look into Alateen or some other program for children of alcoholics?
Have another hug!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Healingbegins….I am glad that you are willing to read the literature.....
In case you didn't know...we have a great library of articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.....(it is in the "classic Readings" section in the stickies...at top of the main page, also).
Over 100 articles....enough for you to read one every single day!
I am going to give you the following link to get you started.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
In case you didn't know...we have a great library of articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.....(it is in the "classic Readings" section in the stickies...at top of the main page, also).
Over 100 articles....enough for you to read one every single day!
I am going to give you the following link to get you started.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Healingbegins. First let me tell you that you are not crazy, you were manipulated by him for a long time. Alcoholics are good at just giving you enough information to keep you around. My AW was the same way. She is getting help and realizes that she has a problem. She has a long way to go and I'm there for her. But it is her Journey and I can't control it.
Read the literature and if possible go to an al-anon meeting. all this has helped me understand and get some comfort. You have to help yourself and your children. They are what comes first.
Read the literature and if possible go to an al-anon meeting. all this has helped me understand and get some comfort. You have to help yourself and your children. They are what comes first.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by Healingbegins 
I can see how silly this is when I type it out and read it back to myself. It is excuses because if any of that was the cause he would be happily sober and I wouldn't be questioning every move I make.
I mean it's not the end of the world if a casual drinker has a few drinks (based on what the Dr. says/recommends about any particular one) but drinking copious amounts of a depressant while taking anti-depressants is counter-productive - or at the very least a total wash.
Even if they were effective it wouldn't address his alcoholism.
Sometime people come to SR early on. Their self-esteem and lives haven't been completely trampled. I think it's easier at that point to make the move to get out. It has its own challenges of course because the situation hasn't become so dire yet that they are still hoping it can be turned around and in some cases, of course, it can be.
You have been doing this for a long time. Your weariness actually comes through in your writing.
If you are ready to break free, don't let ANYTHING stop you, not him, not the mortgage nothing. Make a plan, even if it doesn't look good on paper and make it work. It's certainly not impossible.
Just like if you waited until all your ducks were in a perfect row before you had children, you would probably never have them - waiting to escape from the prison will never have a "perfect" moment. The only truly perfect time is when you choose to do it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 108
I think you have to approach this with the assumption that they will never stop drinking. I am only finding this out now myself. You know why everything is supposedly your fault? It makes them feel better about drinking or the abuse they put you through. They can't just admit that they need to drink no matter what else is happening in the universe.
This is also why they never leave you alone. You are their support, and you are also their justification to perpetuate the drinking. If you're not around, you can't help them, and they can't put the blame on you for their actions. You're their ticket to completely deflecting any personal responsibility.
I have to repeat this. Assume that this cycle will never stop. If it could, it would have already.
This is also why they never leave you alone. You are their support, and you are also their justification to perpetuate the drinking. If you're not around, you can't help them, and they can't put the blame on you for their actions. You're their ticket to completely deflecting any personal responsibility.
I have to repeat this. Assume that this cycle will never stop. If it could, it would have already.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Healing, this may give you some space to begin responding
instead of reacting
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-...3/medium-chill
For me, it was the beginning of real change because it stopped the
senseless, useless drunken attacks/arguements. It changed the
dynamic when AH could not project his shame on me. We
cannot cause their drinking, cure it or control it. It is mental
illness and it will affect everyone around it. There is a lot to
learn about alcoholism and it will help you tremendously.
Keep posting, there are many wise people here who will
give you hope and strength.
instead of reacting
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-...3/medium-chill
For me, it was the beginning of real change because it stopped the
senseless, useless drunken attacks/arguements. It changed the
dynamic when AH could not project his shame on me. We
cannot cause their drinking, cure it or control it. It is mental
illness and it will affect everyone around it. There is a lot to
learn about alcoholism and it will help you tremendously.
Keep posting, there are many wise people here who will
give you hope and strength.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 62
Reading some of those stories in the link gave me goosebumps. It was like reading my own thoughts.
I love the link on medium chill. I am going to print that and carry it with me to remind myself that there is a better way.
I am thinking more clearly now thanks to everyones advice. It's so hard to make any kind of decision when your mind is in a tailspin.
Honestly, he will never change. I watch him getting older and getting worse. His body just can't handle this anymore. I look at him and he has aged 10 years since March. I listen to him talk so highly about drinking. I look at his FB posts, all about drinking and women, and things that should never be posted. He is preoccupied with it. I have tried every method to get him to realize. I yell it doesn't work. I talk quietly, it doesn't work. I leave him alone, he seeks me out.
I will never ever be that important. Our kids will never ever be that important. I am not trying to judge, but for me personally, I can't do this anymore. Maybe there is a better person out there who will be more patient, more tolerant, accept him for who he is and the decisions he makes. I'm just not that person. I'm getting older now too and want to get on with it. I have put off so much that I've wanted to do for so long.
I'm tired of hoping for something that's not going to come. I'm tired of even having to be in the situation. I tried to love him for who he is but he is not himself when drinking. That person is long gone.
I have my plan and I'm keeping it to myself for now. Moving forward......
I love the link on medium chill. I am going to print that and carry it with me to remind myself that there is a better way.
I am thinking more clearly now thanks to everyones advice. It's so hard to make any kind of decision when your mind is in a tailspin.
Honestly, he will never change. I watch him getting older and getting worse. His body just can't handle this anymore. I look at him and he has aged 10 years since March. I listen to him talk so highly about drinking. I look at his FB posts, all about drinking and women, and things that should never be posted. He is preoccupied with it. I have tried every method to get him to realize. I yell it doesn't work. I talk quietly, it doesn't work. I leave him alone, he seeks me out.
I will never ever be that important. Our kids will never ever be that important. I am not trying to judge, but for me personally, I can't do this anymore. Maybe there is a better person out there who will be more patient, more tolerant, accept him for who he is and the decisions he makes. I'm just not that person. I'm getting older now too and want to get on with it. I have put off so much that I've wanted to do for so long.
I'm tired of hoping for something that's not going to come. I'm tired of even having to be in the situation. I tried to love him for who he is but he is not himself when drinking. That person is long gone.
I have my plan and I'm keeping it to myself for now. Moving forward......
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Dear heart I can feel your tears. and worries and stress and it all. have been there walked in your shoes and still. do..
when a man stops having sex with his wife. he starts to forget why he had to have her. don't I know it.. I can say this .. have too. for so many of your others are in the same boat..
26 years with my Eddie Lee. the first 6 the best the reason why and we knew we would be together forever. then Florida and his accident in the truck.. home home home to Wisconsin family and if he could not work I could and had the bus to get us around and me to and from.. and everything would cost less.. 2009 and they gave him the morphine for pain 2 pills a day. and his anger and our life went down the tubes. April this year I knew he was going to die. Open Heart Surgery April 7.. 15 days in ICU.. home sometimes I have the hubby back in 1992.. he is so ice cold to the touch.. and the brusing of the legs is scary...
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. WE DID NOT CAUSE THIS OR MAKE IT HAPPEN.
THIS IS HOW THEY DID THEIR LIVES BEFORE US. AND NOW WE HAVE TO CARE FOR THE MESS... I have his cremation urin in the living room and 3 cremation roses that I will go in for my children. they know of this..
when he pushes to much on I will not let him have his way. I point to the urin and say ok Dummy keep it up. by Christmas that will be your new place. yep... hard its damn hard... why do we do it. I found out very carefully that I would have to have 3 jobs to pay the alimony that he would need to have his life style until he is no more. yep the Lady that has to pay for it all.
some times when I run into some guy that thinks he is a female . I point out very carefully how we have to really live. really kiddo you have to be me.. please take it and let me live in your skin for a year.. I have a list I pull out of my pocket. here this is what I do from 3am on 24 7 365 what do I do for myself.. I don't drink or do drugs why because I am the one that has to have the answers all the time...
sorry all. but this is the only place to get it off your chest(so to Speak)
when a man stops having sex with his wife. he starts to forget why he had to have her. don't I know it.. I can say this .. have too. for so many of your others are in the same boat..
26 years with my Eddie Lee. the first 6 the best the reason why and we knew we would be together forever. then Florida and his accident in the truck.. home home home to Wisconsin family and if he could not work I could and had the bus to get us around and me to and from.. and everything would cost less.. 2009 and they gave him the morphine for pain 2 pills a day. and his anger and our life went down the tubes. April this year I knew he was going to die. Open Heart Surgery April 7.. 15 days in ICU.. home sometimes I have the hubby back in 1992.. he is so ice cold to the touch.. and the brusing of the legs is scary...
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. WE DID NOT CAUSE THIS OR MAKE IT HAPPEN.
THIS IS HOW THEY DID THEIR LIVES BEFORE US. AND NOW WE HAVE TO CARE FOR THE MESS... I have his cremation urin in the living room and 3 cremation roses that I will go in for my children. they know of this..
when he pushes to much on I will not let him have his way. I point to the urin and say ok Dummy keep it up. by Christmas that will be your new place. yep... hard its damn hard... why do we do it. I found out very carefully that I would have to have 3 jobs to pay the alimony that he would need to have his life style until he is no more. yep the Lady that has to pay for it all.
some times when I run into some guy that thinks he is a female . I point out very carefully how we have to really live. really kiddo you have to be me.. please take it and let me live in your skin for a year.. I have a list I pull out of my pocket. here this is what I do from 3am on 24 7 365 what do I do for myself.. I don't drink or do drugs why because I am the one that has to have the answers all the time...
sorry all. but this is the only place to get it off your chest(so to Speak)
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