Micromanagement
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Join Date: May 2019
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This is really interesting to me. My AH husband had pretty bad OCD as a child, which he says he grew out of (he had to touch things in a certain order before he could leave a room), but he is impeccably neat (or used to be), which I believe is an outgrowth of his OCD. I can sense his agitation if we're at a home where things are messy, although he's only rarely made a comment to me about it. He has thankfully never micromanaged me though, but one good thing -- I've always enjoyed the fact that I've never had to clean the bathroom, ever! It could be a personality disorder. :0(
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Holy crap, TeeHee.....I think you're married to my ex!
I had a 2 year old when I was with him....if he came home to a less than perfect house, I was told that "All you do is watch Dr. Phil and play on the internet all day". NO, A-hole! I have a toddler!!!! And how dare you watch something else on tv other than what he wants to watch!!! See? You're not "in sync" at all! (Honestly, I would play NSYNC's "Bye, Bye, Bye" on repeat when he's around!)
And not going to bed when he does? Why is that? So you can play on the internet more than you need to?
Whoooooooooooooo................my heart is literally palpatating. This is such a trigger because it hits so close to home how life was then. I'd wager money that you've even been accused of cheating.
I had a 2 year old when I was with him....if he came home to a less than perfect house, I was told that "All you do is watch Dr. Phil and play on the internet all day". NO, A-hole! I have a toddler!!!! And how dare you watch something else on tv other than what he wants to watch!!! See? You're not "in sync" at all! (Honestly, I would play NSYNC's "Bye, Bye, Bye" on repeat when he's around!)
And not going to bed when he does? Why is that? So you can play on the internet more than you need to?
Whoooooooooooooo................my heart is literally palpatating. This is such a trigger because it hits so close to home how life was then. I'd wager money that you've even been accused of cheating.
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Originally Posted by Teehee 
Here are the things that agitate him:
1. Picking the same color bed sheets to replace the sheets needing washed, or, placing the recently washed/dried sheets back on the bed.
2. Not having the home spit spot and dinner completed with cleaned kitchen before he gets home from work.
3. If I showered in the morning vs showering at night before bed.
4. I'm to go to bed at the same time he does.
5. If I attempt to watch something different than we watch every night before bed.
6. If I watch any tv during the day.
7. If I'm perceived to have been on the internet too long.
8. If I change anything about the homes decor or arrangement.
I'm sure I could think of more, but you get the idea.
His agitation will often come with angry outbursts, especially if I try to verbally defend myself with reason, have a different opinion, or just don't go along with what he wants.
He tries to keep me in check by giving me advice on how to perform better and to do things in a more timely manner (what he considers timely).
1. Picking the same color bed sheets to replace the sheets needing washed, or, placing the recently washed/dried sheets back on the bed.
2. Not having the home spit spot and dinner completed with cleaned kitchen before he gets home from work.
3. If I showered in the morning vs showering at night before bed.
4. I'm to go to bed at the same time he does.
5. If I attempt to watch something different than we watch every night before bed.
6. If I watch any tv during the day.
7. If I'm perceived to have been on the internet too long.
8. If I change anything about the homes decor or arrangement.
I'm sure I could think of more, but you get the idea.
His agitation will often come with angry outbursts, especially if I try to verbally defend myself with reason, have a different opinion, or just don't go along with what he wants.
He tries to keep me in check by giving me advice on how to perform better and to do things in a more timely manner (what he considers timely).
Jeeze Louise! It's no wonder some times you blow your stack!
He certainly wouldn't want to wander in to my kitchen...
OCD very well could be one of the factors that led to him becoming alcoholic. Of course that is complete speculation on my part, but it is one of the most common reasons that people choose to self medicate.
My brother in law has OCD and some other anxieties that led to his alcoholism. He is aware now and no longer drinks. I'd like to say he is in recovery, but it isn't that simple. He is no longer drinking, and doesn't want to. That is a good thing.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
hi teehee
I know exactly what you mean - I've been there.
Now that is in a place where I wasn't living with the person - so it wasn't my turf, however the M.O. was exactly the same.
Could be OCD, could be a HUGE control issue, but of course, it doesn't really matter, he needs to take care of it. Above all, realize, daily - it's NOT YOU.
I handled it as you are going to try - "that's not your side of the street", that worked in the moment but not ongoing. When asked "what are you doing" my reply was - whatever I want to.
Then again, control issues can appear the same, I assume his routines are predictable as well.
It is a HUGE problem and there is no reason for you to live that way. He needs help with this obviously. This is no different than dealing with an addiction really in that he either finds a way to manage it or you have to detach, detach, detach or move along perhaps.
As for him saying you are not in "sync" well, truly you are not. He wants things done his way when he wants them done. You do not. Only you can decide for yourself if this can be worked out.
I'm really sorry you are dealing with this - it's a terrible thing, I know.
I know exactly what you mean - I've been there.
Now that is in a place where I wasn't living with the person - so it wasn't my turf, however the M.O. was exactly the same.
Could be OCD, could be a HUGE control issue, but of course, it doesn't really matter, he needs to take care of it. Above all, realize, daily - it's NOT YOU.
I handled it as you are going to try - "that's not your side of the street", that worked in the moment but not ongoing. When asked "what are you doing" my reply was - whatever I want to.
Then again, control issues can appear the same, I assume his routines are predictable as well.
It is a HUGE problem and there is no reason for you to live that way. He needs help with this obviously. This is no different than dealing with an addiction really in that he either finds a way to manage it or you have to detach, detach, detach or move along perhaps.
As for him saying you are not in "sync" well, truly you are not. He wants things done his way when he wants them done. You do not. Only you can decide for yourself if this can be worked out.
I'm really sorry you are dealing with this - it's a terrible thing, I know.
Detachment...I've never quite understood it no matter how many times I read or listened to CoDependent No More by Beattie. But I will read/listen again because its the only reading material that helps keep perspective and sanity.
And yes, his routine is the same every day. When visiting my family or when my family has come to see me, I always warn him to not get agitated when they stay up late wanting to chat. That I don't want "that look" that it's time for bed or him glancing at his watch. He has actually done very well to my surprise.
His routine is to get ready for bed by 8:30 which means being in the bedroom, play with our dog on the bed for 20 minutes, heat dinner up so its ready to eat when he is out of the shower, Im to have the tv ready while he is in the shower with his favorite show, he zombies to dinner and tv and lights out -- and by darn I better be lights out too. This. Is. Every. Night. I don't try to change this and tolerate it just fine most of the time. Every once in a while I try to change up the show -- always a mistake and there is no reasoning with him on it. He hid a lot of this from me very well the first 1.5 yrs. Gradually all this came out including his grooming me to do laundry the way he wants it done. He tried to get me to iron the bed sheets -- hell no and I was emphatic it will NEVER happen! He hasn't pushed that one, thank God.
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Sheepherder...it can be from so many things...or a combination of things...
It could be OCD--as the maifestation of an anxiety disorder....or asbergers , or the result of role modeling, as they grew up, or severe parenting, etc...the list goes on.....
sheepherder ...I am speaking, generally, not of your husband, specifically.....
Thank God, as a young wife, I did not search for the "reason" (although, now, I have my suspicions)…..I was just so miserable and I knew I had....Had...to get away from it.
for the record...decades later...I hear that he hasn't changed, one molecule......
It could be OCD--as the maifestation of an anxiety disorder....or asbergers , or the result of role modeling, as they grew up, or severe parenting, etc...the list goes on.....
sheepherder ...I am speaking, generally, not of your husband, specifically.....
Thank God, as a young wife, I did not search for the "reason" (although, now, I have my suspicions)…..I was just so miserable and I knew I had....Had...to get away from it.
for the record...decades later...I hear that he hasn't changed, one molecule......
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Join Date: Aug 2019
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
Why did you stop participating in AlAnon?
Lesson learned, I need to go no matter how well I think things are in my life.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
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Originally Posted by Teehee
We have been together almost 5 years; lived together 2; married less than 1 year. It seems since we've been married it has become worse. We would go a long time before an issue would erupt, but here lately its weekly.
It use to be a joke when he would make goofy outrageous demands. Its not funny anymore to him or me.
I told him last night I am his wife not his child which is apparently something the ex-wife use to say to him. I didn't know that until last night.
It use to be a joke when he would make goofy outrageous demands. Its not funny anymore to him or me.
I told him last night I am his wife not his child which is apparently something the ex-wife use to say to him. I didn't know that until last night.
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Originally Posted by Teehee
Lesson learned, I need to go no matter how well I think things are in my life.
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Teehee.....you do recognize that this is pathological on his part and it is abusive, don't you?
I am guessing that you do, since you are here with us, talking about it.....
Remember...I lived that stuff, at one time. I was so young and nieve.
to me, from the outside, now...it does look very abusive...and, make no mistake, it is causing wounds to you...on the inside. It can wear you down and tear you down....I am sure it has.
You were not intended to live this way. Life, at baseline, is for the joy of being alive and living......
I am guessing that you do, since you are here with us, talking about it.....
Remember...I lived that stuff, at one time. I was so young and nieve.
to me, from the outside, now...it does look very abusive...and, make no mistake, it is causing wounds to you...on the inside. It can wear you down and tear you down....I am sure it has.
You were not intended to live this way. Life, at baseline, is for the joy of being alive and living......
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Teehee.....you do recognize that this is pathological on his part and it is abusive, don't you?
I am guessing that you do, since you are here with us, talking about it.....
Remember...I lived that stuff, at one time. I was so young and nieve.
to me, from the outside, now...it does look very abusive...and, make no mistake, it is causing wounds to you...on the inside. It can wear you down and tear you down....I am sure it has.
You were not intended to live this way. Life, at baseline, is for the joy of being alive and living......
I am guessing that you do, since you are here with us, talking about it.....
Remember...I lived that stuff, at one time. I was so young and nieve.
to me, from the outside, now...it does look very abusive...and, make no mistake, it is causing wounds to you...on the inside. It can wear you down and tear you down....I am sure it has.
You were not intended to live this way. Life, at baseline, is for the joy of being alive and living......
Last night he was so angry at me for trying to reason the ridiculousness of fighting over the fact I made a pitcher of fresh juice that he slammed the palm of his hand against the kitchen cabinet.
I brought up the fact he threatened me with eating the power drill when we were talking more calmly but he just smirked and said he'd never really make me eat a power drill. He missed the point. So it's ok to threaten violence so long as he doesn't really mean it.
I know he grew up with an alcoholic dad who he loved and hated. He once saw his dad hit his mom when they were arguing, but said it was only once. At the same time, I grew up in a VERY dysfunctional home where my parents no only argued and shouted at one another, but it would become very physical. I can remember when I was 4 watching from the window as my dad beat my mother on the front lawn. Perhaps this is why I attract the people I do.
Is he repeating a pattern? I don't know. I wish I could talk to his ex-wife, but she is a homeless meth - head who can't be reached or trusted.
I'll go to alanon; I'll search for a therapist; I will keep good notes with an open eye.
It sucks to be in this position again.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Yes, I'm so sorry you are in this - it's really tough.
That was also my experience, it got worse over time. The first incident was I wasn't turning the tap off properly, so it dripped (I didn't realize it did that, hadn't been there enough to notice). There was tension.
I said well don't leave it until you are angry, just say something. Perhaps that was the wrong approach lol (but I had no idea what was to come).
It got worse and worse and worse. I wasn't kidding about the 50 items I could list and I'm sure your list is that long too. It never, ever got better, only worse. That said, there was never any attempt to work on it.
Yes it is abusive. It may not be purposefully abusive as in, I will get her with all my rules! But trying to control another person is a huge negative. Please don't let it get to a point where you are walking on eggshells all the time and your self-esteem is trampled in to the ground - it makes it so much harder to leave if you have to.
Al-Anon will help as it gives you face to face support but honestly? If he doesn't see a problem and he doesn't correct this, it won't change and the only escape from it will be out the front door.
Obviously that is your choice entirely and that's just my opinion.
That was also my experience, it got worse over time. The first incident was I wasn't turning the tap off properly, so it dripped (I didn't realize it did that, hadn't been there enough to notice). There was tension.
I said well don't leave it until you are angry, just say something. Perhaps that was the wrong approach lol (but I had no idea what was to come).
It got worse and worse and worse. I wasn't kidding about the 50 items I could list and I'm sure your list is that long too. It never, ever got better, only worse. That said, there was never any attempt to work on it.
Yes it is abusive. It may not be purposefully abusive as in, I will get her with all my rules! But trying to control another person is a huge negative. Please don't let it get to a point where you are walking on eggshells all the time and your self-esteem is trampled in to the ground - it makes it so much harder to leave if you have to.
Al-Anon will help as it gives you face to face support but honestly? If he doesn't see a problem and he doesn't correct this, it won't change and the only escape from it will be out the front door.
Obviously that is your choice entirely and that's just my opinion.
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do you have the financial resources to leave and be on your own, if need be? i am not saying dive out the nearest window, but it would be a good idea to do a financial audit and be very familiar with your financial picture.
i hope you are careful with your online activities and don't leave a trail of breadcrumbs to this or other sites? make sure to use the incognito mode whenever possible.
it does sound very oppressive and constrictive - it is abuse to be mocked, ridiculed, talked down to, threatened in any way. any attempts on your part to stand up for yourself and push back too much could result him doubling down - so do proceed with caution.
i hope you are careful with your online activities and don't leave a trail of breadcrumbs to this or other sites? make sure to use the incognito mode whenever possible.
it does sound very oppressive and constrictive - it is abuse to be mocked, ridiculed, talked down to, threatened in any way. any attempts on your part to stand up for yourself and push back too much could result him doubling down - so do proceed with caution.
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Teehee....yes, keep reading and learning and reaching out to those who understand. This is one reason that I suggested the literature from "Adult Children of Alcoholics and dysfunctional families". And who another suggested the book "Why Does he Do That"...….
there are so many kinds of abuse. I think that many people assume that abuse is always physical and visible. Well, it sure can be, but, not always.
Intimidating by fear and threats can be a form of "psychological abuse".....control by Intimidation. As well as slamming doors, hitting tables (and cabinets), and punching holes in walls.
There is also a thing called "gaslighting"....trying to make you thing that something did or didn't happen...that, actually did! That is another form of psychological abuse.
I am going to go out on a limb, here and say that your husband may have sensed, in you that you would be a person that he could control...or, that you would have a verrry high tolerance for his behaviors.
controlling types have a good radar for people that they might be able to control......they are drawn like a moth to the flame.....
*****Anvilhead makes a good point about hiding your crumbs. Be careful of the books that you might be lying around, also....or, read them on kindle, if you can...or, disguise the covers....
Have a good plan to leave, quickly, if you need to...like, if the behavior becomes even more extreme. Abuse can often begin, slowly and quietly and then, begins to become more, as time goes on.....
there are so many kinds of abuse. I think that many people assume that abuse is always physical and visible. Well, it sure can be, but, not always.
Intimidating by fear and threats can be a form of "psychological abuse".....control by Intimidation. As well as slamming doors, hitting tables (and cabinets), and punching holes in walls.
There is also a thing called "gaslighting"....trying to make you thing that something did or didn't happen...that, actually did! That is another form of psychological abuse.
I am going to go out on a limb, here and say that your husband may have sensed, in you that you would be a person that he could control...or, that you would have a verrry high tolerance for his behaviors.
controlling types have a good radar for people that they might be able to control......they are drawn like a moth to the flame.....
*****Anvilhead makes a good point about hiding your crumbs. Be careful of the books that you might be lying around, also....or, read them on kindle, if you can...or, disguise the covers....
Have a good plan to leave, quickly, if you need to...like, if the behavior becomes even more extreme. Abuse can often begin, slowly and quietly and then, begins to become more, as time goes on.....
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 94
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
do you have the financial resources to leave and be on your own, if need be? i am not saying dive out the nearest window, but it would be a good idea to do a financial audit and be very familiar with your financial picture.
i hope you are careful with your online activities and don't leave a trail of breadcrumbs to this or other sites? make sure to use the incognito mode whenever possible.
it does sound very oppressive and constrictive - it is abuse to be mocked, ridiculed, talked down to, threatened in any way. any attempts on your part to stand up for yourself and push back too much could result him doubling down - so do proceed with caution.
i hope you are careful with your online activities and don't leave a trail of breadcrumbs to this or other sites? make sure to use the incognito mode whenever possible.
it does sound very oppressive and constrictive - it is abuse to be mocked, ridiculed, talked down to, threatened in any way. any attempts on your part to stand up for yourself and push back too much could result him doubling down - so do proceed with caution.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
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Dandylion,
I'm very familiar with gaslighting. My ex alcoholic husband use that on me constantly. I thought I was going insane as what I thought was real and true he always said wasn't and I imagined it. My current husband hasn't used that tactic, thankfully, but he's a bully.
Its hard not to stand up for myself and try to reason with him when the arguments are so stupid -- literally over NOTHING of importance. i will try to simmer down so I don't provoke for my own safety.
I hate it when I cant take it anymore and boil over just to see him take the high road. That is SO irritating the way he immediately calms down says "wow, I didn't know I upset you that much" as if he is shocked.
Its a rotten deal once again.
I'm very familiar with gaslighting. My ex alcoholic husband use that on me constantly. I thought I was going insane as what I thought was real and true he always said wasn't and I imagined it. My current husband hasn't used that tactic, thankfully, but he's a bully.
Its hard not to stand up for myself and try to reason with him when the arguments are so stupid -- literally over NOTHING of importance. i will try to simmer down so I don't provoke for my own safety.
I hate it when I cant take it anymore and boil over just to see him take the high road. That is SO irritating the way he immediately calms down says "wow, I didn't know I upset you that much" as if he is shocked.
Its a rotten deal once again.
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Teehee....I think you are wise to monitor how much you can "agrue" with him. You know him, better than we do....and, you need to take care for your own immediate safety, always.....
One word that is often used, on this forum is JADE. You don't always have to JADE. J-justify, A--argue. D--defend. E--explain.
And, we say that you don't have to attend every argument/fight that you are invited to...…lol...….
One word that is often used, on this forum is JADE. You don't always have to JADE. J-justify, A--argue. D--defend. E--explain.
And, we say that you don't have to attend every argument/fight that you are invited to...…lol...….
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When regular request for control is not met they may up the ante. Wasn't really necessary in the relationship I referred to because I was pretty easy going about it, generally, but I didn't live there (and never could have).
I was also in an abusive relationship at one time (yeah I know lol) and there was physical violence.
At some point it stopped. The thing with violence, like the drill, like slamming his palm on the kitchen cabinet is that it doesn't actually have to happen.
You have been warned.
Once the violence stopped in the relationship I was in, he didn't need to hit me. Whenever there was conflict at some point the violence was implied, I knew when it reached that point and I would stop.
I think you'll find there will be more instances of things being thrown or slammed to try and get you in line.
Yes, please do be cautious, it is a very small leap to actual physical violence here.
Sadly - you have to change your reactions to avoid that and that is the damn control.
he told me I better stop or he would make me eat the power drill sitting on the console.
Last night he was so angry at me for trying to reason the ridiculousness of fighting over the fact I made a pitcher of fresh juice that he slammed the palm of his hand against the kitchen cabinet.
Last night he was so angry at me for trying to reason the ridiculousness of fighting over the fact I made a pitcher of fresh juice that he slammed the palm of his hand against the kitchen cabinet.
At some point it stopped. The thing with violence, like the drill, like slamming his palm on the kitchen cabinet is that it doesn't actually have to happen.
You have been warned.
Once the violence stopped in the relationship I was in, he didn't need to hit me. Whenever there was conflict at some point the violence was implied, I knew when it reached that point and I would stop.
I think you'll find there will be more instances of things being thrown or slammed to try and get you in line.
Yes, please do be cautious, it is a very small leap to actual physical violence here.
Sadly - you have to change your reactions to avoid that and that is the damn control.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
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Yes, do use Incognito Mode!
My ex got so bad he tapped our home phone. Had the technology been there at the time, he probably would have installed keystroke recording software.
He would slam cabinets, throw things, and get right up in my face and yell at me like a drill sargeant. He would thump me on the forhead while smirking and telling me how stupid/worthless/ungrateful I was. We lived out in the middle of nowhere on 3 acres with a HUGE national forest across the street. I am pretty sure had I not left, I would have ended up dead in that forest somewhere. I know all too well about keeping things on an even keep for your own safety.
As difficult as it will be, you may want to shift to "grey rocking" him. Read up on it if you don't know what it is. It sounds like he may be getting his jollies from getting you all riled up.....and the "Wow, I didn't know I upset you that much" translates to me as "Wow, I didn't know I had that much power over you!" I'd take that power back.
My ex got so bad he tapped our home phone. Had the technology been there at the time, he probably would have installed keystroke recording software.
He would slam cabinets, throw things, and get right up in my face and yell at me like a drill sargeant. He would thump me on the forhead while smirking and telling me how stupid/worthless/ungrateful I was. We lived out in the middle of nowhere on 3 acres with a HUGE national forest across the street. I am pretty sure had I not left, I would have ended up dead in that forest somewhere. I know all too well about keeping things on an even keep for your own safety.
As difficult as it will be, you may want to shift to "grey rocking" him. Read up on it if you don't know what it is. It sounds like he may be getting his jollies from getting you all riled up.....and the "Wow, I didn't know I upset you that much" translates to me as "Wow, I didn't know I had that much power over you!" I'd take that power back.
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