hopeful4

Sorry to say this, but I would stop looking for the why and see that he is an a$$. You deserve so much more.

Teehee

This is overwhelming, a feeling I had prayed I'd never feel in this negative way ever again after leaving my ex alcoholic.
So, I entangled myself thru relationship with his wonderful daughter and marriage to an alcoholic with solid years of recovery who has other issues coming out of the woodwork like roaches. Lovely. I really should have stayed single. It's ok being single and I'll remember that if things don't change.
Thank you for all of the experiential advice -- it is taken.

Teehee

He is an azz...A bad blow up last week had me blurting it out and it felt good being honest. I think he knows our fledgling marriage is walking a tight rope at this very moment. He will be all super sugary sweet this evening.

trailmix

Just wanted to comment on what you said above.

Detachment is really just a tool, but there are different approaches to it.

Say for instance someone has a habit or something that doesn't really hurt anyone. They play ping pong every morning at 7 and therefore they have to take Tylenol every night because their elbow hurts.

Now, you might find that annoying, why would you keep playing something that hurts your elbow so you have to take pain relievers every night, it makes no sense to you.

Well, it doesn't have to and they love their ping pong - so just detach with love. It's not your side of the street.

To me this is different than detaching for self-preservation. In the situation you are in, each dig, each reprimand each instruction hurts you. It undermines your ideas of right and wrong, it undermines your confidence that you are capable and smart, etc etc - you know what it does to you - heck maybe it's none of those things it just makes you wary and not trusting and irritates the heck out of you.

Now that's different in that it is not harmless to you. Detaching from this type of behaviour means detaching your feelings from the other person. This might not always mean the end of a relationship, say in the case of addiction it might be a tool used when the spouse is in early recovery and all out of sorts but then things settle down and such detachment is not necessary.

In your situation, it is ongoing and not being addressed.

Of course it's not just the controlling, it's all the other things that comes with that personality type, or can.

You have to look at the behaviour that you are detaching from and say that is not for me and has nothing to do with me. I won't accept it (to yourself, not to the other person).

Now in that case, there is only one way the detachment is going - and that is out the front door because unless the cause for you detaching is corrected - there is no solution and I maintain a long term relationship cannot be maintained if one partner has to emotionally detach.

Milano58

Sorry but it is. You may not want to admit you're a victim but you are. I had this precise crap from my dad and my EXAH once he fell of the wagon and to a lesser extent while he was still dry knuckling his sobriety.

Aside from my personal experience I've been to trauma counselling and they would be screaming at you to leave. Can you even take some time off and get some perspective?

This can only get worse. It's not about why is he behaving this way.. Its about why the **** are you putting up with it?

Michsm

This is not a partnership. This is abuse in my opinion. This will escalate. Yes it s a rotten deal once again but you can do something about it.

Glenjo99

This must be so overwhelming for you to hear but you know I think the universe is speaking to you in droves through all the replies.

Theres a lovely quote that's stuck with me for years that came to mind reading your post.

"Difficulties come when you don't pay attention to life's whisper. Life always whispers to you first, but if you ignore the whisper, sooner or later you'll get a scream". Oprah Winfrey

I didn't listen to the whispers(red flags), and boy did the screams come.

Stay safe and mind yourself.

SmallButMighty

I like the quote Glenjo, thanks.

I equate the "whispers" to instincts... which I ignored.. until they screamed at me by means of an anxiety disorder. That regular dump of excess cortisol and adrenaline into my brain, that had my fight or flight reaction kicked into high gear. It was just an awful way to live.

Glenjo99

That's exactly what happens smallbutmighty, people end up living in a state of fight or flight, thinking this is normal when really it's actually "familiar" to something from their childhood, repeating the cycle. The cycle repeats until some healing takes place.

FallenAngelina

I'd say that someone who is no longer participating in a full recovery program is no longer in recovery. Full recovery program includes regular meetings, sponsorship, readings and service. I have never known an alcoholic to maintain a serene life without ongoing and full participation.

pdm22

Hey TeeTee- you got some great advice and I don’t have much to add. However, I’d maybe google Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder and read up on that a little, see if that hits home. OCD is more about obsessions (thoughts)/ compulsions (acts/ rituals to relieve the anxiety around the thoughts). OCPD is a little different, and sounds to me like this is more what you’re dealing with (and the poorly managed alcoholism of course).

FireSprite

I respectfully disagree.

A person who is determined to live substance-free can do so without having to attend AA for the rest of their natural life. Just like a person can continually relapse WHILE doing all the activities you spoke about above - in fact, I've heard several stories over the years of people attending AA & actively running meetings while closet-drinking. My AF maintained his sobriety & a life of amends for 5 solid years before he passed suddenly due to unrelated illness without any meetings or sponsorship.

While AA & Al-Anon have their place & have proven their tools can help/work, they simply are not the end-all, be-all of recovery.


On one of her SuperSoul Sunday podcasts, her guest Iyanla Vanzant said that "first, God throws pebbles & then he throws a brick..... learn to trust the pebble." It really stuck with me.

Teehee

I bought the Kindle version of "Why Does He Do That?" by Bancroft; I'm in the first chapter.
As predicted, my husband was very nice last night. First thing out of his mouth when he walked in the door from work was that he was sorry for being ungrateful for all that I do and taking me for granted. I told him that when he walks in the door sour, angry, controlling, and accusing he sets the tone for the rest of the evening/day and sometimes several days. I know this probably won't be enough but for now it has to be as I prepare to put on my big girl pants for any future episodes.
I appreciate all of the insight/advice. It's what I needed and has all been taken to heart being weighed against my situation.

AnvilheadII

sounds very much like the Cycle of Abuse, which has specific and predictable stages. for the abuser it is ALL about control.

Tension-building phase
This is where the cycle begins. Despite all relationships having their share of conflict, conflicts in an abusive relationship are never resolved. This is because one of the things abusers never do is admit any wrong.

As conflicts arise in the relationship but they are not resolved, several things happen. These include the abuser acting in passive-aggressive behavior. This is one of the ways the victim gets confused because the communication channels are essentially closed.

As the tension builds up, communication from the abuser becomes poor. This makes the problem more vague and unclear. You are neither able to pinpoint the problem nor its cause, even though you’re experiencing its effects.

This presents you with a very problematic situation. Since as a victim you are most likely passive, you lack the confidence to address the situation. You therefore get stressed on the inside and it comes out through your actions.

You become clumsy as you go about your daily activities and are likely to do things wrongly. This is exactly what the abuser is waiting for. As you will come to know later, this is one of the ways the abuser sets the stage for abusive behavior.

You also become fearful and start actively avoiding things which might trigger violence or other unwanted actions from the abuser. Quite literally, you start walking on eggshells.
Although in every relationship people avoid the things which they know their partners don’t like, for you it is not out of love but fear. This fear largely contributes to your inability to make sound decisions, leading to wrong actions.

Incident phase
The tension that has built up will soon enough give way to an incident of abuse. This is where the abuser acts out his anger.

Depending on the abuser and how far the relationship has come, this incident may vary.

It may be as “small” as a verbal attack or as big as physical violence. In most cases, physical abuse comes way later into the relationship, when the abuser has developed control over you and is assured of your compliance and inability to leave.

If at the infant stages of the relationship, what may come from the abuser is likely to be harsh criticisms of you. Outbursts of anger, arguing and yelling might also occur. The whole purpose of this is to put you down and reduce your self-esteem. This is important for the abuser so as to gain control over you.

Another common incident to occur at this stage is blaming you for all the wrongs in the relationship. Even his reactions. Although abusers rarely admit wrongdoing, in the event that they do, then they won’t take responsibility for it. They will instead put the blame on you.

They will always justify their actions by pointing out what you did. If you try having a rational discussion to resolve conflicts with an abuser, he will do everything to scuttle the process. Abusers cannot reason logically. This is mainly out of training themselves to hide their hurts.
Intimidation is also a part of the incident phase. An abuser will intimidate you to show that he is right while you are wrong. Through out the relationship, it will always be about him being right.

In the minds of abusers, everything is usually about gaining control. If they don’t have control, then nothing will run smoothly. Unfortunately, no amount of control satisfies them, not to mention that their control is always exercised through hurting others.

Reconciliation phase
The reconciliation phase comes after an abusive incident because the abuser is now afraid of the consequences of his actions against you.

In most cases, the abuser will be afraid that you might leave. To avoid that, they will show remorse, which might be real or fake, just to convince you not to leave.

Both the abuser and the victim have character traits that make this phase work just as the abuser intends. Although you are likely to accept his apology, it is often just another part of the game. For the abuser, it is all power play.

Abusers happen to have great convincing power. This is however not the kind that works in great salesmen but one that is driven by their desperate need to control others. It is only when they have complete control over everyone around them that they can get satisfaction.

The abuser will tell you that he is sorry for what he did and that the incident will never occur again. If he acknowledges his wrong behavior, he will most likely deny its magnitude. He will downplay the effects of his actions or the harm he has caused you.

Something else likely to happen in this stage is making excuses for his behavior. An abuser will always have an excuse as to why he did what he did. And a part of that is the blame-shifting that he does. His actions are always a valid response to your own actions.

On your part as the victim, the reason this stage succeeds and leads to the next one is your gullibility. Lacking in knowledge about abuse simply makes you vulnerable. You have witnessed wrong treatment and cruel attacks but are unable to pinpoint it as abuse.

Something else, it is likely that you have low self-esteem. This mostly comes from your upbringing and the effects of your past life prior to getting involved with the abuser. This is how you first of all fell into his trap because abusers rarely abuse confident people.

People with low self-esteem are always, even unconsciously, seeking approval more than the confident person. This makes the victim open to making sacrifices to please other people in an effort to gain their approval. This openness to making great sacrifices is what abusers look for as they “hunt” for victims.

All the same, not everyone who is open to making sacrifices can be abused. There are those who can make sacrifices though they have a firm stand in regards to the extent of it.

Although such people will initially accommodate the abuser because he posed as one who needed help, they will soon confront them on some aspects which will leave the abuser sensing exposure. At this, the abuser will naturally flee.

At the same time, it is important to realize that the manipulation carried out by abusers is not easy to detect. Unless you are knowledgeable about abusive tactics and are on the lookout for them, you can fall victim.

Calm phase
This is the last phase of the abuse cycle and is very closely tied to the reconciliation phase. It is also sometimes referred to as the honeymoon phase. This is due to the actions of the abuser at this stage. He simply goes back to the charming ways he began with.

As the name indicates, this phase is characterized by calm and peaceful times in the relationship. As such, you are assured that the abusive incident will never happen again—just as the abuser promises.

However, the calm is not all there is at this stage. This phase is really like a honeymoon moment for you. In an effort to erase the memories of abuse from your mind, the abuser may go to considerable lengths to paint an impressive picture of himself.

Since he knows you quite well, he will seek to do the things he knows will make you happy. He will put in the efforts to show you that he is loving and caring.

Two things will be happening to you at this stage:

Enjoying the calm – you are pleased by the turn of events and start holding onto the relationship not wanting it to fall apart. This will be a sign for him that all is well. Most, if not all abuse victims are usually very hopeful that things will turn out well. Remember that in their hearts, they are people who are willing to help and sacrifice. You cannot help if you’re not hopeful that things will be better. The efforts by the abuser thus pay off and they gain the trust of the victim—again. Unfortunately, this is just in readiness for the next abuse incident.
Self-blaming – as you enjoy the calm and loving environment, you are at the same time internalizing what happened before the calm. At the very beginning, you believed that the abuser was a good person. Then with the abuse, he constantly criticized you and blamed you for his actions. With time, you have believed his criticisms. So you now start thinking that it’s possible you’re the one who causes the abuser to behave the way he does.
And because you don’t want the incidents to repeat again, you start “giving back” by doing what the abuser likes while avoiding what he doesn’t like. What is happening is that you are adapting while the abuser is becoming used to getting away with it.

Why the abuse may not stop
You may think that adapting to the likes of the abuser will stop the abuse.

Not so fast. Actually, you may just be fueling it.

Being a relationship setup, conflicts will always arise. Every conflict brings in fears for the abuser that he might lose control of the situation.

To safeguard his control, which is the source of his confidence and satisfaction, he has to solidify his rule. He has to ensure that he is fully respected (actually feared).

This can only be achieved through more incidents of abuse because according to the abuser, that is the only way of going about issues.

trailmix

This ^^^^

Therein lies the biggest part of this problem in my estimation. This behaviour is:

- Ingrained - It is what they know. This is how they manage their lives. In a way similar to addiction in that it is the go-to response, action.

- Has proven successful historically. While they may have lost a relationship or 12 or a few marriages because of it, in some cases it has probably worked for some time.

Teehee

Anvil,
I am going to start a journal of how many days in between outbursts and what the outburst was over. I'll attempt to detach emotionally if possible for documentation purposes. Maybe that's goofy, but I'm going to try it. I'd like to know round about how often this occurs with how many days in between.

There have been a lot more issues lately. Perhaps there is no real rhyme or reason, but I will inspect incidents more closely.

Thanks for the great info.

Teehee

Trailmix,

Yes, I noticed the similarities with alcoholism, which is why I came to this forum. My ex alkie husband used similar tactics, among other things, as an excuse to go drink.

My husbands past marriage didn't last long, but he was active in his addiction and so was she, and she is still active in meth. I don't know everything that went on but it couldn't have been good.

I also know his dad was an alcoholic and could be very mean to him. He witnessed his dad hitting his mother but he only mentions seeing the once time so I have no idea if it was a reoccurring problem.

What I do know if that he is angry often and not just at me. He just seems to always have his dander up.

I wish there was a forum like this for domestic violence, abuse, whatever one wants to call it.

FallenAngelina

I didn't say that they are, I said that I don't know any alcoholics who have maintained their recovery (not just sobriety) without participating in an ongoing full recovery program - whichever program they choose. It's an extraordinarily rare alcoholic who maintains a life of serenity and calm without active participation in an ongoing program. The OP's husband fell way from his meetings a year ago and it's telling that things acutely worsened. People stop their programs all the time and it's exceedingly rare that they do because they feel joyful.

Teehee

I know my husband is better when he is attending meetings -- not perfect, but better.

dandylion

Teehee......the following is a link to a forum for that which you are "wishing for"......Let me know if it is satisfactory for you, or not...…

https://survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk/


****there are lots of websites for those who are being abused....I don't know if they all have forums or not...you would just have to see.
You can find abuse websites by googling "websites for domestic violence".....