New here and struggling with ABF
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
If I were your close friend... I’d ask for your cell ASAP... I’d block him... then, delete all his info for you.
But I guess I’d be enabling you 🙄
Point is, hopefully you know this guy is hurting you & he’s scum. He’s abusing you and point is: you are worth so much more & deserve so much MORE!
But I guess I’d be enabling you 🙄
Point is, hopefully you know this guy is hurting you & he’s scum. He’s abusing you and point is: you are worth so much more & deserve so much MORE!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by LifeChangeNYC 
Listen, honestly going no contact is the only way to break free from the abuse. I thought couples therapy would help too — but you’ll learn from others on here... no proper therapist or psychiatrist will counsel or see a couple if one, or both are active addicts. Counseling is basically useless with an active addict. It does more harm to you... it really will. Sorry but it’s just the truth!
And btw I am feeling much stronger and on my rock as it were. I know this is beyond outrageous and abusive and I won't partake in it anymore. The end.
May I continue to have the strength! I have no intention of contacting him or answering if he calls. I am sure I will have many more moments of weakness to come and deep sadnees. But at least I will get through tonight taking care of myself.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
I'm glad you are feeling stronger tonight. The longer you are away from him the more clarity you will get. Don't be surprised if a little anger starts to kick in too!
It isn't linear and there will be ups and downs but you can prepare for them. Think of all the self care things you can do for yourself during those times whether that is a walk or a movie or dinner out with a friend or getting a manicure, going for a drive and listening to happy music.
Do some things that you might not normally do like go to the zoo or an off leash park (if you like dogs!) and meet other people's doggies, if you like dogs that would be different (this just came to me btw, never occurred to me to do it but it does kind of sound like fun). Wish there were off leash cat parks!
Maybe sign up for a pottery night. Just gets you out of the routine you were in and that can help as well.
It isn't linear and there will be ups and downs but you can prepare for them. Think of all the self care things you can do for yourself during those times whether that is a walk or a movie or dinner out with a friend or getting a manicure, going for a drive and listening to happy music.
Do some things that you might not normally do like go to the zoo or an off leash park (if you like dogs!) and meet other people's doggies, if you like dogs that would be different (this just came to me btw, never occurred to me to do it but it does kind of sound like fun). Wish there were off leash cat parks!
Maybe sign up for a pottery night. Just gets you out of the routine you were in and that can help as well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 73
Thank you. He just called and I didn't pick up. I am welling up with tears and feel so bad ignoring his call. But I just need to remember how many times I have felt so hurt by his words.... I need to start that list. I so badly want to call him back. But I won't...
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
bluelight, you are a very kind-hearted person, and as such, you try to see the good, and give people the benefit of the doubt. There is nothing at all wrong with that; the world needs a lot more of it. It's just that when dealing with a narcissist, it can keep you from seeing the real person. You deserve someone who would cut their arm off before ever making you cry.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Blue, just a suggestion... by “block” many of us mean.... his calls bypass your seeing them. You know? With iPhones they go to a “blocked” folder. You won’t even know he called unless you check this folder.
It was very very very hard for me initially but I never even listened to my ex’s messages. Ok, maybe once in the very beginning. But... I constantly deleted that folder. Also I did that in the mornings as folks (re:me) tend to be more sad/emotional at night.
Seeing his incoming calls is just another recipe for emotional disaster.
It was very very very hard for me initially but I never even listened to my ex’s messages. Ok, maybe once in the very beginning. But... I constantly deleted that folder. Also I did that in the mornings as folks (re:me) tend to be more sad/emotional at night.
Seeing his incoming calls is just another recipe for emotional disaster.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
If you answer his call, one or more of the following will happen:
1) More endless abuse about what’s wrong with you and why he’s right and how you’re not “mold” material.
2) Whining, self-pity, and manipulation.
3) Acting like nothing has happened and everything is status quo.
And no matter which happens, you’ll be back a step. Maybe more than one.
Who needs any of it? Find yourself some ice cream, a large spoon and Netflix.
Perhaps think about making a needlepoint of Anvil’s always-to-the-point post: “Dump this jackass and be done!”
1) More endless abuse about what’s wrong with you and why he’s right and how you’re not “mold” material.
2) Whining, self-pity, and manipulation.
3) Acting like nothing has happened and everything is status quo.
And no matter which happens, you’ll be back a step. Maybe more than one.
Who needs any of it? Find yourself some ice cream, a large spoon and Netflix.
Perhaps think about making a needlepoint of Anvil’s always-to-the-point post: “Dump this jackass and be done!”
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
If you can't bring yourself to block calls and text at least put them on silent? You should be able to do this in your phone settings just for his number.
I'm sure at this point the phone ringing or a text sound gives you a jolt of adrenaline (been there) so turning it off for him, at least, would give you some peace.
I'm sure at this point the phone ringing or a text sound gives you a jolt of adrenaline (been there) so turning it off for him, at least, would give you some peace.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by LifeChangeNYC
Blue, just a suggestion... by “block” many of us mean.... his calls bypass your seeing them. You know? With iPhones they go to a “blocked” folder. You won’t even know he called unless you check this folder.
It was very very very hard for me initially but I never even listened to my ex’s messages. Ok, maybe once in the very beginning. But... I constantly deleted that folder. Also I did that in the mornings as folks (re:me) tend to be more sad/emotional at night.
Seeing his incoming calls is just another recipe for emotional disaster.
It was very very very hard for me initially but I never even listened to my ex’s messages. Ok, maybe once in the very beginning. But... I constantly deleted that folder. Also I did that in the mornings as folks (re:me) tend to be more sad/emotional at night.
Seeing his incoming calls is just another recipe for emotional disaster.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by trailmix
If you can't bring yourself to block calls and text at least put them on silent? You should be able to do this in your phone settings just for his number.
I'm sure at this point the phone ringing or a text sound gives you a jolt of adrenaline (been there) so turning it off for him, at least, would give you some peace.
I'm sure at this point the phone ringing or a text sound gives you a jolt of adrenaline (been there) so turning it off for him, at least, would give you some peace.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
Oh one other thought. I have seen people post that they change the display name for the contact - to Pain or something like that.
Maybe - "think about it" or "grab your list" or something might be other good ones lol
Oh how about - I don't give a **** what you think
Maybe - "think about it" or "grab your list" or something might be other good ones lol
Oh how about - I don't give a **** what you think
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
"Oh, look! A**h*le is calling. I won't answer." Yes, change his name on your phone. Most importantly, don't ANSWER him.
You are old enough to know how badly this will turn out. END IT NOW.
He's an abusive narcissist, perhaps even a sociopath.
Grey Rock the s**t out of him.
He's a 50-something yr. old man-child, he's tormenting you and he's enjoying it.
You are old enough to know how badly this will turn out. END IT NOW.
He's an abusive narcissist, perhaps even a sociopath.
Grey Rock the s**t out of him.
He's a 50-something yr. old man-child, he's tormenting you and he's enjoying it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
bluelight…..underlining the above suggestions to block him on the phone....remember, also that just the sound/sight of the phone call is, again, INTERMITTENT Reinforcement.....remember---the most powerful type of reinforcement...…
The tears in your eyes and the rapid heartbeat are physical evidence...symptoms of the powerful neuroreceptors and hormones that flood your system, instantly, at just the triggering sound/sight of his phone call.....
Like LifeChange said...it is sooo hard to resist those calls (or any direct reminders, in the beginning)….Just like a loud Siren Call ...lol...
As time goes on, it gets easier and easier to resist....but, it only takes that one "hit" to pull you back under water....even after a long time has passed...
Not unlike the alcoholic who has white knuckled not having a single drink for a long time, and, then thinks "It's been a long time, I am sure I can handle it now".....Not...
The tears in your eyes and the rapid heartbeat are physical evidence...symptoms of the powerful neuroreceptors and hormones that flood your system, instantly, at just the triggering sound/sight of his phone call.....
Like LifeChange said...it is sooo hard to resist those calls (or any direct reminders, in the beginning)….Just like a loud Siren Call ...lol...
As time goes on, it gets easier and easier to resist....but, it only takes that one "hit" to pull you back under water....even after a long time has passed...
Not unlike the alcoholic who has white knuckled not having a single drink for a long time, and, then thinks "It's been a long time, I am sure I can handle it now".....Not...
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by bluelight44
Love is such a strong force...
- repeated episodes of him getting triggered by the littlest, benign things I say or do which results in him getting irate and yelling at me (projecting) and telling me how I am this or that... and that everything is my fault.
- the man I love yells at me and emotionally abuses me.
- He twists things up so much that I am feeling like I caused the last episode and thus break up.
- He takes no responsibility for chewing me out on the phone
- he told me he loved me during our 2nd week of dating. Said it was love at first sight for him, and within 4-6 weeks was always talking about how I should move in with him
that one theres just minipulative words because he saw his next hotage, had used them words in the past and it worked
- I saw the signs of his aggressive behavior very early on- he would snap at me at a restaurant and I literally had to hold back my tears-- this is on one of our first few dates.
the red flag was there and ignored on this one
-He was so pissed I called before work
none of that is love.
and a HUGE one:
. I am a happy person and know I deserve better
no self love.
yesterday ya posted:
He just called and I didn't pick up
THAT is an action of self love.
**** him-hes not your problem any more. he will move on to his next hostage so long as you keep the chains off of you and act to love yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 319
It sounds to me like what he’s doing is “splitting”. This is where you are either wonderful, or being torn down/ torn apart (black/ white thinking) When you are on the receiving end of the negative splitting, it can be absolutely brutal. You cannot change the person’s perceptions when they get like this, this is a deeply rooted and ingrained way of thinking, and it takes *a lot* of self awareness and willingness to change, very intensive therapy, for there to be any hope of this getting better. At age 51, I think what you see is what you get, this is just what you’re going to be dealing with.
Never mind the substance abuse on top of everything else. Xanax has very similar affects on the body as alcohol, which is why it’s know as “alcohol in a pill”, so that’s going to be another thing you will be dealing with if you keep contact with this guy.
Hang in there, there really is wisdom and healing in no contact. So much great info and knowledge out there. It’s just hard to assimilate and have it stick if you’re constantly being triggered when having this abusive bs being dumped on you, when you keep accepting contact from someone like this, you know? There might be some “good” peppered in, but the next incident and crazy making contact is always just around the corner..
Never mind the substance abuse on top of everything else. Xanax has very similar affects on the body as alcohol, which is why it’s know as “alcohol in a pill”, so that’s going to be another thing you will be dealing with if you keep contact with this guy.
Hang in there, there really is wisdom and healing in no contact. So much great info and knowledge out there. It’s just hard to assimilate and have it stick if you’re constantly being triggered when having this abusive bs being dumped on you, when you keep accepting contact from someone like this, you know? There might be some “good” peppered in, but the next incident and crazy making contact is always just around the corner..
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I am welling up with tears and feel so bad ignoring his call.
ok,this has to change. it's a phone call. you are not the 911 call center, so it's not like you are ignoring a person trapped under their car in a ditch!
NONE of us have to answer every single stinking phone call we receive before the second ring! that's why God made voicemail!
having the ability to make a phone is not an act of love.
not answering a phone call is not an act of meanness or spite.
we are not the center of the known universe and neither are they.
ok,this has to change. it's a phone call. you are not the 911 call center, so it's not like you are ignoring a person trapped under their car in a ditch!
NONE of us have to answer every single stinking phone call we receive before the second ring! that's why God made voicemail!
having the ability to make a phone is not an act of love.
not answering a phone call is not an act of meanness or spite.
we are not the center of the known universe and neither are they.
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