HardLessons

He knew the two of you were going for a swim

He knows where the pool is

He drove to your house you weren't there I would have driven to the pool & looked for your car or looked for you. He would have found you - you were at the pool!

bluelight44

Trailmix-
as to the swimming debacle. In his mind we always had plans for saturday, which was both of our understanding. To his credit he never balks out on plans. When I texted in called in the morning and then called twice- when he did pick up and said "what are you stalking me?" I said- " I was just worried since I didn't hear from you" -- This is what made him SO mad- me saying I was worried. That was a HUGE trigger. He hates that I suppose bc it reinforces what he does not want to look at. and I sound like his mother which he says several times.

After the pool- when I called him, he was already in his car on his way back home. We talked for probably close to 3 hours. Crazy I know. And argued and I tried to defend myself which makes him more irate and reinforce and repeat his points. And then the onslaught of all the times and reasons I am so selfish came back up and he stormed about all of that for a while. The conversation ended up going back to the drinking with well you are ruining the relationship (me) bc I don't like his lifestyle, I don't like the drinking, I just can't be "cool", I am so obsessive, picky, and want to shape him. He said I should go find a Mormon man to shape. And the very end of the conversation he said- It's no wonder I am 42 and never been married... I bet you will be 51 (his age) and still be single. That didn't hurt as much as one might think because I simply don't believe it. But after that we pretty much broke up. Then 2 days later he texted " I miss you terribly and have had an uncontrolable desire to tell you that the past 2 days. I hope you are well." And I responded .. I miss you too....

It is true I am SO stuck on the swimming debacle bc I know in his mind it is SO clear that I f***ed up, that I did something so hurtful and that I was SO wrong. He sees no other way. We honestly argued about it for probably 30 min last night.

bluelight44

Exactly! That's what I would have done too! I would have been thinking well I didn't text her on my way... maybe she just went off to the pool.... He knows where the pool is. He said when we talked last night that he figured I was at the pool. I said why didn't you come by? He said ******** don't put the blame on me. This was all YOU!!!!!


Thank you all! this really is helping to tease this out.

bluelight44

[QUOTE=AnvilheadII;7248088]i may have missed, but you are how old again? you sound very young and naive and caught up in a Harlequin Romance novel view, not real life.

I'm not that young- 42. I know I sound like a naive girl who needs to grow up. I guess I am caught up in the initial state/ feelings of the relationship. At one point we both thought we were such a match for each other... I am caught up in that fairy tale. I don't know why I didn't walk away sooner when this behavior started... I wanted to believe him when he would say have patience, I am going to get better, I've got the naltrexone now- have patience. So I got more involved and buying into those words thinking it was possible and that he wanted to change.

PuzzledHeart

My sister was convinced, CONVINCED that pot and coffee enemas cured cancer.

The crazy part was that I, armed with scientific arguments, actually engaged in multiple conversations that tried to show her otherwise. After the fifteen millionth time, I finally got a clue and shut up about it.

Of course, she could probably say the same thing.

Ariesagain

My, I’m posty today...sorry.

There’s a concept in law that I think applies to good relationships: a “good faith” contract. In relationships you have two separate human beings...ergo, at some point or another, you’re going to majorly cheese each other off. (For example, I have an absolutely wonderful husband but yesterday he came extremely close to having an avocado smashed over his head.)

Point is, when you have a relationship that’s based in good faith, you both buy into the reality that stuff is going to happen, but that you will work it out. You don’t go looking for reasons to be pissed off. You don’t keep score. You don’t spend a bunch of energy trying to be right and proving the other person wrong. And a lot of times, you just get over yourself because the big picture is more important than one lousy underripe avocado. You squabble, you make up, you get on with life.

Your guy is all about who wins and he’s fine with making you miserable to do it. And he will never, ever let it go. Exhausting, yes?

While you are scrambling around wasting your one precious life trying to appease this guy, you just might be missing out on a different guy who wants to hand you good faith on a silver platter.

suki44883

O.M.G.!!! What an a**hole! This is what you will be dealing with if you stay in this relationship. It is every bit as bad as the drinking! He is a narcissist! PLEASE stay far away from him.

trailmix

Yes, as many have pointed out and Puzzledheart just put so succintly, trying to convince him that he had any part in the swimming debacle is no different than him trying to get you to see it was all your fault.

He will not back down, he believes what he is saying and no logic by you or anyone else will change that. He thinks differently.
You have a problem with his drinking, he doesn't.

trailmix

Aries, I'm posty today too!

So true what you said about good-faith. When you are with someone and there is love and respect, you act in good-faith, you look at the other and their actions with good-faith.

I see none of that here. I see anger and accusations and him wanting you to behave a certain way and perhaps you wanting to try to fix him and make him see "sense"?

Unless you are willing to go along with all that, how do you propose to continue this relationship?

dandylion

bluelight….I really do hope that you will consider doing the exercise that will help you to begin to validate your own truth more than the barbs from a narcissist who has no empathy and no respect for you...….
And...make that poster, too.....
all intended to validate you, and help you to be proactive for your Self!

suki44883

I have read enough about this guy to know that, even if he never drank another drop, you would still be miserable if you stayed with him.

bluelight44

Thank you all. This forum and you all are SO helpful!

Dandelion- Thank you. I will do that exercise. I already started writing out every upsetting tantrum and mean things he has said to me. And that was effective. Funny thing when I said last night that I am done with being in the target of his tantrums and anger he asked what have i said that is mean.. and my computer couldn't open the document I wrote it all out on! Ah so better to write on paper.

And one more thing to share...
the crazy thing he said last night- he admitted he has anger/ animosity towards me because he is pissed I didn't turn out the be the girl he wanted me to be! And I asked and what / who is that you wanted? He said I thought you were IT. You fit the mold. I thought you weren't going to be the one.. can't you just be cool. And this is after he came over the other day and told me he is the one who needs to be cool, not me.. I'm so sorry...... anyways I am rambling. It is clear he is not loving or capable of a positive relationship.

dandylion

blueligth...put That one on the list, too!

bluelight44

And one more thing to share...
the crazy thing he said last night- he admitted he has anger/ animosity towards me because he is pissed I didn't turn out the be the girl he wanted me to be! And I asked and what / who is that you wanted? He said I thought you were IT. You fit the mold. I thought you weren't going to be the one.. can't you just be cool. And this is after he came over the other day and told me he is the one who needs to be cool, not me.. I'm so sorry...... anyways I am rambling. It is clear he is not loving or capable of a positive relationship.[/QUOTE]

I think deep down he is pissed at himself that he can't be in a healthy relationship. I know he wants to have a life partner so so much, and I am sure somewhere inside he is so torn up. He really thought I was made for him. And I adored him... He would say sweet things that I think were genuine- like if I were to create my ideal woman, you are it. Breaks my heart...

Ariesagain

suki44883

Pffftt... All said to hopefully make you start second guessing yourself and start thinking that he is right...maybe it is ALL YOUR FAULT!

Ariesagain

trailmix

Well you probably went easy on him to start with? Those first few shocking snaps at dinner? Did you say, excuse me? Are you talking to me like that?

No, your eyes welled up with tears.

That's who he wants, someone who will say nothing about his drinking, who will listen to him talk for hours, when he feels like it. Who will wait around until he is ready to do whatever you have planned.

You aren't that person.

Sure, you may be right that he wants to be in a long term relationship. Who, who! could put up with this for years.

I can tell you are a really compassionate person (and he can too).

You know another thing, some people just deal with people like he does with you. If he wants to talk to you he isn't thinking, she and I can have a civil talk and I will listen to her opinion. No, he is just going to keep yelling at you until you agree and if you won't, well what, he ends the conversation in a huff.

Let's say you were put out for some reason. Would you yell and rant at him? No, hopefully you would have a conversation about how xyz affected you and you could come to some kind of resolution.

He is not looking for your opinion and his only resolution is you agreeing with him.

This is how some people get their way. They don't want to negotiate, they don't want to converse, they want it their way and there is no - more bees with honey - in their vocabulary - just do it.

suki44883

This should tell you all you need to know. Probably the only honest thing he has said. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

trailmix

Yes brilliant. This list thing works really well. I dated a narcissist once and went no contact.

I made that list. I didn't want to, I thought this is going to be painful but you know it didn't. When you see it, when you review it - well that stops you ruminating on all the "wonderful" parts pretty quick.

Basically I emailed him and said - I think we shouldn't talk for a while. I never heard from him again (yay!).

Now, this was not easy, this is someone I was in contact with a lot and I was almost fearful as this was the second break up (everyone gets one chance, a mistake can be made - but just one - that's a good boundary to have btw I think).

Anyhoo! The first break up was hugely painful, I won't go in to details but I mean hugely. So with the second breakup, even though I had hugely detached and said ok you can leave now, I didn't want to go through that pain again, we continued to talk/text pretty much daily.

So I started with that one day. Shaky. But I realized, as someone told me, he wasn't dead, I could actually call him if I really wanted to. Now, those first few days I really did want to but at the same time really didn't want to, tough going. Sometimes I would have to take it a few minutes at a time or an hour at a time, until that feeling of wanting to contact him passed. I kept myself busy, talking to people, watching action movies (not my norm but they are easy to watch, don't have to follow the story over-much). Hard to concentrate but when I would find my mind bouncing back I would draw it back to whatever I was doing.

I found that housework and physical stuff like that didn't work well for me. I can scrub counters and still be thinking a lot. On the other hand walking I found good for clearing the mind and lifting my mood.

I could now care less where he is or what he is doing. It took maybe a couple of weeks or three? I cut him out when I realized he still had the power to hurt me and in no way was he trustworthy enough to be in that position. You have to protect yourself.