sheepherder

I've been trying to be calm. I know I didn't cause it, can't control him and can't cure him. Going to some al-anon meetings. Gray rocking at times. Meditation/prayer. Concentrating on me. Detach, detach.

And still...it's so very painful. To me, it feels so unnecessarily painful. I find myself sobbing alone in the car. I feel I'm making a little bit of progress on me, but at the same time, I feel like I'm slowly being destroyed watching him go downhill. I know, detach, detach. It shouldn't be a surprise to me that he's not sober or honest or recovering. And yet...ouch.

In my brain, I get it. He can choose to drink if he wants to. Don't react. If he wants to hurt himself, oh, well. It's all up to him. If he wants to be a drunken fool, so be it. It's not my problem. It's HIS problem.

Today when I got home, he was very very drunk. He was chatting with me about his day/the news/normal stuff as if I couldn't tell he was totally plastered. I said nothing. I let it go. "That's nice. I think I'll go feed the cats," etc.

Yet when he left for work (still quite drunk -- i don't know why he doesn't get fired -- he gets a ride as I have put the car back in storage), I broke down and cried. Should it be this painful? I feel so bottled up inside when I'm home with him. So very discouraged.

I get it. He doesn't want to stop. But it's like my heart is screaming, "Nooooooo. Stop, please stop. For the love of God, please stop hurting yourself."

Why can I logically understand with my head, but my heart is so very sensitive? I certainly didn't think it would be easy, but I hoped it wouldn't be quite this hurtful. Sigh.

BlownOne

The heart and the mind are often at war with each other. They view things very differently. It's hard to listen to the mind when the heart wants what it wants. And vice versa. What you're going thru is normal. It's the nature of love, and pain. Just keep getting it out. Venting helps. That's why we're here. I know it's hard. Hugs to you.

dandylion

sheepherder.....it is harder when you are living in the midst of it. Two things make it more tolerable (not totally painless)…..and, that is Time away from it...and Space (distance from it). In short--Time and Space....

Another thing about detachment...as I see it--it is intended as a tool to buy you a little space, so that you can collect your thoughts and get some mental clarity.....I don't see it as a cure for a bad marriage or something that will stop the alcoholic's behaviors. It is just one tool, among many to assist the partner of the alcoholic.
A hammer is a great tool...but, one can't build a whole house with just a hammer.
People have different levels of tolerance for what behavior they can tolerate and live with. What is o.k. for one person, might be unthinkable for another person. For some people, just having a warm body in the house is all they seem to need...
for me...having lived in a house with an alcoholic...I would rather live in a refridgerator box, under a bridge.....but, that is me...…

Never underestimate how much the immediate environment has on a person's mental and physical health......

trailmix

Maybe it's talking to you, not him.

AnvilheadII

^^^^^ = deep!

sheepherder

oh. I didn't realize......Sigh x 10.

Dazedandconfus

SmallButMighty

I'm sorry you are in so much pain sheepherder. I've been there I remember it well. Sometimes I felt like it would literally crush me.

What Dandy said is so true. I could not get well when I was living neck deep in the chaos day in and day out. Detachment helped but it did not fix the problems. I began taking mini holidays by myself away from AXH. Those little trips all by myself, and the relief I would feel being away from him, was enough for me to understand that being WITH him was unhealthy for ME. No matter what his issues were(and still are) it was OK for me to decide to take care of my own health.

I had developed a terrible anxiety disorder. I couldn't eat or sleep properly. I had to take medication just to (barely) function. The day after I moved into my own place the anxiety stopped. I've never had to take another pill since. I've never had another anxiety or panic attack either. I think that's pretty telling.

I also LOVE what Trailmix said. Maybe those feelings you are having actually are your instincts trying to make you take care of YOU. I hope you spend some time considering if that is indeed the case...or at least part of it.

*hugs* for you, I know this is really tough stuff.

LovePeaceSushi

This resonates with me. It's so easy to see, but they can't see the forest for the trees.

It's my job to educate my daughter and keep her from doing something that would put herself in harm's way. I am having to reprogram myself with my husband (who has Stage 1 cirrhosis) and remind myself that he is a grown man. 10 years my senior, even. He is capable of making those choices for himself.

Doesn't mean that your heart just turns off, though. ((hugs))

LifeRecovery

Sheepherder-

I found the stage you are talking about when I was using detachment, some of the most painful times for me.

For me it was because I was stepping out of my denial of trying to not see what my exAH was doing and I was feeling. Detachment gave me some space, gave me some room to come out of denial and it felt worse before I started to get better.

FallenAngelina

I don't mean to be glib, but sincerely asking: Why do you live with him?

sheepherder

Good question. It's mainly because I remember who he was, even though I honestly don't think that person exists now. (I am not wearing those rose-colored glasses. He was a good man for the first 25-ish years.)

To be truthful, I keep hoping and hoping to see a glimpse of him somewhere, anywhere, thinking, "Maybe one day he'll come back. He'll go back on the right path. He knows what our/his life was like before. How can he just give it all up for alcohol?"

But sadly, he does, like so many other alcoholics, I know. Silly these thoughts of mine, I know. He's free to drink himself to death, I know. It makes it all that more depressing to watch him.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, as they say.

One day I will get around to writing our story here. It's too difficult at the moment. Sigh.

tomsteve

To be truthful, I keep hoping and hoping to see a glimpse of him somewhere, anywhere, thinking, "Maybe one day he'll come back. He'll go back on the right path. He knows what our/his life was like before. How can he just give it all up for alcohol?"

this answers your original question of
why can my head understand but not my heart?

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems
today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some
person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life
—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until
I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being
exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world
by mistake. unless I accept life completely
on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concen-
trate not so much on what needs to be changed in the
world as on what needs to be changed in me and in
my attitudes.

Glenjo99

"The rational brain cannot abolish emotions, sensations or thoughts. Understanding why you feel a certain way does not change how you feel it".

From "The body keeps the score" book by vessel can der kolk.

Misha10

Dazedandconfus