New here and struggling with ABF
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Join Date: Aug 2019
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New here and struggling with ABF
This is my first time posting here, and I have to say this forum has been such a savior in this incredibly difficult time knowing there are others out there going through the same thing. I met my ABF 5 months ago and our connection was so deep, soul level and we felt like we were completely meant for each other. I saw the drinking early on and he shared about it, but always says it's under control bc he drinks a lot less than he used to. I am heart broken because there have been repeated episodes of him getting triggered by the littlest, benign things I say or do which results in him getting irate and yelling at me (projecting) and telling me how I am this or that... and that everything is my fault. I know this isn't true, but it still stings so much. Another episode happened yesterday just 2 days after he came over and deeply apologized, in tears and acknowledged that it is all he who is the problem and not me. I mailed him a letter in the mail a few days be fore that saying I love him deeply but I cannot be on the receiving end of his anger and aggression anymore. If he chooses to get help, I will be by his side. I think the letter helped him reflect and he said he didn't want to loose me. I know my staying in this relationship is not healthy for me or even him and that my going back to it shows I myself am in a bit of a co-dependent pattern/ in denial. But I love him so deeply and my heart is so broken that the man I love yells at me and emotionally abuses me. The last episode I think has resulted in us breaking up. I feel like I do not have the strength to stand by my words of I can't be with a drinker. I always seem to crack and want to go back into his arms. I am really struggling.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
Honestly, loving him will not bring love into your life. If he's verbally abusive it's domestic abuse. He doesn't have to lay a hand on you for it to be abusive. If he has a history of drinking... Run. It's NOT for you to fix or solve. There are plenty of men out there who would never raise their voice to you, have no addiction issues... Why are you holding tight to this one? Just because you have feelings for him.. Love yourself first.
Sorry this may be blunt.. But I wished to god somebody had the gall to say this to me years ago when I met my EXAH. He NEVER turned out OK.. I adored him. He was deeply loved... But it wasn't enough.
Ask yourself why you're holding on..
Sorry this may be blunt.. But I wished to god somebody had the gall to say this to me years ago when I met my EXAH. He NEVER turned out OK.. I adored him. He was deeply loved... But it wasn't enough.
Ask yourself why you're holding on..
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Location: Boston
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I feel like I do not have the strength to stand by my words of I can't be with a drinker.
Understood. So how about having the strength to not be with someone who is verbally abusive?
Drinking doesn't make people abusive, they might be abusive drunks or passive drunks. So don't conflate the two.
...my going back to it shows I myself am in a bit of a co-dependent pattern/ in denial.
That's an excellent insight....and a good sentence to bring to a counselor or an AlAnon meeting and launch a program of self-exploration and discovery. As you get to know yourself better and become friendly with yourself you will not tolerate a crappy relationship ever again.
Glad you're here!!
Peace,
B.
Understood. So how about having the strength to not be with someone who is verbally abusive?
Drinking doesn't make people abusive, they might be abusive drunks or passive drunks. So don't conflate the two.
...my going back to it shows I myself am in a bit of a co-dependent pattern/ in denial.
That's an excellent insight....and a good sentence to bring to a counselor or an AlAnon meeting and launch a program of self-exploration and discovery. As you get to know yourself better and become friendly with yourself you will not tolerate a crappy relationship ever again.
Glad you're here!!
Peace,
B.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
“I know my staying in this relationship is not healthy for me.”
This says it all. 100%.
This forum & the people here saved my life. It’s such an excruciating process. But you will find your way to a healthier you... if that’s what you truly want, whenever you’re ready.
I learned alcoholism & addiction don’t necessarily turn someone abusive. I originally confused... merged... & justified the two in my mind. My ex girlfriend was verbally abusive... and she drank... drank a lot.
Abuse goes BEYOND addiction so there’s a lot more you need to do to protect yourself emotionally & physically. People here will provide channels of support for you.
Abuse doesn’t get better.
I’m glad you had the courage to write your first post. You are very brave. Don’t let him or anyone destroy your heart & self esteem.
You may hate what I’m about to say... because it hurts... but do everything in your power to go NC (no contact) immediately and seek support.
This says it all. 100%.
This forum & the people here saved my life. It’s such an excruciating process. But you will find your way to a healthier you... if that’s what you truly want, whenever you’re ready.
I learned alcoholism & addiction don’t necessarily turn someone abusive. I originally confused... merged... & justified the two in my mind. My ex girlfriend was verbally abusive... and she drank... drank a lot.
Abuse goes BEYOND addiction so there’s a lot more you need to do to protect yourself emotionally & physically. People here will provide channels of support for you.
Abuse doesn’t get better.
I’m glad you had the courage to write your first post. You are very brave. Don’t let him or anyone destroy your heart & self esteem.
You may hate what I’m about to say... because it hurts... but do everything in your power to go NC (no contact) immediately and seek support.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
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I’m so sorry you’re going through this...
I hope you will spend some time reading back through old threads here. You will see how many people here have gone through exactly this...it’s textbook. The mad whirlwind romance, the “instant connection,” meant to be....while those things can happen in a healthy relationship, they’re far more common in an addict...they’ve got issues, serious issues, so they have to try that much harder to be Prince Charming so people don’t figure it out until they’re in deep. One of my exes told me he loved me on our second date...he suggested we move in together after a month. That’s not normal or healthy.
It will not get better. You can stand on your head, bend over backwards, and walk on water but it’s going to be pretty much downhill from here. He will continue to drink and continue to take it out on you.
Here are some things you will be giving up if you stay with him:
-Having a partner you can rely on. Drinking will always come before you.
-Financial security...alcohol is expensive and the life consequences (job loss, DUIs, legal fees) are more so.
-Emotional security. He will start to disappear and leave you hanging with no idea of his whereabouts.
- Having a family. He’s not capable of being any kind of a parent.
- Peace of mind. It’s a roller coaster and it only gets harder and harder to get down off the ride.
You’ve only known him five months. You don’t have ties financially or legally, yet.
Please, walk away.
I hope you will spend some time reading back through old threads here. You will see how many people here have gone through exactly this...it’s textbook. The mad whirlwind romance, the “instant connection,” meant to be....while those things can happen in a healthy relationship, they’re far more common in an addict...they’ve got issues, serious issues, so they have to try that much harder to be Prince Charming so people don’t figure it out until they’re in deep. One of my exes told me he loved me on our second date...he suggested we move in together after a month. That’s not normal or healthy.
It will not get better. You can stand on your head, bend over backwards, and walk on water but it’s going to be pretty much downhill from here. He will continue to drink and continue to take it out on you.
Here are some things you will be giving up if you stay with him:
-Having a partner you can rely on. Drinking will always come before you.
-Financial security...alcohol is expensive and the life consequences (job loss, DUIs, legal fees) are more so.
-Emotional security. He will start to disappear and leave you hanging with no idea of his whereabouts.
- Having a family. He’s not capable of being any kind of a parent.
- Peace of mind. It’s a roller coaster and it only gets harder and harder to get down off the ride.
You’ve only known him five months. You don’t have ties financially or legally, yet.
Please, walk away.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 73
Thank you all for your comments. They are so helpful as I am literally struggling right now trying so hard to NOT call him. I know I need to go no contact. He twists things up so much that I am feeling like I caused the last episode and thus break up. We made plans on saturday, but he never told me what time frame to expect him. I texted and called in the morning, which resulted in him getting very mad at me for "blowing his phone up on a saturday morning". So even though we hadn't yet agreed on a time to meet, I did not call or text him again after that so as to not make him even more angry. Hours roll by and he stills hasn't contacted me, so I decide to go for a swim in the neighborhood pool (as I earlier proposed we could do together). he arrives at my house while I am at the pool (phone not in hand) and he is irate that I am not home, that I did not text him where I was and that he has to wait for me. I had been waiting for hours for him with no eta. I call him as soon as I got his message but he said too late I am already driving home (50 min away). He takes no responsibility for chewing me out on the phone in the morning and not calling when he was on his way, like he normally does. It was all my fault. And I am sitting here wishing I had sent him a message that I went for a swim that way we could have spent the time together. I know this is not all my fault, but I am crushed.
I know this is a long story- delving into the minutia. But this scenario and my regrets are totally occupying my mind. I feel like I am going crazy. Thank you to anyone who reads this. I greatly appreciate it!
I know this is a long story- delving into the minutia. But this scenario and my regrets are totally occupying my mind. I feel like I am going crazy. Thank you to anyone who reads this. I greatly appreciate it!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 73
Thank you Ariesagain--
Yes he told me he loved me during our 2nd week of dating. Said it was love at first sight for him, and within 4-6 weeks was always talking about how I should move in with him. Even marriage was a topic in the very beginning. I guess it makes sense- these are charismatic people who are skilled at protecting their addiction.
Yes he told me he loved me during our 2nd week of dating. Said it was love at first sight for him, and within 4-6 weeks was always talking about how I should move in with him. Even marriage was a topic in the very beginning. I guess it makes sense- these are charismatic people who are skilled at protecting their addiction.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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That would be Exhibit A in “not having a partner you can rely on,” yes?
You’re already twisting yourself in knots and trying not to do perfectly reasonable things so that he won’t get angry. THIS IS NOT NORMAL.
You’re not allowed to call him in the morning? That’s not normal.
You’re supposed to read his mind about your plans together? No.
You’re responsible for him chewing you out? NONONO.
Please. Run. There are so many things wrong here and you’re already walking on eggshells trying to appease his temper.
RUN.
You’re already twisting yourself in knots and trying not to do perfectly reasonable things so that he won’t get angry. THIS IS NOT NORMAL.
You’re not allowed to call him in the morning? That’s not normal.
You’re supposed to read his mind about your plans together? No.
You’re responsible for him chewing you out? NONONO.
Please. Run. There are so many things wrong here and you’re already walking on eggshells trying to appease his temper.
RUN.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
The other day I was thinking... the # of years dating or living with an alcoholic are similar & equivalent to “dog years”...you know = x7 years!!...not to be sarcastic... they are just that painful, heartbreaking, excruciating. They are also that difficult to heal from.
So... your 4-5 month relationship = 3 years of pain concentrated.
Point being, it only gets worse as time goes on. The rabbit hole gets bigger & bigger... most keep sinking so deep the horrendous climb back up grows more & more difficult.
We don’t have to live in dogs years.
We can make better choices to save yourselves from abuse and toxic, addictive relationships.
So... your 4-5 month relationship = 3 years of pain concentrated.
Point being, it only gets worse as time goes on. The rabbit hole gets bigger & bigger... most keep sinking so deep the horrendous climb back up grows more & more difficult.
We don’t have to live in dogs years.
We can make better choices to save yourselves from abuse and toxic, addictive relationships.
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Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by bluelight44 
This is my first time posting here, and I have to say this forum has been such a savior in this incredibly difficult time knowing there are others out there going through the same thing. I met my ABF 5 months ago and our connection was so deep, soul level and we felt like we were completely meant for each other. I saw the drinking early on and he shared about it, but always says it's under control bc he drinks a lot less than he used to. I am heart broken because there have been repeated episodes of him getting triggered by the littlest, benign things I say or do which results in him getting irate and yelling at me (projecting) and telling me how I am this or that... and that everything is my fault. I know this isn't true, but it still stings so much. Another episode happened yesterday just 2 days after he came over and deeply apologized, in tears and acknowledged that it is all he who is the problem and not me. I mailed him a letter in the mail a few days be fore that saying I love him deeply but I cannot be on the receiving end of his anger and aggression anymore. If he chooses to get help, I will be by his side. I think the letter helped him reflect and he said he didn't want to loose me. I know my staying in this relationship is not healthy for me or even him and that my going back to it shows I myself am in a bit of a co-dependent pattern/ in denial. But I love him so deeply and my heart is so broken that the man I love yells at me and emotionally abuses me. The last episode I think has resulted in us breaking up. I feel like I do not have the strength to stand by my words of I can't be with a drinker. I always seem to crack and want to go back into his arms. I am really struggling.
I just broke.up with my ABF 2 months ago. We were together for a year. I thought he would get better and I coukd help him. I quickly learned this:
1) with addicts even if they quit.they transfer their addiction to something else. Mine switched to pot. I've heard stories of some getting into sex addiction.
2) you don't know who he is sober. It took me breaking up with my ABF to realize that I may not even of loved him sober. I'm pretty sure I fell in love with his drunk side. He hit me up after 2 months of no contact. Drunk it was back to the way it was. The next day sober he didn't remember and didnt mean what he said..... Consider if you really know who he is.
3) even if he gets help, he shouldn't be in a relationship for a year after recovery.
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Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by bluelight44
This is my first time posting here, and I have to say this forum has been such a savior in this incredibly difficult time knowing there are others out there going through the same thing. I met my ABF 5 months ago and our connection was so deep, soul level and we felt like we were completely meant for each other. I saw the drinking early on and he shared about it, but always says it's under control bc he drinks a lot less than he used to. I am heart broken because there have been repeated episodes of him getting triggered by the littlest, benign things I say or do which results in him getting irate and yelling at me (projecting) and telling me how I am this or that... and that everything is my fault. I know this isn't true, but it still stings so much. Another episode happened yesterday just 2 days after he came over and deeply apologized, in tears and acknowledged that it is all he who is the problem and not me. I mailed him a letter in the mail a few days be fore that saying I love him deeply but I cannot be on the receiving end of his anger and aggression anymore. If he chooses to get help, I will be by his side. I think the letter helped him reflect and he said he didn't want to loose me. I know my staying in this relationship is not healthy for me or even him and that my going back to it shows I myself am in a bit of a co-dependent pattern/ in denial. But I love him so deeply and my heart is so broken that the man I love yells at me and emotionally abuses me. The last episode I think has resulted in us breaking up. I feel like I do not have the strength to stand by my words of I can't be with a drinker. I always seem to crack and want to go back into his arms. I am really struggling.
https://www.njohnshorejr.com/2017/12/break-man-love-hes-alcoholic/.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
Oh, my dear friend. I am not an old timer on this forum. There are much wiser souls than myself when it comes to dealing with alcoholics, and many of them are here helping the rest of us.
I do know more than a little about abusers, and this man checks every box. The story about getting mad at you for texting him, but then blaming you for leaving without telling him when and where you’d be gone? He created unwinnable situation for you, and managed to make you feel responsible and guilty.
I have not actually seen the handbook they pass out to these assholes the first time they commit themselves to a life of slowly destroying their female partners, but I’m pretty sure this is somewhere in the first chapter.
I totally understand that pull to reach out because of the glittery magic you feel. The only way this kind of terrible human being can rope in a victim is really honing that special, romantic, connected experience right out the gate. Otherwise, no one would ever stick around. I have been there (not actually my alcoholic ex, the last serious one before him). 10 years later I still have fond memories of that sparkle. But then half a second later the reality comes to mind and I shudder.
For the love of yourself, I agree with everyone else that you need to run. I am going into recommend that you read “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft. He does a beautiful job of deconstructing this kind of man and how and why they do what they do. If you don’t see your XBF in the pages of that book, I will eat my shoe.
I do know more than a little about abusers, and this man checks every box. The story about getting mad at you for texting him, but then blaming you for leaving without telling him when and where you’d be gone? He created unwinnable situation for you, and managed to make you feel responsible and guilty.
I have not actually seen the handbook they pass out to these assholes the first time they commit themselves to a life of slowly destroying their female partners, but I’m pretty sure this is somewhere in the first chapter.
I totally understand that pull to reach out because of the glittery magic you feel. The only way this kind of terrible human being can rope in a victim is really honing that special, romantic, connected experience right out the gate. Otherwise, no one would ever stick around. I have been there (not actually my alcoholic ex, the last serious one before him). 10 years later I still have fond memories of that sparkle. But then half a second later the reality comes to mind and I shudder.
For the love of yourself, I agree with everyone else that you need to run. I am going into recommend that you read “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft. He does a beautiful job of deconstructing this kind of man and how and why they do what they do. If you don’t see your XBF in the pages of that book, I will eat my shoe.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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bluelight, welcome to SR, glad you found us.
I don't know that I have ever seen so many suggestions to "run" in one thread in such a short period of time!
Regardless, that is solid advice.
I am going to guess that right now if he called you, you would be hopping in your car and zooming over there so he can apologize? Or not? depending on his mood, I mean after all he didn't really mean it right and you should have texted at the RIGHT time - which is some mysterious time deemed by him where he won't get mad at you?
You will never be happy with him, never, you will never get anything good out of this relationship. If for no other reason, the fact that you have only known him 5 months and already his behaviour has disintegrated to this level, he couldn't even hold it together for a year!
This will not improve. Please trust me on this. Anyone who can treat someone like that is not going to have some magical personality change.
Please also read about intermediate reinforcement:
https://tealswan.com/resources/artic...tionship-r210/
What he is putting you through is abuse, he probably is sorry, however, is he sorry because he hurt YOU or sorry because he hurt HIMSELF because you were upset with him? I'm going to guess he is generally very selfish?
You have invested 20 weeks with this guy, you don't need to stick around to fix him or his life and in fact you absolutely can't.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
Drinking is not even this guys biggest problem. Which came first, the chicken or the egg. Is he a jerk because he drinks or does he drink because he has all these other problems he is trying to cover and smooth over and escape from? Let's say he chose to get help for alcoholism today. You don't even know the sober him, at all. Even on days when he's not drinking, he's not truly "sober".
Run.
If you decide not to run (and I truly hope you do), don't be embarrassed to keep posting by the way, you will need a forum.
I don't know that I have ever seen so many suggestions to "run" in one thread in such a short period of time!
Regardless, that is solid advice.
I am going to guess that right now if he called you, you would be hopping in your car and zooming over there so he can apologize? Or not? depending on his mood, I mean after all he didn't really mean it right and you should have texted at the RIGHT time - which is some mysterious time deemed by him where he won't get mad at you?
You will never be happy with him, never, you will never get anything good out of this relationship. If for no other reason, the fact that you have only known him 5 months and already his behaviour has disintegrated to this level, he couldn't even hold it together for a year!
This will not improve. Please trust me on this. Anyone who can treat someone like that is not going to have some magical personality change.
Please also read about intermediate reinforcement:
https://tealswan.com/resources/artic...tionship-r210/
What he is putting you through is abuse, he probably is sorry, however, is he sorry because he hurt YOU or sorry because he hurt HIMSELF because you were upset with him? I'm going to guess he is generally very selfish?
You have invested 20 weeks with this guy, you don't need to stick around to fix him or his life and in fact you absolutely can't.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
Drinking is not even this guys biggest problem. Which came first, the chicken or the egg. Is he a jerk because he drinks or does he drink because he has all these other problems he is trying to cover and smooth over and escape from? Let's say he chose to get help for alcoholism today. You don't even know the sober him, at all. Even on days when he's not drinking, he's not truly "sober".
Run.
If you decide not to run (and I truly hope you do), don't be embarrassed to keep posting by the way, you will need a forum.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Originally Posted by Zevin
Run away as fast as you can. Delete and block his calls and texts.
It will NOT GET BETTER.
Wishing you much wisdom and peace on this matter.
It will NOT GET BETTER.
Wishing you much wisdom and peace on this matter.
This early time in a relationship is supposed to be the "honeymoon period " when people show their best side, bond, etc.
Not much of a best side showing from him. Many red flags. Abuse and alcoholism are not the same.
This is abuse and it will only escalate.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 73
Thank you all for your supportive words. I know I should run and not look back.... and I have not heard from him- nor have I called him.
Back to last Saturday- he was mad that I didn't text or say the right things when I called. He said I should have just been cool and said, hey babe when can I expect you. Instead I said bring shorts if you want to swim and I then told him since I didn't hear back from my text for over an hour or from my first call-- I was worried. He got infuriated that I was worried. (truly since he drinks liquor every day- I am worried about his health. He is 51 and has signs of poor health) He usually is responsive and likes to call me. So I was worried. I don't think we have spent one day together where he hasn't been drinking. And I know he is much much meaner in the mornings when he is feeling crappy.
I saw the signs of his aggressive behavior very early on- he would snap at me at a restaurant and I literally had to hold back my tears-- this is on one of our first few dates. I am ordering the book- Why Does He Do That. I think you all are right that he is probably a very mean aggressive person sober as well. He has been sober 2x. Last time about a year before we met. He struggles with depression, possibly even bi-polar, and has deep unresolved issues about his mother that he clearly (and admits) throws on to me.
This forum and all of your supportive words have really helped. I was able to stop crying last night and have a good night sleep. I am thanking you all immensely.
Back to last Saturday- he was mad that I didn't text or say the right things when I called. He said I should have just been cool and said, hey babe when can I expect you. Instead I said bring shorts if you want to swim and I then told him since I didn't hear back from my text for over an hour or from my first call-- I was worried. He got infuriated that I was worried. (truly since he drinks liquor every day- I am worried about his health. He is 51 and has signs of poor health) He usually is responsive and likes to call me. So I was worried. I don't think we have spent one day together where he hasn't been drinking. And I know he is much much meaner in the mornings when he is feeling crappy.
I saw the signs of his aggressive behavior very early on- he would snap at me at a restaurant and I literally had to hold back my tears-- this is on one of our first few dates. I am ordering the book- Why Does He Do That. I think you all are right that he is probably a very mean aggressive person sober as well. He has been sober 2x. Last time about a year before we met. He struggles with depression, possibly even bi-polar, and has deep unresolved issues about his mother that he clearly (and admits) throws on to me.
This forum and all of your supportive words have really helped. I was able to stop crying last night and have a good night sleep. I am thanking you all immensely.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,631
Originally Posted by bluelight44
I always seem to crack and want to go back into his arms. I am really struggling.
Just wanted to reply to this. How on earth do you fight that urge to go back to this really negative thing.
First of all, think back 5 months, before you met him. What were you up to? Was your life generally happy? Do you work, have hobbies, friends? Whatever makes you happy. If so, there is no reason why you can't have that life again without all this drama.
Life around an alcoholic can be isolating, who has time for friends and family when you are hopping around on coals trying to keep him happy.
If that's the case, reconnect with your friends and family, make an effort to get out with them. Start with the ones you are closest too that you can talk to, meet for dinner perhaps.
Keep busy and keep distracted. Now you don't want to be distracted all the time because you do need to sort this out, but your mind also needs a break from rumination. Read, watch movies or tv, call a friend, go shopping or swimming, whatever you like.
Learn about alcoholism. Not for him, you can't fix him but for yourself, hopefully you will never be in this position again but you aren't going to learn about addiction in school and everyone should have at least a little knowledge about it. There is a wealth of information here at SR in the stickies section at the top of the forum too, you might want to start here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
There is a book often recommended here, Melody Beattie's, Codependent No More. You might find it very helpful. Not saying you are a codependent but there is a lot of very good information about boundaries and relationships.
Most of all, take care of yourself. Eat well, sleep well, get out in the summer sunshine (remember your sunscreen lol). You deserve so much more than being someone's punching bag.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
He snapped making you cry during the first few dates!!???
Hell NO!
The key is absolutely no contact!! Block him 100% from everything. I know it seems unnecessary but let me say... it’s honestly the only way to move forward in a healthy, safe manner. Abusers resurface... to manipulate & control — and that’s when things become even more difficult for the x-partner or codependent. Don’t answer your door if he shows up. If he has a set of your apt keys, change the locks! I’d probably change my locks regardless. Don’t even listen to his blocked voice messages. Permanently erase immediately.
Your safety should be priority #1.
All this may seem extreme but it’s not. Abusive addicts are dangerous, controlling & unpredictable.
Glad you're here!
Hell NO!
The key is absolutely no contact!! Block him 100% from everything. I know it seems unnecessary but let me say... it’s honestly the only way to move forward in a healthy, safe manner. Abusers resurface... to manipulate & control — and that’s when things become even more difficult for the x-partner or codependent. Don’t answer your door if he shows up. If he has a set of your apt keys, change the locks! I’d probably change my locks regardless. Don’t even listen to his blocked voice messages. Permanently erase immediately.
Your safety should be priority #1.
All this may seem extreme but it’s not. Abusive addicts are dangerous, controlling & unpredictable.
Glad you're here!
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