why do they forget us so easily?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by FionnaPerSe 
To be honest, i dont like how in this group everything has to necessarily be about codependency and some deep sh**, as sometimes its very simple actually- we fall in love with someone and have the best intentions but after some time, that someone proves to be someone else (in this case due to his/her illness). And once we ‘get it’, we need time to let it go (of course) and move on with our lives.
Codependency is not necessarily something you go in to a relationship with, I don't think but it is certainly something that can develop and is worth examining (this is not directed at you personally FPS).
I'm not codependent, I have been in abusive relationships (yes, more than one!) I have not done a huge examination of how I ended up there, I'm pretty aware of why I did (now) or more importantly, why I put up with it for as long as I did. The awareness now allows me my independence from said abuse. Independence is perhaps the most important thing.
Anyhoo! I don't have a lot to add to the whole codependency discussion and I'm no codependency expert.
As for stepping in to alcoholic/abusive relationships for reasons that while maybe not nefarious maybe says more about us than anything, or at least that we contribute to our own situations, well we do have free will. I'm not one to blame, I think making the exit (emotionally if not physically) from said relationship is far more important.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
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I have been getting a lot out of this thread and I was sorry to see FPS getting upset. We are all here to offer our experience strength and hope to one another. As they say in Al anon "take what you like and leave the rest"
it would be awful if we all now start "walking on eggshells" as we post here. There has been some really great stuff posted.
but I'm taking a risk here.... The thread seemed to get a bit haywire when someone suggested FPS look at her agenda. The thing is it's very scary to take a deep hard look at ourselves. That's why the addicts in our lives can't look at themselves - they are as scared as we are. We become so focused on why they won't look at themselves that we don't have time to look at ourselves. When the time comes that they are no longer in our lives we are left with a big gaping hole and are then forced to look at ourselves. Unless of course we fill that hole with going over and over the past, keeping the addict as the main focus of our life when physically they are no longer there.
When I react strongly to something I look very hard at it to find out why it pushed my buttons. It's usually a very painful process. I'm striving hard now to work me out rather than to work out my addict husband.
Recovery is not an easy path to choose but since you are here FPS it appears you have chosen it. There is so much wisdom that comes from experience being offered to you on this forum. Some things are not easy to hear, especially if you are not ready to hear them.
Remember we're all here because we love an addict and we're all at different stages. What others offer comes from their own experience, each experience being equally valid.
it would be awful if we all now start "walking on eggshells" as we post here. There has been some really great stuff posted.
but I'm taking a risk here.... The thread seemed to get a bit haywire when someone suggested FPS look at her agenda. The thing is it's very scary to take a deep hard look at ourselves. That's why the addicts in our lives can't look at themselves - they are as scared as we are. We become so focused on why they won't look at themselves that we don't have time to look at ourselves. When the time comes that they are no longer in our lives we are left with a big gaping hole and are then forced to look at ourselves. Unless of course we fill that hole with going over and over the past, keeping the addict as the main focus of our life when physically they are no longer there.
When I react strongly to something I look very hard at it to find out why it pushed my buttons. It's usually a very painful process. I'm striving hard now to work me out rather than to work out my addict husband.
Recovery is not an easy path to choose but since you are here FPS it appears you have chosen it. There is so much wisdom that comes from experience being offered to you on this forum. Some things are not easy to hear, especially if you are not ready to hear them.
Remember we're all here because we love an addict and we're all at different stages. What others offer comes from their own experience, each experience being equally valid.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Every relationship is a sort of "dance".....a collusion between two people.....
If it is a good one....or, not so good....it is still a kind of dance....
Like, in the following link----
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q...02E6&FORM=VIRE
If it is a good one....or, not so good....it is still a kind of dance....
Like, in the following link----
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q...02E6&FORM=VIRE
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Join Date: May 2019
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Great guys, indeed, we dont want to be walking on eggshells while here. That would be awful. Having said that, let us each speak our minds freely at all times. Besides, ill repeat one more time, we can objectively always ONLY tell our own story and our own impressions/opinions, and not impose them on anyone else-that is surely not the point of this forum, neither is endless ‘advice giving’ for the sake of putting people into this or that box. At least for me, that would be completely contra-productive and off-putting. But anyway, im sure everyone means well (including me, that i can assure you <3). Therefore, I wish ye all a fast recovery with the grieving process around the lost relationships! And thanks for your comments- we can all surely learn something from each other! Peace, dear ones! 👌🙏👋
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skipper yes definitely. Which is why im also up for open discussions like these, as they can hopefully help people get rid of the that which is worn out and old and outdated (including attitudes and some more of the ‘boxes’ and dried out ‘definitions’ of this and that and the other), and bring out the “light beneath”instead and some fresh perspectives, so to speak. Amen! ☺️😉🙏
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Originally Posted by FionnaPerSe
... we can objectively always ONLY tell our own story and our own impressions/opinions, and not impose them on anyone else-that is surely not the point of this forum, neither is endless ‘advice giving’ for the sake of putting people into this or that box.
Advice usually falls into one of two camps and that is why we don't offer any in Alanon. A good group will be strict about this and members offer only their "experience, strength and hope" to fellow members. This works within the structure of adherence to the program, working the steps with a sponsor and connecting to the guidance of our higher power. But on this forum, we do offer advice, and lots of it. Many of the posts are personal reflections, but many are definitely more general advice. Advice has a place in an open discussion forum like this. The thing is, unwanted advice that pushes our buttons is perceived as counter-productive, off-putting criticism. Advice that we want to hear is the wisest insight in the world.
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FallenAngelina again, wrong conclusion- i never said that HE took anything away from me, as that cant be further from the truth (except my time and energy of being together of course, but i did take full responsibility for that part)! So, It was me talking about ME. Therefore, Read my post again, please! Also, people may say many things in the heat of the moment, but that doesnt mean you can conclude upon their personality or overall state of mind, nor define them in any way based on that. Besides, you neither know me nor know what processes i have been through so far or what i have worked or have not worked on. So this is all based on pure speculation. On top of all that said, language is also pretty much redundant, which is why i would stick to talking about my own experiences as i suggested to you too! But indeed - you too take what resonates, ok!? 
All the best to you, once more!
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I also think what can be considered just straight up advice here or anywhere can many times have a basis in experience. Although most don't start posts with "in my experience" or "when I was married to an alcoholic" or "my parent was an alcoholic" that doesn't mean that experience isn't there. Also, not everyone on this forum really wants to share their entire lives here.
Back to the topic at hand. I know for a fact I'm not codependent, although I may have a few of the traits, perhaps many do.
Sometimes you will read in the alcoholics forum someone questioning why they are alcoholic. How did I get here, why did I become the person who drinks copious amounts of alcohol and not my neighbour?
Many times you hear people who have experienced this questioning say that they too spent many hours/months asking those same questions and found at the end of the day it didn't matter at all, what mattered is that they stopped drinking.
For me and perhaps for others, I've decided it doesn't really matter why or how I got in to whatever I got in to or how or why I might do some things that negatively impact me (of course I do think about this but it's not my main focus). What matters to me is that I stop doing them or at the very least acknowledge them and be honest about that and work through it that way.
All that said, just as AA works for many Alcoholics and the combined experience of million's who ascribe to AA and the thousands, perhaps millions of those that ascribe to Al-Anon is certainly worth hearing about and I appreciate your posts Angelina and the wealth of experience you bring.
Back to the topic at hand. I know for a fact I'm not codependent, although I may have a few of the traits, perhaps many do.
Sometimes you will read in the alcoholics forum someone questioning why they are alcoholic. How did I get here, why did I become the person who drinks copious amounts of alcohol and not my neighbour?
Many times you hear people who have experienced this questioning say that they too spent many hours/months asking those same questions and found at the end of the day it didn't matter at all, what mattered is that they stopped drinking.
For me and perhaps for others, I've decided it doesn't really matter why or how I got in to whatever I got in to or how or why I might do some things that negatively impact me (of course I do think about this but it's not my main focus). What matters to me is that I stop doing them or at the very least acknowledge them and be honest about that and work through it that way.
All that said, just as AA works for many Alcoholics and the combined experience of million's who ascribe to AA and the thousands, perhaps millions of those that ascribe to Al-Anon is certainly worth hearing about and I appreciate your posts Angelina and the wealth of experience you bring.
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@trailmix i totally resonate with that, especially because I detached from my X as soon as i figured things out and why the things are the way they are. So, i dont consider myself as that deeply affected/‘damaged’ by the whole experience after all, thank God.
But i indeed feel like the DREAM that i had for my life with that particular person is lost and something within me died with that (of course), and so I deeply GRIEVE the loss of my relationship.
Which is the main reason why i am here on this forum too- to learn more about addictive behavior and how it influences lives (especially as i was never in this situation before with ANYONE), & in order to process this grief fully, and put it to rest once and for all.
But i indeed feel like the DREAM that i had for my life with that particular person is lost and something within me died with that (of course), and so I deeply GRIEVE the loss of my relationship.
Which is the main reason why i am here on this forum too- to learn more about addictive behavior and how it influences lives (especially as i was never in this situation before with ANYONE), & in order to process this grief fully, and put it to rest once and for all.
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The first time I got to "the end of my tether" with my husband's drinking, about 12 years ago, a woman I know suggested I go to the local CoDA meeting. My response?
"How dare you suggest I am the one with the problem??!!" I didn't speak to that woman for the next 10 years.
But not long after, I did go to CoDA (because I had run out of options) and came to realise that yes I did have a problem. And all that wonderful wisdom that was shared in that meeting helped me to find a whole new perspective and also helped me to find a way to continue to live with my husband. I learned all about boundaries, expectations, minding my own business and I built my self esteem and emotional independence and learned how to stop being a victim.
Sadly the alcoholism progressed to the point that I decided to leave my husband last year.
I do speak to that woman again now and I have it on my list of amends to make to thank her for that suggestion. She literally saved my life.
"How dare you suggest I am the one with the problem??!!" I didn't speak to that woman for the next 10 years.
But not long after, I did go to CoDA (because I had run out of options) and came to realise that yes I did have a problem. And all that wonderful wisdom that was shared in that meeting helped me to find a whole new perspective and also helped me to find a way to continue to live with my husband. I learned all about boundaries, expectations, minding my own business and I built my self esteem and emotional independence and learned how to stop being a victim.
Sadly the alcoholism progressed to the point that I decided to leave my husband last year.
I do speak to that woman again now and I have it on my list of amends to make to thank her for that suggestion. She literally saved my life.
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