My first post.........my heart hurts......looking for any suggestions
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 22
My first post.........my heart hurts......looking for any suggestions
I just found this website and thank you in advance for your input. I really don’t know where to start. I am mid 40s and my AW and I have been married almost 25 wonderful years. Well 19 wonderful years. The last 6 years my wife has progressively drank more and more. To the point of now it’s a 30 pack of beer per day and she hasn’t gotten out of house in over 2 months. She wanted to go to rehab once and we packed her a bag and made it Into the admin office into to be told that her case wasn’t serious enough. Well it’s serious now and she won’t back. I have looked up high dollar female only rehab clinics but she won’t go. Now she won’t even talk about it. I know I enable her. Hell I even buy her beer for her because listening to her screaming got so bad and I am terrified she will just drive to the store if it don’t. I really don’t know what to do. I have never talked to anyone about this. Would giving her an ultimatum of her stopping drinking or me leaving help? Any advice would be appreciated
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Imissmywife.
Welcome.
Very sorry for your pain, but glad you found us.
I don’t think ultimatums work unless we are going to follow through.
Do you think you can do that? Leave, I mean?
If your wife is willing, maybe medical detox and rehab?
I’m sure others will be along soon to share, but for now, welcome and good thoughts.
Welcome.
Very sorry for your pain, but glad you found us.
I don’t think ultimatums work unless we are going to follow through.
Do you think you can do that? Leave, I mean?
If your wife is willing, maybe medical detox and rehab?
I’m sure others will be along soon to share, but for now, welcome and good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: NY, ny
Posts: 28
There are many wonderful, helpful posts here. I am so sorry for your pain. A 30 pack sounds like a serious amount of beer everyday. Ultimatums usually dont work, the AW has to want the help, no matter how desperately you want her to want the help. It's just a suggestion, but I reached out to our family doctor for advice. Perhaps you can as well to get advice, ideas and options.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by Maudcat 
Hi, Imissmywife.
Welcome.
Very sorry for your pain, but glad you found us.
I don’t think ultimatums work unless we are going to follow through.
Do you think you can do that? Leave, I mean?
If your wife is willing, maybe medical detox and rehab?
I’m sure others will be along soon to share, but for now, welcome and good thoughts.
Welcome.
Very sorry for your pain, but glad you found us.
I don’t think ultimatums work unless we are going to follow through.
Do you think you can do that? Leave, I mean?
If your wife is willing, maybe medical detox and rehab?
I’m sure others will be along soon to share, but for now, welcome and good thoughts.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by Loveblue
There are many wonderful, helpful posts here. I am so sorry for your pain. A 30 pack sounds like a serious amount of beer everyday. Ultimatums usually dont work, the AW has to want the help, no matter how desperately you want her to want the help. It's just a suggestion, but I reached out to our family doctor for advice. Perhaps you can as well to get advice, ideas and options.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,646
Originally Posted by Imissmywife
I wonder if leaving and telling her she MUST get help before I come back will do the trick or if it will only make it worse.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and Cure it unfortunately.
You leaving and telling her she must get help before you return may or may not help, there is no way to know unless you do it. Right now she obviously doesn't have a problem with her drinking, you do. You can only control yourself, so focusing on yourself is key.
Have you heard of Al Anon? You might want to check out a meeting. More than anything right now you need to focus on yourself and getting support. I'm glad you posted.
Addicts won't get help until they are good and ready. Addiction, as you are probably aware has a very strong pull on a person. It becomes their focus, their love, their life.
You might want to look at the stickies section at the top of the forum here, lots of good posts/threads there that might help:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Keep posting and reading. Knowledge is power.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Heya Imiss, welcome to Soberrecovery and so very sorry for why you are here. This must be beyond excruciating for you.
Unfortunately there really is nothing you can do for your wife. The conventional wisdom here is "You didn't cause it; you can't control it and you can't cure it.".
The somewhat better news is that you can do something for yourself and that will profoundly change the situation. Start educating yourself about alcoholism and codependency; the stickies at the top of this forum are a good albeit jumbled place to start. Also you might look into alanon. It doesn't work for everyone but some swear by it.
It is usually recommended that people in relationships learn about boundaries which is a bit different than an ultimatum. A boundary is based on how you want to live and includes a plan to enforce these conditions. Many of us set a boundary hoping it will change the addict (and it might actually do this) but it ideally should be simply a way to take care of your own needs.
Hmmm . . . apologies I've wandered a bit around the subject here. Hope I didn't lose you too much.
Courage to you sir in a very tough situation.
Unfortunately there really is nothing you can do for your wife. The conventional wisdom here is "You didn't cause it; you can't control it and you can't cure it.".
The somewhat better news is that you can do something for yourself and that will profoundly change the situation. Start educating yourself about alcoholism and codependency; the stickies at the top of this forum are a good albeit jumbled place to start. Also you might look into alanon. It doesn't work for everyone but some swear by it.
It is usually recommended that people in relationships learn about boundaries which is a bit different than an ultimatum. A boundary is based on how you want to live and includes a plan to enforce these conditions. Many of us set a boundary hoping it will change the addict (and it might actually do this) but it ideally should be simply a way to take care of your own needs.
Hmmm . . . apologies I've wandered a bit around the subject here. Hope I didn't lose you too much.
Courage to you sir in a very tough situation.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Anti anxiety meds...I'm an alcoholic in recovery. Do you know if she's taking Benzodiazepines like Valium, Xanax, Ativan, anything like that? Combined with drinking that can be deadly. If she is taking those, I would strongly suggest you tell her doctor about her alcohol use.
Alcohol and benzos are bad news if taken together, and most addicts/alcoholics will take them together.
And as a recovering alcoholic who also was prescribed benzos, I can tell you that if she's using benzos it is making her worse not better and she has a big hole she's in.
My condolences.
Alcohol and benzos are bad news if taken together, and most addicts/alcoholics will take them together.
And as a recovering alcoholic who also was prescribed benzos, I can tell you that if she's using benzos it is making her worse not better and she has a big hole she's in.
My condolences.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by biminiblue
Anti anxiety meds...I'm an alcoholic in recovery. Do you know if she's taking Benzodiazepines like Valium, Xanax, Ativan, anything like that? Combined with drinking that can be deadly. If she is taking those, I would strongly suggest you tell her doctor about her alcohol use.
Alcohol and benzos are bad news if taken together, and most addicts/alcoholics will take them together.
And as a recovering alcoholic who also was prescribed benzos, I can tell you that if she's using benzos it is making her worse not better and she has a big hole she's in.
My condolences.
Alcohol and benzos are bad news if taken together, and most addicts/alcoholics will take them together.
And as a recovering alcoholic who also was prescribed benzos, I can tell you that if she's using benzos it is making her worse not better and she has a big hole she's in.
My condolences.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
I’m sorry you are here but glad you found us. I was with my ex for 16 years and he was an alcoholic for much longer than that but hid it well and was functional (I later learned that he was functional outside of the home but truly at home he was not functional at all as he was not really there emotionally at all and thus ruined our relationship over the years).
He stopped several times over the years. Never lasted. He would do fine for a while and then start drinking socially and before you knew it he was back at it, and each time it would get worse, in 2014 he had driven home completely *********, the first time ever that he drove home completed wasted (I am sure he has driven over the legal limit before but this was really bad). I was pissed and confronted him. He didn’t realize how isolating it was for me (I could talk to no one about it because he is well respected in the community) and realized he could enver drink again. At least that is what he said, I suggested getting help and he said he wanted to try one more time to do it on his own. He quit for a year but was no fun to be around. He was just a dry drunk. A drunk that no longer had his one coping skill. It was almost worse than when he was drinking. But I was not ready to leave then. Once he started again I realized I had to let go, I started doing my own thing. I knew if I asked him to stop he would but we would repeat the same cycle over and over again. One of us had to hit rock bottom and after almost a year that is what happened. I hit rock bottom. I did give him an ultimatum that I was ready to follow through on (leave him) but I was willing to give him one move chance but he had to seek professional treatment. He did and he got clean and still is to this day ( he is being followed closely and still dong breathalyzers 4x a day). Unfortunately I could not get past the damage he had caused to us and me and we ended up getting divorced almost 2 years after he got clean, we did marriage counseling and he admitted that if I had given him the same ultimatum back in 2014 it would not have worked. It worked the last time because he himself had gotten to the point that he felt he could not go on like that he just did not quite have the courage to do it himself. So when I gave him an ultimatum it was the kick in the but that he needed to seek help. Had he done it in 2014 I think our marriage would have survived, but the last 2 years before rehab were miserable for me, I really detached in order to survive and my feelings really changed. He is not a bad man at all and he is clean. I am glad for that as we have a kid I can trust him with now. But he really ruined our relationship to the post of no return for me. I suck at communication and I am a pleaser (that ash changed for the better though since rehab as I had to do my own rehab so to speak for my codependency ) but even if I had been the greatest communicator it would not have made any difference. Addicts will only quit when they are ready to quit themselves, and rock bottom is different for everyone.
I have learned a lot since rehab and realized that I knew very little about addiction. I wish I would have been better educated early on and that I had found this place a long time ago. It may not have changed the out come but it may have helped me deal with it better emotionally.
I highly recommend that you read codependent no more. And if you can find the documentary « pleasure unwoven” I highly recommend that. It goes over addiction in detail but in layman’s terms so that everyone can understand (it goes into brain chemistry and such). They showed it to use in rehab and it was really good. It helps you understand addiction and why they do what they do and why they cannot be forced into quitting.
Like other said, educate yourself. You can not control anything she does but you can learn how to handle it, setting boundaries and such.
And if you are thinking about an ultimatum, be sure that you are ready to follow through with it, addict are master manipulators and if you tell her you are leavinguntil she can get sober, she will likely find a way to coax you back home. They can hide their booze pretty well, they will do whatever it takes to get what they want while keeping their addiction going.
I hope your wife will get to a point soon where she is willing to get clean for herself and herself only, because getting clean for others usually fails, they have to want it for themselves. In the mean time you only have control over you. I would also recommend checking out alanon and also a counselor for yourself (preferably with an addiction background) to help you find your way through this. I didn’t start any of that until after I confronted my ex and right before he went to rehab. I really wish I would have sought counseling a long time ago. I was never very much pro counseling, at least not for anything “silly” like dealing with an alcoholic spouse (I obviously don’t think that way anymore, I just never realized how it really did affect me a lot) . But it was a lifesaver for me even though I’m far from the Cumbaya/touchy-feely kind. Take care of yourself, that’s the most important because no one else will. And get educated and come here. It was such a relief for me once it was out in the open and I could talk about it. What she does is not a reflection of you. I wish I would have realized that a long time ago.
Hang I t here and good luck. It is very hard but at least you have found people who understand what you are going through. That’s a great first step for you.
Oh and benzos should not be prescribed when someone is actively drinking. They are used very short term when people quit so they don’t go into seizures. Being a medical professional myself I never realized how little we are taught about addiction. I am much better equipped now to deal with patients that are addicts. They still may not quit but I can at least discuss the ins and out of addiction much better and I think they listen much better when they feel like that you actually understand them and addiction, and none of it I learned in school.
He stopped several times over the years. Never lasted. He would do fine for a while and then start drinking socially and before you knew it he was back at it, and each time it would get worse, in 2014 he had driven home completely *********, the first time ever that he drove home completed wasted (I am sure he has driven over the legal limit before but this was really bad). I was pissed and confronted him. He didn’t realize how isolating it was for me (I could talk to no one about it because he is well respected in the community) and realized he could enver drink again. At least that is what he said, I suggested getting help and he said he wanted to try one more time to do it on his own. He quit for a year but was no fun to be around. He was just a dry drunk. A drunk that no longer had his one coping skill. It was almost worse than when he was drinking. But I was not ready to leave then. Once he started again I realized I had to let go, I started doing my own thing. I knew if I asked him to stop he would but we would repeat the same cycle over and over again. One of us had to hit rock bottom and after almost a year that is what happened. I hit rock bottom. I did give him an ultimatum that I was ready to follow through on (leave him) but I was willing to give him one move chance but he had to seek professional treatment. He did and he got clean and still is to this day ( he is being followed closely and still dong breathalyzers 4x a day). Unfortunately I could not get past the damage he had caused to us and me and we ended up getting divorced almost 2 years after he got clean, we did marriage counseling and he admitted that if I had given him the same ultimatum back in 2014 it would not have worked. It worked the last time because he himself had gotten to the point that he felt he could not go on like that he just did not quite have the courage to do it himself. So when I gave him an ultimatum it was the kick in the but that he needed to seek help. Had he done it in 2014 I think our marriage would have survived, but the last 2 years before rehab were miserable for me, I really detached in order to survive and my feelings really changed. He is not a bad man at all and he is clean. I am glad for that as we have a kid I can trust him with now. But he really ruined our relationship to the post of no return for me. I suck at communication and I am a pleaser (that ash changed for the better though since rehab as I had to do my own rehab so to speak for my codependency ) but even if I had been the greatest communicator it would not have made any difference. Addicts will only quit when they are ready to quit themselves, and rock bottom is different for everyone.
I have learned a lot since rehab and realized that I knew very little about addiction. I wish I would have been better educated early on and that I had found this place a long time ago. It may not have changed the out come but it may have helped me deal with it better emotionally.
I highly recommend that you read codependent no more. And if you can find the documentary « pleasure unwoven” I highly recommend that. It goes over addiction in detail but in layman’s terms so that everyone can understand (it goes into brain chemistry and such). They showed it to use in rehab and it was really good. It helps you understand addiction and why they do what they do and why they cannot be forced into quitting.
Like other said, educate yourself. You can not control anything she does but you can learn how to handle it, setting boundaries and such.
And if you are thinking about an ultimatum, be sure that you are ready to follow through with it, addict are master manipulators and if you tell her you are leavinguntil she can get sober, she will likely find a way to coax you back home. They can hide their booze pretty well, they will do whatever it takes to get what they want while keeping their addiction going.
I hope your wife will get to a point soon where she is willing to get clean for herself and herself only, because getting clean for others usually fails, they have to want it for themselves. In the mean time you only have control over you. I would also recommend checking out alanon and also a counselor for yourself (preferably with an addiction background) to help you find your way through this. I didn’t start any of that until after I confronted my ex and right before he went to rehab. I really wish I would have sought counseling a long time ago. I was never very much pro counseling, at least not for anything “silly” like dealing with an alcoholic spouse (I obviously don’t think that way anymore, I just never realized how it really did affect me a lot) . But it was a lifesaver for me even though I’m far from the Cumbaya/touchy-feely kind. Take care of yourself, that’s the most important because no one else will. And get educated and come here. It was such a relief for me once it was out in the open and I could talk about it. What she does is not a reflection of you. I wish I would have realized that a long time ago.
Hang I t here and good luck. It is very hard but at least you have found people who understand what you are going through. That’s a great first step for you.
Oh and benzos should not be prescribed when someone is actively drinking. They are used very short term when people quit so they don’t go into seizures. Being a medical professional myself I never realized how little we are taught about addiction. I am much better equipped now to deal with patients that are addicts. They still may not quit but I can at least discuss the ins and out of addiction much better and I think they listen much better when they feel like that you actually understand them and addiction, and none of it I learned in school.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: undecided
Posts: 59
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is a horrible situation. I'm glad you found this forum.
As others have pointed out, there's a big difference between these two sentences. The first one is about something - your leaving - that is entirely in YOUR control. The second sentence is about HER doing something, which is NOT in your control. It is incredibly hard for a spouse, but gradually realising and accepting the difference between the two has helped a lot of people here. (I'm still trying to accept it for myself and my wife too.)
Wishing you the best.
Originally Posted by Imissmywife
I don’t want to leave. I want her to get help.
Wishing you the best.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,432
If she doesn't really want recovery, and is willing to put in the work of which rehab is only the first small step, you will be wasting your money.
I think controlling what you can--yourself--and getting some face to face support from a counselor who is trained in addiction issues (sometimes therapists without training can give very bad or incorrect advice) would be my first step were I in your shoes (and I have been--both as family member to alcoholic mother and spouse as well as former alcoholic myself)
You need knowledge and some real life support since you haven't shared this with others and have been carrying it alone. You can't fix this--she is an adult and will do as she pleases in the end. Painful but true.
You can, and should, protect any children from living with an active addict in the home which is dangerous and damaging to children both short and long term.
Reading the stickies at the top of the page will get you started on learning about the disease. Posting here as much as you feel like can help you vent and to know you are not alone, because you aren't.
I'm so sorry because this hurts like nothing else.
I think controlling what you can--yourself--and getting some face to face support from a counselor who is trained in addiction issues (sometimes therapists without training can give very bad or incorrect advice) would be my first step were I in your shoes (and I have been--both as family member to alcoholic mother and spouse as well as former alcoholic myself)
You need knowledge and some real life support since you haven't shared this with others and have been carrying it alone. You can't fix this--she is an adult and will do as she pleases in the end. Painful but true.
You can, and should, protect any children from living with an active addict in the home which is dangerous and damaging to children both short and long term.
Reading the stickies at the top of the page will get you started on learning about the disease. Posting here as much as you feel like can help you vent and to know you are not alone, because you aren't.
I'm so sorry because this hurts like nothing else.
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,721
Welcome to SR!
You are wasting your time trying to help her without getting the help you need for yourself first. Consider Al-anon so you can educate yourself with the skills that you need to learn. Otherwise, you are not helping either one of you. You do not want to feed into her addiction. You need to look at your life and decide if it is the life you want to live. Nothing will change if nothing changes. You only have control of your actions not hers. Take care of your well being first. You only hurt because you feel helpless. You need to get help first. Keep reading posts. Keep posting!
You are wasting your time trying to help her without getting the help you need for yourself first. Consider Al-anon so you can educate yourself with the skills that you need to learn. Otherwise, you are not helping either one of you. You do not want to feed into her addiction. You need to look at your life and decide if it is the life you want to live. Nothing will change if nothing changes. You only have control of your actions not hers. Take care of your well being first. You only hurt because you feel helpless. You need to get help first. Keep reading posts. Keep posting!
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