SO fresh out of rehab and I'm a mess
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 4
SO fresh out of rehab and I'm a mess
I'll start with my question first. Thank you in advance for your input:
1. How long should I give him to make the effort to reconnect and recommit to our relationship before I leave for good?
I am an alcoholic in recovery myself, going on 7 years. My fiance and I have lived together 3 + years. We met in AA when he had much less sober time than I had and this is his second alcohol relapse since we have been together. He also has a pot addiction, using in secrecy, the entire time we have been together, in which, because of the lies and manipulation, I have almost ended things countless times.
I'm dedicated to my AA life plus attend Al Anon. I recently watched a fabulous speaker, Father Martin, and the topic was The Family Afterward. I moved out 2 months ago (temporary housing) to give him and myself a chance to get well- when he had refused treatment. He finally accepted treatment but was only there for 2 weeks. I am doing pretty well, not trying to manage or control his life, not hovering, still living apart but I am so burned out, resentful, sad and impatient.
He has only been out of rehab for about a week and he really liked it there. He is not being a jerk at all, telling me he is concentrating on his recovery, he still loves me, but is also distant and not at all addressing the hurt he caused me and the damage done to the relationship.
I get it. I was there once. I am giving him all the space he needs. But...I am unwilling to wait in the wings indefinitely. The BB tells us, that at some point, the 'husband' needs to reintegrate with the family and contribute to those relationships. I just don't know how much longer I can handle not being single but feeling like I am and I am so sad.
1. How long should I give him to make the effort to reconnect and recommit to our relationship before I leave for good?
I am an alcoholic in recovery myself, going on 7 years. My fiance and I have lived together 3 + years. We met in AA when he had much less sober time than I had and this is his second alcohol relapse since we have been together. He also has a pot addiction, using in secrecy, the entire time we have been together, in which, because of the lies and manipulation, I have almost ended things countless times.
I'm dedicated to my AA life plus attend Al Anon. I recently watched a fabulous speaker, Father Martin, and the topic was The Family Afterward. I moved out 2 months ago (temporary housing) to give him and myself a chance to get well- when he had refused treatment. He finally accepted treatment but was only there for 2 weeks. I am doing pretty well, not trying to manage or control his life, not hovering, still living apart but I am so burned out, resentful, sad and impatient.
He has only been out of rehab for about a week and he really liked it there. He is not being a jerk at all, telling me he is concentrating on his recovery, he still loves me, but is also distant and not at all addressing the hurt he caused me and the damage done to the relationship.
I get it. I was there once. I am giving him all the space he needs. But...I am unwilling to wait in the wings indefinitely. The BB tells us, that at some point, the 'husband' needs to reintegrate with the family and contribute to those relationships. I just don't know how much longer I can handle not being single but feeling like I am and I am so sad.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome to SR Jane. Congrats on your 7 years of recovery, that is fantastic. I don't know that anyone can give you a specific timeframe on how much is "long enough" for you to wait, but if he was only in rehab for 2 weeks and out for 1 more that seems extremely early to commit to anything - for him or for you.
If things were bad enough that you had to physically move away from him and he refused treatment then i'd personally want far more than what he's provided to you thus far. And if you feel that moving on now is the right thing for you, that is also a very real possibility that you can consider too.
We do have a separate subforum here for friends and family that you might want to check out as well - but you are always welcome here in the newcomers forum too.
If things were bad enough that you had to physically move away from him and he refused treatment then i'd personally want far more than what he's provided to you thus far. And if you feel that moving on now is the right thing for you, that is also a very real possibility that you can consider too.
We do have a separate subforum here for friends and family that you might want to check out as well - but you are always welcome here in the newcomers forum too.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
Good job on 7 years of recovery!
Of course, you won't expect to wait in the wings forever. It's really up to you how much time you want to allow. The main thing is for you to take care of yourself and to continue living your life. I do hope that you find some peace.
Of course, you won't expect to wait in the wings forever. It's really up to you how much time you want to allow. The main thing is for you to take care of yourself and to continue living your life. I do hope that you find some peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 4
Oh gosh, I posted in the wrong group. Meant to post in the friends and family group but I DO appreciate the feedback. I especially appreciate the reminder that one week out of rehab (a short one at that) is too short of time to force any issues either for myself or for him. BTW...is there an easy way to move this post over to friends and family? Thank you all so much! Jane
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Hi Jane, welcome to the Friends and Family section! we have a lot of "double winners" in this group, lots of oldtimers, and lots of new folks.
i know it's hard to remember what is was like in those early days or first few weeks of sobriety....i know i don't remember much.....just that i went to A LOT of meetings. your newly sober BF only got a couple weeks of "rehabilitation" to help him set a solid foundation and now being out for all of one week, he probably breaks into tears trying to remember how to put socks on. right now you'd probably get better, clearer answers from a grapefruit.
give time time. unless you have six other suitors lined up wishing to whisk you away to their own private island, i'd say you could probably give this guy some time. we often recommend waiting a FULL YEAR before even thinking about recommitting ourselves to a recovering addict. one full year of unbroken sobriety, with no oopsies or face plants, a cycle thru all the seasons, holidays, the ups, the downs.
what did that just feel like? the thought of 12 months on hold?
i know it's hard to remember what is was like in those early days or first few weeks of sobriety....i know i don't remember much.....just that i went to A LOT of meetings. your newly sober BF only got a couple weeks of "rehabilitation" to help him set a solid foundation and now being out for all of one week, he probably breaks into tears trying to remember how to put socks on. right now you'd probably get better, clearer answers from a grapefruit.
give time time. unless you have six other suitors lined up wishing to whisk you away to their own private island, i'd say you could probably give this guy some time. we often recommend waiting a FULL YEAR before even thinking about recommitting ourselves to a recovering addict. one full year of unbroken sobriety, with no oopsies or face plants, a cycle thru all the seasons, holidays, the ups, the downs.
what did that just feel like? the thought of 12 months on hold?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Hello, Jane.
I'm one of those double winners with 21 years continuous sobriety, AA meetings, sponsorship, and lots of Al-Anon. I need it all.
I met my husband when he was eight years sober. We met on the golf course, not in a meeting. I was not sober. I knew he was ready to commit, but I couldn't until I was sober for two years. I broke up with him several times, then would contact him. He never pressured me for a commitment. What he did do was go to his meetings, he went to work, and was a shining example of what a sober man was like. He treated me respectfully even when I was a first-class, A-1 bitch. He just loved me through it.
I told him after two years of attending lots of meetings, that I had not been able to commit to the relationship, but that I could make a commitment. He just teared up and sad, Honey, I know. I realized that I was a better person with him than without, and I had to learn the hard way.
So we've been married now for it will be 20 years soon, and what I love about him are the things he does for himself. He truly is a sober man. No matter what's going on with our families, he keeps doing the next right thing. I am so grateful I have a role model who lives the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
He never tried to force the results. He says if you hold a little bird too tightly in your hands and try to squeeze it you'll smother it.
I'm having to practice "hands off" right now with my son who just got out of treatment a couple of weeks ago. He's staying here with us, and it's awfully hard to not cram the program down his throat. I want him to get it real fast, but like Anvilhead said, I didn't get it real fast either. I could barely find the courthouse by myself and I worked in the court system. Let time do what time does is what I'm told. It's my son's journey, not mine.
I'm one of those double winners with 21 years continuous sobriety, AA meetings, sponsorship, and lots of Al-Anon. I need it all.
I met my husband when he was eight years sober. We met on the golf course, not in a meeting. I was not sober. I knew he was ready to commit, but I couldn't until I was sober for two years. I broke up with him several times, then would contact him. He never pressured me for a commitment. What he did do was go to his meetings, he went to work, and was a shining example of what a sober man was like. He treated me respectfully even when I was a first-class, A-1 bitch. He just loved me through it.
I told him after two years of attending lots of meetings, that I had not been able to commit to the relationship, but that I could make a commitment. He just teared up and sad, Honey, I know. I realized that I was a better person with him than without, and I had to learn the hard way.
So we've been married now for it will be 20 years soon, and what I love about him are the things he does for himself. He truly is a sober man. No matter what's going on with our families, he keeps doing the next right thing. I am so grateful I have a role model who lives the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
He never tried to force the results. He says if you hold a little bird too tightly in your hands and try to squeeze it you'll smother it.
I'm having to practice "hands off" right now with my son who just got out of treatment a couple of weeks ago. He's staying here with us, and it's awfully hard to not cram the program down his throat. I want him to get it real fast, but like Anvilhead said, I didn't get it real fast either. I could barely find the courthouse by myself and I worked in the court system. Let time do what time does is what I'm told. It's my son's journey, not mine.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I learnt my lesson about partners in AA many years ago. One nutter in a relationship is enough. I have had three long term partners in my life since, and none were alcoholic.
With my AA fling, in reality, all we had in common was a disease. And as would seem quite logical, from the point we met, and fell in trouble, we began growing apart. On this spiritual journey we all grow at different rates. One is doing well, which the other resents, one is lagging behind also causing tension.
It blew up fairly quickly and left me with a lot of dangerous resentment. I was afraid it might prove fatal to me, so I had to find a solution. The answer came after weeks of prayer. I needed to do a sort of fourth step of the situation and really look closely at my reasons for being in that relationship.
They were all wrong. Nothing about love and unselfishness. I was a self seeker to the core. I wouldn't have known an honest emotion of I fell over it. I was there for the sex, security and what I perceived as a certain status or impression of normality. She had the house and the kids and all I had to do was move in and take my rightful place and play what I thought was my appropriate role in society. I was using her.
I could add more, but what this all meant was that I had wronged this woman in a serious way and I needed to make amends for my part in order to be free of this terrible resentment.
In this case, I was the new boy, just a few weeks sober. She had 18 months. As I found out later, I was one in a long line. I made my amends and was set free.
With my AA fling, in reality, all we had in common was a disease. And as would seem quite logical, from the point we met, and fell in trouble, we began growing apart. On this spiritual journey we all grow at different rates. One is doing well, which the other resents, one is lagging behind also causing tension.
It blew up fairly quickly and left me with a lot of dangerous resentment. I was afraid it might prove fatal to me, so I had to find a solution. The answer came after weeks of prayer. I needed to do a sort of fourth step of the situation and really look closely at my reasons for being in that relationship.
They were all wrong. Nothing about love and unselfishness. I was a self seeker to the core. I wouldn't have known an honest emotion of I fell over it. I was there for the sex, security and what I perceived as a certain status or impression of normality. She had the house and the kids and all I had to do was move in and take my rightful place and play what I thought was my appropriate role in society. I was using her.
I could add more, but what this all meant was that I had wronged this woman in a serious way and I needed to make amends for my part in order to be free of this terrible resentment.
In this case, I was the new boy, just a few weeks sober. She had 18 months. As I found out later, I was one in a long line. I made my amends and was set free.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 4
Wow, such great responses. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. Anvillehead: The thought of 12 months of him half measuring his program while we live apart and I'm waiting in the wings, doesn't fly. I am willing to continue to live apart and give it more time (it's already been 2 months) but I cannot wait forever, and definitely not a year. The more progress I see him making and the more effort he makes at being honest with me about the progress, the more time I am willing to give him, and myself. Being a double winner, I appreciate it takes time to get sober and everyone (including family) is kind of put on hold for a while. I guess I need to get real clear with my sponsor on a date (set internally) of how long I can hold out until he decides that it's time for me to move back home.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by JaneDoer 
I guess I need to get real clear with my sponsor on a date (set internally) of how long I can hold out until he decides that it's time for me to move back home.
I'm assuming from your statement above that you mean your fiance (deciding when it's time for you to move back home). The truth is, he shouldn't be deciding anything for you at all and why would you want him to? You are just kind of hanging out in limbo in temp housing while he looks after himself.
Don't get me wrong, he is doing the right thing and he is obviously trying from what you have stated, however he doesn't get to call the shots in your life. (Although you did mention "half-measuring", do you not think he is really committed?)
The difference in your experience of getting sober and his may be that he is in a relationship, were you? Expecting him to be in any kind of healthy place after 3 weeks seems perhaps a bit rushed.
He obviously can't give you any kind of timeline, so yes, things are going to be up in the air, I'm sure you don't want to rush back in to anything. Perhaps it is his turn to find some temp housing so you can go back to your place?
Do you really want this relationship?
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