Hawkeye13

Reread and print out your old posts from here.

Do you want to go through that pain again?

NYCDoglvr

Showing up with suitcases shows how little he respects you...........bravo for doing the right thing.

Glenjo99

One million percent NO. I won't be going back to that chaos.

Glenjo99

Thanks! I really think it was.

hopeful4

Let's say you had let him stay. What then. You would have to turn around and make him leave again, and still feel badly.

You absolutely did the right thing. It's easy to forget, bad behavior has consequences, and he is suffering with his own right now. Maybe it will be the only thing that may lead to change.

Big hugs. Stay strong.

Glenjo99

Thanks for the support. There are consequences to actions.

SmallButMighty

Him offering you a seasonal treat....wow....
It shows the extreme level of his immaturity.. it's like the kid you thought was your friend, but then he spent months bullying you all around the playground, upsetting you, making you cry, alienating you from other kids... then he offers you the cookie from his lunch so that you will be his friend again, thus giving him the chance to do it all over again... unbelievably childish

I'm glad you had the strength to send him on his way. Maybe if he has a few more doors slammed in his face he will realize he has to grow the heck up.

Glenjo99

That's a great analogy. I'm sure had I let him in that mask would slip very quickly.

Yes tough love is what's needed now, he needs to deal with life or continue his destruction. I know my choice is looking out for me!

pdm22

He might, he might not. He just might be resourceful enough to keep doing what he’s doing and not really have to change. I’m just glad to hear you didn’t let him in, that was my big fear for you too- that he was going to try to weasel his way into your place.

I’ve been in this situation before, and in my experience, having someone like this is your personal space, and all of the chaos that comes with it, is far worse than feeling bad for turning someone away. Having strong boundaries in the beginning is far easier than letting them be loose, and trying to reign things in after they’ve gotten out of control (like him unleashing his crap onto you and your place, and then having to try to kick him out). Once the ball gets rolling, things can always get worse- so it’s better not to even start!! Good for you!

tomsteve

and kept you where you were,too.
its ok to feel bad for someone in the situation he's in.
not good to let our feelings control our actions.

atalose

His actions are typical addict behaviors your actions are of someone who now knows better. Someone who invested in themselves for their own well being.

Someone who found the courage and strength to just say no.

AnvilheadII

Yes tough love is what's needed now, he needs to deal with life or continue his destruction. I know my choice is looking out for me!

ok - the first sentence.....we need to be careful in what WE think anyone else NEEDS to do with their life. he's gonna do what he is gonna do. period. i believe that your NO at the door was not tough love - it was you upholding your boundaries.
which leads to second sentence.....you ARE making good choices for you and your life. that is commendable.

Glenjo99

Thanks for clarifying and yes it's true, I don't know what he needs, that's for him to work out. Bit codependent of me to assume I know what he needs. Yes I can only control what I am choosing for me.

Glenjo99

That is important to remind myself, it's decent and healthy to feel my feelings and ones of empathy. While at the same time recognising what is best for my life.

Glenjo99

That’s how you support a violent drunk, actually: You abandon him completely. You let him know that you love him but you love yourself too much to put up with his abuse, and as long as he’s abusing other people, his only friends will be people who hate themselves as much as he does.

Read this this morning and thought it very apt.

Givenup2018

So sorry, but you did absolutely the right thing. He doesn't care about you and was simply using the sympathy card, same old, same old alcoholic behavior which we codies fall for every time. You did good!

Glenjo99

Thanks, I've been feeling so bad since it happened, can't get him or the incident out of my mind. It's true he was hoping my Codependency was alive and well and allow him in. I was doing so well with No Contact with him. Seeing him has disrupted my peace of mind again.

I completely understand the idea now of no new contacts no new hurts.

hopeful4

This is a very healthy way of thinking!

Glenjo99

This has triggered anxiety for me this week. I don't like the not knowing where he is especially if he is close by. I read somewhere today that, if an alcoholic has been rejected he won't go to the same person/place again because the potential of being rejected again would be too great for them. Is this true?

Does anyone have experience of this, I suppose what I'm trying to guage is, will he leave me alone now after refusing him entry on Tuesday night? Or is there a chance he will try contact again.

SparkleKitty

When I finally established boundaries with my XABF, it took a few interactions for him to really get the picture. There is no way to predict this, there are too many factors all swirling around how desperate he gets and how deep in denial of his own issues he is.

All you can do is prepare yourself for what you will do if he returns. Make sure your supports are in place and remind yourself that you have made a healthy decision by protecting your boundaries and your heart from this toxic user. After that, try to relax and live your life. Stop letting him live rent-free in your head all the time.