Aquiana

Grrrrr....I just don't get it! What makes these A's lie so much? He's blowing my mind. It's finally been confirmed. My ABF broke his recovery by drinking about a month ago. He left that night saying he was getting rid of the beer he had. I knew he was lying. Well not exactly lying at that point. I knew he WAS getting rid of it in a sense. I knew exactly where he was putting it. When he came home I asked him if he drank it. No he said. I knew he did and I said, "I know you did so just don't lie to me if you drank it." He swore up and down that he didn't. He wouldn't crack no matter how NICE I was about it. Well guess what, I was picking garbage off the floor of my car today and low and behold what do I find under the passenger seat? Beer cans!!!! I know where they came from and I know it was that night. I know he hasn't had a drink since that day since he's usually home at night and I can see and smell from a mile away when he does. Geez I'd like to shake the lies out of him some days. Does he have no conscience whatsoever? Then he always asks me, " Why don't you trust me?" Maybe cuz you lie like a cheap rug! I don't get it and I'm sick of argueing about it with him. I don't even have anything to say that I haven't said a thousand times before. I give up!

Sorry for the rant.

brightlight

Boy can I relate to this. He would rather lie than tell the truth. :yelling He even said I have to watch what I say to you so you do not get mad, LOL and I said you mean lie to me? You cannot just talk and tell me something, but you have to change what you say, so it sounds right? He told me the other day that he was going to go meet this guy for coffee. Talk over the hospital bill FROM MY HUSBAND HITTING HIM WITH OUR TRUCK WHEN THE GUY WALKED ACROSS THE STREET. He is all right. First he said they might go drink coffee and then he said that the guy did not really say he was wanting to meet. I said you better not go to the bar for COFFEE and then he said he had to call him back to meet somewhere else and I said so it is not maybe, but you already have a date to meet? Unreal.

Cadence57

I relate so well to this too! The lying is what finally got to me with my ex A. The lying and the denial of lying. Even when he got caught red-handed he'd STILL try to lie his way out of it (or minimize)... go figure.

journeygal

The thing that amazes me is the number one complaint my hubby has is how much OTHER people lie!!!! OMG, is he serious???? I don't know ANYONE who lies more than him!!!!

Sorry, just had to get that out.

Aquiana

He just never ceases to amaze me. He won't stop. I swear I can catch him with his hands in the cookie jar and crumbs all over his face and he'll still lie about it. I asked him tonight if he really seriously thought I was that stupid. He said he didn't but he has too. He can't honestly think I believe him. Does he never feel bad? Grrr... I'd still like to shake him.

Still venting....

SJW

Mine does the same thing, and I have asked the same question you did: Do you think I'm that stupid? I know I'm not. He's lying to me because he doesn't want to be honest with himself. But I'd like to slap him upside the head when he does it, just the same! I wonder if he would've been a liar if he'd been sober all these years?

SJW

Cadence57

Ditto!

Magichappens

For those who feel that alcoholism is a disease of the mind and body, it makes perfect sense that alcoholics lie. They have a mental obsession with alcohol. Mr Magic has been of the alcohol for 16 years and the thought to drink still crosses his mind at least twice a day. If that isn't a mental illness, I don't know what is.

For those who haven't been off the drink for long, that obsession is very strong. It can actually drive them to drink. Once they take that first drink, they have no control of how much they will drink. They may or may not get drunk every time, but eventually it will get ahold of them.

When the disease is in control, there is a lot of shame. It has driven them to let everyone they care about down. They know that drinking is not the answer, but they don't have a better one to stop the nagging obsession that drives them. They don't want to face the disappointment and hurt in the eyes of their loved ones. So they lie.

I am one who believes that alcoholism is a mental illness. I can see the same compulsion in the obsessive/compulsive person who feels it necessary to turn the light on and off 400 times, or wash their hands till they are raw. They don't have control of their mind, and they are driven to do things that don't make sense. They know, but they have no other alternative. They feel shame but that can't stop the mental impulse.

Mental illness is a terrible and devestating thing. People resist getting help because they feel ashamed and weak for not being able to overcome it on their own. They face many in society who would reinforce this idea.

Knowing that someone has a mental illness doesn't mean that I should subject myself to abuse or allow that disease to hurt me, but it does help me to seperate myself enough to have compassion rather than anger. I don't have to take their behavior personally.

I can somewhat relate their obsession with alcohol (or other substances) to my own inability to control my own obsessions. I have had obsession with other people, food, shopping, and other behaviors that, though they give temporary relief to the way I feel, ultimately result in causing disruption, and even chaos in my life.

Not everyone sees alcoholism in this light. I don't claim to have the answer. I just know that this way of viewing alcoholism has helped me to have some peace with the situation. Hugs, Magic

cwohio

magic - great post! when you look at the disease for what it is, it DOES help to dispell the anger at the person, but NOT the disease. too bad the word has not spread to the masses yet. we are just seeing the tip of the iceberg so to speak about alcoholism! thx

Cadence57

EXCELLENT Magic!! Your post really helped me to put things in perspective. The only real difference between OCD and alcoholism is that OCD doesn't change who the person IS, where alcoholism does
I tend to think of the alcoholic side of my exA as a separate entity. He is a totally different person when he drinks... it's that Dr. Jeckyll/ Mr Hyde thing. There is no doubt in my mind that Mr.Hyde was an alcoholic!!

sandyr

I can smell it a mile away. When I confront my AH he says, "Oh, I just had a sip and poured the rest down the sink". Why would he just have a sip when he knows how I will react? I am so sick of nagging, screaming, yelling......

My nine year old has posted in her classroom at school her "Who am I?" essay. I was appauled when I read hers next to all the others.

The other children wrote about happy families, warm cozy beds, soft fluffy pets, nice mommies, etc.....

My little one wrote how lonely and sad she feels when her family never listens to her. Also, how daddy loves to surf, sad when mommy never listens and screams too much.....

Daddy is the fun drunk. Mommy is the loud screaming maniac who is trying to do everythin by myself. I am a single parent.

That felt so good........
Sandy

Cadence57

********{Sandy}}}}}
Now that you know how your daughter feels, what can you do to make things better for her (and yourself)?
Being here is a wonderful start - I spend much of my free time on this site reading posts - not just from this group but from many of the others as well. Do you go to Alanon? I was skeptical about going to Alanon but, I'll tell ya, it's wonderful to sit in a roomfull of people who know just how I feel and who've been there, done that, and not only survive, but thrive.
Marti

StandingStrong

I agree with what Magic posted.

But let me tell ya, even though I agree with it and I know alcoholism is a disease and I even understand that part of being ashamed at having such a weakness, etc. that still does not in my mind or opinion make those lies less hurtful!
I cannot even begin to tell you all how many times my AH would tell me he only had 2 beers - and yet the obvious was standing there in front of me. The slightly swaying body, the slurring words, the overwhelming smell, etc! And as you all know, that was only the beginning!
Really, he had justified it in his mind somehow that if he told me he only had 2, that would somehow make it okay? better? That it was the amount of alcohol that he consumed - and not the point that he consumed any at all!!!

Yes, it really sucks that they lie. I always refer to that post that Jon posted though in times like this. It reminds me of the cold hard reality - the truth.

Cadence57

Maybe, in their minds, if they say it then it makes it the truth (?)
My exA used to get SOOOOO indignant when I doubted him - it was almost comical - he'd say things like "What, so I'm a liar???" (ummmmmm... yeah)
Marti

minnie

Don't forget, often they are lying to themselves first and foremost. Denial of the reality of their drinking is a constant theme and then becomes a denial of reality, period.

Please don't take it personally.

Aquiana

I try not to take my ABF's lies personally but it just feels so disrespectful sometimes. I'm not sure if he even gets how bad he lies. It seems like he honestly forgets all about them. The thing that makes me so nervous is that I always wonder what other things he'll lie about since it comes so easily to him. Like if he cheated, I don't know if I'd ever know since he'd probably just lie about it. When he lies about the drinking, it just blows his credibility on everything he says. For me, I can usually forgive him after a time for them but I'm having a hard time forgetting about it even when he hasn't done it for a while.

minnie

Aquiana

I know exactly what you mean. I am struggling with my b/f about this. He is sober 6 weeks and going to AA. However, I know now that he has lied to me from day 1. I don't know what is or was real anymore. It's the boy that cried wolf syndrome.

I'm not sure what the answer is.

Aquiana

I was thinking about the bf's lying today again. It won't get out of my head although I'm feeling better about things a little today. I was trying to think of a reason why he never seems to understand how bad it is and he doesn't believe he lies with the frequency that he does. It hit me this morning, could it be he honestly doesn't remember them? I then realized how hard it would be to keep track of them all in his head. I mean, there's probably a big tangle of them in there. I remember every single one almost to the date because it's like a knife in the heart every time he tells them but for him it means nothing. No more signifigant to him than saying hello to someone. So why would he remember? He probably IS completely oblivious and thinks he's done nothing wrong. It made me laugh, (not really funny though) since I was thinking it was like trying to train my cat not to scratch on the furniture. I give the cat hell and 5 min. later he forgets about it and does it again right in front of me. It means nothing either way. lol At least I got a laugh.

Aquiana

I just went for a shower and I was thinking it's alot easier with the cat. He's going to get de-clawed right away. Why can't I take the bf to the vet and have him de-lied? Wouldn't that be sweet?

The bf would be so insulted if he found out I was comparing him to the cat. My cat is sooo cute but unfortunatly a few nuts short a brownie.

Sorry everybody. I didn't get enough sleep last night so I'm loopy. I'll stop now I promise....

allalone

My AH's DOC is meth so I hang out at the Nar - anon board ; however, I saw your post and had to read. The following is a sticky on the Nar-anon board. I often need to go back and read this to deal with the issues you are dealing with right now. I hope this helps you too:

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.