Do I Mention DS's Comment About AW?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
COD.....I get it that you are simmering inside with anger and resentments toward your wife. And, you have indicated that she has been very forthcoming about her resentments of you, also.....
This sounds very typical of an alcoholic marriage....or any other dysfunctional relationship...with or without alcoholism.
It seems that the cat has long, flown the bag....and there is a big elephant in the corner of the livingroom…
Does it occur. to you, that you might be enabling the situation.....as in--enabling your wife....
Doesn't sound (to me) like your wife is going to reach out for recovery on her own, and that the alcoholism has a pretty food grip on her, at this point.
After all, by your description, you are running the house, and have taken over the child care responsibilities....including the outside activities, as well. All the while....twisting yourself into a pretzel to try and keep it all swept under the rug...…
You might not think of this as enabling...but, it sure does, to me, looking from the outside....
Change is happening, all the time...even when it seems it is not (for all of us)….you son is growing and changing...the wife is progressing in her alcoholism....he marriage is /has suffered from long neglect....etc. Time marches on...and time always brings change for everyone....
I also get it, that you fear change and that you have social anxiety that complicates the situation.....
I am wondering if you have any kind of plan formulating, in your mind...for yourself...?
Right now, it falls on you, as the most stable adult, to make any kind of change that is going to have impact on the direction that things are going....
This sounds very typical of an alcoholic marriage....or any other dysfunctional relationship...with or without alcoholism.
It seems that the cat has long, flown the bag....and there is a big elephant in the corner of the livingroom…
Does it occur. to you, that you might be enabling the situation.....as in--enabling your wife....
Doesn't sound (to me) like your wife is going to reach out for recovery on her own, and that the alcoholism has a pretty food grip on her, at this point.
After all, by your description, you are running the house, and have taken over the child care responsibilities....including the outside activities, as well. All the while....twisting yourself into a pretzel to try and keep it all swept under the rug...…
You might not think of this as enabling...but, it sure does, to me, looking from the outside....
Change is happening, all the time...even when it seems it is not (for all of us)….you son is growing and changing...the wife is progressing in her alcoholism....he marriage is /has suffered from long neglect....etc. Time marches on...and time always brings change for everyone....
I also get it, that you fear change and that you have social anxiety that complicates the situation.....
I am wondering if you have any kind of plan formulating, in your mind...for yourself...?
Right now, it falls on you, as the most stable adult, to make any kind of change that is going to have impact on the direction that things are going....
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
a few months back you had divorce papers all lined up and then someone in her family had the nerve to mess up the plans and pass away. out of respect you paused on pulling the trigger.
why is she still there? why have you not got the divorce going again?
you have to know how this is affecting your son. and sure it's nice to ask him stuff like "who is always here for you?" and have him reply "you dad" but i ask you, do you keep her around so you DO get to look like the superior parent? the hero?
it's funny you say lead him to the truth.....like he doesn't know. you are not protecting him, you are EXPOSING him to life as an alcoholic. nothing has really changed in the past five years on that front has it?
why is she still there? why have you not got the divorce going again?
you have to know how this is affecting your son. and sure it's nice to ask him stuff like "who is always here for you?" and have him reply "you dad" but i ask you, do you keep her around so you DO get to look like the superior parent? the hero?
it's funny you say lead him to the truth.....like he doesn't know. you are not protecting him, you are EXPOSING him to life as an alcoholic. nothing has really changed in the past five years on that front has it?
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
"Thank you for taking the time to post all that OK - what a GREAT, honest & accurate share.
Do you have a link to that article that you referenced? I'd love to read it as well."
This was an article I read recently that referenced Melvin Lerner's work. The article is recent, Lerner's work is not, but I don't think he is widely known.
"Victim Blaming"
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Just-world_hypothesis
Do you have a link to that article that you referenced? I'd love to read it as well."
This was an article I read recently that referenced Melvin Lerner's work. The article is recent, Lerner's work is not, but I don't think he is widely known.
"Victim Blaming"
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Just-world_hypothesis
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 7
I haven't posted here much but have been reading, learning, and absorbing for a long time. From time to time I'm compelled to post my experience as an ACOA (also a recovering alcoholic, nearly 8 years sober now) when I read about children here.
My dad was the alcoholic, died when I was 19. My mom had FINALLY left him when I was 15. His alcoholism wasn't even a secret in our house. To his credit, he tried to get sober, but never made it longer than maybe a year. He went to rehab more times than I can remember, AA, and my mom attended Al-Anon religiously, although I'm not sure she ever completely "recovered", and later became an alcoholic herself (she had quit drinking in her mid 20's and became addicted to my dad instead I think, in retrospect) after being sober for about 25 years. She probably could have benefited from therapy also but she felt she didn't need it (ie, she was above it - ha)
I want to share my experience with her. For a long time, she was my rock, the stronger of my parents who kept it all together. Everyone saw her as this amazing strong woman, and in many ways she was. I saw her that way until I became an alcoholic myself and then turned it around and started my own recovery journey.
I vividly remember begging her, between the ages of about 7-10, to leave my dad, take me out of that house. I remember several instances of this like it was just the other day, although the specific circumstances of what had brought me to that state escape me. I even suggested we go live with my grandparents (her parents, who now as an adult I fondly remember as having the only place I ever really felt safe and happy as a kid).
By the time I was about 12, I had pretty much given up hope. I even remember her saying a few years later when I was in high school that she saw it happening at that age. I was a gifted straight A student, gymnast, played an instrument, but then started to tank in school, hang out with different kids where I could drink and do drugs, etc.
Fortunately her leaving my dad at 15 helped a little. Sort of just in the nick of time for me, I would have probably run away with some loser if she hadn't. I got my act together academically at least. I spent the next 10 or so years in school, working, going to therapy, making peace with my dad's alcoholism, emotional abuse, death, etc. Thought I had it together. I was wrong.
Anyway, after coming out of my own nightmare of alcoholism at 35, a very strange, gut wrenching, frightening thing came to the surface....the realization that she did not protect me as a child like she should have. That MANY of the issues I struggle with even still today are a direct result of her and how she treated me....putting my dad or her addiction to him first, her own fear, etc., before her child. I've spent the last several years trying to reconcile and overcome this so as not to bring any toxicity into my own life and relationships as an adult.
She's gone now, and our relationship was left on somewhat bad terms when she died. I still haven't quite worked through all my negative feelings toward her, even though I'm at peace with what I've had to do in terms of boundaries and detachment for the most part.
Just wanted to say this. I can imagine it's difficult for parents to see when they're in it with their children.
Edited to add - despite having how NOT to be codependent drilled into my head at a young age by her, that’s exactly how I turned out anyway, in addition to being an alcoholic (lucky me! Lol), and has been even more difficult to overcome than the drinking.
My dad was the alcoholic, died when I was 19. My mom had FINALLY left him when I was 15. His alcoholism wasn't even a secret in our house. To his credit, he tried to get sober, but never made it longer than maybe a year. He went to rehab more times than I can remember, AA, and my mom attended Al-Anon religiously, although I'm not sure she ever completely "recovered", and later became an alcoholic herself (she had quit drinking in her mid 20's and became addicted to my dad instead I think, in retrospect) after being sober for about 25 years. She probably could have benefited from therapy also but she felt she didn't need it (ie, she was above it - ha)
I want to share my experience with her. For a long time, she was my rock, the stronger of my parents who kept it all together. Everyone saw her as this amazing strong woman, and in many ways she was. I saw her that way until I became an alcoholic myself and then turned it around and started my own recovery journey.
I vividly remember begging her, between the ages of about 7-10, to leave my dad, take me out of that house. I remember several instances of this like it was just the other day, although the specific circumstances of what had brought me to that state escape me. I even suggested we go live with my grandparents (her parents, who now as an adult I fondly remember as having the only place I ever really felt safe and happy as a kid).
By the time I was about 12, I had pretty much given up hope. I even remember her saying a few years later when I was in high school that she saw it happening at that age. I was a gifted straight A student, gymnast, played an instrument, but then started to tank in school, hang out with different kids where I could drink and do drugs, etc.
Fortunately her leaving my dad at 15 helped a little. Sort of just in the nick of time for me, I would have probably run away with some loser if she hadn't. I got my act together academically at least. I spent the next 10 or so years in school, working, going to therapy, making peace with my dad's alcoholism, emotional abuse, death, etc. Thought I had it together. I was wrong.
Anyway, after coming out of my own nightmare of alcoholism at 35, a very strange, gut wrenching, frightening thing came to the surface....the realization that she did not protect me as a child like she should have. That MANY of the issues I struggle with even still today are a direct result of her and how she treated me....putting my dad or her addiction to him first, her own fear, etc., before her child. I've spent the last several years trying to reconcile and overcome this so as not to bring any toxicity into my own life and relationships as an adult.
She's gone now, and our relationship was left on somewhat bad terms when she died. I still haven't quite worked through all my negative feelings toward her, even though I'm at peace with what I've had to do in terms of boundaries and detachment for the most part.
Just wanted to say this. I can imagine it's difficult for parents to see when they're in it with their children.
Edited to add - despite having how NOT to be codependent drilled into my head at a young age by her, that’s exactly how I turned out anyway, in addition to being an alcoholic (lucky me! Lol), and has been even more difficult to overcome than the drinking.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 7
Now I can’t seem to figure out how to edit my post again, so I just wanted to add - I’ve found it slightly easier to forgive my dad, possibly in part because he’s been gone for so long, but also because in the end he was an alcoholic and simply doing what alcoholics do. What was my mom’s excuse? Logically I know the answer to that, but emotionally it’s been harder to forgive my sober parent.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
For my kids, 7 years after their mom died, I was honest but put the spotlight on addiction. While it might be tough to say it was the addiction that took her, she was really an awesome person. I married her, and out came two awesome kids. I do explain she did have a tough childhood and made some poor choices. After all they see other kids making good and bad choices. Those are the beginning of the light bulb moments.. It's not a one conversation moment. It's many over time.
When my oldest(boy) broke down a few times, the best thing I could do is hold them and pray over him. They each expressed stress and grief in different ways. Each time needed a different comfort and hug approach. Sometimes it is just a release of emotions...
We all could use some time on the couch expressing our feelings. Life is tough and no one escapes without scrapes.
When my oldest(boy) broke down a few times, the best thing I could do is hold them and pray over him. They each expressed stress and grief in different ways. Each time needed a different comfort and hug approach. Sometimes it is just a release of emotions...
We all could use some time on the couch expressing our feelings. Life is tough and no one escapes without scrapes.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
COD, this divorce build up has been coming for a long time, going on about a year that you let your boss know what was going on and talked to DS school counselor and retaining an attorney.
Your wife is still passing out at that same counter in the kitchen so the only thing that has really changed this past year is AWARENESS, your son has now become aware that something in his home environment is to be feared.
If at this point in time you still cannot follow through with the divorce then at least follow through with the school counselor and see what is available to your DS to help him and you communicate about living with active alcoholism.
Your wife is still passing out at that same counter in the kitchen so the only thing that has really changed this past year is AWARENESS, your son has now become aware that something in his home environment is to be feared.
If at this point in time you still cannot follow through with the divorce then at least follow through with the school counselor and see what is available to your DS to help him and you communicate about living with active alcoholism.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
DeniseKS thank you for sharing. I stayed with my XAH for a long time, and the damage that did to my children is very real. Not only from his behavior, but mine. I have been in counseling with my children for YEARS, and was very shocked to find out the resentments they had towards me for not putting them first and staying with their father in such a toxic environment. It's taken some very real healing to get past it.
I know COD is doing his best to protect his son and has reasons for doing what he is doing. Keep in mind, custody is a tricky thing.
COD, you are on my heart, I hope you are doing well today!
I know COD is doing his best to protect his son and has reasons for doing what he is doing. Keep in mind, custody is a tricky thing.
COD, you are on my heart, I hope you are doing well today!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Good Morning, Friends.
Thank you for all the responses, stories, smacks upside the head. I need those, I appreciate those, and they are helping me. The words were sometimes harsh - only because they are the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts. I do want what is best for DS, and I will do it. I can tell he is troubled, and we WILL talk about it.
I emailed my atty this morning, and gave her an update on what's been going on over the past week. We will meet in December, and file right after the first of the year.
In fact, last night she did what I'd been waiting on for quite some time - she actually fell off the stool at the kitchen island and ended up on the floor, still out. It made a helluva noise, and I went down about 5 minutes later and took pictures. This morning I asked her how she was feeling, especially after last night. She seemed as if it was no big deal. So sad.
A dear friend sent me some Brene Brown audio CDs regarding Imperfect Parenting - I need to listen to those. That, and a book about handling change that me and DS will read together.
Yes, I've pretty much hit my rock bottom, and it is time. Maybe overdue time, but it's time. I do read each response carefully, and I know sometimes the shares are hard, but it's helping me.
I have no more love or even respect for her anymore. I'm tired of the excuses, the lies, the blameshifting, the verbal abuse, the everything. I'm sad today, but I pray that I will, DS and I will - get through this and come out on a better side than where we are now.
Thank you for all you do.
COD
Thank you for all the responses, stories, smacks upside the head. I need those, I appreciate those, and they are helping me. The words were sometimes harsh - only because they are the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts. I do want what is best for DS, and I will do it. I can tell he is troubled, and we WILL talk about it.
I emailed my atty this morning, and gave her an update on what's been going on over the past week. We will meet in December, and file right after the first of the year.
In fact, last night she did what I'd been waiting on for quite some time - she actually fell off the stool at the kitchen island and ended up on the floor, still out. It made a helluva noise, and I went down about 5 minutes later and took pictures. This morning I asked her how she was feeling, especially after last night. She seemed as if it was no big deal. So sad.
A dear friend sent me some Brene Brown audio CDs regarding Imperfect Parenting - I need to listen to those. That, and a book about handling change that me and DS will read together.
Yes, I've pretty much hit my rock bottom, and it is time. Maybe overdue time, but it's time. I do read each response carefully, and I know sometimes the shares are hard, but it's helping me.
I have no more love or even respect for her anymore. I'm tired of the excuses, the lies, the blameshifting, the verbal abuse, the everything. I'm sad today, but I pray that I will, DS and I will - get through this and come out on a better side than where we are now.
Thank you for all you do.
COD
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad 
I have no more love or even respect for her anymore. I'm tired of the excuses, the lies, the blameshifting, the verbal abuse, the everything. I'm sad today, but I pray that I will, DS and I will - get through this and come out on a better side than where we are now.
No, it's no walk in the park to divorce someone that you once cared for deeply, especially when there is a child involved. Try to think of the better. When you get up in the morning no one will be on the kitchen floor passed out. You won't be woken up by the thump of someone sliding off the kitchen island etc
Your Son will be upset, no doubt, that is the hard part. He will adapt, he will still see his Mom and in fact may even have a better relationship with her than he does now. He will only see her sober, she will only see him when she is sober! Their interactions will be much, much healthier. That's good for him. He might not appreciate it initially, it's change and change can be scary, but reassuring him that he still gets to see Mom will go a long way toward making him feel secure. Once he sees that oh, this isn't so bad, things will start to even out.
It will also be good for her in many ways, which she may not see either.
The focus is on your Son as it should be and that's commendable. You know though, take some time for yourself too.
I know you are tough, I know you are powering through but all of this has affected you as well. Perhaps with the changes in the new year you can start to do some healing of your own COD.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Whack! This is me hitting you upside the head. lol
The past week? Don’t you mean the past year or more.
You have a history of pushing off the inevitable here with this situation. December is a month away, January is two months away what’s the push off this time? Aren’t the papers all drawn up and it’s just a matter of serving her?
Divorce is hard, harder when a child is involved but certainly not as hard as living with an intoxicated mom who goes bump in the night. What if that was your son who heard that thump and went to investigate?
You can’t get to a better side until after you leave where you both are at today.
((hugs))
I emailed my atty this morning, and gave her an update on what's been going on over the past week. We will meet in December, and file right after the first of the year.
You have a history of pushing off the inevitable here with this situation. December is a month away, January is two months away what’s the push off this time? Aren’t the papers all drawn up and it’s just a matter of serving her?
Divorce is hard, harder when a child is involved but certainly not as hard as living with an intoxicated mom who goes bump in the night. What if that was your son who heard that thump and went to investigate?
I have no more love or even respect for her anymore. I'm tired of the excuses, the lies, the blameshifting, the verbal abuse, the everything. I'm sad today, but I pray that I will, DS and I will - get through this and come out on a better side than where we are now.
((hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
The lawyer has been updated on AW's escapades over the past year.
The holidays are coming up, and she will go into total B*tch mode, and I don;t want him in the middle of that, not during this time of year.
The holidays are coming up, and she will go into total B*tch mode, and I don;t want him in the middle of that, not during this time of year.
Originally Posted by atalose
Whack! This is me hitting you upside the head. lol
The past week? Don’t you mean the past year or more.
You have a history of pushing off the inevitable here with this situation. December is a month away, January is two months away what’s the push off this time? Aren’t the papers all drawn up and it’s just a matter of serving her?
Divorce is hard, harder when a child is involved but certainly not as hard as living with an intoxicated mom who goes bump in the night. What if that was your son who heard that thump and went to investigate?
You can’t get to a better side until after you leave where you both are at today.
((hugs))
The past week? Don’t you mean the past year or more.
You have a history of pushing off the inevitable here with this situation. December is a month away, January is two months away what’s the push off this time? Aren’t the papers all drawn up and it’s just a matter of serving her?
Divorce is hard, harder when a child is involved but certainly not as hard as living with an intoxicated mom who goes bump in the night. What if that was your son who heard that thump and went to investigate?
You can’t get to a better side until after you leave where you both are at today.
((hugs))
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
COD...….I am, respectfully, saying this as a medical person....whenever someone has fallen onto a hard surface and is lying unconscious, five minutes later, the proper action to take is to call 911 and/or seek immediate medical attention. This is the perfect situation for epidural or subdural bleeding....the results, from which can be permanent neurological damage or death.
The other possibility is that this same intercranial bleeding can show up, even days later…..
It doesn't matter that the person was drunk--in fact, that can make it worse, because a person with an alcohol blood level is likely to bleed more freely than usual.
When making such a decision about getting immediate medical evaluation...it doesn't matter if you don't respect or love the person...t is a moral obligation of basic human responsibility....and, can, in some situations, become a legal obligation.
In an abundance of caution...I advise you that if you should ever notice that your wife is having changes of behavior that are out of the ordinary....consider that there might be a neurological basis for it.
My own 92yr. old mother, in great general health, died from just such a brain injury...(she wasn't drunk, though). She and, hit her head o n the basement floor....and didn't ell anyone, right away. She was in the hospital, a few days later, for an unrelated procedure. While talking to her on the phone...she didn't sound right, to me. I immediately called her doctor and told him about my suspicions and about her fall...and, asked if a neurologist could see her, right away, and get a cat scan. It was discovered that she did, in fact have a subdural hematoma....long story short, she died of it, about 3 wks. later, while in a coma, in spite of aggressive medical intervention.
COD....please don't let your resentments of your wife cloud your judgements regarding what is the best thing for her or your son....there are some things that are worse and harder to live with than a divorce.....
to be cautious...and, possibly preventative...maybe, it would be advisable to insist that your wife move to the couch to continue her late evening drinking...and, remove the chairs from the counter that she sleeps on....because, I think that this is just a tragedy waiting to happen...on any given night.....
I. also, think that anytime anyone in the home falls, enough to register a loud thump...it is advisable to go check....not to do so, just seems very callous....don't you think??
I am not trying to just pick on you or give you a hard time...I think that your anger and resentment may have clouded your natural human concern......and, I am just giving you what I consider to be safety information.....
"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure".....
The other possibility is that this same intercranial bleeding can show up, even days later…..
It doesn't matter that the person was drunk--in fact, that can make it worse, because a person with an alcohol blood level is likely to bleed more freely than usual.
When making such a decision about getting immediate medical evaluation...it doesn't matter if you don't respect or love the person...t is a moral obligation of basic human responsibility....and, can, in some situations, become a legal obligation.
In an abundance of caution...I advise you that if you should ever notice that your wife is having changes of behavior that are out of the ordinary....consider that there might be a neurological basis for it.
My own 92yr. old mother, in great general health, died from just such a brain injury...(she wasn't drunk, though). She and, hit her head o n the basement floor....and didn't ell anyone, right away. She was in the hospital, a few days later, for an unrelated procedure. While talking to her on the phone...she didn't sound right, to me. I immediately called her doctor and told him about my suspicions and about her fall...and, asked if a neurologist could see her, right away, and get a cat scan. It was discovered that she did, in fact have a subdural hematoma....long story short, she died of it, about 3 wks. later, while in a coma, in spite of aggressive medical intervention.
COD....please don't let your resentments of your wife cloud your judgements regarding what is the best thing for her or your son....there are some things that are worse and harder to live with than a divorce.....
to be cautious...and, possibly preventative...maybe, it would be advisable to insist that your wife move to the couch to continue her late evening drinking...and, remove the chairs from the counter that she sleeps on....because, I think that this is just a tragedy waiting to happen...on any given night.....
I. also, think that anytime anyone in the home falls, enough to register a loud thump...it is advisable to go check....not to do so, just seems very callous....don't you think??
I am not trying to just pick on you or give you a hard time...I think that your anger and resentment may have clouded your natural human concern......and, I am just giving you what I consider to be safety information.....
"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure".....
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Look, you've been putting up for years with this crap. Your kid was two when you joined SR, and now he's eight.
I've always been worried about what would happen to your child if something happened to you - if you're not divorced, it would seem that your wife would automatically become the primary parent in the case of your death or incapacitation. There would be no documentation of her inability to parent your child. He's still way too young to declare emancipation.
I also worry, in her current state, that she'll end up accidentally burning your house down with your child it. And many of the reasons you came up with to delay the divorce (ex. purchased tickets to the musical) will be bitter ashes in your mouth.
It's obvious that dealing with her alcoholism has emotionally drained you to the point of no return. Dandylion is right, you need to do the right thing when she clonks out again, but not for her, but for YOU. Because you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if she was injured and you could have _reasonably_ done something about it. However, from a purely statistical standpoint, I understand where you come from. If this is the fiftieth time that she's passed out on the floor (and I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't the hundredth time), you just end up getting used to it. SHE's probably used to it and doesn't recognize the danger as well.
I've always been worried about what would happen to your child if something happened to you - if you're not divorced, it would seem that your wife would automatically become the primary parent in the case of your death or incapacitation. There would be no documentation of her inability to parent your child. He's still way too young to declare emancipation.
I also worry, in her current state, that she'll end up accidentally burning your house down with your child it. And many of the reasons you came up with to delay the divorce (ex. purchased tickets to the musical) will be bitter ashes in your mouth.
It's obvious that dealing with her alcoholism has emotionally drained you to the point of no return. Dandylion is right, you need to do the right thing when she clonks out again, but not for her, but for YOU. Because you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if she was injured and you could have _reasonably_ done something about it. However, from a purely statistical standpoint, I understand where you come from. If this is the fiftieth time that she's passed out on the floor (and I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't the hundredth time), you just end up getting used to it. SHE's probably used to it and doesn't recognize the danger as well.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by dandylion
COD...….I am, respectfully, saying this as a medical person....whenever someone has fallen onto a hard surface and is lying unconscious, five minutes later, the proper action to take is to call 911 and/or seek immediate medical attention. This is the perfect situation for epidural or subdural bleeding....the results, from which can be permanent neurological damage or death.
The other possibility is that this same intercranial bleeding can show up, even days later…..
It doesn't matter that the person was drunk--in fact, that can make it worse, because a person with an alcohol blood level is likely to bleed more freely than usual.
When making such a decision about getting immediate medical evaluation...it doesn't matter if you don't respect or love the person...t is a moral obligation of basic human responsibility....and, can, in some situations, become a legal obligation.
In an abundance of caution...I advise you that if you should ever notice that your wife is having changes of behavior that are out of the ordinary....consider that there might be a neurological basis for it.
My own 92yr. old mother, in great general health, died from just such a brain injury...(she wasn't drunk, though). She and, hit her head o n the basement floor....and didn't ell anyone, right away. She was in the hospital, a few days later, for an unrelated procedure. While talking to her on the phone...she didn't sound right, to me. I immediately called her doctor and told him about my suspicions and about her fall...and, asked if a neurologist could see her, right away, and get a cat scan. It was discovered that she did, in fact have a subdural hematoma....long story short, she died of it, about 3 wks. later, while in a coma, in spite of aggressive medical intervention.
COD....please don't let your resentments of your wife cloud your judgements regarding what is the best thing for her or your son....there are some things that are worse and harder to live with than a divorce.....
to be cautious...and, possibly preventative...maybe, it would be advisable to insist that your wife move to the couch to continue her late evening drinking...and, remove the chairs from the counter that she sleeps on....because, I think that this is just a tragedy waiting to happen...on any given night.....
I. also, think that anytime anyone in the home falls, enough to register a loud thump...it is advisable to go check....not to do so, just seems very callous....don't you think??
I am not trying to just pick on you or give you a hard time...I think that your anger and resentment may have clouded your natural human concern......and, I am just giving you what I consider to be safety information.....
"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure".....
The other possibility is that this same intercranial bleeding can show up, even days later…..
It doesn't matter that the person was drunk--in fact, that can make it worse, because a person with an alcohol blood level is likely to bleed more freely than usual.
When making such a decision about getting immediate medical evaluation...it doesn't matter if you don't respect or love the person...t is a moral obligation of basic human responsibility....and, can, in some situations, become a legal obligation.
In an abundance of caution...I advise you that if you should ever notice that your wife is having changes of behavior that are out of the ordinary....consider that there might be a neurological basis for it.
My own 92yr. old mother, in great general health, died from just such a brain injury...(she wasn't drunk, though). She and, hit her head o n the basement floor....and didn't ell anyone, right away. She was in the hospital, a few days later, for an unrelated procedure. While talking to her on the phone...she didn't sound right, to me. I immediately called her doctor and told him about my suspicions and about her fall...and, asked if a neurologist could see her, right away, and get a cat scan. It was discovered that she did, in fact have a subdural hematoma....long story short, she died of it, about 3 wks. later, while in a coma, in spite of aggressive medical intervention.
COD....please don't let your resentments of your wife cloud your judgements regarding what is the best thing for her or your son....there are some things that are worse and harder to live with than a divorce.....
to be cautious...and, possibly preventative...maybe, it would be advisable to insist that your wife move to the couch to continue her late evening drinking...and, remove the chairs from the counter that she sleeps on....because, I think that this is just a tragedy waiting to happen...on any given night.....
I. also, think that anytime anyone in the home falls, enough to register a loud thump...it is advisable to go check....not to do so, just seems very callous....don't you think??
I am not trying to just pick on you or give you a hard time...I think that your anger and resentment may have clouded your natural human concern......and, I am just giving you what I consider to be safety information.....
"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure".....
Believe me when I say I understand how frustrated, angry, and often disgusted you are by your wife's behavior. I think we have all had similar experiences. I have called my stepson some real whoppers in the past, but I'm glad not to his face.
Please consider next time you hear her fall in a drunken stupor or if you find her collapsed across the island or lying on the floor having fallen to call an ambulance. You would not need to follow her to the ER. She would be taken care of while you stay home with your son
I was horrified, frankly, at how angry and uncaring I had become toward my stepson in such a short time because of my stepson's alcoholism. There were times when I scared myself.
Please don't let your wife's addiction become the altar on which you lose your compassion for others simply as human beings--even your wife. You deserve a good life!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
Good Morning, Friends.
In fact, last night she did what I'd been waiting on for quite some time - she actually fell off the stool at the kitchen island and ended up on the floor, still out. It made a helluva noise, and I went down about 5 minutes later and took pictures. This morning I asked her how she was feeling, especially after last night. She seemed as if it was no big deal. So sad.
In fact, last night she did what I'd been waiting on for quite some time - she actually fell off the stool at the kitchen island and ended up on the floor, still out. It made a helluva noise, and I went down about 5 minutes later and took pictures. This morning I asked her how she was feeling, especially after last night. She seemed as if it was no big deal. So sad.
I am not saying you need to love or like or even really care about your wife (my ex is pretty awful and is screwing up my life and my kid's, so I think I can empathize with your situation). But if you see someone on the ground with a head injury, even your worst enemy, and you don't at least call 911 before you take the pictures ... you're in trouble. So for YOUR sake, please bring this to an end and get yourself and your son out of this dysfunctional codependency.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Hi COD, I know you said that the holidays are coming up and you don't want to deal with the drama... BUT if you are trying to divorce an addict there will ALWAYS be drama no matter the time of the year. Be prepared for all kinds of stupid nonsense from them. It will bring out the worse in them. No matter if it's Christmas, Hanukkah, Chinese New Year, Easter, Ramadan, or your dog’s birthday. Every day of the year is going to be a special day for the addict to act histrionically when you threaten to take away their drink/drug nest.
You have to file. Do it for your son, for her, and for you. If you allow the situation to go on like this, you continue paying for her to have a place to booze until she's flat on her face or dead. If you remove yourself from the equation, she will have to figure out how to finance her boozing, figure out how to clean-up after herself... she will HAVE TO booze slightly less (maybe for a short time) or at least it might be her rock bottom and she'll seek recovery. Even if she doesn't stop, at least you are no longer enabling her in any way, shape or form.
Now... she fell off a chair in the night and you didn't get up to check on her, didn't call an ambulance, and took a photo of her the next morning. Passing out from alcoholism is a medical emergency -- she's gone beyond boozing by choice now. She needs to be in a hospital. If I were you, I would file… and considering she’s in the state she’s in, ask her parents or siblings or friends to look after her while she figures out an apartment. If she doesn’t have anyone besides you, I would pay for three months rent on a cheap room for her (after three months, she’s on her own). I’m trying to think logistically here. It looks like your AW is not earning money and I wouldn’t want her to be homeless. Maybe people will disagree and say don’t pay rent for her… but if she’s just let out on the street… really bad things could happen to her (bad things happen to women on the street, really bad things). I don’t know what social services are available where you live… .
The reason I had such a hard time in court was because I didn't take any photos of my ex while he was high. The reason I did not do that was because I didn't want to humiliate him. It was only when I became seriously concerned about how I could get implicated in the legality of what he was doing that I attempted to take a video of him (attempted, not successful)... but imagine what would have happened if he found the video -- I would be dead! You have already taken photo evidence of your AW before. Do you really need to do this again? Do you show her pictures of her passed out sitting on the toilet? What for? Does your son ever see you take photos of her? Maybe this might be a way you protect yourself against gas-lighting (she might say, no, I did not fall asleep on the toilet) or maybe for court. But you don't need a photo for yourself for something you already know to be true. You have eyes and a brain. You are not a Kraft cheese single. Do you need more photos? You can file now… before COS finds AW dead from falling off the kitchen counter one morning.
I am going to say what my mother said to me shortly before my marriage broke-up: Ophelia, WAKE UP. You may think that it's okay for him to drug himself to death, but that is not a solution. If he dies in your care... in your house... what do you think the police are going to do? They will question you. They will want to know what you did, why you did it, why you did nothing. They will question everyone. This is not a safe situation for anyone.
If you want to continue the status quo, you need 1) to get your son into therapy. 2) To get yourself into therapy. 3) To have an ambulance on speed dial. 4) To detach from her choice to drink and ACCEPT it so that you are actually okay with that choice. You have to then believe that it's okay to drink until one passes out... and then believe that it's okay that you must call an ambulance. That has to be an acceptable way for you to live. 5) Be prepared for your son to need on-going therapy as an ACOA and/or only resolve his issues after his 3rd divorce, custody battle, or a stint in rehab.
I know what I said was way harsh – particularly number 5. I said all of what I said above because not only have I lived through having to have an ambulance on speed dial and afterwards having to divorce a maniac, I said all of that because my exAH was an ACOA. He grew up watching his addict father go from alcohol to cheating. He did have one stable parent – his mother – who became unstable from trauma. Yet he blamed her for his childhood. As an adult, he became a multiple divorcee with an addiction problem that a cocktail of antidepressants, counseling, and religion could not cure. Reading around here, his story is not uncommon. You need to start “Project Save CentralOhioSon.”
You have to file. Do it for your son, for her, and for you. If you allow the situation to go on like this, you continue paying for her to have a place to booze until she's flat on her face or dead. If you remove yourself from the equation, she will have to figure out how to finance her boozing, figure out how to clean-up after herself... she will HAVE TO booze slightly less (maybe for a short time) or at least it might be her rock bottom and she'll seek recovery. Even if she doesn't stop, at least you are no longer enabling her in any way, shape or form.
Now... she fell off a chair in the night and you didn't get up to check on her, didn't call an ambulance, and took a photo of her the next morning. Passing out from alcoholism is a medical emergency -- she's gone beyond boozing by choice now. She needs to be in a hospital. If I were you, I would file… and considering she’s in the state she’s in, ask her parents or siblings or friends to look after her while she figures out an apartment. If she doesn’t have anyone besides you, I would pay for three months rent on a cheap room for her (after three months, she’s on her own). I’m trying to think logistically here. It looks like your AW is not earning money and I wouldn’t want her to be homeless. Maybe people will disagree and say don’t pay rent for her… but if she’s just let out on the street… really bad things could happen to her (bad things happen to women on the street, really bad things). I don’t know what social services are available where you live… .
The reason I had such a hard time in court was because I didn't take any photos of my ex while he was high. The reason I did not do that was because I didn't want to humiliate him. It was only when I became seriously concerned about how I could get implicated in the legality of what he was doing that I attempted to take a video of him (attempted, not successful)... but imagine what would have happened if he found the video -- I would be dead! You have already taken photo evidence of your AW before. Do you really need to do this again? Do you show her pictures of her passed out sitting on the toilet? What for? Does your son ever see you take photos of her? Maybe this might be a way you protect yourself against gas-lighting (she might say, no, I did not fall asleep on the toilet) or maybe for court. But you don't need a photo for yourself for something you already know to be true. You have eyes and a brain. You are not a Kraft cheese single. Do you need more photos? You can file now… before COS finds AW dead from falling off the kitchen counter one morning.
I am going to say what my mother said to me shortly before my marriage broke-up: Ophelia, WAKE UP. You may think that it's okay for him to drug himself to death, but that is not a solution. If he dies in your care... in your house... what do you think the police are going to do? They will question you. They will want to know what you did, why you did it, why you did nothing. They will question everyone. This is not a safe situation for anyone.
If you want to continue the status quo, you need 1) to get your son into therapy. 2) To get yourself into therapy. 3) To have an ambulance on speed dial. 4) To detach from her choice to drink and ACCEPT it so that you are actually okay with that choice. You have to then believe that it's okay to drink until one passes out... and then believe that it's okay that you must call an ambulance. That has to be an acceptable way for you to live. 5) Be prepared for your son to need on-going therapy as an ACOA and/or only resolve his issues after his 3rd divorce, custody battle, or a stint in rehab.
I know what I said was way harsh – particularly number 5. I said all of what I said above because not only have I lived through having to have an ambulance on speed dial and afterwards having to divorce a maniac, I said all of that because my exAH was an ACOA. He grew up watching his addict father go from alcohol to cheating. He did have one stable parent – his mother – who became unstable from trauma. Yet he blamed her for his childhood. As an adult, he became a multiple divorcee with an addiction problem that a cocktail of antidepressants, counseling, and religion could not cure. Reading around here, his story is not uncommon. You need to start “Project Save CentralOhioSon.”
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