Do I Mention DS's Comment About AW?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz 
I know what I said was way harsh particularly number 5. I said all of what I said above because not only have I lived through having to have an ambulance on speed dial and afterwards having to divorce a maniac, I said all of that because my exAH was an ACOA. He grew up watching his addict father go from alcohol to cheating. He did have one stable parent his mother who became unstable from trauma. Yet he blamed her for his childhood. As an adult, he became a multiple divorcee with an addiction problem that a cocktail of antidepressants, counseling, and religion could not cure. Reading around here, his story is not uncommon. You need to start Project Save CentralOhioSon.
Ex is now in his 50s, and an angry, woman-hating, rapidly deteriorating drunk. Because of his early years, he has a continuous excuse to keep drinking - he was "traumatized" by his alcoholic mother, he has to "self-medicate" to deal with the chronic anxiety and fear from his childhood. The only woman he has ever had a successful relationship with is me (until I gave up) - all other women (bosses, teachers, classmates, my friends) have been treated as avatars of his mother, with a mix of fear, obsequiousness and rage.
He was high-functioning for a long time, until he wasn't, in midlife. He could have made different choices - it was not fated that he would turn out the way he did because his childhood was the way it was. But having that childhood made him worse, and it is now his go-to excuse for the disaster his life has become. Don't let your son be another casualty
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
I posted earlier about how I have few memories of my day to day childhood and I don't.
When you posted this thread COD, something came to mind. I remember one time getting up one night (it was probably evening, but dark, I'm guessing I was about 5 or 6) and our house was quiet. For some reason my Mom was out, this was incredibly rare but occasionally she went to a meeting or something.
I remember standing in the dining room thinking, I'm all alone. Now, my Siblings were there and my Father was there (all asleep) but I was ALONE because my Mom wasn't there.
That's how I felt. Alone.
Now, in theory children shouldn't necessarily feel that powerless but then most children don't have a threat in their house. I'm thinking most children, who come from functioning families aren't "alone" if they get up in the evening and one parent is out.
When you posted this thread COD, something came to mind. I remember one time getting up one night (it was probably evening, but dark, I'm guessing I was about 5 or 6) and our house was quiet. For some reason my Mom was out, this was incredibly rare but occasionally she went to a meeting or something.
I remember standing in the dining room thinking, I'm all alone. Now, my Siblings were there and my Father was there (all asleep) but I was ALONE because my Mom wasn't there.
That's how I felt. Alone.
Now, in theory children shouldn't necessarily feel that powerless but then most children don't have a threat in their house. I'm thinking most children, who come from functioning families aren't "alone" if they get up in the evening and one parent is out.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
The holidays are coming up, and she will go into total B*tch mode, and I don;t want him in the middle of that, not during this time of year.
sure seems to me it aint gonna matter when the papers are served- whether before or after, you and your son will be exposed to the mayhem. it wont be any different after the holidays than before.
before- you ruined MY holidays!
after-you ruined MY new year!!
february-you ruined MY spring
july-you ruined MY summer
theres no good time of year for this to occur. you wont drag your son into the middle of it and wont allow her to try and drag him into the middle of it,correct??
remember the circus music- its soothing sometimes.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
COD,
Is it possible in any way for you and your son to temporarily live someplace else simply to give a bit of physical, emotional and psychological space?
It's a small thing in the whole scope of life that can create new opportunities to start working out.
Things start to change in really good ways as we take new actions.
This has proven to be true in my life and many others. I am still married. It looks much different than I expected. That's okay with me now.
In Al‑Anon we learn how to set boundaries, to say yes when we mean yes, and no when we mean no. We no longer give to others out of obligation, control, or fear, but because we want to give. Once we begin to take better care of ourselves, we can begin to give to others in healthier ways.
Saying yes to new opportunities is very powerful.
Is it possible in any way for you and your son to temporarily live someplace else simply to give a bit of physical, emotional and psychological space?
It's a small thing in the whole scope of life that can create new opportunities to start working out.
Things start to change in really good ways as we take new actions.
This has proven to be true in my life and many others. I am still married. It looks much different than I expected. That's okay with me now.
In Al‑Anon we learn how to set boundaries, to say yes when we mean yes, and no when we mean no. We no longer give to others out of obligation, control, or fear, but because we want to give. Once we begin to take better care of ourselves, we can begin to give to others in healthier ways.
Saying yes to new opportunities is very powerful.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
To be honest....I actually do understand not wanting to introduce an "explosion" between the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays...if possible....
For most households...the holidays are a time of greater pressures, anyway....and, for children, I think we try to make it a pleasant time for them, as much as we can. Kids get so excited around Christmas and we tend to carry those memories into our adulthoods.
even with that...I have read that the holidays are a time when soo many relationships break up....at least, the DECISION to do so.....
Ironic.....
I suspect that it is a time when people who are unhappy, become more aware of it.....and, maybe, the prospect of another year coming up. adds to it...
I can still remember that I decided to divorce my children's father on December 18th......and, that was decades ago!!
Funny thing.....as I remember....I told my husband that I had seen a lawyer, to get a divorce....and he said "Fine".....then, we went Christmas shopping, together...ran into some other couples at the shopping center, and had a good time. Christmas...with the decorations, and the kids, talking to relatives, presents, etc....went quite smoothly.
You see...my husband, never did, in his wildest dreams think that I would go through with it...so, he wasn't worried, at all. (he wasn't an alcoholic...but he still was very controlling with narcissistic tendencies) ..so, he was humoring me.
Boy, was he ever wrong....
For most households...the holidays are a time of greater pressures, anyway....and, for children, I think we try to make it a pleasant time for them, as much as we can. Kids get so excited around Christmas and we tend to carry those memories into our adulthoods.
even with that...I have read that the holidays are a time when soo many relationships break up....at least, the DECISION to do so.....
Ironic.....
I suspect that it is a time when people who are unhappy, become more aware of it.....and, maybe, the prospect of another year coming up. adds to it...
I can still remember that I decided to divorce my children's father on December 18th......and, that was decades ago!!
Funny thing.....as I remember....I told my husband that I had seen a lawyer, to get a divorce....and he said "Fine".....then, we went Christmas shopping, together...ran into some other couples at the shopping center, and had a good time. Christmas...with the decorations, and the kids, talking to relatives, presents, etc....went quite smoothly.
You see...my husband, never did, in his wildest dreams think that I would go through with it...so, he wasn't worried, at all. (he wasn't an alcoholic...but he still was very controlling with narcissistic tendencies) ..so, he was humoring me.
Boy, was he ever wrong....
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I discussed divorce w/my XAH right before the Xmas holiday (a month or so), he did not want to proceed and told me he was going to prove to me he could change. I very calmly told him that I knew that would not happen, and that I was going to move forward. He begged me to wait until after the holiday, so I did. In looking back, he was as shocked as could be when I actually followed through. You see, I never had before. All empty threats.
I have to say, and I hate to, that there are times I am glad we waited.
All of my holiday memories were ruined by my XAH. For years I hated the holidays. I have since made new memories, but it was a hard time. I don't want my children to have any more bad memories to taint their holidays than they already do.
Now, what I will say is that my XAH had a big escalation during that time. So when I did end up kicking him out after the holidays, it was very, very ugly.
So in hind site, I wish I had said yes, we will wait, but only if you can keep yourself together during the holiday. If not, you will have to calmly leave.
I am just rambling here, but COD I want you to know I am ALWAYS behind you. Everyone has to do their own thing at THEIR OWN PACE. I don't feel it's appropriate to push you to do anything you are not ready to do.
Sending you a big hug!
I have to say, and I hate to, that there are times I am glad we waited.
All of my holiday memories were ruined by my XAH. For years I hated the holidays. I have since made new memories, but it was a hard time. I don't want my children to have any more bad memories to taint their holidays than they already do.
Now, what I will say is that my XAH had a big escalation during that time. So when I did end up kicking him out after the holidays, it was very, very ugly.
So in hind site, I wish I had said yes, we will wait, but only if you can keep yourself together during the holiday. If not, you will have to calmly leave.
I am just rambling here, but COD I want you to know I am ALWAYS behind you. Everyone has to do their own thing at THEIR OWN PACE. I don't feel it's appropriate to push you to do anything you are not ready to do.
Sending you a big hug!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
COD....not chiming in with any finger wagging or quotation marks. Your wife falling off the kitchen island is dangerous, though. If I could turn back time (shut up, Cher!) I would have called 911 when my AH fell into the koi pond. Not because he was in real danger of drowning. (after I turned his head sideways for him - - I wasn't strong enough to get him out by myself). No, in hindsight, I would have called 911 to have the medical record of the incident, like I now have medical records of the seizure and the ICU incident. I'm not urging you in any direction with your wife - - Only YOU will know when/if it's time to pull the plug on that. It will be beneficial for you to have evidence of her drunkenness....just not at the expense of what the law may see as what is appropriate in the moment.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Good Morning, SR Friends,
I had read, re-read, digested, and taken to heart all that has been written here, and I appreciate it. For some people it has been possibly therapeutic as it has brought out memories for the past that might have triggered something - good or bad. I know you all care for me and my son, and that means more than you know.
However, I think we have gotten far away from the theme of the original post, and because of that, I am moving away from this thread. My next step was to J.A.D.E - we shouldn't do it for our qualifiers, I don't think I need to feel I need to do it here. I know my situation, I know how long I've been on SR - I know all of those things.
I will continue to help those on this board deal with their issues. If anyone prefers to keep sharing their history and talking things out for their benefit, I highly encourage that, but I will not be posting any more updates on this topic.
Thank you for all you do, this place is a Godsend.
COD
I had read, re-read, digested, and taken to heart all that has been written here, and I appreciate it. For some people it has been possibly therapeutic as it has brought out memories for the past that might have triggered something - good or bad. I know you all care for me and my son, and that means more than you know.
However, I think we have gotten far away from the theme of the original post, and because of that, I am moving away from this thread. My next step was to J.A.D.E - we shouldn't do it for our qualifiers, I don't think I need to feel I need to do it here. I know my situation, I know how long I've been on SR - I know all of those things.
I will continue to help those on this board deal with their issues. If anyone prefers to keep sharing their history and talking things out for their benefit, I highly encourage that, but I will not be posting any more updates on this topic.
Thank you for all you do, this place is a Godsend.
COD
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I am just rambling here, but COD I want you to know I am ALWAYS behind you. Everyone has to do their own thing at THEIR OWN PACE. I don't feel it's appropriate to push you to do anything you are not ready to do.
Sending you a big hug!
Yes 👍🏻
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
