Empaths and codependency.
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Empaths and codependency.
Reading a very good book just now "The empaths survival guide" by Judith Orloff M.D.
The reason I started reading was I am highly sensitive to other people's energy as well as to light and sound. It's been extremely sunny and bright lately where I am and I get irritated by it a lot, even though I love nature and energy I get outdoors. Definitely an empath.
She states that for some empaths, empathy can turn into codependency. They have such big hearts they get caught up in caretaking roles, attending to others more than themselves. They are not used to setting boundaries with time and energy.
No coincidence there! As much as I miss the addict I was with, when I didn't have any boundaries with my time and energy, I felt drained, a lot!
Anyone other empaths here with insights into codependency?
The reason I started reading was I am highly sensitive to other people's energy as well as to light and sound. It's been extremely sunny and bright lately where I am and I get irritated by it a lot, even though I love nature and energy I get outdoors. Definitely an empath.
She states that for some empaths, empathy can turn into codependency. They have such big hearts they get caught up in caretaking roles, attending to others more than themselves. They are not used to setting boundaries with time and energy.
No coincidence there! As much as I miss the addict I was with, when I didn't have any boundaries with my time and energy, I felt drained, a lot!
Anyone other empaths here with insights into codependency?
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Fits me to a "T." I might have to check out that book.
I too live in an area that is very sunny and arid. I never have liked it here. I feel better when it is overcast and cool. Rainy is even better.
Besides relationships, I have gotten hooked into too many churches and other groups that triggered me. This is the new frontier of recovery work for me.
Thanks for sharing!!!
I too live in an area that is very sunny and arid. I never have liked it here. I feel better when it is overcast and cool. Rainy is even better.
Besides relationships, I have gotten hooked into too many churches and other groups that triggered me. This is the new frontier of recovery work for me.
Thanks for sharing!!!
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Originally Posted by Eauchiche 
Fits me to a "T." I might have to check out that book.
I too live in an area that is very sunny and arid. I never have liked it here. I feel better when it is overcast and cool. Rainy is even better.
Besides relationships, I have gotten hooked into too many churches and other groups that triggered me. This is the new frontier of recovery work for me.
Thanks for sharing!!!
I too live in an area that is very sunny and arid. I never have liked it here. I feel better when it is overcast and cool. Rainy is even better.
Besides relationships, I have gotten hooked into too many churches and other groups that triggered me. This is the new frontier of recovery work for me.
Thanks for sharing!!!
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Yes! Describes me to a T. My family and friends have always described me as knowing when something is going on with them and apparently asking questions well before they are ready to talk about it (apparently its a bit annoying). This is my biggest challenge in setting boundaries the fact that I can feel the moods and energy of others and try not to take them on as my own. Its very very difficult for me.
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I don't know that I am an empath but I struggle with many of the "symptoms" of being very sensitive to energy. I get especially overwhelmed by crowds and loud disruptive noises. Funnily enough in the last month of our relationship, the house behind ours had this very loud party - like so loud it even sounded like it was a nightclub in the interior of our house and I thought I was gonna lose my mind. To his credit, my xab went over and asked them to turn it down and all was well, but he did seem to think I was overreacting a bit (even if it was almost midnight and he acknowledged the volume).
I've seen a therapist for awhile who has recommended reading on being a highly sensitive person - particularly a survival guide. Sadly, I haven't done any of that yet, but the book you are reading also sounds helpful and I will add to the list. I am new to realizing just how codependent I am so have no wisdom to add there.
I will say I have a tendency to get very overwhelmed with other people's struggles - like I can literally feel their pain and sometimes to the point I can actually push people away when I am feeling my own because assumption is that they "catch the pain" the same way. Wow, learning a lot about myself today. Thank you for bringing up this topic.
I've seen a therapist for awhile who has recommended reading on being a highly sensitive person - particularly a survival guide. Sadly, I haven't done any of that yet, but the book you are reading also sounds helpful and I will add to the list. I am new to realizing just how codependent I am so have no wisdom to add there.
I will say I have a tendency to get very overwhelmed with other people's struggles - like I can literally feel their pain and sometimes to the point I can actually push people away when I am feeling my own because assumption is that they "catch the pain" the same way. Wow, learning a lot about myself today. Thank you for bringing up this topic.
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Your welcome fighting fair, I can relate to the noise thing it really affects me. Can highly recommend this book, it's great reading.
"Empaths are targets for narcissists, because empaths are sensitive, attentive, innocent or even gullible, and are easy to drain because they lack the usual defenses most people have".
Boy have I been feeling gullible the last few days when I look back.
"Empaths are targets for narcissists, because empaths are sensitive, attentive, innocent or even gullible, and are easy to drain because they lack the usual defenses most people have".
Boy have I been feeling gullible the last few days when I look back.
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I too have the issue with knowing something is up and annoying others with that knowledge. My xab also had this "gift" - sometimes even more perceptive than me ... which often made me wonder led to his heavy drinking. I know in the past I have had an issue using booze to "turn off" other people's energy.
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Originally Posted by fightingfair
I too have the issue with knowing something is up and annoying others with that knowledge. My xab also had this "gift" - sometimes even more perceptive than me ... which often made me wonder led to his heavy drinking. I know in the past I have had an issue using booze to "turn off" other people's energy.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Interesting you mention that. The author is a medical doctor, but in her early days used drugs and alcohol to shut off other people's energy too. Says it's very common and lot of alcoholics and drug addicts do this unknown to themselves.
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Originally Posted by AutumnMama
I was going to comment that my alcoholic husband seems more like an empath than I do, haha! But I don't identify with the "caretaking" aspect of codependency, so maybe that makes sense
She also states that many empaths reach for painkillers such as Tylenol, as research shows they can decrease empathy.
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I think there are empaths and I think there are people who just can't deal with emotion full stop. For instance in the funeral example, some people just cant deal with that type of situation so might have a drink beforehand.
With empathy, , just like with codependency (as an example) just leaving it flapping in the wind is not a good idea.
As with codependency where you do not want to be left at the whim of someone else, with empathy your defense should be the same. It serves no one if you are dragged around by Aunt Sally's latest financial disaster and ensuing sadness.
Your emotions are precious and make you vulnerable, in all cases, be that in relationships or being empathetic you need to have boundaries.
It is entirely possible to control this and extend sympathy instead and to not be so open to others emotions.
With empathy, , just like with codependency (as an example) just leaving it flapping in the wind is not a good idea.
As with codependency where you do not want to be left at the whim of someone else, with empathy your defense should be the same. It serves no one if you are dragged around by Aunt Sally's latest financial disaster and ensuing sadness.
Your emotions are precious and make you vulnerable, in all cases, be that in relationships or being empathetic you need to have boundaries.
It is entirely possible to control this and extend sympathy instead and to not be so open to others emotions.
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I agree with trailmix. When I was younger I was so affected by everyone else's emotions - and I still can be to some degree. I learned that at my mother's knee. She thought she was in control of the Universe.
I read all kinds of stuff about HSP and empaths...and spirit readers like Mediums and the like.
When I drank, it made it all so much worse - I had no control over my emotions or my personal boundaries at all.
I think I just have to choose wisely which emotions I'm going to allow to stick around. If someone else is going nuts or acting irrational and I don't try to fix it or to calm them down I've learned that affects my own serenity. The less I say, the better for me. I have to detach and understand that everyone has to deal with their own inner demons and their own sensitivity.
It's not so much being sensitive to their emotions, I think everyone has that ability - it's more being too sensitive to my own emotions and not being comfortable with that. I don't like it when other people are stressed or hurt - but I have to get over that and, "Don't do something, just stand there."
I read all kinds of stuff about HSP and empaths...and spirit readers like Mediums and the like.
When I drank, it made it all so much worse - I had no control over my emotions or my personal boundaries at all.
I think I just have to choose wisely which emotions I'm going to allow to stick around. If someone else is going nuts or acting irrational and I don't try to fix it or to calm them down I've learned that affects my own serenity. The less I say, the better for me. I have to detach and understand that everyone has to deal with their own inner demons and their own sensitivity.
It's not so much being sensitive to their emotions, I think everyone has that ability - it's more being too sensitive to my own emotions and not being comfortable with that. I don't like it when other people are stressed or hurt - but I have to get over that and, "Don't do something, just stand there."
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
I agree with trailmix. When I was younger I was so affected by everyone else's emotions - and I still can be to some degree. I learned that at my mother's knee. She thought she was in control of the Universe.
I read all kinds of stuff about HSP and empaths...and spirit readers like Mediums and the like.
When I drank, it made it all so much worse - I had no control over my emotions or my personal boundaries at all.
I think I just have to choose wisely which emotions I'm going to allow to stick around. If someone else is going nuts or acting irrational and I don't try to fix it or to calm them down I've learned that affects my own serenity. The less I say, the better for me. I have to detach and understand that everyone has to deal with their own inner demons and their own sensitivity.
It's not so much being sensitive to their emotions, I think everyone has that ability - it's more being too sensitive to my own emotions and not being comfortable with that. I don't like it when other people are stressed or hurt - but I have to get over that and, "Don't do something, just stand there."
I read all kinds of stuff about HSP and empaths...and spirit readers like Mediums and the like.
When I drank, it made it all so much worse - I had no control over my emotions or my personal boundaries at all.
I think I just have to choose wisely which emotions I'm going to allow to stick around. If someone else is going nuts or acting irrational and I don't try to fix it or to calm them down I've learned that affects my own serenity. The less I say, the better for me. I have to detach and understand that everyone has to deal with their own inner demons and their own sensitivity.
It's not so much being sensitive to their emotions, I think everyone has that ability - it's more being too sensitive to my own emotions and not being comfortable with that. I don't like it when other people are stressed or hurt - but I have to get over that and, "Don't do something, just stand there."
"Empaths have an extremely reactive neurological system. We don't have same filters other people do to block out stimulation".
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She really has a lot of good material in this book.
She says in love, there is a constant battle for an empath with wanting a soulmate and being afraid at same time of being drained, trapped or loosing yourself. Empaths often choose unavailable people. They never let the empath get close enough to experience their fears of intimacy.
Empaths often become attached to the wrong people because they want to bring out the best in them (sounds familiar). "This person just needs love and then they'll open their heart to me". It's a form of attachment where where we cling to someone with a death grip, hoping that person will change.....
She says in love, there is a constant battle for an empath with wanting a soulmate and being afraid at same time of being drained, trapped or loosing yourself. Empaths often choose unavailable people. They never let the empath get close enough to experience their fears of intimacy.
Empaths often become attached to the wrong people because they want to bring out the best in them (sounds familiar). "This person just needs love and then they'll open their heart to me". It's a form of attachment where where we cling to someone with a death grip, hoping that person will change.....
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Originally Posted by fightingfair
Wow, this describes my entire romantic history. Getting book today!
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Well, there's a difference between being empathic & having a lot of empathy so make sure that you're differentiating the 2.
True empaths "know" without knowing, but an empathetic person responds with empathy to an external situation/trigger. (hearing someone's story, responding to their body language, etc.)
You can be both but for me I'm only Codie when I'm being overly empathetic - that's when I'm trying to problem solve or "fix" someone else - that's when I'm being reactive & action based. Like Bimini said - this is when I'm uncomfortable with someone else's pain & am trying to take it away somehow.
In early recovery this was all one big emotional mess inside of me but in separating behaviors from personal characteristics, I've been able to also separate this as well.
Here's an example - I picked my BFF up last Saturday for some shopping & lunch. I was in a great, upbeat, productive mood but I knew she'd had a rough couple of weeks & needed some downtime to just chill & not think/talk. After a while, I noticed I was feeling a bit foggy in the head, was having a hard time organizing any thoughts & started to feel rushed & out of sorts. I couldn't keep my "to do" list straight in my head & had to keep stopping my day to reorient myself & write stuff down. I was exhausted all of a sudden, starting to get a headache, etc. I thought maybe I needed to eat but still continued to feel worse after lunch.
About an hour after I dropped her off at home I started to feel noticeably better & thought, whew! IDK what that was but glad I'm feeling better - I was almost thinking I was coming down with something. What changed? Then it hit me - while we were sharing space that day I was also absorbing her feelings.... I wondered if everything I started to experience was what she'd been feeling for a few days & if I was just picking up on her energy. When I asked I found that I was exactly right. Since she's my friend, I wasn't guarded/grounded going into my day with her - my emotional grid was wide open. (I've worked with empaths & intuitive people/energy workers from all over the world through my spiritual center & they've taught me all kinds of grounding tricks - I know better but wasn't getting armored up for a day with a friend, you know?) Once I got some distance, I returned to my happy, productive mood.
That's not me being empathetic - that's empathic. She never said a word to me about how she was feeling until I asked later. She never said "I feel sad/foggy/headachy/upset" nor did she act in any way that made me think she was - it was ALL feelings that started in the gut.
https://thehappysensitive.com/being-...l-differences/
True empaths "know" without knowing, but an empathetic person responds with empathy to an external situation/trigger. (hearing someone's story, responding to their body language, etc.)
You can be both but for me I'm only Codie when I'm being overly empathetic - that's when I'm trying to problem solve or "fix" someone else - that's when I'm being reactive & action based. Like Bimini said - this is when I'm uncomfortable with someone else's pain & am trying to take it away somehow.
In early recovery this was all one big emotional mess inside of me but in separating behaviors from personal characteristics, I've been able to also separate this as well.
Here's an example - I picked my BFF up last Saturday for some shopping & lunch. I was in a great, upbeat, productive mood but I knew she'd had a rough couple of weeks & needed some downtime to just chill & not think/talk. After a while, I noticed I was feeling a bit foggy in the head, was having a hard time organizing any thoughts & started to feel rushed & out of sorts. I couldn't keep my "to do" list straight in my head & had to keep stopping my day to reorient myself & write stuff down. I was exhausted all of a sudden, starting to get a headache, etc. I thought maybe I needed to eat but still continued to feel worse after lunch.
About an hour after I dropped her off at home I started to feel noticeably better & thought, whew! IDK what that was but glad I'm feeling better - I was almost thinking I was coming down with something. What changed? Then it hit me - while we were sharing space that day I was also absorbing her feelings.... I wondered if everything I started to experience was what she'd been feeling for a few days & if I was just picking up on her energy. When I asked I found that I was exactly right. Since she's my friend, I wasn't guarded/grounded going into my day with her - my emotional grid was wide open. (I've worked with empaths & intuitive people/energy workers from all over the world through my spiritual center & they've taught me all kinds of grounding tricks - I know better but wasn't getting armored up for a day with a friend, you know?) Once I got some distance, I returned to my happy, productive mood.
That's not me being empathetic - that's empathic. She never said a word to me about how she was feeling until I asked later. She never said "I feel sad/foggy/headachy/upset" nor did she act in any way that made me think she was - it was ALL feelings that started in the gut.
https://thehappysensitive.com/being-...l-differences/
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Hi Glenjo,
From the Self-Care thread in regards to spiritual self-care:
"Spiritual self-care is applicable to atheists and agonistics as much as to those who relate to being spiritual or religious.
Spiritual self-care is about getting in touch with your values and what really matters to you."
Empath or empathy, many people have the potential for both. In getting in touch with our own self-values from daily self-care and growth, everything finds a new balance, a new expression. To note, one of the most cool things about gathering and filtering new information as is comes to us is the the power of "I don't give a F." and the power of meditation. Letting go of caring about all the new info gives it a chance to naturally, easily be filtered by self-knowing and intuition. The brain can be told, "thanks for all you do for me. I'm doing things differently now. Rest, have fun and chill for a bit."
The heart and gut have neurons also. Allowing the brain to rest, asking the heart and gut to engage strengthens these connections.
#livinginthesolution
From the Self-Care thread in regards to spiritual self-care:
"Spiritual self-care is applicable to atheists and agonistics as much as to those who relate to being spiritual or religious.
Spiritual self-care is about getting in touch with your values and what really matters to you."
Empath or empathy, many people have the potential for both. In getting in touch with our own self-values from daily self-care and growth, everything finds a new balance, a new expression. To note, one of the most cool things about gathering and filtering new information as is comes to us is the the power of "I don't give a F." and the power of meditation. Letting go of caring about all the new info gives it a chance to naturally, easily be filtered by self-knowing and intuition. The brain can be told, "thanks for all you do for me. I'm doing things differently now. Rest, have fun and chill for a bit."
The heart and gut have neurons also. Allowing the brain to rest, asking the heart and gut to engage strengthens these connections.
#livinginthesolution
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As far as weather, move to the Pacific Northwest. We get rain 8 months of the year. It's gorgeous here, the climate isn't called a temperate rain forest for nothing.
Originally Posted by Eauchiche
Fits me to a "T." I might have to check out that book.
I too live in an area that is very sunny and arid. I never have liked it here. I feel better when it is overcast and cool. Rainy is even better.
Besides relationships, I have gotten hooked into too many churches and other groups that triggered me. This is the new frontier of recovery work for me.
Thanks for sharing!!!
I too live in an area that is very sunny and arid. I never have liked it here. I feel better when it is overcast and cool. Rainy is even better.
Besides relationships, I have gotten hooked into too many churches and other groups that triggered me. This is the new frontier of recovery work for me.
Thanks for sharing!!!
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