Empaths and codependency.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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I think I am pretty empathetic, maybe to a fault, but I am not empathic much anymore. I can sense peoples feelings when they are around me (I think most people can?) but I don't allow their feelings to be my own. I actually get annoyed or disgusted by other people's feelings sometimes, which I have to make a conscious decision to not let myself get wrapped up in it. Most of the time I win, sometimes I lose 
I grew up with an overly-emotional alcoholic mother, though, and part of me associates a lot of "feelings' with her alcohol-induced meltdowns. She was such a great victim. So I mentally ran away from a lot of emotions because I didn't want to be like her. My work right now is to drag myself back from that extreme a little bit.
Two sides to every coin, right?
I grew up with an overly-emotional alcoholic mother, though, and part of me associates a lot of "feelings' with her alcohol-induced meltdowns. She was such a great victim. So I mentally ran away from a lot of emotions because I didn't want to be like her. My work right now is to drag myself back from that extreme a little bit.
Two sides to every coin, right?
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Originally Posted by AutumnMama 
I think I am pretty empathetic, maybe to a fault, but I am not empathic much anymore. I can sense peoples feelings when they are around me (I think most people can?) but I don't allow their feelings to be my own. I actually get annoyed or disgusted by other people's feelings sometimes, which I have to make a conscious decision to not let myself get wrapped up in it. Most of the time I win, sometimes I lose
I grew up with an overly-emotional alcoholic mother, though, and part of me associates a lot of "feelings' with her alcohol-induced meltdowns. She was such a great victim. So I mentally ran away from a lot of emotions because I didn't want to be like her. My work right now is to drag myself back from that extreme a little bit.
Two sides to every coin, right?
I grew up with an overly-emotional alcoholic mother, though, and part of me associates a lot of "feelings' with her alcohol-induced meltdowns. She was such a great victim. So I mentally ran away from a lot of emotions because I didn't want to be like her. My work right now is to drag myself back from that extreme a little bit.
Two sides to every coin, right?
I have family members who if I'm around too long, tend to "dump" on me if I allow it. I can feel it in my shoulders getting stressed and generally not feeling good. I have detached a lot from them in recent months and it has helped.
This author says, "venting feels healthy and is time limited" but "dumping feels toxic and goes on and on". It includes playing the victim. I have less time for that now.
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Join Date: Oct 2018
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Originally Posted by ;
I think I am pretty empathetic, maybe to a fault, but I am not empathic much anymore. I can sense peoples feelings when they are around me (I think most people can?) but I don't allow their feelings to be my own. I actually get annoyed or disgusted by other people's feelings sometimes, which I have to make a conscious decision to not let myself get wrapped up in it. Most of the time I win, sometimes I lose
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
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Don't know if I'm a true empath or not, but I am very sensitive to changes in temperature, especially heat, bright lights, loud noises, and crowds. I find those things very draining. I have never drunk or taken drugs to muffle my feelings, I used to muffle my feelings with art. In recent years, since meeting my XAH, I have simply become depressed (but not sure if it's "true", clinical depression). I suspect I am higher on the empath scale than some people.
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Very interesting. I fit the empath mold as well (constantly picking up information from other people, very sensitive to social cues whether I want to be sensitive to them or not). It sometimes feels like I can't shut down my awareness of what's going on around me. In my case I think it's linked to a) hypervigilance (hello, 25 years with an active and mentally ill alcoholic!) and b) introversion (not a bad thing, but includes the need to get away from too much awareness of other people).
Being high on empathy also has its good points - it has helped me a lot professionally because it makes me a good teacher, communicator, interviewer, facilitator etc because I can pick up what's going on with group dynamics and adjust (someone once told me I would make an excellent hostage negotiator). I'm not sure if that's worth the getting-triggered crap that goes along with it.
OKatz' comment about using art to muffle feelings is really interesting because I have wondered sometimes if that's what I do too.
Being high on empathy also has its good points - it has helped me a lot professionally because it makes me a good teacher, communicator, interviewer, facilitator etc because I can pick up what's going on with group dynamics and adjust (someone once told me I would make an excellent hostage negotiator). I'm not sure if that's worth the getting-triggered crap that goes along with it.
OKatz' comment about using art to muffle feelings is really interesting because I have wondered sometimes if that's what I do too.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
She says in love, there is a constant battle for an empath with wanting a soulmate and being afraid at same time of being drained, trapped or loosing yourself. Empaths often choose unavailable people. They never let the empath get close enough to experience their fears of intimacy.
Empaths often become attached to the wrong people because they want to bring out the best in them (sounds familiar). "This person just needs love and then they'll open their heart to me". It's a form of attachment where where we cling to someone with a death grip, hoping that person will change.....
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Lots of mind-blowing stuff in the book.
For me the taking on of other people's energy as an empath is very similar to the taking on everybody elses emotions in codependency.
"Codependents may think and feel responsible for other people for other people's feelings, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny" ~ melody Beattie.
Empaths feel thing first, then think, which is the opposite of how most people function".
For me the taking on of other people's energy as an empath is very similar to the taking on everybody elses emotions in codependency.
"Codependents may think and feel responsible for other people for other people's feelings, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny" ~ melody Beattie.
Empaths feel thing first, then think, which is the opposite of how most people function".
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My son (who has autism spectrum disorder) always knew when dad was off the wagon. Before I did. He is an empath to a degree - although lacks understanding of social cues, just very sensitive to others distress and can’t stand seeing anyone in distress, or even parents raising their voice at kids....had a massive meltdown once in circus because lions were in cages and a trainer used a switch on one - he cried for hours, because lion did not want to jump. Same with zoos - never liked them (I don’t either, I sort of feel trapped on behalf of animals I guess)
One of the early sings was him being super clingy and worrying about dad moods. He can’t even handle dad being mildly irritated when sober these days - which seems to be dads perpetual state
People drain me. My son taught me the most - with teenage moods on top of autism I have no choice other than shove my empath qualities where sun does not shine and step outside to get fresh air.
He is slowly but surely figuring this self regulation thing out - his dad never did
One of the early sings was him being super clingy and worrying about dad moods. He can’t even handle dad being mildly irritated when sober these days - which seems to be dads perpetual state
People drain me. My son taught me the most - with teenage moods on top of autism I have no choice other than shove my empath qualities where sun does not shine and step outside to get fresh air.
He is slowly but surely figuring this self regulation thing out - his dad never did
Life is good
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Being an empath means that you’re highly sensitive to any energies of other people, places, and also nature. Your sensitivity can often cause an emotional and mental rollercoaster. Thus it’s important to know how to protect yourself as an empath.
I was 22 when I first heard about empaths. A friend who I met while living in China told me that he’s an empath and thus he feels other people’s energies in his body. At that moment something weighty just lifted. I realized why I felt so sad when I was surrounded by individuals who have given up on their lives or why I didn’t want to stay in specific environments, and my energy always would go down.
I realized why I felt so sad when I was surrounded by people who have given up on their lives or why I didn’t want to stay in certain environments, and my energy always would go down.
As an empath (or perhaps some of you are healers, too) the amount of energy is disbalancing you. Anything can take you out of your core, and you can easily get lost with it.
But when you become more stable, and you begin to take care of your energies consciously, you can walk in an overcrowded street, and you feel open and good.
Instead of allowing your environment to affect your mood, you find the source of stability within yourself. The balanced energy doesn’t harm you or the others.
If you think that this is too esoteric or spiritual, let me put it in plain English:
As an empath, you tend to close yourself and withdraw from people and also your dreams.
You feel like the world is too complicated and burdensome to cope with. Thus you can destroy your relationship with a person you love, or you can choose not to follow your dreams because it feels too overwhelming – it’s your chaotic energy that overwhelms you.
But if you learn to protect and balance yourself, you create less drama in your life. You’ll not be as moody as you used to and you can use this extra time to create something beautiful or enjoy the presence of your beloved ones.
Remember, you only take in the energy of others when you allow it.
Even if you want to help others, you cannot help them by feeling like a mess. You have to balance your energy, heal your wounds and then you can be there for people who need you.
I was 22 when I first heard about empaths. A friend who I met while living in China told me that he’s an empath and thus he feels other people’s energies in his body. At that moment something weighty just lifted. I realized why I felt so sad when I was surrounded by individuals who have given up on their lives or why I didn’t want to stay in specific environments, and my energy always would go down.
I realized why I felt so sad when I was surrounded by people who have given up on their lives or why I didn’t want to stay in certain environments, and my energy always would go down.
As an empath (or perhaps some of you are healers, too) the amount of energy is disbalancing you. Anything can take you out of your core, and you can easily get lost with it.
But when you become more stable, and you begin to take care of your energies consciously, you can walk in an overcrowded street, and you feel open and good.
Instead of allowing your environment to affect your mood, you find the source of stability within yourself. The balanced energy doesn’t harm you or the others.
If you think that this is too esoteric or spiritual, let me put it in plain English:
As an empath, you tend to close yourself and withdraw from people and also your dreams.
You feel like the world is too complicated and burdensome to cope with. Thus you can destroy your relationship with a person you love, or you can choose not to follow your dreams because it feels too overwhelming – it’s your chaotic energy that overwhelms you.
But if you learn to protect and balance yourself, you create less drama in your life. You’ll not be as moody as you used to and you can use this extra time to create something beautiful or enjoy the presence of your beloved ones.
Remember, you only take in the energy of others when you allow it.
Even if you want to help others, you cannot help them by feeling like a mess. You have to balance your energy, heal your wounds and then you can be there for people who need you.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Reading a very good book just now "The empaths survival guide" by Judith Orloff M.D.
The reason I started reading was I am highly sensitive to other people's energy as well as to light and sound. It's been extremely sunny and bright lately where I am and I get irritated by it a lot, even though I love nature and energy I get outdoors. Definitely an empath.
I got burnt out from my profession because of being an empath. But fortunately my therapist is teaching me about how to separate myself from other people's emotions or pain. It's really difficult to explain to a therapist how I get so sad when I listen to other people's pain. It's because I've suffered pain and I don't want someone else to suffer what I suffer from. It's not because their pain makes me scared or angry that I'm going to feel their pain and need to control it. That's not it at all. During an IOP a bunch of the interns were treating me that way when the sounds were bothering me. They insinuated that I was being controlling. It wasn't about being controlling. It was that the sounds were so loud and made me uncomfortable. I need to keep my life peaceful and calm. Maybe it's PTSD or something. But I still believe I was born an empath or an old soul.
She states that for some empaths, empathy can turn into codependency. They have such big hearts they get caught up in caretaking roles, attending to others more than themselves. They are not used to setting boundaries with time and energy.
No coincidence there! As much as I miss the addict I was with, when I didn't have any boundaries with my time and energy, I felt drained, a lot!
Anyone other empaths here with insights into codependency?
Being in recovery and therapy is giving me the freedom to find myself and my own identity--which was not allowed while I was growing up or even as a young adult. This, in turn, is helping me not be codependent. Even something like meditation and yoga which help me look within are helping me a lot. I am still an empath, but I am finding that I am able to separate myself more from other people's feelings, emotions, problems, etc. And I just avoid places with loud sounds and lights or anything that takes away my inner peace.
My therapist taught me that I can't fix anyone but myself. I am finding so much freedom in just focusing on fixing myself, being true to myself, and letting myself have my own identity separate from anyone else including and especially family.
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