mamabear26

Hello everyone, I hope everyone is doing well on this Sunday.

So it is the 2nd time since I have begun "supervised" visits. The first weekend went okay. Things were positive and cordial. However, for the last 2 weeks my STBAXH had been bugging about seeing the kids on Halloween. I was hesitate to say yes. I kept telling him "we'll see." Finally, the day before Halloween (this past Tuesday), I said yes he could come with us treat or tricking around my neighborhood. He said he would be bring candy, making this whole big deal about it. He wanted to me ask the boys if they would want him to come. My DS11 said "he didn't care." My DS7 said "he can come as long as he is not drinking." I told my X their responses and he was upset/sad that DS7 responded like that.

The day of Halloween arrived and guess what....he never showed up or called. Yesterday, he showed up at 11:30am when technically his time starts at 9am. He wanted to take DS7 with him back to his Mom's. I said no. I told him I haven't seen any positive changes with his drinking. He got upset. DS11 didn't want to see him yesterday. So we end up going to the park across the street from my house. He played with Legos with DS7 at a table while I was sitting at another table reading a book.

So this morning, he arrived shortly after 9am, he looked like crap. His clothes were missed matched and looked like he barely woke up. I didn't get close enough to smell him but he looked completely hung over. He wanted to take DS7 to Wal-Mart to get a toy. I told him that I would follow him in my car and he could get off with him while I waited in the parking lot. We did just that. X comes back after buying a toy for DS7 and puts him in my car and leaves. It is now 10:30ish am here and his "visiting time" is up at 2pm and he has not shown up. I am assuming he is not going to try to see either kids for the rest of the day. I know that his football team is playing right now so I am guessing that is what he did after he left DS7.


As many of you know, the promises to get better never last. He can be good and making an effort for a day then the next day it is a different story. He still continues to call throughout the week and the times I do answer he is drunk. I know that he is frustrated with me because I don't give him but from what I can tell he is getting progressively worse. But overall, kids and I had a great Halloween as usual. I try my best to make the holidays fun for them. Ugh! I just needed to vent to people who understand.

trailmix

Consequences, he's not getting that at all. He treats people badly then doesn't quite understand why they aren't all warm and fuzzy. Strange that!

Sounds like there is resentment from the boys (which is completely understandable). How much do they understand about alcoholism? Do they just know that Dad drinks/is drunk sometimes or do they know how alcohol affects the brain.

I ask because resentment is hard, hard on them and perhaps if they understood more about the affects of alcohol on the brain they might understand a bit better why Dad is so erratic.

Not to excuse him at all but for their sake, so they can go ok, it's not that he doesn't care about us specifically, he's just out of control. It's the whole they aren't drinking AT you, just drinking thing. We usually talk about it in reference to the SO but I think it applies to kids as well.

AnvilheadII

gosh, this is difficult. altho feeble at best, he has made SOME effort to show up, mostly. sort of. but at the same time, he is not showing up on time or at all sometimes. and his inconsistency affects the boys greatly, and also imposes upon your time.

since you have holidays coming up, i hope the visitation is clear cut on which days, what times, etc. so he's not calling at the last minute to change the schedule to suit his whims??

IMHO, there needs to be some slightly stronger "rules" about just how late he can be for visitation. if visitation starts at 9:30, then you have a 30 minute window for traffic, plumbing leaks, etc. however i think it is unfair (and enabling) to allow him to just show up whenever HE feels like it. AND to check out before visitation is over. this is precious time reserved for him with his kids, and it must be "protected" on both sides.

if he cannot make the effort to be on time for his kids, stay the amount of allowed time with his kids, then his actions let everyone, particularly the children, know what is and is not a priority for him.

in fact, it might be time consider reducing his visitation days, since two seem to be too much. and no extra days, since he failed to show for halloween. that does not prevent him from seeing his children, it just limits the amount of time he'll have to take out of his busy, active life (insert sarcasm) to shower, bathe, and arrive on time.

Michsm

Hang in there sounds like a tough situation, especially for your boys

hopeful4

Ugh. My heart hurts for your boys. I know there is lots of confusion and there will be growing resentment. You can only be there for them and protect them, and you are doing an excellent job of that. Big hugs!

Sasha1972

You've got sympathy from me too. It's amazing how much random chaos an alcoholic create around something which should be really simple: show up when you said you would show up and do what you said you would do.

Mango212

Hi mamabear,

Happy Monday. (((hugs)))

How are you doing today? How is your self-care through this?

I'm planning on making a taco salad for dinner tonight. Easy. Colorful. Planning for leftovers.

Sending good wishes and vibes.

CentralOhioDad

That.Just.Sucks.

So sorry

NYCDoglvr

With active alcoholics only actions matter. Words are meaningless.