Codependents have an overdeveloped belief in their own power......
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
Glenjo...I see what you are saying---but, remember that the parents or caregivers were not always in "recovery" during the time their children were little...….
I think that the child learns how to "manipulate" their environment (and the people)---in the sense that they learn what works--in order to stay safe...or get their essential needs met, or sometimes, just to survive.
They may learn, for instance...that if they stay very quiet or stay under the radar...Dad won't hit me or mom won't yell at me. Or
If I make really good grades and help a lot around the house...my parents will be happy and my family will be happy again (small children often assume that they are the cause of parental unhappiness or problems)…..
The thing is...the methods that children use to survive or cope with their environment are actually "functional" for the situation...in, that, it allows the child to survive. However these same methods may be dysfunctional as they use these learned behaviors in their adult lives.....
I think that the child learns how to "manipulate" their environment (and the people)---in the sense that they learn what works--in order to stay safe...or get their essential needs met, or sometimes, just to survive.
They may learn, for instance...that if they stay very quiet or stay under the radar...Dad won't hit me or mom won't yell at me. Or
If I make really good grades and help a lot around the house...my parents will be happy and my family will be happy again (small children often assume that they are the cause of parental unhappiness or problems)…..
The thing is...the methods that children use to survive or cope with their environment are actually "functional" for the situation...in, that, it allows the child to survive. However these same methods may be dysfunctional as they use these learned behaviors in their adult lives.....
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Originally Posted by trailmix
What's kind of implied but not stated above is that is actually the truth in childhood. You DO have the power to make your parents feel that way (in general).
I actually disagree with you on that part, about you do have the power to make our parents feel that way. We don't! Nobody can make anyone feel anything, it's their choice how they choose to reaction to behaviours. Yes people can be triggered by others, and feelings come up, but ultimately they can't make you feel it. This is the Crux of recovering from codependency is it not? Realising we are responsible for our own reactions, behaviours, feelings etc.
That's why the piece I read made so much sense. As kids we thought WE had that power over our parents, we didn't. They had the choice, their own power. We only ever had ours too.
I actually disagree with you on that part, about you do have the power to make our parents feel that way. We don't! Nobody can make anyone feel anything, it's their choice how they choose to reaction to behaviours. Yes people can be triggered by others, and feelings come up, but ultimately they can't make you feel it. This is the Crux of recovering from codependency is it not? Realising we are responsible for our own reactions, behaviours, feelings etc.
That's why the piece I read made so much sense. As kids we thought WE had that power over our parents, we didn't. They had the choice, their own power. We only ever had ours too.
And that is the thing. Most parents aren't in co-dependency recovery lol.
How you behave (or don't behave) has a direct impact on parents (this is a generalization of course, as was my original comment, there are other situations).
Yay! you made a painting at kindergarten, wooo you rode your bike without the training wheels (or with them, either way you are great!) Oh you got a B in math - etc etc.
This is normal stuff. If you didn't get that positive direct feedback from your parent or parents, where exactly are you going to get reinforcement? Childhood is a time where you don't have a tremendous sense of self (again, a generalization).
Then you start to have your own sense of self, become a teen, hate your parents and storm out of the house.
The problem starts when you don't get that feedback. You can sweep that floor all day and if your Mother or Father would just acknowledge a job well done, you would start to build that self-esteem. When that doesn't happen you just keep sweeping.
You also start to look to others for reinforcement.
This is all a very broad look at how I look at it, but there you have it, for what it's worth.
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Oh and you are absolutely right that:
That is true but that's different than having zero impact on someone. If you take your grandmother chocolates and she loveeeees chocolate, I can pretty much guarantee she is going to be pleased and happy.
Did you directly cause that mood? Well no, she chose to be happy about the chocolate. Your actions directly contributed to her happiness and you knew that it would (or had a pretty good idea that it would).
I think what is more important is not whether she is happy or not but what your expectations are. Giving the chocolates should have no bearing on how you feel.
If she likes them, icing on the cake, but won't impact how you feel about yourself.
Nobody can make anyone feel anything, it's their choice how they choose to reaction to behaviours.
Did you directly cause that mood? Well no, she chose to be happy about the chocolate. Your actions directly contributed to her happiness and you knew that it would (or had a pretty good idea that it would).
I think what is more important is not whether she is happy or not but what your expectations are. Giving the chocolates should have no bearing on how you feel.
If she likes them, icing on the cake, but won't impact how you feel about yourself.
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