Interesting day. . .
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
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Interesting day. . .
Hello everyone, I hope you are all doing well.
So this weekend was STBAXH weekend again. Last weekend's visit was a disaster. I withheld last Sunday's visit. His visitation are the 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend. Since there was 5 weekends in September he had back to back weekends.
Saturday: Saturday's visit went well. He met me a DS7 catechism class. I signed DS7 out and put him in STBAXH car. DS11 didn't want to visit that day. I went to pick up DS7 at 2pm.
Sunday: I get a text this morning around 8am.
My STBAXH said that he wasn't feeling good and to let the kids know that when he picks them up they will not be doing much at his place.
I responded saying "Okay. Are you well enough to take care of them while they are there?"
His response "I'm not feeling good right now...if they still want I'll get up to go get them."
My response "The boys said they will stay home today so you can get rest."
His response "Okay. If I feel better later do you mind if I pick them up?"
My response "Yes, that would be okay. Just text me."
My thoughts: If he really was sick why would he be saying if he can pick them up later. I then plugged my phone to charge. I checked my phone around 11:30am.
He had texted me around 11 if he could pick them up in 15 or 20 mins.
My response "I thought you were sick? Have you been drinking?"
His response "I am sick and no I haven't been drinking."
*There was about 2 hours left for "his" time* so I said "Okay. They will be ready in 10 mins."
He came. I walked kids out to his car. I always walk them out and put them in his car so I can observe him to make sure looks functional and to check his car for smoke or anything else. He didn't look well but he never really does.
I asked him if he was contagious because if he was sick then he shouldn't be around the kids. He said "That his stomach hurts."
I kissed the kids bye and they left.
I picked them up at 2pm. He brought kids out. He didn't look sick. He told me that they had ate and thank you for letting them visit for a bit. I said "okay, bye."
Both of my kids told me that he told them that he threw up in the morning. I have a strong feeling that he was hung over this morning. I don't have proof of course but how can you be sick and cant get out of bed at 8am then by 11am be fine. This is where the alcohol testing will come in handy once everything is signed off by judge. I just hope that he doesn't continue with this "I am sick" stuff. The fact that he was being super nice to me was also suspicious but I'm glad over all kids are now safe at home with me.
So this weekend was STBAXH weekend again. Last weekend's visit was a disaster. I withheld last Sunday's visit. His visitation are the 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend. Since there was 5 weekends in September he had back to back weekends.
Saturday: Saturday's visit went well. He met me a DS7 catechism class. I signed DS7 out and put him in STBAXH car. DS11 didn't want to visit that day. I went to pick up DS7 at 2pm.
Sunday: I get a text this morning around 8am.
My STBAXH said that he wasn't feeling good and to let the kids know that when he picks them up they will not be doing much at his place.
I responded saying "Okay. Are you well enough to take care of them while they are there?"
His response "I'm not feeling good right now...if they still want I'll get up to go get them."
My response "The boys said they will stay home today so you can get rest."
His response "Okay. If I feel better later do you mind if I pick them up?"
My response "Yes, that would be okay. Just text me."
My thoughts: If he really was sick why would he be saying if he can pick them up later. I then plugged my phone to charge. I checked my phone around 11:30am.
He had texted me around 11 if he could pick them up in 15 or 20 mins.
My response "I thought you were sick? Have you been drinking?"
His response "I am sick and no I haven't been drinking."
*There was about 2 hours left for "his" time* so I said "Okay. They will be ready in 10 mins."
He came. I walked kids out to his car. I always walk them out and put them in his car so I can observe him to make sure looks functional and to check his car for smoke or anything else. He didn't look well but he never really does.
I asked him if he was contagious because if he was sick then he shouldn't be around the kids. He said "That his stomach hurts."
I kissed the kids bye and they left.
I picked them up at 2pm. He brought kids out. He didn't look sick. He told me that they had ate and thank you for letting them visit for a bit. I said "okay, bye."
Both of my kids told me that he told them that he threw up in the morning. I have a strong feeling that he was hung over this morning. I don't have proof of course but how can you be sick and cant get out of bed at 8am then by 11am be fine. This is where the alcohol testing will come in handy once everything is signed off by judge. I just hope that he doesn't continue with this "I am sick" stuff. The fact that he was being super nice to me was also suspicious but I'm glad over all kids are now safe at home with me.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi mamabear,
The more your ex and his needs/emotions are removed from the equation by your own words and thought process, the easier this will get. This is a part of the journey. Change happens, good things happen more and more frequently.
Take this example:
My response "The boys said they will stay home today so you can get rest."
His response "Okay. If I feel better later do you mind if I pick them up?"
My response "Yes, that would be okay. Just text me."
As the first response is changed to: "The boys will be with me today." Nothing else matters. There's a change in the dynamic of the relationship and expectations of the day. You can make the call and not involve the boys. No note of your ex or doing this because or for him. No note of staying home. Simply [the boys are with you].
The conversation has greater potential to end there. If he were to ask if he could have the boys later:
Pausing, saying, "I don't know." or "I don't have an answer for that right now." is absolutely okay. This gives time to deal with those things later, or at least some breathing space to pause, think, pray and let your protective gut instinct say, "uh-uh, no way, not gonna happen!"
My words here come with playfulness. Maybe the answer would be yes, yet it's a wonderful way to give space to let God/Universe work out the details.
The more your ex and his needs/emotions are removed from the equation by your own words and thought process, the easier this will get. This is a part of the journey. Change happens, good things happen more and more frequently.
Take this example:
My response "The boys said they will stay home today so you can get rest."
His response "Okay. If I feel better later do you mind if I pick them up?"
My response "Yes, that would be okay. Just text me."
As the first response is changed to: "The boys will be with me today." Nothing else matters. There's a change in the dynamic of the relationship and expectations of the day. You can make the call and not involve the boys. No note of your ex or doing this because or for him. No note of staying home. Simply [the boys are with you].
The conversation has greater potential to end there. If he were to ask if he could have the boys later:
Pausing, saying, "I don't know." or "I don't have an answer for that right now." is absolutely okay. This gives time to deal with those things later, or at least some breathing space to pause, think, pray and let your protective gut instinct say, "uh-uh, no way, not gonna happen!"
My words here come with playfulness. Maybe the answer would be yes, yet it's a wonderful way to give space to let God/Universe work out the details.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Oh yeah...
Then the kicker that really helps, again and again:
Following up the interaction with "Thank you, God. Thank you, God. Thank you, God." Trust, that no matter what else is going on or how it looks, that all things are working out for your benefit.
Celebrate the good as we see it. In an apple crisp, a leaf blowing in the wind, an expected good surprise around every corner.
Universal laws. Letting go of anger and pain, releasing to let earth/universe transform it, and celebrating the good in life does indeed bring more good.
Then the kicker that really helps, again and again:
Following up the interaction with "Thank you, God. Thank you, God. Thank you, God." Trust, that no matter what else is going on or how it looks, that all things are working out for your benefit.
Celebrate the good as we see it. In an apple crisp, a leaf blowing in the wind, an expected good surprise around every corner.
Universal laws. Letting go of anger and pain, releasing to let earth/universe transform it, and celebrating the good in life does indeed bring more good.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Update: The boys told me today that while they were there yesterday their Uncle was drinking again. They also told me that they thought they saw a can of beer in their Dads car. Ugh!
Advice please?
Advice please?
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
(((hugs)))
Just for this moment, just for tonight,
Let it go.
You have lots of time to address this issue before your ex is scheduled to have the boys again. Trust this is important information that came to you for a reason and God already has this worked out.
Important things often are not urgent things. The boys are safe in your home tonight. Completely, totally ***enjoy*** this. All is well.
Perhaps it's a sign that the weekend visitation policy is about to change, whether there is a court order or not. One step at a time, one day at a time.
Take what you like and leave the rest. YMMV. Sometimes things like this will happen and I stay up late letting more awareness come and being open to the changes in my life.
Just for this moment, just for tonight,
Let it go.
You have lots of time to address this issue before your ex is scheduled to have the boys again. Trust this is important information that came to you for a reason and God already has this worked out.
Important things often are not urgent things. The boys are safe in your home tonight. Completely, totally ***enjoy*** this. All is well.
Perhaps it's a sign that the weekend visitation policy is about to change, whether there is a court order or not. One step at a time, one day at a time.
Take what you like and leave the rest. YMMV. Sometimes things like this will happen and I stay up late letting more awareness come and being open to the changes in my life.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Example of one way to handle this:
Visit the domestic abuse help center. Ask for legal counseling. Talk this out in a different, supportive environment. Changes in actions and widening the support network can work wonders.
mamabear, what are your fears about simply saying "no more!"? Start listing those out and talk to God about them.
#newdirections
Visit the domestic abuse help center. Ask for legal counseling. Talk this out in a different, supportive environment. Changes in actions and widening the support network can work wonders.
mamabear, what are your fears about simply saying "no more!"? Start listing those out and talk to God about them.
#newdirections
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by Mango212 
Example of one way to handle this:
Visit the domestic abuse help center. Ask for legal counseling. Talk this out in a different, supportive environment. Changes in actions and widening the support network can work wonders.
mamabear, what are your fears about simply saying "no more!"? Start listing those out and talk to God about them.
#newdirections
Visit the domestic abuse help center. Ask for legal counseling. Talk this out in a different, supportive environment. Changes in actions and widening the support network can work wonders.
mamabear, what are your fears about simply saying "no more!"? Start listing those out and talk to God about them.
#newdirections
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,648
Originally Posted by mamabear26
Update: The boys told me today that while they were there yesterday their Uncle was drinking again. They also told me that they thought they saw a can of beer in their Dads car. Ugh!
Advice please?
Advice please?
Is there any way to suspend visitation (or at least unsupervised) until the court order is in place or to have him start with soberlink now?
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
I have no legal "rights" in being in no contact with my husband and him having no visitation with DS11. It still keeps getting worked out. I call the police now for help. I show up in new ways for myself and kid. I get pushed into situations feeling God's hand on my back and words I didn't plan coming from my voice.
No rhyme or reason, there are times I don't confront the alcoholic and times I suddenly have support of strangers stepping up right beside me to help when I need it.
Active alcoholics have one thing as their priority: alcohol. It isn't my job to change that. I've tried. It's never helped.
No rhyme or reason, there are times I don't confront the alcoholic and times I suddenly have support of strangers stepping up right beside me to help when I need it.
Active alcoholics have one thing as their priority: alcohol. It isn't my job to change that. I've tried. It's never helped.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by trailmix
What can you do? I hope that court order gets through in a hurry.
Is there any way to suspend visitation (or at least unsupervised) until the court order is in place or to have him start with soberlink now?
Is there any way to suspend visitation (or at least unsupervised) until the court order is in place or to have him start with soberlink now?
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by Mango212
I have no legal "rights" in being in no contact with my husband and him having no visitation with DS11. It still keeps getting worked out. I call the police now for help. I show up in new ways for myself and kid. I get pushed into situations feeling God's hand on my back and words I didn't plan coming from my voice.
No rhyme or reason, there are times I don't confront the alcoholic and times I suddenly have support of strangers stepping up right beside me to help when I need it.
Active alcoholics have one thing as their priority: alcohol. It isn't my job to change that. I've tried. It's never helped.
No rhyme or reason, there are times I don't confront the alcoholic and times I suddenly have support of strangers stepping up right beside me to help when I need it.
Active alcoholics have one thing as their priority: alcohol. It isn't my job to change that. I've tried. It's never helped.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,648
Originally Posted by mamabear26
I'm trying to figure that out on what I can do until I am able to test him for alcohol. I talked to my mom and we tried coming up with realistic solutions to keep my boys safe and consequences for him. The only thing I can think of doing is supervising the visits myself in a public place park, pizza parlor. So he technical will "see them" but I will be there to monitor the visits. What do you think? My mom offered to be there with me.
They aren't with him for long stretches of time, yet he cannot manage to keep alcohol away from where they are for a few hours, that's a pretty poor effort.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I think that's a great idea and unless you can convince him to start using soberlink right now I don't see any other option. It's not safe for them to be with him alone, he has proven he is untrustworthy and has broken your only real agreement, no alcohol around your children.
They aren't with him for long stretches of time, yet he cannot manage to keep alcohol away from where they are for a few hours, that's a pretty poor effort.
They aren't with him for long stretches of time, yet he cannot manage to keep alcohol away from where they are for a few hours, that's a pretty poor effort.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by Mango212
I have no legal "rights" in being in no contact with my husband and him having no visitation with DS11. It still keeps getting worked out. I call the police now for help. I show up in new ways for myself and kid. I get pushed into situations feeling God's hand on my back and words I didn't plan coming from my voice.
No rhyme or reason, there are times I don't confront the alcoholic and times I suddenly have support of strangers stepping up right beside me to help when I need it.
Active alcoholics have one thing as their priority: alcohol. It isn't my job to change that. I've tried. It's never helped.
No rhyme or reason, there are times I don't confront the alcoholic and times I suddenly have support of strangers stepping up right beside me to help when I need it.
Active alcoholics have one thing as their priority: alcohol. It isn't my job to change that. I've tried. It's never helped.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
I sent STBAXH a text message this morning stating everything saw this past weekend when they were with him. I haven't received a response nor so I think I will.
I spoke with both kids separately and told them I think that it is best that I supervise the visits in a public place until divorce is final. They both were good with this. My DS7 got a little emotional. I asked him what's wrong. He said "he wants to feel protected." I told him that that is why it is best for now that I am present during the visits. He felt better with the idea. I asked DS7 if he feels safe at his Dads place? He said no. This prompted me to ask DS11 the same question and his response was "I feel safe here at home."
I spoke with both kids separately and told them I think that it is best that I supervise the visits in a public place until divorce is final. They both were good with this. My DS7 got a little emotional. I asked him what's wrong. He said "he wants to feel protected." I told him that that is why it is best for now that I am present during the visits. He felt better with the idea. I asked DS7 if he feels safe at his Dads place? He said no. This prompted me to ask DS11 the same question and his response was "I feel safe here at home."
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,648
Originally Posted by mamabear26
I sent STBAXH a text message this morning stating everything saw this past weekend when they were with him. I haven't received a response nor so I think I will.
I spoke with both kids separately and told them I think that it is best that I supervise the visits in a public place until divorce is final. They both were good with this. My DS7 got a little emotional. I asked him what's wrong. He said "he wants to feel protected." I told him that that is why it is best for now that I am present during the visits. He felt better with the idea. I asked DS7 if he feels safe at his Dads place? He said no. This prompted me to ask DS11 the same question and his response was "I feel safe here at home."
I spoke with both kids separately and told them I think that it is best that I supervise the visits in a public place until divorce is final. They both were good with this. My DS7 got a little emotional. I asked him what's wrong. He said "he wants to feel protected." I told him that that is why it is best for now that I am present during the visits. He felt better with the idea. I asked DS7 if he feels safe at his Dads place? He said no. This prompted me to ask DS11 the same question and his response was "I feel safe here at home."
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Originally Posted by mamabear26
I spoke with both kids separately and told them I think that it is best that I supervise the visits in a public place until divorce is final. They both were good with this. My DS7 got a little emotional. I asked him what's wrong. He said "he wants to feel protected." I told him that that is why it is best for now that I am present during the visits. He felt better with the idea. I asked DS7 if he feels safe at his Dads place? He said no. This prompted me to ask DS11 the same question and his response was "I feel safe here at home."
This time I am going to suggest you listen to your children's instincts.
I know you are already doing both these things, I just wanted to encourage you to keep doing so.
*hugs*
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Originally Posted by trailmix
That's great mamabear, you are spot on here. I'm so glad they feel more secure now with you in charge of/supervising the visits.
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