mamabear26

Too many occurrences on his end have been happening lately. Things don't seem to be getting better so I have to step in now. Thank you for the support : )

mamabear26

Update: STBAXH called yesterday. I hadn't talk to him in about 4 months. I called him back and put him on speaker with my mom in the room with me so she can be a 3rd party witness. I basically told him that it doesn't seem like things are getting better with him or at his place as far as drinking and alcohol. He said he is not gonna follow the stipulations because I'm not forcing my DS11 to go on every visit with him. Meaning he still will continue to put alcohol around kids. I told him I'm not going to force my son to go over there if things will continue to be this way and no changes are made. I told him that I don't feel comfortable with the kids visiting with him there. I said it is best that I start supervising visits in a public place. Surprisingly he agreed.

He didn't deny on not having alcohol in his car, didnt deny his continued daily alcohol abuse or about his brother continuing to drink while kids visit. Nothing is going change, what am I left to do?

dandylion

mamabear...are you even sure that he wasn't drunk when you talked to him....if he was....he might not even remember what he said to you, today.....or, even what you said......

mamabear26

He didn't sound drunk. I can tell when he starts changing his voice and talking a certain way that he is drunk.

Mango212

Three things to be aware of here.

1. He's getting time with you again. This has been something you've worked extremely hard at severing.

2. This can be dangerous territory for your recovering psyche, your children and X. The "illusion" can easily start again, simply by the brain of the abused (you and your children) taking this image/illusion and wanting to grab hold of it. It may not be immediate, yet everything about alcoholism and dysfunctional family dynamics is based on lies, desires and many false beliefs.

3. It's okay to change your mind and simply end the visits at any time. You have many experiences showing he is not safe for you or your children to be around. Let him take this to court.

Again, YMMV. Pray, and follow. Take what you like and leave the rest.

mamabear26

Thank you Mango. I have thought about how hard I've been trying to break my contact with him. And everything else. I just don't know what else I can do? According to himself he "doesn't put them endanger." He still doesn't see how he is negatively affecting thr kids.

Mango212

Powerful actions:

Listen to his actions, not his words. Pray. Give it to God. Hit an Alanon meeting.

(((hugs)))

Ladybird579

If there is no court ordered access that surely means you don't have to let him see the kids until court has sorted out the nuts and bolts of how and if he can?

Mango212

One possible scenario for this coming weekend:

I told him that I don't feel comfortable with the kids visiting


End it there. Just for this weekend. No big, long-term thing.

mamabear26

We are currently following a very vague mediation agreement with no stipulations from last year. I am now waiting for the judge to sign off on divorce decree which has all the stipulations on it.

mamabear26

His weekend is not until next weekend. I am worried that it come back in bite me in my butt because I am not letting him see them on his "parenting time."

hopeful4

I personally think you are doing the right thing. It's AMAZING that he agreed on supervised time. That's great. I know it stinks for now, but you are keeping your kids safe, bottom line.

mamabear26

Thank you Hopeful4 for the support. I hope it turns out okay.

hopeful4

Praying for you friend!

Mango212

You've created a barrier between you and your abuser. Suddenly the barrier is down. You talked to him on the phone. You're agreeing, asking, to spend time with him.

What part of this would be something bad for him?

I'm not seeing anything surprising about him agreeing to this.

mamabear,

Trust your gut. From my own experience, I suggest getting support beforehand, even if it's simply calling the domestic abuse help hotline. Talk this out and keep your eyes open. More will be revealed.

mamabear26

Thank you Mango for your genuine concern. I appreciate all the advice. I still have another week until it is his visit. I pray God shows me a sign and guides me.

hopeful4

UNTIL THEN....Just enjoy the moments you have. I remember living in absolute dread of the next visit. To the point that worry was getting in the way of me enjoying the current time I had.

I know that's hard, but you can do it!

mamabear26

The last few days have been hard because I have been thinking of the next visit. Tomorrow I am going to the zoo with DS7 and my parents to do a project for one of my classes. DS11 is going to go to the movies and spend the night with one of his friends. Trying to focus on positive things.

hopeful4

It does get easier with time. Both time that you are not in total chaos, and time in that your kids get older.

HUGE HUGS!