I'm having a really hard time today, no one to talk to
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Amy, I'm so sorry. That's so cruel and hateful to say to someone. I'm also glad you put it out there in a place where it is safe to do so. As you well know now, it's not just cruel it's untrue.
What a tough time you have had, what a lot of tragedy really, yet look at all you have accomplished. You are kind and driven and honest and open. Look how far you have come. Just goes to show that you can't keep a good person down.
I'm so happy you are now in a safe place, that you have your family nearby and your home can be your sanctuary.
What a tough time you have had, what a lot of tragedy really, yet look at all you have accomplished. You are kind and driven and honest and open. Look how far you have come. Just goes to show that you can't keep a good person down.
I'm so happy you are now in a safe place, that you have your family nearby and your home can be your sanctuary.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by amy55 
pmd, thank you for responding and thank you for your story. No, it was not your fault that any of this happened to you.
I would like to talk to you about something else though, and you can always pm me if you want to.
I did drink when I was younger, I think most teenagers did. I became an alcoholic when I was married. I was in an abusive relationship. Lasted way too long. Married and living together for 25 years, another 2 1/2 before the divorce was finalized.
I blamed my relationship for my drinking. I couldn't deal with things, I needed to get out of the house, just needed to be away from him, so I would go to the garage to drink, just to stay out of the house. Would drink enough so that I could pass out in my car at night, so that I could go to sleep, or at least try to. It took me a really long time for me to stop blaming my relationship. The problem was with me. I didn't have the knowledge or the tools to deal with what was handed me, or what I married. I had no coping skills. I never learned them. I'm still learning them now. It's hard, I know it is. I think for so long that I let people control my life, that I didn't know how to control my own life. I just didn't know how.
I'm still upset and angry about things, but there are sometimes things that we can't control, but we can control us. It's horrible when we think we have no control over anything, but it feels terrific when we can take that control and change our own lives. It took me a long time to accept that I can take control of my own life, and I can actually have a good one. So, I think what they mean by the thing that you find most offensive, is that you can actually take over the reins for your life. I do agree, that what happened was terrible, but I am here for you.
(((((((hugs)))))))
amy
PS - When we give control of our life over to someone else, then we are no longer in control of our life. They won then. You are strong enough to take control of your life. I'll be there with you.
I would like to talk to you about something else though, and you can always pm me if you want to.
I did drink when I was younger, I think most teenagers did. I became an alcoholic when I was married. I was in an abusive relationship. Lasted way too long. Married and living together for 25 years, another 2 1/2 before the divorce was finalized.
I blamed my relationship for my drinking. I couldn't deal with things, I needed to get out of the house, just needed to be away from him, so I would go to the garage to drink, just to stay out of the house. Would drink enough so that I could pass out in my car at night, so that I could go to sleep, or at least try to. It took me a really long time for me to stop blaming my relationship. The problem was with me. I didn't have the knowledge or the tools to deal with what was handed me, or what I married. I had no coping skills. I never learned them. I'm still learning them now. It's hard, I know it is. I think for so long that I let people control my life, that I didn't know how to control my own life. I just didn't know how.
I'm still upset and angry about things, but there are sometimes things that we can't control, but we can control us. It's horrible when we think we have no control over anything, but it feels terrific when we can take that control and change our own lives. It took me a long time to accept that I can take control of my own life, and I can actually have a good one. So, I think what they mean by the thing that you find most offensive, is that you can actually take over the reins for your life. I do agree, that what happened was terrible, but I am here for you.
(((((((hugs)))))))
amy
PS - When we give control of our life over to someone else, then we are no longer in control of our life. They won then. You are strong enough to take control of your life. I'll be there with you.
Yeah I think once a person reaches adulthood, they have to figure out how to navigate themselves through the world, and some people just had better foundations in childhood than others. What can you do? People have to try to figure things out the best that they can.
I think about my family living through WW2 in Europe, and how each person’s innate personality traits, coupled with life experience, helped shape who they were. I was born in the 70s so most of the people I’m thinking of were adults by that point, when I was a child, but it was interesting to see who couldn’t get past the trauma, who became an alcoholic, who overcame adversity and prospered (one of my grandfathers in particular- man, he was old school and tough).
I had some wobbly teenage years too, and personally don’t feel like any of my past events have “control” over me in my present life. Quit smoking cold turkey and any partying that I was doing by age 25, went to therapy. Currently love alternative medicine & things that give a person tools to take care of themselves on their own. But I do work in social work (since the 90s), and over and over again you see how physical, emotional and sexual abuse takes its toll on people. Not everyone makes it out of that. So yeah, it’s one of those paradoxes in life- maybe a person didn’t have control over what happened to them, and I agree once you’re an adult it’s your responsibility to figure things out- I guess I just don’t agree with some of the sayings that get circulated.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Me too (with or without the hashtag). From being made to touch the genitals of a male babysitter when I was 7 - he did not hurt me, but I felt weird and scared - to being almost choked when I was in college for refusing sex with a drunk. Other incidents of unwanted sexual attention, from comments to being called over to a car by some guy in a parking lot - I thought he needed directions - but he was jerking off.
It happens ALL THE TIME. Most girls/women say nothing for many years, or never. You don't know what to say. You think you won't be believed. You blame yourself for being in the situation in the first place. You're embarrassed. You think it's not really a big deal. I said nothing for decades about any of it.
You know what makes it worse? And where we need more difficult conversations? When men who you *know* are good, decent men don't really get it. When they say, "should his life be ruined"? while at the same time expressing sympathy for the women.
"Should his life be ruined?" is a deliberately loaded question. What the question really is, is what exactly should the consequences be? How do you make the punishment fit the crime?
And sometimes women lie. I happen to believe the women in the current very public case but I know of women who lied about being assaulted and that is as despicable as the actions of the assaulters and for that, too, there should be punishment that fits the crime.
I am using females as the victims and males as the perpetrators here for convenience. I know the roles can be reversed and mean no slight for male victims.
At the very least, the public case going on now has opened up this topic.
It happens ALL THE TIME. Most girls/women say nothing for many years, or never. You don't know what to say. You think you won't be believed. You blame yourself for being in the situation in the first place. You're embarrassed. You think it's not really a big deal. I said nothing for decades about any of it.
You know what makes it worse? And where we need more difficult conversations? When men who you *know* are good, decent men don't really get it. When they say, "should his life be ruined"? while at the same time expressing sympathy for the women.
"Should his life be ruined?" is a deliberately loaded question. What the question really is, is what exactly should the consequences be? How do you make the punishment fit the crime?
And sometimes women lie. I happen to believe the women in the current very public case but I know of women who lied about being assaulted and that is as despicable as the actions of the assaulters and for that, too, there should be punishment that fits the crime.
I am using females as the victims and males as the perpetrators here for convenience. I know the roles can be reversed and mean no slight for male victims.
At the very least, the public case going on now has opened up this topic.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,648
I am glad people are talking about this as well.
One thing in my household, as a child, my Mother spoke about this openly, as in, I will protect my children. It was clear to everyone, whether there was a party that involved drinking at our house or in a conversation with my Father just randomly. She was clear.
I don't know what her experience of this was, I never asked, but she was very protective and in having her speak openly about this it made us all aware.
Now, that is not to say I have never been approached inappropriately or grabbed etc (in public) - I have been and I have been caught off guard and done nothing at times. That wouldn't happen now and I think that comes across in my "vibe" - people keep their distance from me when I require that.
So please, talk about this with your children, male and female, talk about it with your spouse and other family members, make it clear where you stand, that you are watching that this is not going to happen. It's not easy, it's uncomfortable but until we start talking about it, the predators will continue to feel comfortable.
One thing in my household, as a child, my Mother spoke about this openly, as in, I will protect my children. It was clear to everyone, whether there was a party that involved drinking at our house or in a conversation with my Father just randomly. She was clear.
I don't know what her experience of this was, I never asked, but she was very protective and in having her speak openly about this it made us all aware.
Now, that is not to say I have never been approached inappropriately or grabbed etc (in public) - I have been and I have been caught off guard and done nothing at times. That wouldn't happen now and I think that comes across in my "vibe" - people keep their distance from me when I require that.
So please, talk about this with your children, male and female, talk about it with your spouse and other family members, make it clear where you stand, that you are watching that this is not going to happen. It's not easy, it's uncomfortable but until we start talking about it, the predators will continue to feel comfortable.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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Originally Posted by trailmix
So please, talk about this with your children, male and female, talk about it with your spouse and other family members, make it clear where you stand, that you are watching that this is not going to happen. It's not easy, it's uncomfortable but until we start talking about it, the predators will continue to feel comfortable.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by Maudcat
I have been wondering about the peopl who would be triggered by the testimony.
My heart goes out to them.
Hugs and good thoughts to all.
You are stronger than you think.
My heart goes out to them.
Hugs and good thoughts to all.
You are stronger than you think.
I've dealt with things that have happened to me, and it did make me stronger. So for me the testimony didn't trigger me. For me, I think it was like confirmation of why people don't come forward. It made me feel like I was right, and that if I came forward, I would have just been ridiculed, and called a liar.
When my sister started going off about that Dr Ford should not be believed because she could have done or said something about this years ago, that was when I told her my story about my neighbor. She totally ignored that and kept attacking Dr Ford.
I tried to ask her again, what would she have done if what happened to me, happened to her. That you have no bruises, no one else saw him there, you said that you were napping, and then you claim someone just walked into your house and started touching your body. I asked her, even if I did report this, what would the police have done. They would have done nothing. I wasn't raped, I had no evidence. It was he said/she said. The thing is, I do know this happened to me.
My sister then continued on her rant about this. She asked me if I will admit that I was wrong about this when the FBI investigation proved that Dr Ford was a liar. I told her that if it comes back that way, then, so be it. I told her sometimes there are false allegations, but that I believed Dr Ford. I told her that you can't discredit someone because they are coming out with this so many years later. I was just feeling totally unheard, and invalidated even in my own experiences.
She never once during that conversation asked me about me, and how I dealt with that, how it affected me. She totally ignored me, and what I said, because she had her agenda about a woman should not be believed if it took that long to come forward.
Then to say to me, if after the investigation is done, and nothing is found, would I be able to say that I was wrong.
It wasn't just that though, my mother and my other sister also feel this way. Then when I was reading the comments and watching TV, there were so many that felt the same way.
I remember when I tried to tell my family that my ex was abusive to me, and they defended him.
Those were the feelings that I had. I've been through a lot, and I have dealt with that, so this isn't going to push me backwards, it's just that the 70's, 80's, 90's, well I guess the years before that, and the years later then that, I feel nothing has changed. That hurts me.
amy
PS - I also felt violated all over again. I didn't go to the police, some people do, the questioning for that is also another violation, esp in a court room. I worry about the future for young girls, because it still feels like it is unsafe to come forward. Look at some of the sentences handed down recently when convicted of rape or sexual assault.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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I'm sorry for what happened to you and I believe you! You are a beautiful person who helps so many other people. Strong work, sis!! We are always here. I support you 100%. Sending a big hug your way....
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Amy-it's true that some people feel violated all over again in certain cases. Many people don't realize this. They don't understand why people don't report things....One rape victim I was working with told me she was raped as a child walking home from school...she got home, told her mother about it and the things her mother said to her were awful...she told her to just change her clothes and get cleaned up and never talk about it again.
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Hi Amy,
I'm so sorry for what you went through...that's horrifying! I have nothing to share except that I hear you
As a very gentle reminder to all...please keep politics out of this discussion. All politics out of this discussion. It would be shame if I had to close down the thread because it devolved into something other than what was intended.
I don't want to do that. So remember, personal experience only--please.
I'm so sorry for what you went through...that's horrifying! I have nothing to share except that I hear you
As a very gentle reminder to all...please keep politics out of this discussion. All politics out of this discussion. It would be shame if I had to close down the thread because it devolved into something other than what was intended.
I don't want to do that. So remember, personal experience only--please.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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amy…..I understand how difficult this is for you...with your sister.....
Long ago, my husband and I both came to the conclusion that we would never (again)talk about religion, politics, sex, or finances with family...…or, co-workers...
It was just tooo difficult and the fallout was too polarizing and people tended to take it too personally. If people tried to bring it up, or suck us in--I would just say ….."that is something that I never talk about"....
Lol...and, he was in elected office, at the time!! And, his grandfather, father and two brothers and one brother in law were ministers!!
So, you can imagine how much area there was for conflict.....
I honestly, don't know any other way to deal with it......sigh...….
Long ago, my husband and I both came to the conclusion that we would never (again)talk about religion, politics, sex, or finances with family...…or, co-workers...
It was just tooo difficult and the fallout was too polarizing and people tended to take it too personally. If people tried to bring it up, or suck us in--I would just say ….."that is something that I never talk about"....
Lol...and, he was in elected office, at the time!! And, his grandfather, father and two brothers and one brother in law were ministers!!
So, you can imagine how much area there was for conflict.....
I honestly, don't know any other way to deal with it......sigh...….
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I believe you. #Metoo. I never became an addict. However... I did end up in a long term relationship with an abusive addict... someone exactly as manipulative and abusive as the man who violated me. It took decades before I could talk about it, and the person I trusted with the information ended up using it to control me. At the time, I didn't understand that that was what my ex was doing: being controlling and abusive. He grooms people then he takes advantage of them. Now I know.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by amy55
Look at some of the sentences handed down recently when convicted of rape or sexual assault.
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Amy, I believe you.
My own sister denied our physical abuse, and she got it worse than I did. It's amazing the mental gymnastics that people go through so their perception of the world doesn't shatter. I think in the case of my sister, she does it as a short-term way of coping with the pain of what she experienced. Unfortunately it is not a long-term solution.
My own sister denied our physical abuse, and she got it worse than I did. It's amazing the mental gymnastics that people go through so their perception of the world doesn't shatter. I think in the case of my sister, she does it as a short-term way of coping with the pain of what she experienced. Unfortunately it is not a long-term solution.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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I have the same thoughts as PuzzledHeart…..we often speak of denial, on this forum, as it relates to alcoholics......but, I don't think that alcoholics are the only ones who use it to avoid reality.....
When a person is in denial...for whatever reason...."facts" don't seem to matter....
"I see only what I want to see"...……
Emotional blinders.
When a person is in denial...for whatever reason...."facts" don't seem to matter....
"I see only what I want to see"...……
Emotional blinders.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
amy….I hope you are feeling some better today.....
sometimes, I just have to turn off the media.....and turn my attention elsewhere....like, playing with the puppy or watching funny movies.....or, window shopping on the internet...lol...
sometimes, I just have to turn off the media.....and turn my attention elsewhere....like, playing with the puppy or watching funny movies.....or, window shopping on the internet...lol...
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