I'm having a really hard time today, no one to talk to
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I'm having a really hard time today, no one to talk to
I am not trying to make this political or trying to make any kind of a statement. I just don't know who else to reach out to, while I am feeling triggered.
I need to talk to someone, about what happened to me when I was 12 or 13. Approx. 50 years ago. I have never written about this before, nor have I ever spoken about it before, except for this week when I told my best friend.
I was babysitting for my cousins 3 children. It was a terrific night. We watched cartoons, had snacks, gave them piggyback rides. I was at this house before, but only in the living room, dinning room, and kitchen. My cousins mother lived upstairs from her. I only know from that night that their 2 sons had a pretty big room, and their daughter had the smaller room. They were on the right side of the apt. I don't know why that means anything. I just know where the rooms were, and that I was never in my cousins bedroom, and I don't know what it looked like. I also don't remember the bathroom, but I assume it was on the left side of the apt.
Anyway, I got the 3 children to sleep, and then I went to sleep on the couch.
I don't remember what time that was. I do think it was about midnight that I awakened to someone being on top of me. It was my cousin's brother, (well, my cousin also). He was trying to kiss me and he was groping me, when I tried to tell him to get off of me, he told me to be quiet because I might wake the children. I have no idea if he was drunk, but he smelled like he was probably drinking. Everything seemed to go so quickly, but yet so slowly all at the same time. I remember thinking, I can't wake up the kids, I can't scream, but I need to get him off of me.
Then all of a sudden he got off of me, and there was another door there that led to either the basement or the outside, and he was gone. I didn't see the lights from the car that pulled up to the house, but I guess that he did. Shortly after he ran out, his sister and her husband came back from the party that they went to. That was when it clicked in my head that he saw the lights from the car and that he needed to leave before they saw him there.
I didn't think anyone would believe, so I said nothing. You see, he was in the Army in basic training prior to this. There was some accident on the base and he had metal shrapnel in his head, arms and legs. He was in Walter Reed hospital and they thought he wouldn't make it. That was years prior to this. My entire family considered him a war hero. He never left US soil.
I knew I would hear that I was lying, or that since I was sleeping that i just imagined this. I do know what happened that night. I actually intentionally suppressed this for many year. I questioned myself many times about this. I was only about 12 or 13. I don't really think that I ever questioned my memory, because I don't, I questioned if anyone would believe me, or would I lose my entire family because they didn't believe me.
What triggers me, is when I hear from my whole family, about why someone would come out 36 years later with an allegation, I want to scream out, "What would you say to me if I came out with this allegation from 50 years ago?", but I can't, I still can't do it.
For anyone reading this, please leave current politics aside.
amy
I need to talk to someone, about what happened to me when I was 12 or 13. Approx. 50 years ago. I have never written about this before, nor have I ever spoken about it before, except for this week when I told my best friend.
I was babysitting for my cousins 3 children. It was a terrific night. We watched cartoons, had snacks, gave them piggyback rides. I was at this house before, but only in the living room, dinning room, and kitchen. My cousins mother lived upstairs from her. I only know from that night that their 2 sons had a pretty big room, and their daughter had the smaller room. They were on the right side of the apt. I don't know why that means anything. I just know where the rooms were, and that I was never in my cousins bedroom, and I don't know what it looked like. I also don't remember the bathroom, but I assume it was on the left side of the apt.
Anyway, I got the 3 children to sleep, and then I went to sleep on the couch.
I don't remember what time that was. I do think it was about midnight that I awakened to someone being on top of me. It was my cousin's brother, (well, my cousin also). He was trying to kiss me and he was groping me, when I tried to tell him to get off of me, he told me to be quiet because I might wake the children. I have no idea if he was drunk, but he smelled like he was probably drinking. Everything seemed to go so quickly, but yet so slowly all at the same time. I remember thinking, I can't wake up the kids, I can't scream, but I need to get him off of me.
Then all of a sudden he got off of me, and there was another door there that led to either the basement or the outside, and he was gone. I didn't see the lights from the car that pulled up to the house, but I guess that he did. Shortly after he ran out, his sister and her husband came back from the party that they went to. That was when it clicked in my head that he saw the lights from the car and that he needed to leave before they saw him there.
I didn't think anyone would believe, so I said nothing. You see, he was in the Army in basic training prior to this. There was some accident on the base and he had metal shrapnel in his head, arms and legs. He was in Walter Reed hospital and they thought he wouldn't make it. That was years prior to this. My entire family considered him a war hero. He never left US soil.
I knew I would hear that I was lying, or that since I was sleeping that i just imagined this. I do know what happened that night. I actually intentionally suppressed this for many year. I questioned myself many times about this. I was only about 12 or 13. I don't really think that I ever questioned my memory, because I don't, I questioned if anyone would believe me, or would I lose my entire family because they didn't believe me.
What triggers me, is when I hear from my whole family, about why someone would come out 36 years later with an allegation, I want to scream out, "What would you say to me if I came out with this allegation from 50 years ago?", but I can't, I still can't do it.
For anyone reading this, please leave current politics aside.
amy
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Hi Amy,
I'm so sorry that happened to you and I believe you.
I also understand why someone wouldn't tell anyone for 36 years or 50 years or ever.
For me, I would have told, I think, but that is because I came from an environment where I would have been believed. If you felt unsafe, if you felt you would be doubted, why on earth would you tell anyone! To add insult to injury?
Anyway, I don't know how one goes about dealing with something like that but again, i'm sorry it happened to you and i'm glad you are able to talk about it, I hope that helps a bit.
I'm so sorry that happened to you and I believe you.
I also understand why someone wouldn't tell anyone for 36 years or 50 years or ever.
For me, I would have told, I think, but that is because I came from an environment where I would have been believed. If you felt unsafe, if you felt you would be doubted, why on earth would you tell anyone! To add insult to injury?
Anyway, I don't know how one goes about dealing with something like that but again, i'm sorry it happened to you and i'm glad you are able to talk about it, I hope that helps a bit.
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trailmix, It helps so much today to have a place to write this down, someplace where I am anonymous. I have been shaking a lot today, and even lost it a little with my sister, when she kept questioning the 36 years, I sort of stated a bit too loudly that she can have her opinions, and that I can have mine.
In the beginning of the week, I had told her about something else that happened to me, it involved a neighbor. I only told her that, because I no longer live there, but I just wanted her to know, why you sometimes don't file police reports, etc... That incident happened back in the late 90's, and I took care of it.
Thank you for believing me.
amy
In the beginning of the week, I had told her about something else that happened to me, it involved a neighbor. I only told her that, because I no longer live there, but I just wanted her to know, why you sometimes don't file police reports, etc... That incident happened back in the late 90's, and I took care of it.
Thank you for believing me.
amy
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amy…..I can relate, exactly, to what you are talking about....the things that people say to invalidate any one who reports such a thing, when they hear about it....
Things like---"She is only looking for attention; She is just trying to get him in trouble; She is just looking for money; She just wants to write a book; It is awful funny that she waited 30 years to say anything...if it really happened--why didn't she go to the police?; If it really happened, someone else would have known about it; She is just imagining it; She got it wrong--she always did have a big imagination; She lies about a lot of things" And, on and on and on....
I never did have anything like that happen to me, personally...but, I know the confessions of a lot of people, that I have known, to tell me about it happening to them. And, I have heard the comments of the adults, in the culture that I grew up in to make all of those kinds o f comments when they heard about someone's story.....
Things like---"She is only looking for attention; She is just trying to get him in trouble; She is just looking for money; She just wants to write a book; It is awful funny that she waited 30 years to say anything...if it really happened--why didn't she go to the police?; If it really happened, someone else would have known about it; She is just imagining it; She got it wrong--she always did have a big imagination; She lies about a lot of things" And, on and on and on....
I never did have anything like that happen to me, personally...but, I know the confessions of a lot of people, that I have known, to tell me about it happening to them. And, I have heard the comments of the adults, in the culture that I grew up in to make all of those kinds o f comments when they heard about someone's story.....
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Sexual abuse as a little girl. Uncle. Never told anyone until I was in my early 30's. According to my doctor some 95% of abuse victims become addicts. I've been trying to heal my entire life but the shame and fear have been with me since the beginning. It's one day at a time.
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Me too. Family member. Told 20 years later- that was 10 years ago. Full on family war ensued. Half the family believes me, the other half still doesn’t. Went to therapy for many years about it. Still not fully resolved.
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Thank you Dandylion, there are also some more. My husband wouldn't do that... why didn't she report it for his first appointment.... why now?
The incident that I did tell my sister about..... This was probably the summer of 1998. Why would I pick that date, when I am really not sure? Because I was having really bad back pains. It was a few months before I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, and that is what was causing the severe back pain.
We had a neighborhood garage sale. It was at the cul-de-sac that I lived at. I hung out for about 4 hours, had perhaps 2 -3 beers, but my back hurt so much, I had to go home to lie down, while everyone else went to the neighbors house for a party. My daughter had a friend staying over my house that night. They were hanging out in the basement. I was taking a nap on the couch.
I woke up about 9:00pm because someone was massaging my back. I thought it was my H (now ex), and I said, mmmm, that feels so good. Then I turned over and it wasn't my H. It was my neighbor. He just walked into my house and he had his hands all over me. I didn't scream, I guess, perhaps, maybe, I remembered the last time. Don't scream, there are children there. So, I tried to be reasonable, and not reactionary. I asked him if we could go outside to the gazebo. I wanted to get him outside, so I could jam my knee very quickly into his nuts. I didn't get a chance to do that.
(What happened prior to this was my ex was drinking with this neighbor. They got into an argument, and somehow my ex embarrassed him, that was why he came over to my house.) I guess this neighbor was trying to prove a point.
Anyway, so I got him outside, and the neighbors, and this guys wife and my H are walking across the lawn and they are calling for "Bob". That's what this neighbors name is. They see me, and they ask me, did you see Bob, I said, yeah, he's right in back of me. Well Bob took off into the woods. I looked around, and Bob is gone, I said again, he was right here, he was at my house. My then H came home and the neighbors and his wife kept calling out for Bob.
I told my then H what happened. He never did tell me whether or not he believed me. There was another neighborhood party, and I thought my ex would stand up for me, or at least say something. He didn't. Instead he was drinking and laughing with Bob. I cornered Bob. I told him that if he ever came near me again, or ever touched me again, that he would regret that day.
amy
PS feels good to let this out
The incident that I did tell my sister about..... This was probably the summer of 1998. Why would I pick that date, when I am really not sure? Because I was having really bad back pains. It was a few months before I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, and that is what was causing the severe back pain.
We had a neighborhood garage sale. It was at the cul-de-sac that I lived at. I hung out for about 4 hours, had perhaps 2 -3 beers, but my back hurt so much, I had to go home to lie down, while everyone else went to the neighbors house for a party. My daughter had a friend staying over my house that night. They were hanging out in the basement. I was taking a nap on the couch.
I woke up about 9:00pm because someone was massaging my back. I thought it was my H (now ex), and I said, mmmm, that feels so good. Then I turned over and it wasn't my H. It was my neighbor. He just walked into my house and he had his hands all over me. I didn't scream, I guess, perhaps, maybe, I remembered the last time. Don't scream, there are children there. So, I tried to be reasonable, and not reactionary. I asked him if we could go outside to the gazebo. I wanted to get him outside, so I could jam my knee very quickly into his nuts. I didn't get a chance to do that.
(What happened prior to this was my ex was drinking with this neighbor. They got into an argument, and somehow my ex embarrassed him, that was why he came over to my house.) I guess this neighbor was trying to prove a point.
Anyway, so I got him outside, and the neighbors, and this guys wife and my H are walking across the lawn and they are calling for "Bob". That's what this neighbors name is. They see me, and they ask me, did you see Bob, I said, yeah, he's right in back of me. Well Bob took off into the woods. I looked around, and Bob is gone, I said again, he was right here, he was at my house. My then H came home and the neighbors and his wife kept calling out for Bob.
I told my then H what happened. He never did tell me whether or not he believed me. There was another neighborhood party, and I thought my ex would stand up for me, or at least say something. He didn't. Instead he was drinking and laughing with Bob. I cornered Bob. I told him that if he ever came near me again, or ever touched me again, that he would regret that day.
amy
PS feels good to let this out
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Thank you NYCDoglvr, at Atlast for speaking out also. It's one of the hardest things to do. It's good to know that we are here for each other.
I am also an alcoholic in recovery, for anyone who doesn't know me.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
I am also an alcoholic in recovery, for anyone who doesn't know me.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
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Originally Posted by amy55 
Thank you NYCDoglvr, at Atlast for speaking out also. It's one of the hardest things to do. It's good to know that we are here for each other.
I am also an alcoholic in recovery, for anyone who doesn't know me.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
I am also an alcoholic in recovery, for anyone who doesn't know me.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
I’m a bit over 100 days in my recovery. It was time to stop drinking AT things, past abuse included.
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Originally Posted by Atlast9999
It sure is, Amy. I’d wager there are many more of us here as well.
I’m a bit over 100 days in my recovery. It was time to stop drinking AT things, past abuse included.
I’m a bit over 100 days in my recovery. It was time to stop drinking AT things, past abuse included.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
PS - Sometimes tonight, if I am not making sense, just know that I was triggered today, I'll be better tomorrow.
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amy...of course, you are making sense....what in the world makes you think that you aren't...?
Just know that there are millions of "victims" of some kind of sexual assault that are feeling just the same way that you are....
I am so glad that you have someplace that you feel safe enough to talk about it.....
You sure are not alone....
Just know that there are millions of "victims" of some kind of sexual assault that are feeling just the same way that you are....
I am so glad that you have someplace that you feel safe enough to talk about it.....
You sure are not alone....
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I just remembered something else tonight. I previously never connected these 2 things together.
My entire family used to go on vacation together in Connecticut for 2 weeks each summer. I think this summer I only went up for the weekend because I was working full time then. I was 18. I brought a friend with me. Her name is Pat. I guess I drove up there and drove back. While we were there, my cousin (will call him John), well, he always hung out with the parents. Drinking with them, playing cards with them, just like he didn't want to be bothered by his little cousins. He was about 33 then, about 15 years older then me. My friend, Pat is very attractive. He started to hang around us, but we were trying to push him away. Like, why would he want to be with us? Well, he had a red convertible and he wanted to take us for a drive. Pat wanted to drive in a convertible, she wanted to know how it felt to have the wind blowing through her hair, so we agreed. He told Pat to sit in the front seat with him, and told me to get in the back seat. I don't know if anything happened during that ride or if he cornered Pat later on, the next day, my friend Pat told me, "Your cousin is really creepy". I think that is when I really started to think about what happened to me when I was younger. I was young, I never dated, I didn't know anything about sex, but I was older then, and I think then is when I really started to think about what happened 5 or 6 years ago. I know at the time that it happened, that I didn't like it, and I wanted it to stop, I just don't know if I was even able to fully digest at that time what was going on.
amy
For anyone reading this, thank you for listening, and not judging.
My entire family used to go on vacation together in Connecticut for 2 weeks each summer. I think this summer I only went up for the weekend because I was working full time then. I was 18. I brought a friend with me. Her name is Pat. I guess I drove up there and drove back. While we were there, my cousin (will call him John), well, he always hung out with the parents. Drinking with them, playing cards with them, just like he didn't want to be bothered by his little cousins. He was about 33 then, about 15 years older then me. My friend, Pat is very attractive. He started to hang around us, but we were trying to push him away. Like, why would he want to be with us? Well, he had a red convertible and he wanted to take us for a drive. Pat wanted to drive in a convertible, she wanted to know how it felt to have the wind blowing through her hair, so we agreed. He told Pat to sit in the front seat with him, and told me to get in the back seat. I don't know if anything happened during that ride or if he cornered Pat later on, the next day, my friend Pat told me, "Your cousin is really creepy". I think that is when I really started to think about what happened to me when I was younger. I was young, I never dated, I didn't know anything about sex, but I was older then, and I think then is when I really started to think about what happened 5 or 6 years ago. I know at the time that it happened, that I didn't like it, and I wanted it to stop, I just don't know if I was even able to fully digest at that time what was going on.
amy
For anyone reading this, thank you for listening, and not judging.
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amy...that makes a lot of sense. I was raised in a very...very strict way...so, at age 18, looking back....I was very nieve and trusting about such things....good thing that I spent four years....from age 17, in a nursing school that was very close to being a convent (not actually), in it's isolation and strictness.
While I am so fortunate not to have been attacked....as a full adult...I have had more instances than I can count of sexual harassment and inappropriate overtures, in my everyday and work life....as I think most every woman can relate to....
While I am so fortunate not to have been attacked....as a full adult...I have had more instances than I can count of sexual harassment and inappropriate overtures, in my everyday and work life....as I think most every woman can relate to....
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amy55, I can also understand why people don’t say anything. The environment that I grew up in wasn’t a validating one either, and I kept a few incidents like that to myself too (one age 7, a few in my teenage years).
I was also sexually harassed/ basically molested by a karate instructor when I was in my 30s,, and reported it/ was involved in his removal. What happened to me afterwards was worse than the harassment itself, including physical injury by his buddies (which I couldn’t prove was on purpose because it is, after all, martial arts), and being completely shunned by people who I thought were my friends. Including other women who he harassed and I came forward for because they were too scared to!! Yeah, I totally get why people don’t report stuff like that, or they wait until there’s more than one person, because they don’t want to get tarred and feathered alone.
As far as 95% of abuse victims becoming addicts, I believe it, and why I don’t agree with the 3 C’s that get circulated around (you didn’t cause it, can’t control it, can’t cure it). Because all you have to do is look around and listen to all of the horrible abuse histories of so many people, or check out studies, that show corporal punishment/ child abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, etc do in fact increase a person’s chance of becoming an alcoholic/ addict/ eating disordered, so if you did these things to someone/ a child during their formative years, well it probably did help cause the addiction. I have a huge bone to pick with that one, but that’s just my 2 cents.
I was also sexually harassed/ basically molested by a karate instructor when I was in my 30s,, and reported it/ was involved in his removal. What happened to me afterwards was worse than the harassment itself, including physical injury by his buddies (which I couldn’t prove was on purpose because it is, after all, martial arts), and being completely shunned by people who I thought were my friends. Including other women who he harassed and I came forward for because they were too scared to!! Yeah, I totally get why people don’t report stuff like that, or they wait until there’s more than one person, because they don’t want to get tarred and feathered alone.
As far as 95% of abuse victims becoming addicts, I believe it, and why I don’t agree with the 3 C’s that get circulated around (you didn’t cause it, can’t control it, can’t cure it). Because all you have to do is look around and listen to all of the horrible abuse histories of so many people, or check out studies, that show corporal punishment/ child abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, etc do in fact increase a person’s chance of becoming an alcoholic/ addict/ eating disordered, so if you did these things to someone/ a child during their formative years, well it probably did help cause the addiction. I have a huge bone to pick with that one, but that’s just my 2 cents.
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Originally Posted by pdm22
amy55, I can also understand why people don’t say anything. The environment that I grew up in wasn’t a validating one either, and I kept a few incidents like that to myself too (one age 7, a few in my teenage years).
I was also sexually harassed/ basically molested by a karate instructor when I was in my 30s,, and reported it/ was involved in his removal. What happened to me afterwards was worse than the harassment itself, including physical injury by his buddies (which I couldn’t prove was on purpose because it is, after all, martial arts), and being completely shunned by people who I thought were my friends. Including other women who he harassed and I came forward for because they were too scared to!! Yeah, I totally get why people don’t report stuff like that, or they wait until there’s more than one person, because they don’t want to get tarred and feathered alone.
As far as 95% of abuse victims becoming addicts, I believe it, and why I don’t agree with the 3 C’s that get circulated around (you didn’t cause it, can’t control it, can’t cure it). Because all you have to do is look around and listen to all of the horrible abuse histories of so many people, or check out studies, that show corporal punishment/ child abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, etc do in fact increase a person’s chance of becoming an alcoholic/ addict/ eating disordered, so if you did these things to someone/ a child during their formative years, well it probably did help cause the addiction. I have a huge bone to pick with that one, but that’s just my 2 cents.
I was also sexually harassed/ basically molested by a karate instructor when I was in my 30s,, and reported it/ was involved in his removal. What happened to me afterwards was worse than the harassment itself, including physical injury by his buddies (which I couldn’t prove was on purpose because it is, after all, martial arts), and being completely shunned by people who I thought were my friends. Including other women who he harassed and I came forward for because they were too scared to!! Yeah, I totally get why people don’t report stuff like that, or they wait until there’s more than one person, because they don’t want to get tarred and feathered alone.
As far as 95% of abuse victims becoming addicts, I believe it, and why I don’t agree with the 3 C’s that get circulated around (you didn’t cause it, can’t control it, can’t cure it). Because all you have to do is look around and listen to all of the horrible abuse histories of so many people, or check out studies, that show corporal punishment/ child abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, etc do in fact increase a person’s chance of becoming an alcoholic/ addict/ eating disordered, so if you did these things to someone/ a child during their formative years, well it probably did help cause the addiction. I have a huge bone to pick with that one, but that’s just my 2 cents.
I would like to talk to you about something else though, and you can always pm me if you want to.
I did drink when I was younger, I think most teenagers did. I became an alcoholic when I was married. I was in an abusive relationship. Lasted way too long. Married and living together for 25 years, another 2 1/2 before the divorce was finalized.
I blamed my relationship for my drinking. I couldn't deal with things, I needed to get out of the house, just needed to be away from him, so I would go to the garage to drink, just to stay out of the house. Would drink enough so that I could pass out in my car at night, so that I could go to sleep, or at least try to. It took me a really long time for me to stop blaming my relationship. The problem was with me. I didn't have the knowledge or the tools to deal with what was handed me, or what I married. I had no coping skills. I never learned them. I'm still learning them now. It's hard, I know it is. I think for so long that I let people control my life, that I didn't know how to control my own life. I just didn't know how.
I'm still upset and angry about things, but there are sometimes things that we can't control, but we can control us. It's horrible when we think we have no control over anything, but it feels terrific when we can take that control and change our own lives. It took me a long time to accept that I can take control of my own life, and I can actually have a good one. So, I think what they mean by the thing that you find most offensive, is that you can actually take over the reins for your life. I do agree, that what happened was terrible, but I am here for you.
(((((((hugs)))))))
amy
PS - When we give control of our life over to someone else, then we are no longer in control of our life. They won then. You are strong enough to take control of your life. I'll be there with you.
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I am so very sorry this happened to you. You deserved better and you deserved to feel safe enough to ask for help. You didn’t have either of those and it’s not your fault. We are all here for you. We believe you and we believe in you. I hope this is the first day of healing for you from the tragedy of what was done to you. I hope by telling your story it brings you some peace. You’ll be in my prayers.
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I absolutely believe you, and I certainly can understand why you wouldn't feel safe reporting it. Your reasoning makes perfect sense.
I bet it feels good to get it out. As you can see, there are many people here on SR that have had the same experience. I had something happen when I was 16 with my dad. I've never talked about it with my dad, or anyone except my RAH, who I told a year ago. I don't plan to ever tell anyone either.
So there are people here who, though the things that happened to them aren't the exact same, we can all relate.
Hugs being sent your way.
I bet it feels good to get it out. As you can see, there are many people here on SR that have had the same experience. I had something happen when I was 16 with my dad. I've never talked about it with my dad, or anyone except my RAH, who I told a year ago. I don't plan to ever tell anyone either.
So there are people here who, though the things that happened to them aren't the exact same, we can all relate.
Hugs being sent your way.
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It does feel to get it out, even though it is anonymously. It's hard to go through these things that you kinda blocked, or don't want to talk about it, but all of a sudden you get triggered by something.
Wamama, you mention your father, I do feel for you on that. I guess that's another thing that I have recollections of, but I'm not really sure. I tend to block things out.
I do know that a cousin of mine asked me about 2 years ago if my father ever raped me. She asked me because she told me that he came on to her sexually.
I'm pretty sure that I wrote here about how my father was "grooming" me. I blocked out a lot of that. I had to. It wasn't that my mom hated me, it was that my dad loved me more then her and my 2 sisters. If anything went wrong, I was to blame for it. My dad died in 1980, I now have a good relationship with my mom, but it wasn't always that way. My mom had to be very protective of my 2 sisters because their dad didn't love them like he loved me. It was just sick .
I'm sorry, I don't even know if I can talk about that one yet.
amy
Wamama, I may get back to you on this, but I can't talk about it now. I am so so sorry that happened to you.
Wamama, you mention your father, I do feel for you on that. I guess that's another thing that I have recollections of, but I'm not really sure. I tend to block things out.
I do know that a cousin of mine asked me about 2 years ago if my father ever raped me. She asked me because she told me that he came on to her sexually.
I'm pretty sure that I wrote here about how my father was "grooming" me. I blocked out a lot of that. I had to. It wasn't that my mom hated me, it was that my dad loved me more then her and my 2 sisters. If anything went wrong, I was to blame for it. My dad died in 1980, I now have a good relationship with my mom, but it wasn't always that way. My mom had to be very protective of my 2 sisters because their dad didn't love them like he loved me. It was just sick .
I'm sorry, I don't even know if I can talk about that one yet.
amy
Wamama, I may get back to you on this, but I can't talk about it now. I am so so sorry that happened to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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I need to put this out there also, not that I want to, because I don't want to. I just need to.
I grew up feeling that the only way I would be accepted by anyone was sexually. That disgusts me saying that, but it is the truth. I was told I was fat and stupid, and I needed someone to love me, and it seemed the only way that would happen would be sexually.
I think this is how it affected my life.
Now, going to hide, since I actually said that.
amy
I grew up feeling that the only way I would be accepted by anyone was sexually. That disgusts me saying that, but it is the truth. I was told I was fat and stupid, and I needed someone to love me, and it seemed the only way that would happen would be sexually.
I think this is how it affected my life.
Now, going to hide, since I actually said that.
amy
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