How to love my daughter strategically?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 2
How to love my daughter strategically?
I haven't been on here in a while but I want to say thank you to those who were supportive and responded to my post with such compassion. I try not to be "high maintenance" but find myself almost paralyzed with fear of losing my daughter. I some ways it seems I've already lost her. I look at her most recent picture she sent me and I don't even recognize the look out of those big brown eyes anymore. It's an empty, hungry look that stares back. She is reportedly using meth and cocaine now on top of the alcohol. She could, in no way get on the transplant list now. Last December her doctors gave her 8 months to live if she didn't receive the liver transplant and here we are, in the 9th month and she's out of control. The family has given up on her but I won't. I don't send her money, but we have called each other every day up until a couple of weeks ago and now I've gotten the report that she is in the hospital on life support a few days ago and nothing since. The hospital won't talk to me. Where do I put all this?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: North Yorkshire UK
Posts: 765
Im so very sad youre in this. I have no experience so cannot advise. I am a mother of a daughter and know that these relationships, at the best of times, are hard work. Heartbreaking. Keep posting. Sending you love. Xx
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
How to love my daughter strategically?
Strategy: a plan of action
It's okay to love your daughter. One possible strategy for this day would be to find a quiet place to spend some time in nature. Lying on the ground under a big tree gives me new perspectives and a quiet place to listen to my gut instincts.
Maybe it's time to visit your daughter in the hospital. Maybe it's possible. Maybe it's not. Maybe a visit is as much beyond your control as this disease is.
Have you been to Nar-Anon?
https://www.nar-anon.org/
Grieving for those lost in the diseases of alcoholism, addiction and other mental illness happens in many ways. Weird but true, it's okay to find and feel joy while our children or other loved ones are hurting. We are important, too, and moments of peace and joy in our lives are good self-care.
Sending love and blessings for you, your daughter and all who know and love both of you.
(((hugs)))
Strategy: a plan of action
It's okay to love your daughter. One possible strategy for this day would be to find a quiet place to spend some time in nature. Lying on the ground under a big tree gives me new perspectives and a quiet place to listen to my gut instincts.
Maybe it's time to visit your daughter in the hospital. Maybe it's possible. Maybe it's not. Maybe a visit is as much beyond your control as this disease is.
Have you been to Nar-Anon?
https://www.nar-anon.org/
Grieving for those lost in the diseases of alcoholism, addiction and other mental illness happens in many ways. Weird but true, it's okay to find and feel joy while our children or other loved ones are hurting. We are important, too, and moments of peace and joy in our lives are good self-care.
Sending love and blessings for you, your daughter and all who know and love both of you.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I don't think there is anything that can cure the hurt in your heart for your daughter. I think it's good that you were still talking with her, without enabling her. I am betting she knew she is loved.
Just know we are here, and we all support you! I too send you huge, thoughtful hugs!
Just know we are here, and we all support you! I too send you huge, thoughtful hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
Candle - there is a wonderfully supportive Facebook of Mothers of Addicted children you can join. It's closed, so once you are accepted into this group your comments or responses would not be public. Please know you are not alone, that we all need the grace and comfort in knowing we are loved. It may be exhausting and exasperating for you to feel there is nothing you can do (you didn't cause, and you can't fix) but the LOVE you extend is powerful and meaningful. Sending you hugs and blessings to both your daughter and you/her family.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
In this family disease of alcoholism/addiction, everything I'm learning is so counterintuitive to what logic would have me think. Kindness can be 'to not be there'. Love can be 'pick some flowers up today, for myself', joy in family can be 'this holiday is different, I'm open to new ways of celebrating life'.
When receiving news that is disturbing, I'm finding it best to leave it completely to my Higher Power. Often I am lead in the most surprising directions, and looking back much later, more is revealed.
Lighting a candle, saying a prayer, walking in nature or simply going outside comfort zones in taking new actions can be very healthy & healing things to do. My stress and worry does nothing to solve the problems, dysfunctions and illogical pain that addictions/alcoholism thrive on.
When receiving news that is disturbing, I'm finding it best to leave it completely to my Higher Power. Often I am lead in the most surprising directions, and looking back much later, more is revealed.
Lighting a candle, saying a prayer, walking in nature or simply going outside comfort zones in taking new actions can be very healthy & healing things to do. My stress and worry does nothing to solve the problems, dysfunctions and illogical pain that addictions/alcoholism thrive on.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Candle,
I am so sorry my friend!! This disease sucks.
When I was going through the worse time in my life, I would say the serenity prayer a million times a night. Of course I never slept. It did help. Sending big bear hugs to you!! Pray and pray often, God does hear us.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
I am so sorry my friend!! This disease sucks.
When I was going through the worse time in my life, I would say the serenity prayer a million times a night. Of course I never slept. It did help. Sending big bear hugs to you!! Pray and pray often, God does hear us.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
If you can go to the hospital, I would do so. I would hate for you not to go and then have regrets later. ((((big hugs)))) I know of a young woman very much like your daughter - she had a very loving family, but for whatever reason she couldn't give up using long enough to get on the transplant list and she passed away last year. Alcoholism is such a nasty, murderous disease. I'm so sorry.
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