pikeville

Hello! This is my first post here. I’m honestly so lost on what to do with my alcoholic boyfriend. It’s not just alcohol, it’s also marijuana abuse and he has dabbled with opioids and hard drugs in the past. He has an incredibly addictive personality.

We’ve been dating for a year - a purely long distance relationship due to our proximity away from one another. I had planned on visiting him this year but a recent job loss has stopped that idea temporarily. Our relationship started beautifully, we cared deeply for one another, we did everything together. I’d find myself sleeping with my phone just to hear his voice. He’s a wonderful person and always was, but he told me something very early on that should have been a red flag:

“If I had to choose between alcohol and you, I’m choosing alcohol.”

Honestly the way he said it, I thought he was joking since he was laughing at the time, but over the year we’ve been together he’d proved it to be true on more than one occasion. Combine that with untreated bipolar type 2 and a marijuana addiction and you have a fairly volatile partner. He refuses to see a counselor, receive any treatment and has it in his head that he doesn’t need help at all. He has an anxiety so deep that he wont leave his home, believes that all people are awful and against him and won’t learn a skill or go to school to better himself. He completely shuts down at the thought of it. When he’s good, he’s good, he’s open to talking about his issues and working through them, but when he’s having a bout of depression he completely shuts down and becomes a bit mean. His tongue is sharp.

It’s gotten especially hard lately because he has avoided speaking to me for six days straight, and he has me so isolated that I have no one else to speak to (this was my fault for allowing it). I’m the only person he’d ever speak to so if I’m not around then he’s completely alone... but he’s doing that to me. He’s leaving me completely and utterly alone for days on end. My job is ending and I find myself bored and crying most days (codependency???). I have no friends any longer due to him putting me in a bubble as his personal counselor.

I’m so incredibly lost. I don’t want to abandon him, I’m afraid of what he’d do to himself and I care about him but I don’t know how much longer I can take the emotional torture. I know that if we broke up he’d just disappear off my radar completely, and I’m just worried of what he’d do.

What do I do?

AnvilheadII

so do i understand that you have never met in person?

SmallButMighty

We can't tell you what to do. But I can tell you what I would do if I were in your situation. I'd run like hell in the opposite direction. I would also seek support and education about codependency. Being here at SR is a good start!

He straight up told you he would choose alcohol over you and then he actually demonstrates this to be true...

It doesn't get much more clear than that.


His isolation is HIS problem. Not your issue to fix. You don't have that power.

Your isolation is definitely is YOUR problem. You CAN fix that. This is something you have chosen to do, it is not his fault.

Again, we can't tell you what to do, but if I were you, I would end this toxic relationship and seek any and all means of regaining my strength and health.

Wishing for your peace and clarity while you navigate these things.

SparkleKitty

I'm so sorry this is happening, my friend. I understand that pain and confusion.

But I would love it if you could re-frame your thinking away from the idea that you would be "abandoning" him. Newborn puppies can be abandoned. Functioning adult human men cannot. He existed before you started this relationship and did not die of starvation of any kind. Do not give into the illusion that you are somehow keeping him tethered to life. Or, frankly, that he is keeping YOU tethered to it either.

Your primary responsibility is to take care of yourself. This person is mean to you, and you don't deserve it.

ScaryTime

I have to agree with smallbutmighty, run like he11 away from this toxic relationship. Education on this disease is a must in order to get yourself healthy as well.
You can’t do anything about him and his issues; put the focus back on yourself and get help.
If I had known back when I married my AH, what I know now my life would look VERY different at this point. Take his words as truth that he will choose alcohol over you, and he has done so; don’t ignore that.
He hasn’t contacted you for six days? Block him, on your phone social media, the whole gamut and get your focus back on you and away from him and his self destruction because chances are his disease will take both of you down with him!

marie1960

What do I do?

Currently you are in a toxic situation. This cannot not even be classified as a relationship. Relationships are a healthy exchange of thoughts and ideas. Relationships create a sense of security, and add joy to your life. Relationships may lead to commitment and a willingness to share each other’s lives.

I am not reading anything in this situation that is going to add value to your life.

My wish for you is that your can see your own value and worth. He has zero to offer you. You cannot abandon someone who is not invested in YOU.

Please educate yourself about addiction, Only thru education, can we begin to understand what we are truly up against. You can keep hitting that brick wall at 100m.p.h, and yes , it will hurt every time, or you can stop, just stop embracing his out of control lifestyle, and build yourself a healthy life. LOVE doesnt hurt, this is NOT love.

trailmix

And speaking of learning about alcoholism, sober recovery has a wealth of posts and stickies that can help there. You might want to start here:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

Also, whether you identify as a co-dependant or not, you might find this book helpful:

Co-Dependant No More by Melody Beattie

trailmix

As you probably already know, you put yourself in that role/bubble. Not judging you, that's easy enough to fall in to. Time to get out of that role maybe? You are not a professional, you can talk to him and listen to him for hours and hours (and I am sure you have) and that won't change a thing.

- He has big addiction issues
- He is agoraphobic
- He is bi-polar

There is no way you can help him with any of that. You are not a therapist, counsellor or psychiatrist and i'm assuming you aren't running an AA meeting. He needs professional help and it is up to him to seek that.

I think you answered your own question. " I don’t know how much longer I can take the emotional torture".

You didn't cause it
Can't control it
Can't cure it
(the three Cs)

Take care of yourself.

atalose

I’m also confused on the relationship itself. It sounds like it’s all been virtual.

He was an alcoholic long before you came along and he’ll remain one long after you are gone. He told you “If I had to choose between alcohol and you, I’m choosing alcohol.” What more needs to be said. You've been off his radar for 6 days now and that has a difficult effect on you. He's probably doing what he always does, what he always did before and what he's doing after you. It would appear that you have placed yourself in an extremely vulnerable situation, losing the real people in your life for someone who really isn’t.

Ending are hard, but so much harder when you don’t let go and get dragged. So much un-necessary hurt and pain comes with not letting go.

NYCDoglvr

And you're sticking around........why?

Alanon is a big help in getting real and realizing priorities; I recommend it. I was in the worst relationship of my life but still needed help to understand how much damage I was causing myself by staying in a very hurtful relationship.

Leelee168

What you do is that you move on and re-build your life. Please do it now because the longer you stay entangled in this, the more isolated you will become and the harder it will be for you. I know this for a fact.

Best to you.

qtpi

I don't know what you are getting out of this relationship.