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XAW Dead at 48

Old 04-10-2018, 07:25 PM
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Unhappy XAW Dead at 48

Hello:

I have read and posted on this board for years, because I needed support with my then-wife's alcoholism. I didn't know anything about it, how physically addicting it is, and how baffling and powerful its hold is on those in its grip. It is so terrible.

I tried every manner of love and support - all the wrong things (nagging, begging, threatening, crying, etc) and eventually the hardest thing of all, divorce. She would always drink to the point of an emergency trip to the hospital, and then she would come to her senses for a while, like a few months or even longer.

I love that sober person. She is the kindest angel you could meet, good to everyone, gentle, and abundantly generous. The highlight of my life is those good times we shared.

But now she is dead. She slumped forward in her chair while watching TV, and when her friend checked on her minutes later, she was gone. She had liver disease, complications with her pancreas and numerous things wrong medically.

But she was "OK" - always smiling, happy to see me whenever I called or stopped by, wanting the best for me, and loving and accepting me for who I am. She was my soulmate and I never stopped loving her or vice versa. We were married 17 years and divorced for 7.

I went out of my way to always show her that I cared for her. I gave her more money than I probably needed to, I shared a storage locker for 7 years for old stuff we (she) could not throw away. I stayed in contact with her family and we even went to some events together.

We had some tearful conversations which amounted to me expressing I was sorry for the divorce, and her apologizing for giving me so many reasons to leave. Neither of us wanted it. For me it felt like running from a burning building and saving myself while leaving her behind.

Yet I have no regrets. I was "loving her to death".

As a Christian I struggle with God's purpose in alcoholism. XAW was traumatized in her childhood, I will never know what it was. She believed in God and Jesus and forgiveness and during her clear moments, I saw a beautiful, child like faith in her. She loved going to church and she acted more like Jesus than 99% of people I have met.

She did suffer in this life. But she's not suffering anymore.

This is not a happy ending and it's one reason I, and many others here, sometimes say "run!" to naive newcomers in young, not too late to get away situations where the other person is clearly an alcoholic. There is drama and pain ahead, you have NO control and you should consider you might end up like me, crying and sad that a good person is no longer with us.

The best thing I did was put her on God's hands. He made her, he loves her, he guided her, and he certainly healed her miraculously to the amazement of many - over and over. She was in God's hands the night she died, the night before Easter, relaxing in her apartment surrounded by cats and photos of the many she loved. She was a lovable person.

Much love and blessings to the SR family, the support has always meant a lot to me, every difficult step of the way.
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Old 04-10-2018, 07:29 PM
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I'm sorry for your loss Djayr but thank you for the post.

D
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Old 04-10-2018, 07:34 PM
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I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm struck by how you were able to integrate your love and appreciation for your ex-wife's good qualities with your certainty that for your own sake you could not continue in the marriage. That's rare and special.
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Old 04-10-2018, 07:41 PM
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((djayr)) I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Addiction is heartbreaking.
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Old 04-10-2018, 07:48 PM
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I'm so sorry for your loss

Your post means a lot to me. Thank you
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Old 04-10-2018, 08:08 PM
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djayr....I'm just so sorry! I really hate addiction so much!

You and she will be in my prayers.
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Old 04-10-2018, 08:24 PM
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I'm sorry for the loss of your soul mate.
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Old 04-10-2018, 10:53 PM
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I am so very sorry for your loss. It is clear that you had a great love for your former wife. I wish you and all who loved her peace and comfort. May she Rest In Peace.
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Old 04-10-2018, 11:54 PM
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I am so sorry for your losss. Sending prayers for you, and for her and her family.
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Old 04-11-2018, 06:49 AM
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Well-written post, djayr. So sorry it came to this - for her, and for you
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Old 04-11-2018, 07:12 AM
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I'm sorry Djayr, it sounds like you loved her very much and tried to do the right thing. She is at peace now.
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Old 04-11-2018, 08:51 AM
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Heartbreaking, and I am so sorry to hear that. Sending peace and comfort to you and your family, your kindness and compassion is a bright light.
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Old 04-11-2018, 09:59 AM
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I am so very, very sorry. There is nothing more painful than watching someone you care about get lost to addiction. I am glad you were able to have a relationship, that she was still a gentle soul. Without doubt, she went knowing she was loved. That matters.

I know what you mean. I too just want to scream "run" to some of our newcomers. Sometimes I do just that. If a person can go through life unscathed from addiction, or the affects from it, they are winning.

Huge hugs to you.
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Old 04-11-2018, 10:04 AM
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I am so very sorry, Djayr.
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Old 04-11-2018, 12:28 PM
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djayr

I am very sorry for your loss. Tragic news. I wish I had inspiring words for you but I am at a loss for words. I hope you somehow find peace.

I hate addiction. I've learned a great deal about a subject I never wanted to know anything about.
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Old 04-11-2018, 05:30 PM
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Im sorry for your loss.

Thank you for sharing with us here. Im happy your wife was a lady of faith and found comfort in her church family. Its a blessing to know she has found her way home.

Im touched by the compassion, respect, and love that you were able to give to her as she struggled with this illness, all while balancing your own self care.

Blessings and Peace.
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Old 04-11-2018, 05:37 PM
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I am very sorry for your loss. Thank you for the heartfelt post.
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Old 04-11-2018, 07:04 PM
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Originally Posted by djayr View Post
Hello:

I have read and posted on this board for years, because I needed support with my then-wife's alcoholism. I didn't know anything about it, how physically addicting it is, and how baffling and powerful its hold is on those in its grip. It is so terrible.

I tried every manner of love and support - all the wrong things (nagging, begging, threatening, crying, etc) and eventually the hardest thing of all, divorce. She would always drink to the point of an emergency trip to the hospital, and then she would come to her senses for a while, like a few months or even longer.

I love that sober person. She is the kindest angel you could meet, good to everyone, gentle, and abundantly generous. The highlight of my life is those good times we shared.

But now she is dead. She slumped forward in her chair while watching TV, and when her friend checked on her minutes later, she was gone. She had liver disease, complications with her pancreas and numerous things wrong medically.

But she was "OK" - always smiling, happy to see me whenever I called or stopped by, wanting the best for me, and loving and accepting me for who I am. She was my soulmate and I never stopped loving her or vice versa. We were married 17 years and divorced for 7.

I went out of my way to always show her that I cared for her. I gave her more money than I probably needed to, I shared a storage locker for 7 years for old stuff we (she) could not throw away. I stayed in contact with her family and we even went to some events together.

We had some tearful conversations which amounted to me expressing I was sorry for the divorce, and her apologizing for giving me so many reasons to leave. Neither of us wanted it. For me it felt like running from a burning building and saving myself while leaving her behind.

Yet I have no regrets. I was "loving her to death".

As a Christian I struggle with God's purpose in alcoholism. XAW was traumatized in her childhood, I will never know what it was. She believed in God and Jesus and forgiveness and during her clear moments, I saw a beautiful, child like faith in her. She loved going to church and she acted more like Jesus than 99% of people I have met.

She did suffer in this life. But she's not suffering anymore.

This is not a happy ending and it's one reason I, and many others here, sometimes say "run!" to naive newcomers in young, not too late to get away situations where the other person is clearly an alcoholic. There is drama and pain ahead, you have NO control and you should consider you might end up like me, crying and sad that a good person is no longer with us.

The best thing I did was put her on God's hands. He made her, he loves her, he guided her, and he certainly healed her miraculously to the amazement of many - over and over. She was in God's hands the night she died, the night before Easter, relaxing in her apartment surrounded by cats and photos of the many she loved. She was a lovable person.

Much love and blessings to the SR family, the support has always meant a lot to me, every difficult step of the way.
So sorry for your loss. I needed to hear your message today. It saved me from drinking on a tough day. My A boyfriend dumped me out of the blue and Iím a mess. He was an angel to me. Never saw him drink since we were long distance. Thank you so much. Sending hugs and prayers for peace.
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Old 04-11-2018, 07:07 PM
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That was a beautiful post, djayr. You're such a unique & special person. I can definitely relate to everything you expressed. May God comfort you.
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Old 04-11-2018, 07:45 PM
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You sure did love her Djayr. You can see it in every word you posted. Your post is a fear of many people on F & F.

Please know that she knew you loved her and you did the best you could for her and I am sure more. Sending hugs and support, its so sad.
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