XAW Dead at 48
Lord Have Mercy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
XAW Dead at 48
Hello:
I have read and posted on this board for years, because I needed support with my then-wife's alcoholism. I didn't know anything about it, how physically addicting it is, and how baffling and powerful its hold is on those in its grip. It is so terrible.
I tried every manner of love and support - all the wrong things (nagging, begging, threatening, crying, etc) and eventually the hardest thing of all, divorce. She would always drink to the point of an emergency trip to the hospital, and then she would come to her senses for a while, like a few months or even longer.
I love that sober person. She is the kindest angel you could meet, good to everyone, gentle, and abundantly generous. The highlight of my life is those good times we shared.
But now she is dead. She slumped forward in her chair while watching TV, and when her friend checked on her minutes later, she was gone. She had liver disease, complications with her pancreas and numerous things wrong medically.
But she was "OK" - always smiling, happy to see me whenever I called or stopped by, wanting the best for me, and loving and accepting me for who I am. She was my soulmate and I never stopped loving her or vice versa. We were married 17 years and divorced for 7.
I went out of my way to always show her that I cared for her. I gave her more money than I probably needed to, I shared a storage locker for 7 years for old stuff we (she) could not throw away. I stayed in contact with her family and we even went to some events together.
We had some tearful conversations which amounted to me expressing I was sorry for the divorce, and her apologizing for giving me so many reasons to leave. Neither of us wanted it. For me it felt like running from a burning building and saving myself while leaving her behind.
Yet I have no regrets. I was "loving her to death".
As a Christian I struggle with God's purpose in alcoholism. XAW was traumatized in her childhood, I will never know what it was. She believed in God and Jesus and forgiveness and during her clear moments, I saw a beautiful, child like faith in her. She loved going to church and she acted more like Jesus than 99% of people I have met.
She did suffer in this life. But she's not suffering anymore.
This is not a happy ending and it's one reason I, and many others here, sometimes say "run!" to naive newcomers in young, not too late to get away situations where the other person is clearly an alcoholic. There is drama and pain ahead, you have NO control and you should consider you might end up like me, crying and sad that a good person is no longer with us.
The best thing I did was put her on God's hands. He made her, he loves her, he guided her, and he certainly healed her miraculously to the amazement of many - over and over. She was in God's hands the night she died, the night before Easter, relaxing in her apartment surrounded by cats and photos of the many she loved. She was a lovable person.
Much love and blessings to the SR family, the support has always meant a lot to me, every difficult step of the way.
I have read and posted on this board for years, because I needed support with my then-wife's alcoholism. I didn't know anything about it, how physically addicting it is, and how baffling and powerful its hold is on those in its grip. It is so terrible.
I tried every manner of love and support - all the wrong things (nagging, begging, threatening, crying, etc) and eventually the hardest thing of all, divorce. She would always drink to the point of an emergency trip to the hospital, and then she would come to her senses for a while, like a few months or even longer.
I love that sober person. She is the kindest angel you could meet, good to everyone, gentle, and abundantly generous. The highlight of my life is those good times we shared.
But now she is dead. She slumped forward in her chair while watching TV, and when her friend checked on her minutes later, she was gone. She had liver disease, complications with her pancreas and numerous things wrong medically.
But she was "OK" - always smiling, happy to see me whenever I called or stopped by, wanting the best for me, and loving and accepting me for who I am. She was my soulmate and I never stopped loving her or vice versa. We were married 17 years and divorced for 7.
I went out of my way to always show her that I cared for her. I gave her more money than I probably needed to, I shared a storage locker for 7 years for old stuff we (she) could not throw away. I stayed in contact with her family and we even went to some events together.
We had some tearful conversations which amounted to me expressing I was sorry for the divorce, and her apologizing for giving me so many reasons to leave. Neither of us wanted it. For me it felt like running from a burning building and saving myself while leaving her behind.
Yet I have no regrets. I was "loving her to death".
As a Christian I struggle with God's purpose in alcoholism. XAW was traumatized in her childhood, I will never know what it was. She believed in God and Jesus and forgiveness and during her clear moments, I saw a beautiful, child like faith in her. She loved going to church and she acted more like Jesus than 99% of people I have met.
She did suffer in this life. But she's not suffering anymore.
This is not a happy ending and it's one reason I, and many others here, sometimes say "run!" to naive newcomers in young, not too late to get away situations where the other person is clearly an alcoholic. There is drama and pain ahead, you have NO control and you should consider you might end up like me, crying and sad that a good person is no longer with us.
The best thing I did was put her on God's hands. He made her, he loves her, he guided her, and he certainly healed her miraculously to the amazement of many - over and over. She was in God's hands the night she died, the night before Easter, relaxing in her apartment surrounded by cats and photos of the many she loved. She was a lovable person.
Much love and blessings to the SR family, the support has always meant a lot to me, every difficult step of the way.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm struck by how you were able to integrate your love and appreciation for your ex-wife's good qualities with your certainty that for your own sake you could not continue in the marriage. That's rare and special.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so very, very sorry. There is nothing more painful than watching someone you care about get lost to addiction. I am glad you were able to have a relationship, that she was still a gentle soul. Without doubt, she went knowing she was loved. That matters.
I know what you mean. I too just want to scream "run" to some of our newcomers. Sometimes I do just that. If a person can go through life unscathed from addiction, or the affects from it, they are winning.
Huge hugs to you.
I know what you mean. I too just want to scream "run" to some of our newcomers. Sometimes I do just that. If a person can go through life unscathed from addiction, or the affects from it, they are winning.
Huge hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
djayr
I am very sorry for your loss. Tragic news. I wish I had inspiring words for you but I am at a loss for words. I hope you somehow find peace.
I hate addiction. I've learned a great deal about a subject I never wanted to know anything about.
I am very sorry for your loss. Tragic news. I wish I had inspiring words for you but I am at a loss for words. I hope you somehow find peace.
I hate addiction. I've learned a great deal about a subject I never wanted to know anything about.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Im sorry for your loss.
Thank you for sharing with us here. Im happy your wife was a lady of faith and found comfort in her church family. Its a blessing to know she has found her way home.
Im touched by the compassion, respect, and love that you were able to give to her as she struggled with this illness, all while balancing your own self care.
Blessings and Peace.
Thank you for sharing with us here. Im happy your wife was a lady of faith and found comfort in her church family. Its a blessing to know she has found her way home.
Im touched by the compassion, respect, and love that you were able to give to her as she struggled with this illness, all while balancing your own self care.
Blessings and Peace.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by djayr 
Hello:
I have read and posted on this board for years, because I needed support with my then-wife's alcoholism. I didn't know anything about it, how physically addicting it is, and how baffling and powerful its hold is on those in its grip. It is so terrible.
I tried every manner of love and support - all the wrong things (nagging, begging, threatening, crying, etc) and eventually the hardest thing of all, divorce. She would always drink to the point of an emergency trip to the hospital, and then she would come to her senses for a while, like a few months or even longer.
I love that sober person. She is the kindest angel you could meet, good to everyone, gentle, and abundantly generous. The highlight of my life is those good times we shared.
But now she is dead. She slumped forward in her chair while watching TV, and when her friend checked on her minutes later, she was gone. She had liver disease, complications with her pancreas and numerous things wrong medically.
But she was "OK" - always smiling, happy to see me whenever I called or stopped by, wanting the best for me, and loving and accepting me for who I am. She was my soulmate and I never stopped loving her or vice versa. We were married 17 years and divorced for 7.
I went out of my way to always show her that I cared for her. I gave her more money than I probably needed to, I shared a storage locker for 7 years for old stuff we (she) could not throw away. I stayed in contact with her family and we even went to some events together.
We had some tearful conversations which amounted to me expressing I was sorry for the divorce, and her apologizing for giving me so many reasons to leave. Neither of us wanted it. For me it felt like running from a burning building and saving myself while leaving her behind.
Yet I have no regrets. I was "loving her to death".
As a Christian I struggle with God's purpose in alcoholism. XAW was traumatized in her childhood, I will never know what it was. She believed in God and Jesus and forgiveness and during her clear moments, I saw a beautiful, child like faith in her. She loved going to church and she acted more like Jesus than 99% of people I have met.
She did suffer in this life. But she's not suffering anymore.
This is not a happy ending and it's one reason I, and many others here, sometimes say "run!" to naive newcomers in young, not too late to get away situations where the other person is clearly an alcoholic. There is drama and pain ahead, you have NO control and you should consider you might end up like me, crying and sad that a good person is no longer with us.
The best thing I did was put her on God's hands. He made her, he loves her, he guided her, and he certainly healed her miraculously to the amazement of many - over and over. She was in God's hands the night she died, the night before Easter, relaxing in her apartment surrounded by cats and photos of the many she loved. She was a lovable person.
Much love and blessings to the SR family, the support has always meant a lot to me, every difficult step of the way.
I have read and posted on this board for years, because I needed support with my then-wife's alcoholism. I didn't know anything about it, how physically addicting it is, and how baffling and powerful its hold is on those in its grip. It is so terrible.
I tried every manner of love and support - all the wrong things (nagging, begging, threatening, crying, etc) and eventually the hardest thing of all, divorce. She would always drink to the point of an emergency trip to the hospital, and then she would come to her senses for a while, like a few months or even longer.
I love that sober person. She is the kindest angel you could meet, good to everyone, gentle, and abundantly generous. The highlight of my life is those good times we shared.
But now she is dead. She slumped forward in her chair while watching TV, and when her friend checked on her minutes later, she was gone. She had liver disease, complications with her pancreas and numerous things wrong medically.
But she was "OK" - always smiling, happy to see me whenever I called or stopped by, wanting the best for me, and loving and accepting me for who I am. She was my soulmate and I never stopped loving her or vice versa. We were married 17 years and divorced for 7.
I went out of my way to always show her that I cared for her. I gave her more money than I probably needed to, I shared a storage locker for 7 years for old stuff we (she) could not throw away. I stayed in contact with her family and we even went to some events together.
We had some tearful conversations which amounted to me expressing I was sorry for the divorce, and her apologizing for giving me so many reasons to leave. Neither of us wanted it. For me it felt like running from a burning building and saving myself while leaving her behind.
Yet I have no regrets. I was "loving her to death".
As a Christian I struggle with God's purpose in alcoholism. XAW was traumatized in her childhood, I will never know what it was. She believed in God and Jesus and forgiveness and during her clear moments, I saw a beautiful, child like faith in her. She loved going to church and she acted more like Jesus than 99% of people I have met.
She did suffer in this life. But she's not suffering anymore.
This is not a happy ending and it's one reason I, and many others here, sometimes say "run!" to naive newcomers in young, not too late to get away situations where the other person is clearly an alcoholic. There is drama and pain ahead, you have NO control and you should consider you might end up like me, crying and sad that a good person is no longer with us.
The best thing I did was put her on God's hands. He made her, he loves her, he guided her, and he certainly healed her miraculously to the amazement of many - over and over. She was in God's hands the night she died, the night before Easter, relaxing in her apartment surrounded by cats and photos of the many she loved. She was a lovable person.
Much love and blessings to the SR family, the support has always meant a lot to me, every difficult step of the way.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
You sure did love her Djayr. You can see it in every word you posted. Your post is a fear of many people on F & F.
Please know that she knew you loved her and you did the best you could for her and I am sure more. Sending hugs and support, its so sad.
Please know that she knew you loved her and you did the best you could for her and I am sure more. Sending hugs and support, its so sad.
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