Wife Occasionally Binge Drinks
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 10
I’m having a hard time today. After a good couple of months with little drinking, the issue seems to be returning. I know everyone on this thread warned me and I knew this would happen, but it still feels bad. Three things happened this week:
1. Earlier this week, my wife got in a minor car accident which clearly was not her fault, but something about her behavior when she described the accident to me made me question that it was possible she had had a drink prior. I of course did not ask she had been drinking, but I’m suspicious. I know the intersection well and it is a bad intersection, and based on the car is damaged, it wasn’t her fault. However, I wonder if she hadn’t been drinking whether or not she would have been able to avoid the accident. Not sure. No confirmation, and if she had been drinking. The point is that I’m questioning her behavior that under different circumstances would not have warranted any questioning at all.
2. The next night, she went out for a drink with a friend, was out for a few hours, and came home without incident although seemed slightly buzzed, I think from only one drink. In a different context, this would have been meaningless and nothing to think about.
3. Last night, we were at a friend’s house for dinner. She was offered a drink and accepted, and then the friend (trying to be a gracious host) kept refilling the glass despite my wife’s plea that she didn’t need anymore. Of course, she didn’t have to drink the refills but did. I was watching her all night, which I know was a bad thing but it’s impossible not to. She did not have tons and was not seriously drunk, but I could tell she was beginning to go down the path. Very subtly, the nasty side of her started to slip out and I did not like it. No fights, I drove so there was no danger, but I could just tell she was starting to go down that path.
That’s it, no fights, no discussions, no talk about drinking hard alcohol a few
times this week. I’m just annoyed because I feel like the issue is returning.
The above episodes should be meaningless in another context, but not so for this one. I don’t know why, but I feel like we’re back to reality, on a on the downhill path. It’s so subtle, but I feel it’s true. And it’s unbearable.
1. Earlier this week, my wife got in a minor car accident which clearly was not her fault, but something about her behavior when she described the accident to me made me question that it was possible she had had a drink prior. I of course did not ask she had been drinking, but I’m suspicious. I know the intersection well and it is a bad intersection, and based on the car is damaged, it wasn’t her fault. However, I wonder if she hadn’t been drinking whether or not she would have been able to avoid the accident. Not sure. No confirmation, and if she had been drinking. The point is that I’m questioning her behavior that under different circumstances would not have warranted any questioning at all.
2. The next night, she went out for a drink with a friend, was out for a few hours, and came home without incident although seemed slightly buzzed, I think from only one drink. In a different context, this would have been meaningless and nothing to think about.
3. Last night, we were at a friend’s house for dinner. She was offered a drink and accepted, and then the friend (trying to be a gracious host) kept refilling the glass despite my wife’s plea that she didn’t need anymore. Of course, she didn’t have to drink the refills but did. I was watching her all night, which I know was a bad thing but it’s impossible not to. She did not have tons and was not seriously drunk, but I could tell she was beginning to go down the path. Very subtly, the nasty side of her started to slip out and I did not like it. No fights, I drove so there was no danger, but I could just tell she was starting to go down that path.
That’s it, no fights, no discussions, no talk about drinking hard alcohol a few
times this week. I’m just annoyed because I feel like the issue is returning.
The above episodes should be meaningless in another context, but not so for this one. I don’t know why, but I feel like we’re back to reality, on a on the downhill path. It’s so subtle, but I feel it’s true. And it’s unbearable.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
jj….an alcoholic cannot do controlled drinking, or "social drinking", the same way that non-alcoholics are able to do.....they can white knuckle it for various amounts of time...but, the alcoholic voice, in their head, speaks to them 24/7, and eventually, they are back to drinking, again...usually worse than before, as alcoholism is progressive, over time.....
A couple of months ago, it was suggested a couple of books for you to read, as well as the articles in our SR library and alanon….
were you able to avail yourself of any of these...if so, were they of any help, to you?
Have you and your wife discussed the possibility of your wife getting any help....?
I have the feeling that there is a large elephant standing in the corner of your living room.....No?
A couple of months ago, it was suggested a couple of books for you to read, as well as the articles in our SR library and alanon….
were you able to avail yourself of any of these...if so, were they of any help, to you?
Have you and your wife discussed the possibility of your wife getting any help....?
I have the feeling that there is a large elephant standing in the corner of your living room.....No?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I am really sorry for your situation jj. It made me reflect on what my dad went through and tried with my mom, to "help", to "gauge, to "discuss", to....as my moms drinking spiraled out of control.
I will be succinct and please know I say this with great empathy and compassion, as the child of an alcoholic (note- my parents stayed married and my mom has been in recovery for awhile now) and as an alcoholic:
Your situation is a powder keg.
Continuing along the lines she is is almost guaranteed to lead to more serious problems for your wife.
Your children are at ages where they know normal, and what normal looks like in their house. Please believe me when I say that the things a drunk parent can say can damage forever.
The driving around, the questioning, the stress on you btw....
My best suggestion is to get help, learn about alcoholism and do this hopefully with your wife but alone for you and for the kids if you have to in order to start.
Al Anon is a wonderful place for you to seek help.
Alcoholism is a family disease. It just is. Every person in the family is affected.
The family can heal, many times, but the drinking has to stop before anything else can happen. And your wife will have to make that choice for herself. The parent child dynamic or the control-watch or whatever type scenario is just heartbreaking and futile.
You sound like a thoughtful and loving person. Help is available and you and your family most definitely not the only one dealing this.
Best to you.
I will be succinct and please know I say this with great empathy and compassion, as the child of an alcoholic (note- my parents stayed married and my mom has been in recovery for awhile now) and as an alcoholic:
Your situation is a powder keg.
Continuing along the lines she is is almost guaranteed to lead to more serious problems for your wife.
Your children are at ages where they know normal, and what normal looks like in their house. Please believe me when I say that the things a drunk parent can say can damage forever.
The driving around, the questioning, the stress on you btw....
My best suggestion is to get help, learn about alcoholism and do this hopefully with your wife but alone for you and for the kids if you have to in order to start.
Al Anon is a wonderful place for you to seek help.
Alcoholism is a family disease. It just is. Every person in the family is affected.
The family can heal, many times, but the drinking has to stop before anything else can happen. And your wife will have to make that choice for herself. The parent child dynamic or the control-watch or whatever type scenario is just heartbreaking and futile.
You sound like a thoughtful and loving person. Help is available and you and your family most definitely not the only one dealing this.
Best to you.
In search of myself
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Philadelphia FREEDOM
Posts: 149
Originally Posted by jjfromma 
… but I could just tell she was starting to go down that path.
I’m just annoyed because I feel like the issue is returning.
… I feel like we’re back to reality, on a on the downhill path. It’s so subtle, but I feel it’s true. And it’s unbearable.
I’m just annoyed because I feel like the issue is returning.
… I feel like we’re back to reality, on a on the downhill path. It’s so subtle, but I feel it’s true. And it’s unbearable.
If this is truly unbearable for you, start attending Al-Anon and learn to practice the art of detachment. Your wife is not going to stop drinking, no matter how miserable, angry, annoyed, irritated you get.
Her addiction is hers to own; not yours. So what is your responsibility in this situation? To be the best parent you can be. To step back and see your wife is suffering from alcoholism. To get off her side of the street and let her drink.
I understand where you're coming from; believe me, I do. My husband died from alcoholism. I watched the progression of the disease. It is a terrible thing. And there was nothing whatsoever I could do to stop it.
All I could do is save myself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi jj--
I still remember my first AlAnon meeting. I was in my early twenties and dealing with my upbringing in an A family with an AF and codie Mom, and my older brothers were starting their careers as alcoholics....
I would just keep an open mind. Some meetings the "personality" of the group is like spot on and you really feel an immediate connection, some meetings there may be less of an instant connection, but I'd say I learned something from every meeting.
I live in a big city so I had many meetings to choose from. I did find my go-to favorites - one was a big kind of raucous church basement meeting in the evenings, and one was a noontime meeting in the financial district with a bunch of go-getter type A spouses and family of alcoholics. Very different dynamics, learned a lot from both. I went pretty steadily to these for about 2 years.
I didn't speak at my first few meetings and when I did speak for the first time I just started crying so hard. It was pretty intense to finally be spilling and letting go of all the pent up shame, frustration, anger, sadness, but it was awesome to be in a room wth people who really understood, had really walked in my shoes. Also to get the literature and have something to read about my situation. This was before the internet!!
If I pop into a meeting these days (I don't go very much anymore) and I hear things that don't speak to me, or even annoy me, I just leave those in the air....but there will be things that really hit home, and I take those with me and use them as best I can. And who knows if something I share might be the one bright life preserver for someone else that night...so I just keep an open mind.
Good luck! For me it was what finally turned my head around, got me out of denial and into reality and set me on a path to make my own life better and stop trying to fix the alcoholics!
Peace,
B
I still remember my first AlAnon meeting. I was in my early twenties and dealing with my upbringing in an A family with an AF and codie Mom, and my older brothers were starting their careers as alcoholics....
I would just keep an open mind. Some meetings the "personality" of the group is like spot on and you really feel an immediate connection, some meetings there may be less of an instant connection, but I'd say I learned something from every meeting.
I live in a big city so I had many meetings to choose from. I did find my go-to favorites - one was a big kind of raucous church basement meeting in the evenings, and one was a noontime meeting in the financial district with a bunch of go-getter type A spouses and family of alcoholics. Very different dynamics, learned a lot from both. I went pretty steadily to these for about 2 years.
I didn't speak at my first few meetings and when I did speak for the first time I just started crying so hard. It was pretty intense to finally be spilling and letting go of all the pent up shame, frustration, anger, sadness, but it was awesome to be in a room wth people who really understood, had really walked in my shoes. Also to get the literature and have something to read about my situation. This was before the internet!!
If I pop into a meeting these days (I don't go very much anymore) and I hear things that don't speak to me, or even annoy me, I just leave those in the air....but there will be things that really hit home, and I take those with me and use them as best I can. And who knows if something I share might be the one bright life preserver for someone else that night...so I just keep an open mind.
Good luck! For me it was what finally turned my head around, got me out of denial and into reality and set me on a path to make my own life better and stop trying to fix the alcoholics!
Peace,
B
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by jjfromma
I’ve finally gotten up the guts to go to my first Al-Anon meeting tonight. What should I expect? Any advice?
I also live in a large city with tons of meetings to choose from, but I chose one that I knew how to get to exactly!
Parked in the church parking lot and others were there, few minutes before start time. Some people were still sitting in their vehicles, anyway, obvious to me where the entrance was - that's where my fellow Al-anoners were heading, I said to someone, is this for the meeting? They said yes and I just followed them in.
The room was a cosy little room off to the side, the meeting was full (around 20 people - three males, the rest female). The leader of this particular meeting read from a book, I don't really remember the topic, I was just trying not to cry. Also I was greeted by a few people when I went in, kind women that told me where to sit and welcomed me, explained I didn't need to say anything tonight if I didn't want to, just say pass when the reading was passed around the room (a sheet that everyone reads a part of was passed around - I passed and gave it to the next person).
After all that we went around the room so people could share if they wanted to. One spoke of staying on her side of the street and how that was working, one cried and explained how she was going to revisit her relationship with her alcoholic boyfriend, others spoke in general - when it got to me I again passed on speaking.
There was a warmth in the room, I felt like crying almost the whole time so couldn't have spoken even if I wanted to.
Then the meeting wrapped up, one woman gave me her number and mentioned that if I was not a religious person not to worry about the serenity prayer and some other prayer they said.
That was about it, I left. Obviously I didn't give it a good go, I only went one time - but it was not a bad experience at all and I can see how it would really be beneficial. There is wisdom there.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I'd just say go with an open mind and heart. The standard advice is to try 6 DIFFERENT meetings before you decide it's not for you, the reason for this being that meetings can vary tremendously simply b/c each meeting is made up of a different batch of people.
You may find ultra-huge meetings, tiny little meetings, and everything in between. Daytime meetings may contain more stay-at-home parents and/or retirees simply b/c those are the folks who have daytime availability. Different meetings may have different formats, i.e., "Step Study" meetings, meetings that work their way through a specific Alanon book such as "Pathways to Recovery", meetings where members sign up in a rotating fashion to lead the meeting, and so on.
The best thing, though, is to go and see how it feels for you. I was lurking over in the Newcomers forum some time ago and someone was waffling back and forth about going to his first AA meeting, wanting to know in great detail what would happen there, what he should think about it, how he should act. A wise SR member said "you know, just GO. It's like finding a recipe online--you can look at the ingredients, read all the reviews, check out the photos, but UNTIL YOU ACTUALLY MAKE IT FOR YOURSELF, you will not really know what it tastes like!"
And I thought that was some pretty good advice. Hope your first meeting is a good experience for you; if not, hope you try some different ones. Alanon was by no means ALL of my recovery, but it was certainly a significant piece of the puzzle.
You may find ultra-huge meetings, tiny little meetings, and everything in between. Daytime meetings may contain more stay-at-home parents and/or retirees simply b/c those are the folks who have daytime availability. Different meetings may have different formats, i.e., "Step Study" meetings, meetings that work their way through a specific Alanon book such as "Pathways to Recovery", meetings where members sign up in a rotating fashion to lead the meeting, and so on.
The best thing, though, is to go and see how it feels for you. I was lurking over in the Newcomers forum some time ago and someone was waffling back and forth about going to his first AA meeting, wanting to know in great detail what would happen there, what he should think about it, how he should act. A wise SR member said "you know, just GO. It's like finding a recipe online--you can look at the ingredients, read all the reviews, check out the photos, but UNTIL YOU ACTUALLY MAKE IT FOR YOURSELF, you will not really know what it tastes like!"
And I thought that was some pretty good advice. Hope your first meeting is a good experience for you; if not, hope you try some different ones. Alanon was by no means ALL of my recovery, but it was certainly a significant piece of the puzzle.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Originally Posted by jjfromma
I’ve finally gotten up the guts to go to my first Al-Anon meeting tonight. What should I expect? Any advice?
Tell them it's your first meeting and need a bit of help is the main thing... They will help you from there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 10
Thanks for the advice, everyone. It was a small group last night, with only for other people besides me. Everyone was very welcoming and helpful, and helped make my first meeting relatively painless. One part I am very confused about, however. This was a 12 step group, and they are on step nine. What I don’t understand is why do I need to forgive someone? Maybe this is classic denial on my part, but I don’t understand what I have done wrong. Just because this is considered a family disease that doesn’t make me sick, or does it? If it does, then I don’t know yet how that’s the case. It’s a good thing to think about, but I’m still not really sure how that fits for me. For example, if someone in my family had cancer, it of course affects the whole family. However, it doesn’t mean that everyone else in the family has cancer.
I feel like I’m missing something and I imagine this is part of the overall process, but it would be very helpful if someone could help explain this to me. Thanks so much.
I feel like I’m missing something and I imagine this is part of the overall process, but it would be very helpful if someone could help explain this to me. Thanks so much.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
The way I see it is...Al Anon isn't about your alcoholic, it is all about you. The goal of Al Anon is for you to learn how to live a happier, more serene life. Not just where it involves your alcoholic, but in all areas of your life.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Forgiveness in its strictest sense: "1 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : pardon "
So, not to be confused with forgive and FORGET and forgiveness is about you.
Forgetting the word forgive, or that anyone did anything "wrong" - holding resentment hurts you really, the person it's directed at too of course, but that's not in their control, it's in your control and what is the point?
As for the family disease, unlike Diabetes etc, mental illness, alcoholism etc does affect every single person in the family. It is destructive, it affects all relationships, for children it is a huge problem. That's where that fits in.
There are really only two ways to go with this. You either accept her just the way she is, detaching yourself from her drinking or you leave. Those are really your options. You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. Your watching her and being "annoyed" is no kind of solution and helps no one.
Now of course there is a little room in between these two black and white options Have you discussed treatment with her at all? While you certainly can't force her to accept help, is she open to it at all?
So, not to be confused with forgive and FORGET and forgiveness is about you.
Forgetting the word forgive, or that anyone did anything "wrong" - holding resentment hurts you really, the person it's directed at too of course, but that's not in their control, it's in your control and what is the point?
As for the family disease, unlike Diabetes etc, mental illness, alcoholism etc does affect every single person in the family. It is destructive, it affects all relationships, for children it is a huge problem. That's where that fits in.
There are really only two ways to go with this. You either accept her just the way she is, detaching yourself from her drinking or you leave. Those are really your options. You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. Your watching her and being "annoyed" is no kind of solution and helps no one.
Now of course there is a little room in between these two black and white options Have you discussed treatment with her at all? While you certainly can't force her to accept help, is she open to it at all?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 10
Thanks for the helpful explanation, trailmix. Step 9 makes much more sense now.
My wife is getting help from a Social Worker and an MD for meds, but it’s focused on depression and not (as far as she’s told me) drinking or alcoholism. She’s still in a deep state of denial and thinks there’s no issue and that I’m making a big deal out of nothing. She went to one AA meeting several months ago and felt completely out of place since she’s “not like everyone else”. I think that one meeting actually solidified in her mind that she’s not an alcoholic. She doesn’t want to try another meeting. So although she’s getting help, it’s not directed in the way you were asking.
The black and white choice you suggest seems exactly right.
My wife is getting help from a Social Worker and an MD for meds, but it’s focused on depression and not (as far as she’s told me) drinking or alcoholism. She’s still in a deep state of denial and thinks there’s no issue and that I’m making a big deal out of nothing. She went to one AA meeting several months ago and felt completely out of place since she’s “not like everyone else”. I think that one meeting actually solidified in her mind that she’s not an alcoholic. She doesn’t want to try another meeting. So although she’s getting help, it’s not directed in the way you were asking.
The black and white choice you suggest seems exactly right.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Charleston, SC
Posts: 62
Part of what you learn about being the al-Anon in the relationship is that you are a mirrror image of the alcoholic. Rather than alcohol being your obsession, the alcoholic themselves is your obsession. Maybe make a pie chart for the day and honestly divide it up by what you are thinking about or focuses on - likelihood is it’s her. We often lie to ourselves, others, cover-up for their behaviors, etc.
If you do really care about her you can’t continue to give her a soft landing/pillow after each episode. The only thing that worked in my situation was to start enforcing consequences. I am a recovering alcoholic (2 years sober) and married to my best drinking buddy, another alcoholic and love my wife very much. We have two young boys - 4 and 7. It wasn’t until I confronted her about the alcohol hidden around the house and asked her to leave the home until she got help that anything changed. I couldn’t risk having my boys in the situation anymore. She had been half way in AA for the prevoia year but never stayed sober more than 75-90 days before she declared she was a normal drinker and not an alcoholic. She hit her bottom after I kicked her out and jumped in to AA with both feet and let the women around her show her the how to get better.
The only thing an alcoholic will respond to in my opinion is consequences - it’s up them how many they can handle before changing. In my case I didn’t know what happened when I asked her to leave but I took the action and turned her over to the universe at that point.
Who am I to deny someone their bottom by constantly enabling them with comfort and loving them to death.
If you do really care about her you can’t continue to give her a soft landing/pillow after each episode. The only thing that worked in my situation was to start enforcing consequences. I am a recovering alcoholic (2 years sober) and married to my best drinking buddy, another alcoholic and love my wife very much. We have two young boys - 4 and 7. It wasn’t until I confronted her about the alcohol hidden around the house and asked her to leave the home until she got help that anything changed. I couldn’t risk having my boys in the situation anymore. She had been half way in AA for the prevoia year but never stayed sober more than 75-90 days before she declared she was a normal drinker and not an alcoholic. She hit her bottom after I kicked her out and jumped in to AA with both feet and let the women around her show her the how to get better.
The only thing an alcoholic will respond to in my opinion is consequences - it’s up them how many they can handle before changing. In my case I didn’t know what happened when I asked her to leave but I took the action and turned her over to the universe at that point.
Who am I to deny someone their bottom by constantly enabling them with comfort and loving them to death.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 10
Thanks, ChucktownMC, and right now I’m trying to do exactly what you suggest about consequences and not softening the blow of her actions. I’m curious: do you recommend I talk to her about this directly? This is of course part of the elephant in room and the powder keg others have correctly pointed out. I’d like to talk about her drinking and the consequences with her, but I’m afraid it will rapidly descend into a bad fight with her threatening to leave, and I don’t want that right now. But it also sounds like that’s possibly a necessary part of hitting bottom. But with youngish kids in the house, I’m not ready for that possible outcome. I know that no one holds the “answer” here other than me and my wife, but I’d love to hear others’ opinions as to what would be a good next step here.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
jjfromma….can you list, very specifically, what exact fears you have..?
I think that, sometimes, the fear is so generalized that it feels like a giant, insurmountable wall of fear....but, when one takes that wall apart...and, looks at one brick at a time...it feels much less overwhelming....and the individual bricks become the "to do list", and a place to begin the baby steps....
Every big thing is made up of lots of small things…..
I think that, sometimes, the fear is so generalized that it feels like a giant, insurmountable wall of fear....but, when one takes that wall apart...and, looks at one brick at a time...it feels much less overwhelming....and the individual bricks become the "to do list", and a place to begin the baby steps....
Every big thing is made up of lots of small things…..
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: North Yorkshire UK
Posts: 765
I posted this a while ago on another thread....kind of relevant now...
26-2018 10:38 AM by soberista
As a recovering alcoholic I would say that it didnt really matter to me what my partner said with regards to my drinking.
I had drunk a couple of bottles of wine one evening when his kids (9 & 11) had come to visit and the next day he had sent me a message saying that he just couldn't go on with my drinking anymore and seeing me like that in front of his kids, well it was too much. If I didnt address my drinking it would be the end of us.
I was quick to respond with something along the lines of well if you are asking me to never drink again I am not prepared to do commit to that. (I also remember seeing, more recently in another thread somewhere, someone saying something along the lines of their addictive voice had said to them if one of your kids died that would be a time to pick up a drink and they said for my head to go there well it demonstrated how much my drinking was driving the train.
And so for me too. I was prepared to lose the relationship (and I quickly decided that was an option) rather than putting my own behavior into check. At the time nothing was going to get in the way of my next drink.
I was functioning, going to work, etc etc but I was hiding how much i was drinking...hiding bottles of wine and how much of them I had drunk or bought. Keeping boxes of wine in the boot of the car or in cupboards that he rarely went into. I can remember countless episodes when on holiday where I would go the bar without him knowing to get a few in before he arrived.
My decision to stop drinking this year on the 4th January was arrived at without anything said by him. (Some maybe 4 months after his message but nothing to do with that message). I woke up that morning after downing over 2 bottles of wine the night before and said "Enough now".
Probability would suggest your husband is a fairly heavy drinker. Hiding it, lying, driving to dispose of bottles well it all smacks of someone who is fairly heavily entrenched in their drinking "career". For you to not know all of this, well unfortunately he isnt the man you think he is. The advice of the posters who have lived with people like me they are your mentors on this one now. Meeting people from AlAnon also will help you make sense of what to do next.
And just for the record. If the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have left after that evening with the kids. I wouldnt have even sent the message.
All the very best to you Xx
26-2018 10:38 AM by soberista
As a recovering alcoholic I would say that it didnt really matter to me what my partner said with regards to my drinking.
I had drunk a couple of bottles of wine one evening when his kids (9 & 11) had come to visit and the next day he had sent me a message saying that he just couldn't go on with my drinking anymore and seeing me like that in front of his kids, well it was too much. If I didnt address my drinking it would be the end of us.
I was quick to respond with something along the lines of well if you are asking me to never drink again I am not prepared to do commit to that. (I also remember seeing, more recently in another thread somewhere, someone saying something along the lines of their addictive voice had said to them if one of your kids died that would be a time to pick up a drink and they said for my head to go there well it demonstrated how much my drinking was driving the train.
And so for me too. I was prepared to lose the relationship (and I quickly decided that was an option) rather than putting my own behavior into check. At the time nothing was going to get in the way of my next drink.
I was functioning, going to work, etc etc but I was hiding how much i was drinking...hiding bottles of wine and how much of them I had drunk or bought. Keeping boxes of wine in the boot of the car or in cupboards that he rarely went into. I can remember countless episodes when on holiday where I would go the bar without him knowing to get a few in before he arrived.
My decision to stop drinking this year on the 4th January was arrived at without anything said by him. (Some maybe 4 months after his message but nothing to do with that message). I woke up that morning after downing over 2 bottles of wine the night before and said "Enough now".
Probability would suggest your husband is a fairly heavy drinker. Hiding it, lying, driving to dispose of bottles well it all smacks of someone who is fairly heavily entrenched in their drinking "career". For you to not know all of this, well unfortunately he isnt the man you think he is. The advice of the posters who have lived with people like me they are your mentors on this one now. Meeting people from AlAnon also will help you make sense of what to do next.
And just for the record. If the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have left after that evening with the kids. I wouldnt have even sent the message.
All the very best to you Xx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Maybe think about it this way. They are on chapter 9 of a 12 chapter book. Attending and meeting others is HUGE, and they will start over back to chapter 1 soon enough.
Originally Posted by jjfromma
Thanks for the advice, everyone. It was a small group last night, with only for other people besides me. Everyone was very welcoming and helpful, and helped make my first meeting relatively painless. One part I am very confused about, however. This was a 12 step group, and they are on step nine. What I don’t understand is why do I need to forgive someone? Maybe this is classic denial on my part, but I don’t understand what I have done wrong. Just because this is considered a family disease that doesn’t make me sick, or does it? If it does, then I don’t know yet how that’s the case. It’s a good thing to think about, but I’m still not really sure how that fits for me. For example, if someone in my family had cancer, it of course affects the whole family. However, it doesn’t mean that everyone else in the family has cancer.
I feel like I’m missing something and I imagine this is part of the overall process, but it would be very helpful if someone could help explain this to me. Thanks so much.
I feel like I’m missing something and I imagine this is part of the overall process, but it would be very helpful if someone could help explain this to me. Thanks so much.
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Originally Posted by jjfromma
Thanks for the helpful explanation, trailmix. Step 9 makes much more sense now.
My wife is getting help from a Social Worker and an MD for meds, but it’s focused on depression and not (as far as she’s told me) drinking or alcoholism. She’s still in a deep state of denial and thinks there’s no issue and that I’m making a big deal out of nothing. She went to one AA meeting several months ago and felt completely out of place since she’s “not like everyone else”. I think that one meeting actually solidified in her mind that she’s not an alcoholic. She doesn’t want to try another meeting. So although she’s getting help, it’s not directed in the way you were asking.
The black and white choice you suggest seems exactly right.
My wife is getting help from a Social Worker and an MD for meds, but it’s focused on depression and not (as far as she’s told me) drinking or alcoholism. She’s still in a deep state of denial and thinks there’s no issue and that I’m making a big deal out of nothing. She went to one AA meeting several months ago and felt completely out of place since she’s “not like everyone else”. I think that one meeting actually solidified in her mind that she’s not an alcoholic. She doesn’t want to try another meeting. So although she’s getting help, it’s not directed in the way you were asking.
The black and white choice you suggest seems exactly right.
Why did she go to an AA meeting several months ago? She just decided to go one day on her own even though she doesn't admit a problem? Or was she encouraged to go? Im wondering if her doctor or social worker is actually aware of her drinking?
When my husband was binge drinking and using drugs. For a while (too long) I kept thinking he was just going to stop and so I did nothing except tolerate his behavior. Surely he was going to snap back into normalcy soon?
I had to seek help for myself and I turned to professional therapy with someone versed in addiction medicine. It really helped to get an understanding of alcohol/substance use disorder. Its not as simple as one being an "alcoholic" or not an alcoholic. There is a spectrum and often reasons why people drink. It can be associated with other mental health issues like depression. (My husbands was).
Therapy, also helped me with my own feelings, reaffirming my own identity and strengths, stabilizing my thinking so I could make better choices, and taught me how to communicate more efficiently with my husband so I could address the elephant in the room, and try to create a better dynamic between us. If I had not done the therapy route, then I feel there were two other choices for me:
1. Ignore what he was doing and take on the belief that it was none of my business and assume somehow that he was of healthy mind and was choosing to binge and therefore aware of the consequences and effect on himself and relationships. Set up boundaries to protect myself, and carry on with my life with an uncertainty about the future of my marriage.
2. Or leave.
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