Ok. It's Happening.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Ok. It's Happening.
Hi all. I've been on and off this site for 5 years, mostly talking about my own drinking and my relationship to alcohol, and seeking help with quitting and developing without booze.
When it comes to the Friends and Family forums, I mainly browse looking for stories I relate to. I have other alcoholics in my life that affect me. My significant other, my mother, my deceased father, my grandparents, my aunt.... Yeah pretty much everyone.
I'm here to post about my SO today. He's a brilliant, hilarious, creative, specialized craftsman and very talented artist (perfect for me) who is the most handsome person I have ever had the pleasure to be with, and he fixes my house and my bike and comes running to my side if I happen to have a creepy person in my backyard, for example. He is uniquely suited to me in many ways, and I feel so lucky to have met someone like him, and I have always seen a future with him. I've gotten to know his family as well, and I just feel so good about these aspects of our relationship.
However. He is an immature, selfish, insecure, depressed, broke, DRUNK, freeloading wasteoid as well. He takes the easy way. He is overwhelmed and drinks to quiet his traumas and his obligations, and his boss is an even worse drunk than he is. He is constantly promised work from this guy (who is also his friend and drinking buddy) but the jobs disappear or he calls out "sick" or really sick so my SO barely gets enough hours. He is being held down by this guy. But he's not taking his life into his own hands. He gets so depressed and messed up when his job runs out or he needs to do something about his employment. He lets things get really bad and the money really low. Nobody likes to have to change their job I know! I get depressed too. I can't bare to watch this anymore, as I've watched him go through three iterations of this exact scenario in the two and a half years we have been together. We are both 36 years old!
We were drunks together. My connection to him and his family has inspired me to take action in my own life (I have other motivations as well, I'm working hard to not be codependent hehe ugh). I'm newly sober, seeing a therapist, going to AA, I'm focusing on my art, and I've held down a steady job that pays the bills for three years. He has stayed in the same place.
He keeps saying that he will take "a break" from drinking to clear his head and get things done. But he keeps putting it off.
How can we move on with our life together and have what we want. He wants to move in together! I can't move in with someone who is barely making the bills, not able to tackle the most minor hiccups in life (his car needs the brakes fixed, my birthday is coming up, etc!!). I am so upset and stressed about this all the time. And I can't stand how codependent and controlling I am so I am wrestling with that too. But I just want to scream "WAKE UP!!!" Because he is going to lose me if he doesn't make some moves in his life and stop being kept down like this by his drinking buddy/boss. I have been married twice, both marriages were total failures and I almost didn't survive the pain of those losses. I can't invest in this. But I want to have faith.
I haven't seen him in a week (actually I went to his house once to see if he was ok and he had been drinking all day and not working), and he has been honest and told me he's been just drunk all day morning to night. Yesterday I tried to call him midday thinking I'd catch him before he was drunk, but he said he didn't want to talk because ...... he was drunk! And I told him his drunkenness triggers me and I can't deal with it being shoved in my face. He sees this as a failing on my part that I can't take it. But he knows he is not doing the right thing, but he is too depressed and drunk to get out of this spiral. There's nothing I can do and that is the worst part. I cry all the time now. He told me he would not drink today because we are supposed to get together later.
If he does, I will for sure hear about it because his silence will tell me, or he will just tell me. And I'm going to have to tell him that we need to take a break because I love him so much and I can't do this anymore.
Worst part is, I have done this very thing to others. I want to be better than my past partners, who weren't there for me even when I was trying to do something about it (I have always been a fighter). How can I be strong without making him feel the abandonment that I felt so many times. Is this what I deserve after a lifetime of drunkenness that I imposed on others? I guess not. Drunks also screwed up my young life and squashed my potential many times. I am still fighting though. I guess I just can't stand to watch him not fighting. I am not enough to inspire him, his family isn't, his art, his skills, nothing is enough.
Believe me, if this person didn't mean a hell of a lot to me, if he didn't have very strong redeeming qualities, I would be out. I would have bolted. I don't want to let this one go. I really don't. So sad.
Thank you if you have read this rant, I needed to put this here and I need to read it again and again. As always, I am really grateful for your input, your compassion, your patience.
Crying AGAIN,
Plenny
When it comes to the Friends and Family forums, I mainly browse looking for stories I relate to. I have other alcoholics in my life that affect me. My significant other, my mother, my deceased father, my grandparents, my aunt.... Yeah pretty much everyone.
I'm here to post about my SO today. He's a brilliant, hilarious, creative, specialized craftsman and very talented artist (perfect for me) who is the most handsome person I have ever had the pleasure to be with, and he fixes my house and my bike and comes running to my side if I happen to have a creepy person in my backyard, for example. He is uniquely suited to me in many ways, and I feel so lucky to have met someone like him, and I have always seen a future with him. I've gotten to know his family as well, and I just feel so good about these aspects of our relationship.
However. He is an immature, selfish, insecure, depressed, broke, DRUNK, freeloading wasteoid as well. He takes the easy way. He is overwhelmed and drinks to quiet his traumas and his obligations, and his boss is an even worse drunk than he is. He is constantly promised work from this guy (who is also his friend and drinking buddy) but the jobs disappear or he calls out "sick" or really sick so my SO barely gets enough hours. He is being held down by this guy. But he's not taking his life into his own hands. He gets so depressed and messed up when his job runs out or he needs to do something about his employment. He lets things get really bad and the money really low. Nobody likes to have to change their job I know! I get depressed too. I can't bare to watch this anymore, as I've watched him go through three iterations of this exact scenario in the two and a half years we have been together. We are both 36 years old!
We were drunks together. My connection to him and his family has inspired me to take action in my own life (I have other motivations as well, I'm working hard to not be codependent hehe ugh). I'm newly sober, seeing a therapist, going to AA, I'm focusing on my art, and I've held down a steady job that pays the bills for three years. He has stayed in the same place.
He keeps saying that he will take "a break" from drinking to clear his head and get things done. But he keeps putting it off.
How can we move on with our life together and have what we want. He wants to move in together! I can't move in with someone who is barely making the bills, not able to tackle the most minor hiccups in life (his car needs the brakes fixed, my birthday is coming up, etc!!). I am so upset and stressed about this all the time. And I can't stand how codependent and controlling I am so I am wrestling with that too. But I just want to scream "WAKE UP!!!" Because he is going to lose me if he doesn't make some moves in his life and stop being kept down like this by his drinking buddy/boss. I have been married twice, both marriages were total failures and I almost didn't survive the pain of those losses. I can't invest in this. But I want to have faith.
I haven't seen him in a week (actually I went to his house once to see if he was ok and he had been drinking all day and not working), and he has been honest and told me he's been just drunk all day morning to night. Yesterday I tried to call him midday thinking I'd catch him before he was drunk, but he said he didn't want to talk because ...... he was drunk! And I told him his drunkenness triggers me and I can't deal with it being shoved in my face. He sees this as a failing on my part that I can't take it. But he knows he is not doing the right thing, but he is too depressed and drunk to get out of this spiral. There's nothing I can do and that is the worst part. I cry all the time now. He told me he would not drink today because we are supposed to get together later.
If he does, I will for sure hear about it because his silence will tell me, or he will just tell me. And I'm going to have to tell him that we need to take a break because I love him so much and I can't do this anymore.
Worst part is, I have done this very thing to others. I want to be better than my past partners, who weren't there for me even when I was trying to do something about it (I have always been a fighter). How can I be strong without making him feel the abandonment that I felt so many times. Is this what I deserve after a lifetime of drunkenness that I imposed on others? I guess not. Drunks also screwed up my young life and squashed my potential many times. I am still fighting though. I guess I just can't stand to watch him not fighting. I am not enough to inspire him, his family isn't, his art, his skills, nothing is enough.
Believe me, if this person didn't mean a hell of a lot to me, if he didn't have very strong redeeming qualities, I would be out. I would have bolted. I don't want to let this one go. I really don't. So sad.
Thank you if you have read this rant, I needed to put this here and I need to read it again and again. As always, I am really grateful for your input, your compassion, your patience.
Crying AGAIN,
Plenny
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,137
Oh Plenny 
I feel you. My ex/bf and me also had a pretty codependent relationship. First it was me who he fixed as I still was drinking when we got together and he went through early recovery with me and all that crap. Giving much more than he had to give, being in recovery himself. I went to AA, am seeing a therapist, etc. I do my very best to get a grip on my life and get things sorted out so I can have a future and hopefully be a good mum one day.
When I met him, my bf seemed to have figured it all out already (in comparison to me) but doing so much work on myself his problems started to stand out more and more to me. I noticed how immature he is, despite being 12 years older. How he still can't deal with so many things at almost 6 years sober. He's very inflexible and needs to be able to run every day and draw or paint, otherwise he ends up very moody and stressed. When I am stressed it would wear him out so easily. In the beginning I was actually taking my problems out on him, being quite dependent on him. But during the passed half year I was getting very independent but still it would stress him immensely whenever I had a problem. I think he just can't distance himself that well.
He said all the time that he knows he needs help (suffers from childhood stuff, depression, anxiety, panic attacks which he treats with benzos, low self esteem, anger issues,...) and wants to start therapy but it never happened. It started to annoy me so much that I was doing all this work, trying to build a good base for our future together and he didn't tackle his stuff. Not even tried taking a drivers license. It was wearing me down a lot and felt unfair.
It's not the same situation but similar I guess.
I still love him and still hope for a future together. He has the best heart and is the sweetest and most caring guy. And we are made for each other in many ways, inspire each other and have this amazing and unique connection.
In hindsight I actually think that maybe some of the issues he has are not as "easy" to change for him as they were for me and that I should've just tried to accept him more the way he is. And instead of constantly telling him to change, maybe I should've tried to find ways how we both can deal with his problems better as a couple.
Like I was mostly so unhappy because it felt like I was working so hard on our future and expected him to do the same but he wasn't. And I thought that he didn't care or try enough. But maybe he can't. Cause that's who he is as a person. So I think it may be wiser to try and no longer push someone to change but to see how you can make the best out of the relationship like it is and then see and review it for yourself if that is what you really want.
I am not sure how to phrase it but I hope it makes at least a little sense!
I feel you. My ex/bf and me also had a pretty codependent relationship. First it was me who he fixed as I still was drinking when we got together and he went through early recovery with me and all that crap. Giving much more than he had to give, being in recovery himself. I went to AA, am seeing a therapist, etc. I do my very best to get a grip on my life and get things sorted out so I can have a future and hopefully be a good mum one day.
When I met him, my bf seemed to have figured it all out already (in comparison to me) but doing so much work on myself his problems started to stand out more and more to me. I noticed how immature he is, despite being 12 years older. How he still can't deal with so many things at almost 6 years sober. He's very inflexible and needs to be able to run every day and draw or paint, otherwise he ends up very moody and stressed. When I am stressed it would wear him out so easily. In the beginning I was actually taking my problems out on him, being quite dependent on him. But during the passed half year I was getting very independent but still it would stress him immensely whenever I had a problem. I think he just can't distance himself that well.
He said all the time that he knows he needs help (suffers from childhood stuff, depression, anxiety, panic attacks which he treats with benzos, low self esteem, anger issues,...) and wants to start therapy but it never happened. It started to annoy me so much that I was doing all this work, trying to build a good base for our future together and he didn't tackle his stuff. Not even tried taking a drivers license. It was wearing me down a lot and felt unfair.
It's not the same situation but similar I guess.
I still love him and still hope for a future together. He has the best heart and is the sweetest and most caring guy. And we are made for each other in many ways, inspire each other and have this amazing and unique connection.
In hindsight I actually think that maybe some of the issues he has are not as "easy" to change for him as they were for me and that I should've just tried to accept him more the way he is. And instead of constantly telling him to change, maybe I should've tried to find ways how we both can deal with his problems better as a couple.
Like I was mostly so unhappy because it felt like I was working so hard on our future and expected him to do the same but he wasn't. And I thought that he didn't care or try enough. But maybe he can't. Cause that's who he is as a person. So I think it may be wiser to try and no longer push someone to change but to see how you can make the best out of the relationship like it is and then see and review it for yourself if that is what you really want.
I am not sure how to phrase it but I hope it makes at least a little sense!
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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Just wanted to add this:
What made me think that way was that I realised that I'm the kind of person who values the thought / intend higher than the outcome. I don't care how much everyone contributes, as long as they are doing their best. It wouldn't seem unfair to me if my partner doesn't have a drivers license because of a handicap like a wheelchair. Jeez then I'd never expect him to drive! And I'd surely not find it unfair that I have to do all the driving.
But then I'd have to think about whether or not I want to be in a relationship with someone in a wheelchair. Because his handicap will also affect me and my life to a certain degree.
However I shouldn't be with him, telling him he should just try harder to walk. That's unfair. And I think that we as humans often make the mistake of assuming that we all have the exact same preconditions and potential, that we can all reach the same goals if we do the same thing. What worked for us sure will work for others.
When I did an internship at a school in Finland where many normal seeming children had in fact special needs, I learned that this was simply not true. And that some people will never be able to do certain things, even if much more help is given but that it doesn't make them lazy or bad. And that they have other great qualities too.
I'm not saying that your bf has special needs and therefor can't do more with his life. But maybe there are reasons we can't see why some people make things work and others just keep struggling. Just maybe it's not fair to judge people who can't achieve sobriety or other things, just because we managed to.
I do now suspect my ex /bf to be slightly autistic and therefor struggling with certain things a lot more. Probably on a neurological level and not just psychological. Had he had a diagnosis for this and had I known about it, I think I would've a lot more patient and understanding about many things.
What made me think that way was that I realised that I'm the kind of person who values the thought / intend higher than the outcome. I don't care how much everyone contributes, as long as they are doing their best. It wouldn't seem unfair to me if my partner doesn't have a drivers license because of a handicap like a wheelchair. Jeez then I'd never expect him to drive! And I'd surely not find it unfair that I have to do all the driving.
But then I'd have to think about whether or not I want to be in a relationship with someone in a wheelchair. Because his handicap will also affect me and my life to a certain degree.
However I shouldn't be with him, telling him he should just try harder to walk. That's unfair. And I think that we as humans often make the mistake of assuming that we all have the exact same preconditions and potential, that we can all reach the same goals if we do the same thing. What worked for us sure will work for others.
When I did an internship at a school in Finland where many normal seeming children had in fact special needs, I learned that this was simply not true. And that some people will never be able to do certain things, even if much more help is given but that it doesn't make them lazy or bad. And that they have other great qualities too.
I'm not saying that your bf has special needs and therefor can't do more with his life. But maybe there are reasons we can't see why some people make things work and others just keep struggling. Just maybe it's not fair to judge people who can't achieve sobriety or other things, just because we managed to.
I do now suspect my ex /bf to be slightly autistic and therefor struggling with certain things a lot more. Probably on a neurological level and not just psychological. Had he had a diagnosis for this and had I known about it, I think I would've a lot more patient and understanding about many things.
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Hi Plenny, I'm sorry you are in such a tough situation that is, obviously, so hurtful.
You can't. You can't have what you want as long as he is in active addiction, as you know. You also can't control this.
This is one of the reasons why it's so horrible to be in a relationship with an addict. There is this person who you care about that is on a totally self destructive path and you have zero input in trying to help.
Maybe that should read because you love yourself so much? Really this is and should be about you.
I don't know how long you drank for or how long you have been sober for but being around people who will have a very negative impact on your healing is not going to help YOU at all.
I think, going forward, as you do examine your life sober you will see that taking care of yourself is very important. In fact it's imperative. It was also imperative to those past partners that "weren't there for you".
None of this is easy. Looking out for yourself, taking care of yourself first, doesn't sound like it comes naturally to you and it doesn't for a lot of us. Add an active addict in to the picture and it's going to cause pain. Addiction is selfish, it's draining on the addict and all those around him or her. People get tapped out, no one is an endless well of compassion. It's hard to be in a situation when next to nothing is given back in compassion and love.
How can we move on with our life together and have what we want.
And I told him his drunkenness triggers me and I can't deal with it being shoved in my face. He sees this as a failing on my part that I can't take it. But he knows he is not doing the right thing, but he is too depressed and drunk to get out of this spiral. There's nothing I can do and that is the worst part.
And I'm going to have to tell him that we need to take a break because I love him so much and I can't do this anymore.
Worst part is, I have done this very thing to others. I want to be better than my past partners, who weren't there for me even when I was trying to do something about it
I think, going forward, as you do examine your life sober you will see that taking care of yourself is very important. In fact it's imperative. It was also imperative to those past partners that "weren't there for you".
None of this is easy. Looking out for yourself, taking care of yourself first, doesn't sound like it comes naturally to you and it doesn't for a lot of us. Add an active addict in to the picture and it's going to cause pain. Addiction is selfish, it's draining on the addict and all those around him or her. People get tapped out, no one is an endless well of compassion. It's hard to be in a situation when next to nothing is given back in compassion and love.
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Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
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tough situation, but something to think about:
. I don't want to let this one go. I really don't
when you were the drunk, what happened to the people around you that didnt walk away? did ya drag them down with ya?
im not sure if he is open to a 12th step call from some members of AA, but it may be worth a thought at least. ya may want to talk to some folks in the meetings about it.
. I don't want to let this one go. I really don't
when you were the drunk, what happened to the people around you that didnt walk away? did ya drag them down with ya?
im not sure if he is open to a 12th step call from some members of AA, but it may be worth a thought at least. ya may want to talk to some folks in the meetings about it.
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Thanks everyone. Kev, thank you you are echoing my efforts to remain empathetic.
Trailmix, the hardest thing is knowing I might have to do what my exes felt they had to do. However, I won't leave someone without announcement two months after their father dies while they are in early recovery to deal with the grief (yes he deserted me when I was newly sober he just never came back one day he even told the landlord I had agreed to take on the lease so they wouldn't believe me, I was about to start school and had no money and a big expensive new york rent all on me). And I won't take my greencard and go sleeping with the drummer of my band while my SO suffers through yet another attempt at early recovery and has just gone no contact with her entire abusive family (yep! Husband number 2). Frankly, my exes were cowards and cruel. I am not like them. I would not run off. Not like that. If they felt they had to get away from me, fine but they thwarted my wellbeing and added so much more pain and hurt. It hurts so much to think of hurting him while he is already down. I guess that's what I'm saying.
TomSteve, actually the ones that didn't walk away are still my friends today. There's a lot of them. I was actually very reclusive in my dark times and no one went down with me. Not being defensive, just answering your question. I unfortunately did (yes REALLY) fight my battles alone. I didn't want to drag anyone down. It almost killed me.
Unfortunately my SO is not open to outside help. He knows he needs to stop someday. He is "not ready." We all know how that goes. I wish he would open up to a therapist or a family member or go to a meeting. I really do. His problem is real. It's going to take him down.
**Ahem, all of those examples up there were references to what my exes did to me, my SO is not grieving and I'm not sleeping with a drummer.
Trailmix, the hardest thing is knowing I might have to do what my exes felt they had to do. However, I won't leave someone without announcement two months after their father dies while they are in early recovery to deal with the grief (yes he deserted me when I was newly sober he just never came back one day he even told the landlord I had agreed to take on the lease so they wouldn't believe me, I was about to start school and had no money and a big expensive new york rent all on me). And I won't take my greencard and go sleeping with the drummer of my band while my SO suffers through yet another attempt at early recovery and has just gone no contact with her entire abusive family (yep! Husband number 2). Frankly, my exes were cowards and cruel. I am not like them. I would not run off. Not like that. If they felt they had to get away from me, fine but they thwarted my wellbeing and added so much more pain and hurt. It hurts so much to think of hurting him while he is already down. I guess that's what I'm saying.
TomSteve, actually the ones that didn't walk away are still my friends today. There's a lot of them. I was actually very reclusive in my dark times and no one went down with me. Not being defensive, just answering your question. I unfortunately did (yes REALLY) fight my battles alone. I didn't want to drag anyone down. It almost killed me.
Unfortunately my SO is not open to outside help. He knows he needs to stop someday. He is "not ready." We all know how that goes. I wish he would open up to a therapist or a family member or go to a meeting. I really do. His problem is real. It's going to take him down.
**Ahem, all of those examples up there were references to what my exes did to me, my SO is not grieving and I'm not sleeping with a drummer.
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Originally Posted by tomsteve 
now onto another question:
why dont you want "to let this one go?"
why dont you want "to let this one go?"
And, to preemptively answer the next question, I love being alone. TOO MUCH. Trying to partner up after what I’ve been through is real tough. I’m a proud independent lady and I worked hard for that. I want to be in a relationship with this flawed crazy wonderful dummy
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Originally Posted by Plenny
I do appreciate your prompts though TomSteve I ain’t mad. I would like to be thorough about what point in the process I’m at
this all being the case, i think there is going to have to be a lot of acceptance on your part- youre going to have to accept him warts and all. gonna have to accept he doesnt want help, has made alcohol his first love, and it WILL get worse.
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Well, you don't HAVE to let him go. You enjoy living alone anyway, and just because he wants to move in together doesn't mean you have to. If you can accept that this is as far as this relationship is ever likely to go, and you are likely to have to watch his demise then that's still an option. Not one I'd choose for myself, but maybe for you that Would be preferable to letting him go altogether.
Is it possible to just stay living alone and see him when you see him?
Of course, if you decide to stay with him you'd need very safe and strong boundaries, and prepare yourself for his problem to get worse, and possibly never get better.
BB
Is it possible to just stay living alone and see him when you see him?
Of course, if you decide to stay with him you'd need very safe and strong boundaries, and prepare yourself for his problem to get worse, and possibly never get better.
BB
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Originally Posted by Berrybean
Well, you don't HAVE to let him go. You enjoy living alone anyway, and just because he wants to move in together doesn't mean you have to. If you can accept that this is as far as this relationship is ever likely to go, and you are likely to have to watch his demise then that's still an option. Not one I'd choose for myself, but maybe for you that Would be preferable to letting him go altogether.
Is it possible to just stay living alone and see him when you see him?
Of course, if you decide to stay with him you'd need very safe and strong boundaries, and prepare yourself for his problem to get worse, and possibly never get better.
BB
Is it possible to just stay living alone and see him when you see him?
Of course, if you decide to stay with him you'd need very safe and strong boundaries, and prepare yourself for his problem to get worse, and possibly never get better.
BB
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
its all good.
this all being the case, i think there is going to have to be a lot of acceptance on your part- youre going to have to accept him warts and all. gonna have to accept he doesnt want help, has made alcohol his first love, and it WILL get worse.
this all being the case, i think there is going to have to be a lot of acceptance on your part- youre going to have to accept him warts and all. gonna have to accept he doesnt want help, has made alcohol his first love, and it WILL get worse.
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P,
Hon, we all love our addicts and want them sober. But as you know sometimes they have to hit the lows of lows. You are coming on Sr for support and encouragement. Its tough to love an addict, I did it for 34 years and it nearly killed me. I did everything about 10,000 to get my addict into recovery, he just wasnt ready. I am 3.5 years post divorce and his life is miserable. He still is not ready. But my life has improved tremendously.
What he does or doesnt do, doesn't consume my life anymore. I am free to be happy and not have the joy sucked out of me every time I see him. I think you need to keep getting support as you will need it for the long haul. Keep hitting your meetings, take care of you, as thats all you can do. (((((hugs)))))
Hon, we all love our addicts and want them sober. But as you know sometimes they have to hit the lows of lows. You are coming on Sr for support and encouragement. Its tough to love an addict, I did it for 34 years and it nearly killed me. I did everything about 10,000 to get my addict into recovery, he just wasnt ready. I am 3.5 years post divorce and his life is miserable. He still is not ready. But my life has improved tremendously.
What he does or doesnt do, doesn't consume my life anymore. I am free to be happy and not have the joy sucked out of me every time I see him. I think you need to keep getting support as you will need it for the long haul. Keep hitting your meetings, take care of you, as thats all you can do. (((((hugs)))))
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Originally Posted by maia1234
P,
Hon, we all love our addicts and want them sober. But as you know sometimes they have to hit the lows of lows. You are coming on Sr for support and encouragement. Its tough to love an addict, I did it for 34 years and it nearly killed me. I did everything about 10,000 to get my addict into recovery, he just wasnt ready. I am 3.5 years post divorce and his life is miserable. He still is not ready. But my life has improved tremendously.
What he does or doesnt do, doesn't consume my life anymore. I am free to be happy and not have the joy sucked out of me every time I see him. I think you need to keep getting support as you will need it for the long haul. Keep hitting your meetings, take care of you, as thats all you can do. (((((hugs)))))
Hon, we all love our addicts and want them sober. But as you know sometimes they have to hit the lows of lows. You are coming on Sr for support and encouragement. Its tough to love an addict, I did it for 34 years and it nearly killed me. I did everything about 10,000 to get my addict into recovery, he just wasnt ready. I am 3.5 years post divorce and his life is miserable. He still is not ready. But my life has improved tremendously.
What he does or doesnt do, doesn't consume my life anymore. I am free to be happy and not have the joy sucked out of me every time I see him. I think you need to keep getting support as you will need it for the long haul. Keep hitting your meetings, take care of you, as thats all you can do. (((((hugs)))))
I’m not sure if my original post made it clear that I know that I can’t stay in this relationship if life continues to be this way or if he doesn’t show some shine towards change. I’m an addict as well who is working hard to improve my life. If he doesn’t join me I am aware that the mechanics of this relationship simply will not work. This is why I posted here. That observing, detaching, decision making process is arduous and I do not want to do it. Because I love him deeply and I have been through so much I need to enjoy my life. Which is also why I have to examine. Because I want to enjoy my life! Anyway I’m here because it simply sucks to think about having no choice but to tear away from a toxic relationship with an addict you love. I’ve already lost my mother (another very insanely difficult goodbye) because she did not want recovery. I just wish it wasn’t this way. The pain is too great. Believe me when I say I understand what is going on here.
Well, I have to go now because the devil himself is here, claiming that he’s quit drinking. By the way I have never told him what to do or commanded or threatened to leave if he didn’t quit. Not yet. I know the importance of the individual choice. Anyway we’ve been here before. But at least maybe we can have a couple more precious months together. At most, maybe he will get help this time and we can recover together. In any case it is my last go around and it’s just a huge bummer.
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That observing, detaching, decision making process is arduous and I do not want to do it.
You can't help but observe, you can't help but see what is missing, the lack of self-examination on the part of the alcoholic. Without alcohol you are going to need more emotionally (probably, I'm not an alcoholic so I'm guessing here).
That won't be arriving unless he is in recovery too.
That detaching will happen as you find yourself getting hurt (over and over again).
Well, the house isn't on fire so no need to flee! You will take your time as you see fit.
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Thanks so much. I’m going to keep in mind what you said about it happening naturally. So far even though we’ve had a lot of ups and downs I haven’t felt that feeling in my gut to flee... So that will help in the event that that does happen. I’m very familiar with survival mode.
And if it happens, I’ve laid the groundwork in this thread with all the info.... because I’m going to need all of your life experience and advice. Because if I choose to go I know it’ll be too tempting for me to go back.
And if it happens, I’ve laid the groundwork in this thread with all the info.... because I’m going to need all of your life experience and advice. Because if I choose to go I know it’ll be too tempting for me to go back.
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Update: my SO has been detoxing at my house for the past 2 days. He came over shortly after my posting, told me he’s done drinking. He ate a lot of food, drank lots of water. He woke up this morning talking about going back to school for his masters. I’m happy but trying not to be too happy. Sometimes I hate hope.
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Plenny…...I wish that people only knew that if they go into inpatient detox for (usually) a few days....(This is NOT rehab)…..they can avoid all of the physical and mental discomfort ,,,and the dangers....of the detoxing period.
I think that out of ignorance and stubbornness, many refuse to go....
I also, think that m any people confuse detoxification with rehabilitation...and call the whole thing "rehab"...…
Detoxification is done under the guidance of medical staff....who watch, closely, over the patient, and give medications according to the patient's need.
This eliminates the discomfort, shakes, and anxiety that goes along with the first few days of sobriety....
There is no need for a person to suffer! I have, personally detoxed a few hundred alcoholics....and, for the most part, only a minority had to go on to intensive care....Those were the ones who were I n the worst shape, for one reason or another...…
I think that a lot of people start to detox, on their own, and relapse, right away, because of the discomfort (and danger) of trying to go cold turkey "on their own"...…
Detoxing on one's own...cold turkey...can be very dangerous....anything from Delerium Tremens to withdrawl seizures, to cardiovascular complications form sky-high blood pressure and pulse rates.....etc. can happen.....
If he is really serious...I suggest that he call his doctor and ask to go to a hospital to be detoxed....or, just go to an emergency room and ask to be admitted for detoxification..(if that hospital has a detox unit)…….
(one can call the local hospitals and ask if they have an alcoholism detoxification unit)…...a doctor would also know.....
I think that out of ignorance and stubbornness, many refuse to go....
I also, think that m any people confuse detoxification with rehabilitation...and call the whole thing "rehab"...…
Detoxification is done under the guidance of medical staff....who watch, closely, over the patient, and give medications according to the patient's need.
This eliminates the discomfort, shakes, and anxiety that goes along with the first few days of sobriety....
There is no need for a person to suffer! I have, personally detoxed a few hundred alcoholics....and, for the most part, only a minority had to go on to intensive care....Those were the ones who were I n the worst shape, for one reason or another...…
I think that a lot of people start to detox, on their own, and relapse, right away, because of the discomfort (and danger) of trying to go cold turkey "on their own"...…
Detoxing on one's own...cold turkey...can be very dangerous....anything from Delerium Tremens to withdrawl seizures, to cardiovascular complications form sky-high blood pressure and pulse rates.....etc. can happen.....
If he is really serious...I suggest that he call his doctor and ask to go to a hospital to be detoxed....or, just go to an emergency room and ask to be admitted for detoxification..(if that hospital has a detox unit)…….
(one can call the local hospitals and ask if they have an alcoholism detoxification unit)…...a doctor would also know.....
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