Am I wrong to not help?

Old 07-22-2018, 10:34 AM
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Am I wrong to not help?

Hey everyone.
I posted last fall about my emotionally abusive ex boyfriend leaving me, and it was very hard on me. Even though his emotional and verbal abuse was so hard to live with.

I’m sure this is more common than not, but he called me in March and wanted to get back together. I reluctantly agreed, but even now — in July. I’m just not in love with him as I should be, or would want to be. He’s the same nasty, hurtful, degrading person. He doesn’t understand why I’m not head over heels as I’ve been in the past. He’s upset and hurt I won’t let him move in with me. Yet, he’s so nasty. I mean just very nasty and he can’t see that as why I’m not just bouncing off the walls at the chance of him moving in.

My question..... please advise if I’m being unfair.

I have been there for him (24-7) through two unsuccessful attempts at becoming sober. What I mean by being there is, he uses my home and me as the Nurse, as a recovery center. He wants me helping him through Detox and all that goes with it. The first time, I took 2 weeks off from work. I was by his side literally 24-7. The second time I used my vacation time to be by his side.

Both times were scary for me. I’m not trained or anything close to it ... everything that happened I had to use google to find an answer for. I have very little medical background. Zero really. His blood pressure would go to the point of dangerous red zone levels like 200/150 or sometimes 50/50. I mean it was crazy scary and I wanted to call life squad more than once but he would never let me. He would just want me to watch him. I’d have panic attacks that I’d find him in a coma in my bed. I’m not joking, it was scary.

Well, now he’s trying again for a third time with me. I’m not sure how many times he’s tried without me in the picture. And, I told him straight up after last time. I’m not going to help again like I’ve done in the past. I just can’t. I will support you
in seeking professional help, but I just can’t do it myself. It causes me too much anxiety and panic. I have generalized anxiety and depression that I am treated for and each time, it set me back in my own health, due to the stress.

So, he’s at home doing this alone. It hurts me terribly and I so want to be there, but I know he’s not going to stick with it. He’s already admitted he won’t, he’s only doing it, so he can drink less later and be satisfied with less. I know he’s doing this only bc he’s starting a new job and he’s not sure yet how these people will be. Once he knows the people and schedule he will be back to drinking. His last job he got away with drinking on breaks. He starts drinking at 8-9am everyday. He’s drunk by the time he gets home from work.

Regardless... I won’t help. I’m catching a lot of grief for this. He’s constantly texting and telling me Thanks for helping or being there for me. I’m doing this for us and you can’t help me, etc etc etc.

Am I wrong?
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Old 07-22-2018, 10:52 AM
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you are NOT wrong. not one bit.
when you have been there, HE still did not stay sober.
when you have been there, he has not treated you well.
when you have been there, he left you.

your home is your palace, your special safe place. NOT a detox center. NOT a rehab facility. he's still using and abusing your good nature.

it's ok to let him go, again, for reals.
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Old 07-22-2018, 10:54 AM
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IMO, my friend, the only person you are being unfair to is you, by staying in this abusive relationship.
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Old 07-22-2018, 11:27 AM
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You are caring, sensitive and thoughtful. You definitely deserve better. It took me years to make a decision to move on and years I’ve lost forever.
Move on now.
Move on.
Move.
Heal and take time to find out what you truly want for you. Big hugs.
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Old 07-22-2018, 12:02 PM
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Hi, Lost.
It sounds awful, and I am very, very sorry that you are experiencing this soul deadening situation.
Saying this as gently as I can. It is meant with kindness:
Youare being used and abused, my friend.
You are not his nurse, your home is not his detox center.
You are not his verbal punching bag.
Stand your ground. No moving in, no nursing through yet another detox, no listening to his abuse.
Turn off your phone.
Honestly, why would you stay? There is no upside here.
Good luck and good thoughts.
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Old 07-22-2018, 12:22 PM
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I don't know you but I'm sure you deserve a much, much better relationship. Leave. He will either drink or not drink but there's nothing you can say or do that will change that. A big hug.
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Old 07-22-2018, 12:58 PM
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Thank you!

Thank you for letting me know my decision was not one that is wrong, selfish or unfair - because these are all the things he is wanting me to feel, and the only thing I feel maybe a little guilty for in all honesty is “not feeling guilty”, if that makes sense.

I mean yes, I’m concerned for his well being and his child’s. But, I can’t keep sticking my neck out to help when it’s all been and always will be taken for granted, and never appreciated!! In fact, I’m usually told later how anything that goes wrong is my fault. Only.

I truly am starting to believe, I am nothing more than a free place to live (bc he’s already informed me, that he will not pay to live here), a babysitter and taxi cab to his younger child and more importantly a excellent school district for his child. All of which he can’t and won’t do alone.

I’m a single mom too - working hard everyday to provide for my son so that we can live in a wonderful home and good school system. While he lives in his moms basement looking for the next woman to
provide for him and his child.

Sorry, I’m just venting now. I’m fully aware our relationship is awful, but no matter what I say, do, explain, force, etc — he will not understand that he is the one ruining it. He fully honestly believes it is me. I’ve gotten to the point of not caring much anymore. I know he can sense this, and I think it’s why he’s gotten worse bc he can see his narcissism isn’t working as it has in the past.

Thank you again for listening. Thank you for letting me know I’m not wrong. Now I just need to gain the power to shut his phone off bc I’ve been paying it since May and never seen a penny. And remove him once and for all. I just have anxiety and I’m afraid Ill get depressed or lonely again.
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Old 07-22-2018, 01:03 PM
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I’m catching a lot of grief for this. He’s constantly texting and telling me Thanks for helping or being there for me. I’m doing this for us and you can’t help me, etc etc etc.

Catching grief from the one person who cannot see what a dangerous and unfair position he is expecting you to assume? To benefit whom? Him! Not both of you! Only him. Let him dole out all the grief he wants! This is NOT your problem. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it.

Detoxing is medically dangerous, just like when a person threatens suicide, it is bigger than us, it needs professional oversight and attention. I am an ER nurse and I refused when my brother asked me to supervise his home detox. No way, no thank you. That was years ago. That brother is still drinking after multiple detoxes....

So it is always OK to say no. No is a complete sentence. Especially when you have evidence from your own experience that this is NOT something that's good for YOU to oversee! Trust yourself. Alcoholics use anything to manipulate their loved ones into doing what their addiction wants them to do. That's just what alcoholics do. If he ends up in an ER because of detox they have resources there and maybe they can actually help him since they are professionals. But only when he wants it, and that is out of your hands entirely.

Glad you found this site - we have all been through the wringer in various ways with our alcoholic loved ones, I remember well being blinded by that haze....by focusing on myself and my good health and my problems, dreams, and goals that haze lifted!

Peace,
B.
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Old 07-22-2018, 01:21 PM
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You're not wrong at all. I hope you will block him and turn off his phone. You are not his bank. He needs to take care of himself. He sounds like quite a burden.
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Old 07-22-2018, 01:41 PM
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Lost...….It is not wrong to not help.
After reading your back history....the only healthy thing you can do in this situation is to cut off contact with him.....
He is very damaging to you.

I suggest that you get in touch with your therapists and lean on them for extra support, at this time.....
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Old 07-22-2018, 02:15 PM
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Hon, you do not have to convince him that he is the one ruining the relationship so much as you have to convince yourself that neither you nor your son needs this relationship in your life at all.
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Old 07-22-2018, 02:18 PM
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I’m fully aware our relationship is awful, but no matter what I say, do, explain, force, etc — he will not understand that he is the one ruining it. He fully honestly believes it is me. I’ve gotten to the point of not caring much anymore. I know he can sense this, and I think it’s why he’s gotten worse bc he can see his narcissism isn’t working as it has in the past.

it doesn't matter if he NEVER "gets it" - it is only important that YOU do. and you make the changes you need. he may be "ruining" it but you are also allowing him to take advantage, not pay rent, and on and on. and you can put an end to it at any time.

i am sorry there are small children involved. i hope there are other extended family members. but and i do not mean to sound heartless, they are not your responsibility. if he is living with you, get him out. for good this time. stop being a resource.
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Old 07-22-2018, 02:52 PM
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Going to speculate a bit here. My opinion only.
He may be doubling down on being Mr. Nasty because he has been down this road with women before, and is sensing that you don’t play anymore.
My addict sib had a series of relationships with women, post divorce.
They were usually a bit older than him, let him move in with them very quickly, and supported him until they got tired of his bumming around and not contributing.
That is how my mom, unlucky person that she is, got him living in her house.
Did I mention that if there was a moocher of the year definition in the dictionary, there would be a picture of my bro?
Yah, time to throw this one back. He isn’t worth it.
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Old 07-22-2018, 04:47 PM
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You are 100 percent, without a doubt, not wrong.

He wants to detox with you in attendance so he can cut down and get the lay of the land at his new job and then he intends to work it back in to his schedule. In what sane universe does that make any sense and why on earth would you be involved in that?

Your thinking is right, his is the thinking of an alcoholic.

No need to feel guilty about not feeling guilty. You are doing the right thing for yourself (and in fact for him too - whether he knows that or not is not your problem).

He sounds like a taker, pure and simple, he needs you when he needs you and treats you badly. I'm so glad you didn't let him move in! Good call there.
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Old 07-22-2018, 05:24 PM
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You are not wrong by refusing to let him continue to use you!
Your responsibility is to you and your son; he is a grown a$$ adult; with children no less that HE is responsible for; you are not responsible for HIS children... I know that sounds harsh because we ate talking about children but they truly are not your responsibility. And you certainly do not owe him anything.
Cut your losses, get his phone shut off, or at least out of your name and hand the responsibility for his life back where it belongs: to him.
Good luck to you and I am so sorry you are dealing with this!
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Old 07-22-2018, 09:19 PM
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And, apros of not much, he sounds really skinty and cheap.
I can’t abide that in people. Makes me crazy.
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Old 07-22-2018, 09:30 PM
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You are absolutely not wrong to not help him with detox again. You also do not deserve to be treated the way he is treating you, he has shown you that he is still treating you poorly since you have gotten back together, you deserve better.
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Old 07-23-2018, 02:02 AM
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He's a shocker, Lost. Just takes and never gives back. Don't spend another cent on him or give him another thought.
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Old 07-23-2018, 04:29 AM
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Am I wrong to not help?

consequences- not just for the codie.
let him face the consequences or keep diggin his grave.
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Old 07-23-2018, 06:49 AM
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No, you are not wrong. He is using this situation to manipulate you. There are medical professionals to help him through this, that's his choice.

I would block him and go no contact. Big hugs.
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