trailmix

Let's say he has really been sober since March. That's 3 months. That's a drop in the sobriety bucket. Sobriety is a life-long deal. Maybe with help he will achieve that, maybe not.

As for the texting as SparkleKitty mentioned, please try not to take it personally, he is an addict. Normal relationship behavior does not apply here.

Normally, you have an argument or misunderstanding with your SO, you two sit down or have a talk and sort it out and that's that. Not so with an addict, he has his own agenda here.

Addiction is very self-centered. If they aren't drinking they are looking and wondering where the next drink will come from, the relationship is secondary, all relationships are secondary. If you have read around SR you know that men and women leave their wives/husbands and children to seek alcohol or drugs. Those are not the actions of someone who is mentally in a "normal relationship" place.

All i'm saying I guess is please don't expect normal reactions from someone who is where your friend is - not for him, for you.

Glenjo99

Ok that's fair enough not to expect normal reactions from someone who is where he is. I get it. As for all relationships being secondary I guess that's true and even he is probably learning that now. I'm trying not to take it personally and move on, but it's so hard. Being able to vent in here is helpful

Bernadette

I'm struggling to understand how he would not want his best friend involved and messaging others.

Because he is an alcoholic/addict and that' s what they do. Usually they have to cut off people who they can no longer "fool." But I wouldn't spend another minute trying to figure him out. His behavior as you have read here is quite typical, who his true self is, why he does what he does, none of it matters - he canot even answer those questions until he's had a long time of sobriety and recovery (like, years!).

But you can answer those questions for yourself, what are your pressing problems that you can work on and that you can change? Are you happy with how well you know yourself and your own motivations? Focusing on my own problems made me realize how much energy and time I was wasting on tryng to fix others, in fact I had to assume that fixing others was like my drug, because it kept me from facing realities in my own life.

Glad you're here! You can't shock anyone on SR, we've seen it all, so do know that you are not ever alone.
Peace,
B.

Glenjo99

Thanks Bernadette

That makes sense that he would cut out people who he can't fool, but hopefully it's not long term as if it is, he will have lost a great friend. As for that need to fix, yes I'm sure that is something big in me, I need to look at more. Apart from that, his personality is so charismatic that I will miss it if he doesn't return but I'm sure I will learn to let him go in time if that's what he wants/needs.

tomsteve

I'm trying not to take it personally and move on, but it's so hard.
moving on is difficult. i dont think any of us have been able to do that overnight. it takes time and can be a serious emotional roller coaster.
taking it personally- eventually youll "get it" that his actions arent caused by anything you have done.

something trailmix mentioned:
Not so with an addict, he has his own agenda here.
BIG TIME!!
something completely insane for me- there were times i had sat down and discussed things with my ex. agreed on a lot. one HUGE problem:
i heard what i wanted to hear and not what was said.

Glenjo99

Emotional rollercoaster is an understatement! I feel like my brain has been hijacked this last few weeks. I think I could cope with it all, even knowing his actions were caused by the addiction, if he could just drop me a message to say hey! But maybe as Bernadette has said earlier, he can't fool me now, or can't deal with what he did to me, so it's easier ignore me. What a HUGE shame if that's the case, to throw away a lovely friendship.

trailmix

Perhaps the question you should be asking yourself is what do you want and need?

I'm sure you see the correlation here. You know you have a need to "fix" but you brush it aside pretty quickly in looking at what he wants/needs.

Glenjo99

Yes, well I think it's clear I want to hear from him and re establish our friendship, but it's not happening at the moment! My wants and needs aren't being met by him because he is in rehab where he should be.

trailmix

I don't know if anyone else has already linked this but there is a lot of knowledge at SR, these threads (found in the stickies area at the top of the forum) are a good place to start:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

Glenjo99

[QUOTE=trailmix;6947115]I don't know if anyone else has already linked this but there is a lot of knowledge at SR, these threads (found in the stickies area at the top of the forum) are a good place to start:


Thanks I'll have a read

tomsteve

I think I could cope with it all, even knowing his actions were caused by the addiction,
welp, even if he is clean his actions could be caused by addiction.
with alcoholism i call it a dry drunk- acting and thinking like i did when i was drinkin but not drinkin.

a person with untreated alcoholism/addiction can display actions/words of those when using.

tomsteve

and what are those wants and needs?

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholics both active and early recovery have very poor relationship skills. You really don't know if he's drinking or not but you do know he wants to cut ties. So believe him and let him go.

Glenjo99

He's not drinking, he is in rehab as his mum has filled me in on his progress. As I said earlier, he hasn't blocked me on Whatsapp messenger which he would do, but hasn't contacted me either, so can see he's online.

Glenjo99

My wants as I said earlier to hear an explanation or an apology for that whole experience in June or at least his thoughts on it, and to re establish our friendship!

PeacefulWater12

Sorry but speaking as a recovering A you are not likely to get an explanation as us alkies tend to just do things and we don't know why, we are lead by our addiction, Alcohol is our boss.

Sorry you have this situation in your life.

Glenjo99

Thank you. I'm getting that impression,that I can forget about the explanation. I'm guessing as someone explained earlier that he feels the need to cut me off now as he can't fool me anymore. God I feel like such an idiot, I just can't believe that our friendship wasn't real though, can't seriously fake that amount of connection.

AnvilheadII

i suggest you ditch the WhatsApp app.....checking to see when and if he is online will just drive you crazy. if he wanted to contact you, HE WOULD. he is not. regardless of what you WANT, it is what it is.

you were forced to go cold turkey on contact. just like the addict. it isn't fun, is it?

Glenjo99

Yeh I didn't check it tonight and will eventually just delete his number but not yet. No none of this is in anyway funny.

Glenjo99

Sad thing is you can get the best advice in the world from lots of lovely people, but at the end of the day all you want is to text your mate and say I miss you, I care about you, and I support you. For today I'll resist.