Michsm

Hello!

I have recently discovered this Forum because I am going through a divorce and have finally admitted I married a Functioning AH. He goes to work daily and has a good job. However, the minute he gets home on Friday which is usually around 2pm, he has a drink in his hand until he passes out. Saturdays, he starts around noon. Sundays are his recovering days so God forbid he moves from the couch. We have no life because he wants to sit at home and drink. I cringe every time I hear a can open because it is one after another. I have a good job and can provide just fine for myself. We have no kids together but he does have 2 teenagers who do not want to see him. He blames their mother for that but I can see why they dont want to see him. When they did come over, he was always drinking/drunk and he never spent any quality time with them and stopped going to their activities. I cared for them when they did come over. I just dont understand why I didnt leave earlier or see the red flags before we got married. He spends all his money on a game of war or something like that on the internet. When he is drinking, you don't know if you are going to get angry or nice. I moved out 30 days ago, he was avoiding service but we finally got him served so hopefully we can get this divorce over with soon. I will tell you I am at peace. The funny thing is, nothing has changed with him...I usually get nice texts until about 4pm then I get the angry texts calling me every name in the book. Looking back, I was probably co dependant. While this has been a rough road, I am at peace. I do feel bad for him for wasting his life away and for his children dealing with this because they have their own set of issues but I dont think he will ever get help or do anything about it.

I dont know much about alcoholism and when people say it is progressive, you will start drinking daily or more and lose your job, etc...or can you remain functioning your whole life?

FeelingGreat

Hi Michism, it sounds like you dodged a bullet, especially as you don't have children with him. They are a great blessing, but make it hard to have a clean break.
No-one can tell the future for your AH, but as a generalisation once you're addicted to alcohol you establish a tolerance where it takes more and more to give you the same effect. Non-As don't need to increase their intake because they're not addicted to how it feels.
As a recovered A, I had a real dependency to 'relaxing' after work. I craved a drink, and gradually ramped up what I could tolerate, which was way above the safe level. Thank goodness I was able to stop before it got more destructive.
Your A may continue indefinitely at the same level but it was a level that took him away from you and your marriage, and he either wasn't capable or willing to do anything. This is one of the definitions of alcoholism.

dandylion

Mich.....if you would like to learn more...you have come to the right place...lol....
There is sooo much to learn. Knowledge is power.

We have an extensive library of excellent articles about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. More than 100. Enough for you to read and digest one every single day.....
I am giving you the following link to them.....(they are also in the stickies...above the list of threads)…..

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

If you would like to know about how alcoholism affects the alcoholics brain.....you might appreciate reading "The Alcoholic Brain. by Michael Kuhar…...you can get it on amazon.com for a reduced price, if you get a used one.....
It contains the latest research....

Raindrops

I was married to a highly functioning alcoholic. It was the same weekend binge drinking thing. I got lonely and bored after 3 years. We had no life. He would want to drink every Friday night, all of Saturday and then recover on Sunday. It is progressive. He probably has not even told you about all the times he was hiding and buying alcohol. My husband would stop on the way from work
And have a shot before coming home. His disease progressed to hiding bottles all around the house when I objected to his drinking. He's now dating someone who will be his enabler. That is what he had thought he had found in me too until I stood up to it. I am still processing my feelings and grieving but I know somewhere in my heart that all I could do was say a prayer for him and save myself.

Michsm

@Raindrops that takes a lot of courage to leave, I thought about if for years and finally did and actually I have hard days, I am really glad I got out of there. @Feelinggreat, that makes sense about building up his tolerance. He actually started drinking IPA's from his kegarator (yes, we finished our basement and put in a bar with a kegarator....I defiantly was enabling) which have more alcohol content than his Busch Lights...he goes through a keg by himself about every 2-3 weeks and that is just weekend drinking (or at least I think) .

Thanks for the support, glad I found this forum!

BoxinRotz

I left for the last time on June 2nd. I have dealt with the I love you's to the mean n nasty text n you're making the biggest mistake of your life!

Stand firm. We're going to go somewhere in life without an alcoholic keeping us as their enabler. I know my AH is frantic right now because I'm not enabling him anymore.

Ladybird579

I dont know much about alcoholism and when people say it is progressive, you will start drinking daily or more and lose your job, etc...or can you remain functioning your whole life?

My exah was already at the losing his job stage when I met him 25 years ago now. He lied to me and said he'd had a medical discharge cos he had fallen into a ship's hold and hurt his back. He neglected to tell me he was drunk at work at the time and got fired. After that he worked for exactly 2 weeks at two different jobs and both times he came home and said there was no more work.

Drink wise I have no idea now what he drank. I *thought* he only drank beer for years but his health issues were so bad I think he secretly drank spirits too. I've no sense of smell so was easy to fool.

Even when "just drinking beer" he was a misery. Life revolved around him drinking and he could never drive our car cos he had a drink or wanted one. It sat on the drive for 18 months and I got rid of it in the end cos I can't drink on medical grounds.

By the time we divorced he was openly drinking bottles of JD and Southern Comfort out of a pint glass even tho he had been so ill he had to have cpr twice in one weekend and emergency surgery due to his drinking. That was my final straw and as soon as he was well enough to take care of himself we split up. That took a further 4 months.

Michsm

Yep, same thing here. Mine too, yesterday's last text was "I am too dense"

teatreeoil007

In a sense, you are ahead of the game because you can provide for yourself and you don't have kids with him. Good going. Like will be much better not being married to an alcoholic.

velma929

My husband had begun drinking a lot when the company he worked for was sold. He decided to stay to the very end, refusing to look for a job in the meantime. I think he was counting on drinking a lot during unemployment, which he did. He was about 40 years old at that point. The President extended the amount of time people could collect around that time, too. I think he was unemployed over a year.

His next job lasted 13 years, but arriving late, leaving early, and many smoke breaks resulted in his colleagues remarking it was hard to contact him for questions. He was finally let go.

His next position was in retail and lasted maybe two years. he never did tell me why he was let go. It could have been attendance, again. He was taking almost any lame excuse to call in sick.

he worked as a maintenance person for maybe a year at a private school. Again, I don't know why he was let go.

I suspect something really odd happened at the last two jobs. He died not long after. Colleagues at Job #2 were at the memorial service, but no coworkers from the last two jobs were there. In addition to drinking, he'd developed a taste for weird porn, and I think he was caught accessing it at work.

Dad, on the other hand, stayed employed until he retired.His drinking got out of hand in his later years, and he had an OUI / vehicular manslaughter at the age of 76.

hearthealth

My H slowly increased the amount that he drank. He always maintained employment but I question how good he was at his job when he was there as the drinking increased. There is a good old boy mentality in the trades. He also had health issues that I believe is from his drinking that effects his quality of life. He has had to take more days of work off recently due to medical issues. Just because he is able to function in one aspect of life does not make him a functional person.

mamabear26

Welcome Michism! My ex also has maintained a job and has moved up to a manager position in the last few years. However, he does drink daily anywhere from 6-12 beers during the week and 12-18 on weekends. He usually masks the hangovers the next day with an energy drink in the morning and pops in a Halls to cover his breath. If they were to test him at work Im sure he would have alcohol in his system. Im glad you have realized what the situation is with your husband. I have learned so much from joining this forum about alcoholism. I hope you continue reading the books and articles recommended. Stay strong and big hugs!