Divorce it is!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Thanks guys - the weekend went well overall. It was much-needed & I feel like I got everything out of it that I could for the when/why/how of it all. I found some amazing new places to eat & relax. Seriously, seriously considering finding a way to do another weekend in the later summer..... I think I could have stayed 6 weeks & almost been ready to come home.
We had another big dramatic incident just before the weekend so I ended up taking a mental heath day unexpectedly to have a mini-breakdown. It triggered suddenly as I was driving DD to school so I wished her well, drove straight home & called my boss to let her know my reality & proceeded to melt. I didn't even trust myself to drive & had a fierce, primal instinct to defend my home territory by literally standing my ground all day. I had zero energy left to decipher or decode the events - complete absence of logic or reason. Too exhausted, too depleted & more than a little too ready to start my own fires vs. dealing with the flames of other's mistakes & choices. I felt like I'd been shot with 100 bullets & continued getting kicked around while I was on the ground bleeding out. Road Kill.
I spent almost that entire day sitting on my yoga mat on my back deck watching the weather patterns roll across the backyard, literally hanging onto my phone like a life line, 2 days ahead of my scheduled respite. It was EXACTLY like this post I shared a while back:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...iscomfort.html (Standing Still - learning to sit with discomfort)
I rotated through phone calls between 3 friends - a mass effort where they stopped their worlds & held their own needs to make sure I was not "alone" for a moment until I was ready & to just hold space for me to be scared & weepy & inarticulate. Gratitude is far too small of a word for their friendship & empathy.
I needed a breakdown & was happy to be able to let stuff go but I've never, ever been so overwhelmingly lost & terrified & devalued & Victimized feeling as I was in those moments. I've never even USED the "V" word in relation to myself before that day. I've never been at SUCH a zero-point of no map, no ideas, very tiny amounts of control, no timeline of how long it could go on. No air. No idea of even the next baby step.
I was scared to death to get up off that mat because I had no idea what to do next, terrified to be alone with the ghosts & gremlins & voices inside my head. But staying on the mat was also suffocating & anxious & I struggled to just regulate my breathing. Afraid I'd react emotionally & create more problems for myself out of haste or spite. Starting to reallllllly think that maybe, just maybe, I AM the A-hole in this whole equation because, after all, when I look around at all the brokenness around me, it's easy to see myself as the common denominator.
At some point when you're under constant attack & stress from the same people in significantly close relationships, you have to examine your own behavior if you have any real sense of self-examination or expectation of growth.
Having that out of the way helped me jump into the weekend & also gave me the time to move some stuff around/out of the house for my own peace of mind. The first 2 days were pretty laid back, a rotation of early morning walks in the hazy building heat, afternoon meditation sessions & pool/spa time, naps, beach walks during the day & night, sunsets on the water, dancing like a fool inside the bar with great music, then stretching out lazily to do yoga on the beach afterward. I had fun, socialized a lot & worked through the emotional swings - up & happy & detached & then back to sad, uncertain, melancholy.
The 2nd wave of breakdown hit halfway through & once those floodgates opened, holy hell, I just wept uncontrollably, unprompted, unstoppably.....for about 7 hours. I let myself wallow, honoring the emotions instead of trying to suppress it all. I cried my way through an entire pint of Phish Food ice cream, sitting on my balcony looking over the empty pool.
And then my HP started sending positive signs - enough girl, reality is coming fast enough, stop & enjoy Now for just a minute, while you can. I know you feel empty & sad & like happiness is non-existent at this moment but look at this (child) and that (joy) and hear this (laughter) and...... bing! here's a text from a friend insisting you join them tonight.
(aka the Last Thing I Felt Like Doing at that moment because I'd also gotten into it with my "friend" if anyone remembers him as an actor on this stage, lol. 6 months of actively avoiding one another & he picks this weekend to start up some head games. Guess what? Today is not the day & I am NOT the One. After 2 nights of that I really just wanted to fade into the background because no matter how minor our interactions ever are (they are always subtle & quiet & literal moments, not even minutes because my husband has friends/spies everywhere in these places) the heat between us is stupidly obvious & it draws attention anyway. Last place I wanted to be was front row ~again~ knowing that all around me people are passing judgments & fabricating stories out of their assumptions. I have no interest in spending one more night with strangers staring at me wondering/asking if I'm "with him" while his friends smirk & send me curious looks or draw attention to me & my table by doing things like announcing my arrival to the entire bar. We were really settled into a fun groove for many months & now - ugh. Damn. It.)
So off I walked to the 7-11 for visine & more tissues before making myself more presentable. I sat on the beach & watched the sun set fully while people gasped & sat stunned & I reminded myself how I can do this EVERY DAY if I choose, until I feel better. How lucky I am to live so close to such natural beauty that some of these people may only ever see once or twice in their lifetimes. This beach has most surely become my Sanctuary.
When we arrived late in the night, the friend "S" that had texted me was waiting outside to walk in with us. She has only been a social, fun friend & we only talk about & around our nights out. We are polar opposites as people - she's a big, black woman of few words from the wrong side of town who speaks primarily ghetto & I am a tiny, redheaded fireball who is hiding in these places, letting her alter-ego out to play in controlled environments away from my responsibilities & professional associations. We bonded when she had my back one night when I didn't even know I would NEED such a thing - I never noticed another girl's animosity toward me ramping up & having seen me around as a regular like herself over many months, S stepped in & diffused the fight before it could ever start - sending the girl packing & creating a bond of friendship & loyalty between us.
She knows nothing of my struggles but "felt my sadness" before I ever arrived. That was the first night we spoke real at all & I still only gave her the smallest of info because I had finally stopped crying, lol, & it was after 10pm at that point already.
She very nicely informed me that I was going to suck it up, chin up, hold my head up HIGH, walk into this place like I owned it & let the Haters keep on hating because there will always be a never-ending line of them as long as I continue to be Me. She reminded me that we have only TODAY - none of our tomorrows are promises, only wishes. We have Right Now Fire, just these few hours of fun. She pointed to the curb & said, drop that baggage right there & when we get done in there, all those problems will be right there, right where you left them. You can pick them up & take them home & nothing will have changed except your outlook.
Now I know why we're friends. We really are cut from the same cloth despite every outward difference. I needed that pep talk & her tight grip holding me to that front row table (I tried to hide, she wouldn't have it). If "they" were left wondering the night before they were burning up with curiosity by the time I left *that* night. I turned that discomfort around on my "friend" & let him have it all back - it's his anyway. I didn't ask for ANY of this & I refuse to be intimidated into changing my routines or lifestyle. I was here first even if it's his gig, when it comes right down to it, lol. He's not taking my sanctuary. I proved a lot to myself by showing my face that night & I was glad I did it but it was a temporary respite & I ended up crying all night while I slept. I woke with a saturated pillow & an emotional hangover.
Home was all good while I was away. DD had a good weekend with my husband & they managed to spend some decent quality time together. He & I really did not speak until the morning I was headed home so I was able to get some semblance of space for a while. I could tell he was on edge about the weekend, especially since things had been so explosive lately, but he also held back from asking me anything directly or trying to dig around passive-aggressively. Well, mostly.
They worked a bit on some household repairs & maintenance which was great, obviously. I came home to find a new-used car for me that he managed to barter for a small job - this has been a concern of mine, knowing that my vehicle needs some repairs I've been wanting to park it & invest in something with less ongoing maintenance instead. Prayers answered - that should be on the road in the next week or so. He also bought me tix to see a comedian that I adore in a couple of weeks - definitely a butt-kissing move but whatevs at this point. He took care of a few important financial/legal things he had hanging on him & that was a relief as well. Since I've been back we've been able to talk more civilly and I can see very clearly that he's more concerned about "us" than I am - I just refuse to live in an active warzone so I come off more forgiving than I really am. I'm also still really edgy & PTSD-ish from all the huge emotions - I get shaky, my appetite is up & down, my emotions fly all over the place.
I am now on a new deadline - DD leaves in 2 weeks & is gone for an entire month. Getting her ready to go is a lot of details & I travel with her for the first 3 days so I have my side of things to get in order too - gotta get that Mom Hat back on firmly because this is a Big Deal. Part of my big meltdown is that this nest is emptying a little too early - she's going to college at 14 & coming back to start high school. Her HS program also requires a ton of reading & homework over the summer so we need to gather all those materials immediately for her to have enough time for all of this.
In the end I've learned:
I need to find a friend who owns beachfront property who needs someone to visit it regularly over the summer months so I can volunteer to "help".
After picking up a couple of context clues in conversation once I got home, I'm almost positive that my issues with my "friend" got initiated because of activity on a social network where both he & my husband are active members. Or - where my husband has been inactive for many months until this very weekend at least.
I don't like feeling like a mouse caught between 2 greedy cats - they can have at each other at this point. And since the hatred is strong on both sides between them, I'd like a front row seat if they ever cross paths IRL again. They deserve each other.
I heard SO MANY bad pickup lines this weekend that I almost thought we were back in Spring Break mode..... and it showed me repeatedly that I am NOT excited about the idea of dating. You have GOT to be kidding me if you think I'm intrigued by you, hanging out of your car window with a BEER, slowing down to yell at me while I walk down the street in the middle of the day, among all these families at this vacation spot...... How not sexy. Grow up!
And if you are one of the girls that gives into this BS behavior by men - STOP IT. They only do stuff like this because it works enough of the time to make it worth trying. I want to slap YOU harder than THEM. Stop handing over your power. Stop drooling on yourselves because some moron with a microphone was able to string 4 words together to make a sentence. Yes sweetheart, it's part of the show. I've heard that line no less than 500 times; I've seen the man behind the curtain, I can promise you that nothing is at it appears.
I have been blessed with AMAZING friends - whether they are here for a reason, a season or a lifetime, I value these relationships highly. They are more reliable & genuine than my FOO ties.
DD has been reflecting my parenting back to me just when I need it most - she is my lighthouse, that beacon of light that keeps me on course. She is the reason all the pain is worth it - when she shows me that breaking the patterns is paying off by her happiness, her successes & her eternal optimism & then parrots my own parenting advice back to me when I need to hear it myself. Thank God I am open to hearing it.
Overall I'm at a point in my personal path where I have got to find some new Thing To Do no matter what. A hobby, a new career goal, something...... once I have DD safely tucked away for a month, my personal identity crisis is REALLY going to hit hard!!
Sorry this was so long guys. I actually cut a lot out if you can believe it!
We had another big dramatic incident just before the weekend so I ended up taking a mental heath day unexpectedly to have a mini-breakdown. It triggered suddenly as I was driving DD to school so I wished her well, drove straight home & called my boss to let her know my reality & proceeded to melt. I didn't even trust myself to drive & had a fierce, primal instinct to defend my home territory by literally standing my ground all day. I had zero energy left to decipher or decode the events - complete absence of logic or reason. Too exhausted, too depleted & more than a little too ready to start my own fires vs. dealing with the flames of other's mistakes & choices. I felt like I'd been shot with 100 bullets & continued getting kicked around while I was on the ground bleeding out. Road Kill.
I spent almost that entire day sitting on my yoga mat on my back deck watching the weather patterns roll across the backyard, literally hanging onto my phone like a life line, 2 days ahead of my scheduled respite. It was EXACTLY like this post I shared a while back:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...iscomfort.html (Standing Still - learning to sit with discomfort)
I rotated through phone calls between 3 friends - a mass effort where they stopped their worlds & held their own needs to make sure I was not "alone" for a moment until I was ready & to just hold space for me to be scared & weepy & inarticulate. Gratitude is far too small of a word for their friendship & empathy.
I needed a breakdown & was happy to be able to let stuff go but I've never, ever been so overwhelmingly lost & terrified & devalued & Victimized feeling as I was in those moments. I've never even USED the "V" word in relation to myself before that day. I've never been at SUCH a zero-point of no map, no ideas, very tiny amounts of control, no timeline of how long it could go on. No air. No idea of even the next baby step.
I was scared to death to get up off that mat because I had no idea what to do next, terrified to be alone with the ghosts & gremlins & voices inside my head. But staying on the mat was also suffocating & anxious & I struggled to just regulate my breathing. Afraid I'd react emotionally & create more problems for myself out of haste or spite. Starting to reallllllly think that maybe, just maybe, I AM the A-hole in this whole equation because, after all, when I look around at all the brokenness around me, it's easy to see myself as the common denominator.
At some point when you're under constant attack & stress from the same people in significantly close relationships, you have to examine your own behavior if you have any real sense of self-examination or expectation of growth.
Having that out of the way helped me jump into the weekend & also gave me the time to move some stuff around/out of the house for my own peace of mind. The first 2 days were pretty laid back, a rotation of early morning walks in the hazy building heat, afternoon meditation sessions & pool/spa time, naps, beach walks during the day & night, sunsets on the water, dancing like a fool inside the bar with great music, then stretching out lazily to do yoga on the beach afterward. I had fun, socialized a lot & worked through the emotional swings - up & happy & detached & then back to sad, uncertain, melancholy.
The 2nd wave of breakdown hit halfway through & once those floodgates opened, holy hell, I just wept uncontrollably, unprompted, unstoppably.....for about 7 hours. I let myself wallow, honoring the emotions instead of trying to suppress it all. I cried my way through an entire pint of Phish Food ice cream, sitting on my balcony looking over the empty pool.
And then my HP started sending positive signs - enough girl, reality is coming fast enough, stop & enjoy Now for just a minute, while you can. I know you feel empty & sad & like happiness is non-existent at this moment but look at this (child) and that (joy) and hear this (laughter) and...... bing! here's a text from a friend insisting you join them tonight.
(aka the Last Thing I Felt Like Doing at that moment because I'd also gotten into it with my "friend" if anyone remembers him as an actor on this stage, lol. 6 months of actively avoiding one another & he picks this weekend to start up some head games. Guess what? Today is not the day & I am NOT the One. After 2 nights of that I really just wanted to fade into the background because no matter how minor our interactions ever are (they are always subtle & quiet & literal moments, not even minutes because my husband has friends/spies everywhere in these places) the heat between us is stupidly obvious & it draws attention anyway. Last place I wanted to be was front row ~again~ knowing that all around me people are passing judgments & fabricating stories out of their assumptions. I have no interest in spending one more night with strangers staring at me wondering/asking if I'm "with him" while his friends smirk & send me curious looks or draw attention to me & my table by doing things like announcing my arrival to the entire bar. We were really settled into a fun groove for many months & now - ugh. Damn. It.)
So off I walked to the 7-11 for visine & more tissues before making myself more presentable. I sat on the beach & watched the sun set fully while people gasped & sat stunned & I reminded myself how I can do this EVERY DAY if I choose, until I feel better. How lucky I am to live so close to such natural beauty that some of these people may only ever see once or twice in their lifetimes. This beach has most surely become my Sanctuary.
When we arrived late in the night, the friend "S" that had texted me was waiting outside to walk in with us. She has only been a social, fun friend & we only talk about & around our nights out. We are polar opposites as people - she's a big, black woman of few words from the wrong side of town who speaks primarily ghetto & I am a tiny, redheaded fireball who is hiding in these places, letting her alter-ego out to play in controlled environments away from my responsibilities & professional associations. We bonded when she had my back one night when I didn't even know I would NEED such a thing - I never noticed another girl's animosity toward me ramping up & having seen me around as a regular like herself over many months, S stepped in & diffused the fight before it could ever start - sending the girl packing & creating a bond of friendship & loyalty between us.
She knows nothing of my struggles but "felt my sadness" before I ever arrived. That was the first night we spoke real at all & I still only gave her the smallest of info because I had finally stopped crying, lol, & it was after 10pm at that point already.
She very nicely informed me that I was going to suck it up, chin up, hold my head up HIGH, walk into this place like I owned it & let the Haters keep on hating because there will always be a never-ending line of them as long as I continue to be Me. She reminded me that we have only TODAY - none of our tomorrows are promises, only wishes. We have Right Now Fire, just these few hours of fun. She pointed to the curb & said, drop that baggage right there & when we get done in there, all those problems will be right there, right where you left them. You can pick them up & take them home & nothing will have changed except your outlook.
Now I know why we're friends. We really are cut from the same cloth despite every outward difference. I needed that pep talk & her tight grip holding me to that front row table (I tried to hide, she wouldn't have it). If "they" were left wondering the night before they were burning up with curiosity by the time I left *that* night. I turned that discomfort around on my "friend" & let him have it all back - it's his anyway. I didn't ask for ANY of this & I refuse to be intimidated into changing my routines or lifestyle. I was here first even if it's his gig, when it comes right down to it, lol. He's not taking my sanctuary. I proved a lot to myself by showing my face that night & I was glad I did it but it was a temporary respite & I ended up crying all night while I slept. I woke with a saturated pillow & an emotional hangover.
Home was all good while I was away. DD had a good weekend with my husband & they managed to spend some decent quality time together. He & I really did not speak until the morning I was headed home so I was able to get some semblance of space for a while. I could tell he was on edge about the weekend, especially since things had been so explosive lately, but he also held back from asking me anything directly or trying to dig around passive-aggressively. Well, mostly.
They worked a bit on some household repairs & maintenance which was great, obviously. I came home to find a new-used car for me that he managed to barter for a small job - this has been a concern of mine, knowing that my vehicle needs some repairs I've been wanting to park it & invest in something with less ongoing maintenance instead. Prayers answered - that should be on the road in the next week or so. He also bought me tix to see a comedian that I adore in a couple of weeks - definitely a butt-kissing move but whatevs at this point. He took care of a few important financial/legal things he had hanging on him & that was a relief as well. Since I've been back we've been able to talk more civilly and I can see very clearly that he's more concerned about "us" than I am - I just refuse to live in an active warzone so I come off more forgiving than I really am. I'm also still really edgy & PTSD-ish from all the huge emotions - I get shaky, my appetite is up & down, my emotions fly all over the place.
I am now on a new deadline - DD leaves in 2 weeks & is gone for an entire month. Getting her ready to go is a lot of details & I travel with her for the first 3 days so I have my side of things to get in order too - gotta get that Mom Hat back on firmly because this is a Big Deal. Part of my big meltdown is that this nest is emptying a little too early - she's going to college at 14 & coming back to start high school. Her HS program also requires a ton of reading & homework over the summer so we need to gather all those materials immediately for her to have enough time for all of this.
In the end I've learned:
I need to find a friend who owns beachfront property who needs someone to visit it regularly over the summer months so I can volunteer to "help".
After picking up a couple of context clues in conversation once I got home, I'm almost positive that my issues with my "friend" got initiated because of activity on a social network where both he & my husband are active members. Or - where my husband has been inactive for many months until this very weekend at least.
I don't like feeling like a mouse caught between 2 greedy cats - they can have at each other at this point. And since the hatred is strong on both sides between them, I'd like a front row seat if they ever cross paths IRL again. They deserve each other.
I heard SO MANY bad pickup lines this weekend that I almost thought we were back in Spring Break mode..... and it showed me repeatedly that I am NOT excited about the idea of dating. You have GOT to be kidding me if you think I'm intrigued by you, hanging out of your car window with a BEER, slowing down to yell at me while I walk down the street in the middle of the day, among all these families at this vacation spot...... How not sexy. Grow up!
And if you are one of the girls that gives into this BS behavior by men - STOP IT. They only do stuff like this because it works enough of the time to make it worth trying. I want to slap YOU harder than THEM. Stop handing over your power. Stop drooling on yourselves because some moron with a microphone was able to string 4 words together to make a sentence. Yes sweetheart, it's part of the show. I've heard that line no less than 500 times; I've seen the man behind the curtain, I can promise you that nothing is at it appears.
I have been blessed with AMAZING friends - whether they are here for a reason, a season or a lifetime, I value these relationships highly. They are more reliable & genuine than my FOO ties.
DD has been reflecting my parenting back to me just when I need it most - she is my lighthouse, that beacon of light that keeps me on course. She is the reason all the pain is worth it - when she shows me that breaking the patterns is paying off by her happiness, her successes & her eternal optimism & then parrots my own parenting advice back to me when I need to hear it myself. Thank God I am open to hearing it.
Overall I'm at a point in my personal path where I have got to find some new Thing To Do no matter what. A hobby, a new career goal, something...... once I have DD safely tucked away for a month, my personal identity crisis is REALLY going to hit hard!!
Sorry this was so long guys. I actually cut a lot out if you can believe it!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Thanks for the update. I enjoyed reading it and I'm glad that you had a good time and had the chance to have your meltdown with someone on your side
I completely understand the financial situation. I am there right now.
I have a new friend at work. In a lot of ways we are so opposite, but she said she felt a connection to me right away (not a relationship connection ) and we have the same birthday.
I completely understand the financial situation. I am there right now.
I have a new friend at work. In a lot of ways we are so opposite, but she said she felt a connection to me right away (not a relationship connection ) and we have the same birthday.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by firebolt 
Oh FS, I just have goosebumps in admiration of your strength, fortitude, integrity and absolute grace right now.
You remind me of the legend of the phoenix, fire and all.
So I searched for some great quotes about the phoenix, rising from the ashes, and found this - and it is so fitting:
Allowing the pain of personal growth to be a crucible of your spirit-the alchemical grail through which the metal of your former self turns into gold-is one of the highest callings of life. Pain can burn you up and destroy you, or burn you up and redeem you. It can deliver you to an entrenched despair, or deliver you to your higher self. At midlife we decide, consciously or unconsciously, the path of the victim or the path of the phoenix when it is rising up at last.
Marianne Williamson
You remind me of the legend of the phoenix, fire and all.
So I searched for some great quotes about the phoenix, rising from the ashes, and found this - and it is so fitting:
Allowing the pain of personal growth to be a crucible of your spirit-the alchemical grail through which the metal of your former self turns into gold-is one of the highest callings of life. Pain can burn you up and destroy you, or burn you up and redeem you. It can deliver you to an entrenched despair, or deliver you to your higher self. At midlife we decide, consciously or unconsciously, the path of the victim or the path of the phoenix when it is rising up at last.
Marianne Williamson
You can't possibly understand how closely this hit my heart..... I identified very strongly with phoenix energy from early on in my recovery process, and even contemplated using it as a username here at SR. The only reason I didn't was because by then I also wanted a true sense of individuality, here, in this first, safe, anonymous place & there were a lot of variations of "phoenix" already in use across the forums.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this imagery because it was exactly what I felt/experienced sitting on that beach; burning up in the heat, sweating myself out in the mornings & crying myself ragged at sunset. (sidenote: biminiblue - if you're reading along, your signature line about sweat/tears/ocean ran through my mind over & over & over & over again, all weekend.
) It's beautiful to think of the resurrection - the RISE of the reborn phoenix..... but the molten process of burning down before you can rebirth is pain & ash & suffocation & short circuitry. You have to go a little crazy to appreciate your sanity.
Originally Posted by firebolt
And in the name of humor, which in my opinion is ALWAYS appropriate, i found this too :
One day soon you will meet a man, and he will rise like a phoenix from the ashes, and it is my greatest hope that he will not give you syphilis.
Friedrich Nietzsche
NOT appropriate for your situation....but I hope it gives you the belly laugh it gave me.
One day soon you will meet a man, and he will rise like a phoenix from the ashes, and it is my greatest hope that he will not give you syphilis.
Friedrich Nietzsche
NOT appropriate for your situation....but I hope it gives you the belly laugh it gave me.
I think I DID meet him this weekend! He had some of the WORST lines yet....... "So, are you married or happy?...." Yeah, easy to walk away from that. You can keep your HPV, tyvm.
Originally Posted by Sasha1972
I forget how old your DD is? but one of the unexpected perks of divorce for me was that DD and I became a team.
She has had some of the BEST reactions as she has grown up in this process. At 5 when I introduced her to the hula hoop idea, I had her stand inside of it & told her that everything in there was everything she could control in life, period. She thought for a moment & replied, "I'm pretty sure I can fit dad in here too".
But through the years, she has evolved & matured. So when she was about 8 & he got arrested for DUI, I expected her to have some kind of emotional reaction. She was like, "That sucks for him mom, but I have A LOT going on today & this week that I need to focus on... and, I mean... this is something he did TO HIMSELF, right? So, it sucks, but......." Yesssssss!
Now, it's more about making sure she remembers that Open Door stays open because she's got teenaged life happening too & lots of natural, normal life changes which is where her focus SHOULD be. Hormones certainly ramping up but so far she seems to be handling everything as well as we are, lol. She did acknowledge that it's weird & I agreed. We talked it out & realized that this is a kind of "in between" that there is no rulebook for - when most people get divorced it's immediate separation or ongoing wars & we're doing neither of those things. Beyond that - we're not ignoring the elephant in the room, we're talking directly to it & around it & addressing all the issues it brings. We don't know anyone else IRL that talks directly to their elephants so there's no point of reference for what that should look like either. Weird is the right word.
Originally Posted by PhoenixRising211
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Another great one for my collection!You guys humble me, your responses in this thread have brought me to my knees in gratitude. Your support is overwhelming & irreplaceable in my world right now because in a very, very strange way, you all know me far better than anyone in my real world outside of my very closest friends. The Warrior in me bows to the Warrior in ALL of you - she's the one running this portion of the show, for now.
Namaste.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Just to add to my signature line...
I'm one who touts the NetiPot (saline sinus rinse) as the cure for colds, allergies and headaches. I got started using it during allergy season one year and it's so much better than drugs.
So, #4 on the salt water list.
It doesn't really "go" with the poetry of Isak Dinesen's quote, though.
I'm glad you had some beach time.
I'm one who touts the NetiPot (saline sinus rinse) as the cure for colds, allergies and headaches. I got started using it during allergy season one year and it's so much better than drugs.
So, #4 on the salt water list.
It doesn't really "go" with the poetry of Isak Dinesen's quote, though.I'm glad you had some beach time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by FireSprite
"So, are you married or happy?...."
Originally Posted by FireSprite
At 5 when I introduced her to the hula hoop idea, I had her stand inside of it & told her that everything in there was everything she could control in life, period. She thought for a moment & replied, "I'm pretty sure I can fit dad in here too".
Honestly Firesprite, if I had a weekend like you had I'd need a holiday from my holiday.
I lived in that half-way house for several weeks during my first divorce. It's not pretty. Who wants to live in a place where there are big emotions floating around all the time. Not I! But, you get through it, it passes, things resolve and then you get some peace back in your life, eventually!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
FireSprite....I know it's awful to go through those emotional times. However, it happens and it sounds like you handled it, let yourself experience it, and moved forward. Great job friend.
I have had a lot of chaos around me of late, and am feeling it pretty badly. XAH won't leave me alone, oldest going through a lot of stuff. Just things that can make you feel awful, when I let it. Working on that.
Huge hugs from one momma to another!
I have had a lot of chaos around me of late, and am feeling it pretty badly. XAH won't leave me alone, oldest going through a lot of stuff. Just things that can make you feel awful, when I let it. Working on that.
Huge hugs from one momma to another!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
Fact is we can't really afford to get divorced & he has literally no where to go, having burned every possible bridge he has. I can't legally force him out of the home we jointly own & I'm in no position to hastily walk away with my kid & pets in tow.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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So glad to read your update...you have and I'm certain will continue to inspire me with your recovery and ability to handle all that is thrown your way. Thank you for continuing to share your story & wishing all the best for you & DD!
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This thread is getting long but I want to get back to some of the responses here & I like having the whole story run together when I read back later. (vs having to piece together multiple threads) I read my own history a LOT, lol.
Thanks - but I'm not sure I could say that forcing him out will work in her best interests - especially if it leaves him homeless or impacts his ability to provide for her financially. That sets ALL of us back. Right now, things are seriously uncomfortable but also a work-in-progress & he's motivated to fix his mistakes. I have no grounds to file for a RO, there are no big arguments even though we definitely have moments that challenge all of us. He's been very present with DD & attentive to her needs - more now than he has in years.
It may last a few weeks or a few months but in the meantime he accomplishes more off of my long-term to-do list in days than I can in months sometimes. Since I'm in no position to move forward in any way on my own right now, seems smart to just hold steady & try to tie up as many loose strings as possible until that next step reveals itself.
It definitely feels suffocating at times to feel sort of like a hostage to the situation, but it's up to ME to figure out what my next "thing" is too. I am really hoping that my solo time without DD will help flesh this out for me....
The sad part is that was the least ridiculous & most PG line I heard all weekend. I responded to more than one moron - "does that actually WORK??"
And just to clarify - while I love my live music/bar scene it's not like that's the only place I'm encountering this behavior. In fact, it's probably only about half of the incidents. A few weeks ago at a regular ol' chain restaurant, having dinner with my girlfriends, some guy sent me drinks but refused to identify himself. This completely, utterly creeped me out & I could not get it out of my head for days. How do I know if he followed us out of there or if it's someone I know? Never mind - it's classless to call attention to one woman out of a group like that.... so I also got the bonus of a bit of attitude from those that were more frenemy than friend.
At my hotel, I was BEYOND aware & concerned when I de-magnified my room key a few times & the guy at the front desk never had to ask my room number in order to re-key it for me.
As I was coming out of my room into the shared corridor & talking to my friend over my shoulder, some rando paused to fall into step with me & tried to add a witty, flirty comment to my conversation. Sorry, is that a My Little Pony pool float in your hand? Because you're on your way to the pool to meet your wife & kids??.... we saw you earlier, asshat. You don't need to know where we're headed out for the night, tyvm.
I forgot to include in my update that during the weekend I also had dinner with friends who happen to be a CPA & a financial planner. My CPA friend has also been battling her divorce & financial settlement from her Ex for 10 freaking years now & her story is full of all kinds of do's & don'ts.... starting with list of which attorneys in town are worth using & which I should avoid.
They helped me tear into the Balance Sheet of my Life & try to weigh in the emotional tolls as well. Both have been instrumental in helping me keep my sanity for a long time & both have been friends for decades. Everyone agrees that like it or not - it really is in MY best interests to observe, wait for more to be revealed & keep saving, planning & working toward figuring out my next steps. Most importantly - I need to rebuild a bit emotionally following having my breaks - they are necessary but draining. Enough has happened that my head is scrambled & it would be all too easy to bite off my own nose & spite my face if I'm not careful.
One day at a time right now. Things have been fairly neutral since I've been back from the beach although he has moved back into the house - I anticipated this, the heat got overwhelming very quickly. He's definitely showed more accountability in the last few weeks than he has in years- but that's hardly worth mentioning, like drops in the bucket after so much time, ya know?
Originally Posted by dawnrising
I was able to get a TRO that allowed myself and DD exclusive rights to the marital home, we proved that it was in the Childs best interest not to interrupt her school and social situation as well as providing a toxic free environment.
It may last a few weeks or a few months but in the meantime he accomplishes more off of my long-term to-do list in days than I can in months sometimes. Since I'm in no position to move forward in any way on my own right now, seems smart to just hold steady & try to tie up as many loose strings as possible until that next step reveals itself.
It definitely feels suffocating at times to feel sort of like a hostage to the situation, but it's up to ME to figure out what my next "thing" is too. I am really hoping that my solo time without DD will help flesh this out for me....
Originally Posted by trailmix
If someone said this to me i'm not sure if I would start laughing or bonk them on the head. It's - yeah.
And just to clarify - while I love my live music/bar scene it's not like that's the only place I'm encountering this behavior. In fact, it's probably only about half of the incidents. A few weeks ago at a regular ol' chain restaurant, having dinner with my girlfriends, some guy sent me drinks but refused to identify himself. This completely, utterly creeped me out & I could not get it out of my head for days. How do I know if he followed us out of there or if it's someone I know? Never mind - it's classless to call attention to one woman out of a group like that.... so I also got the bonus of a bit of attitude from those that were more frenemy than friend.
At my hotel, I was BEYOND aware & concerned when I de-magnified my room key a few times & the guy at the front desk never had to ask my room number in order to re-key it for me.
As I was coming out of my room into the shared corridor & talking to my friend over my shoulder, some rando paused to fall into step with me & tried to add a witty, flirty comment to my conversation. Sorry, is that a My Little Pony pool float in your hand? Because you're on your way to the pool to meet your wife & kids??.... we saw you earlier, asshat. You don't need to know where we're headed out for the night, tyvm.
I forgot to include in my update that during the weekend I also had dinner with friends who happen to be a CPA & a financial planner. My CPA friend has also been battling her divorce & financial settlement from her Ex for 10 freaking years now & her story is full of all kinds of do's & don'ts.... starting with list of which attorneys in town are worth using & which I should avoid.
They helped me tear into the Balance Sheet of my Life & try to weigh in the emotional tolls as well. Both have been instrumental in helping me keep my sanity for a long time & both have been friends for decades. Everyone agrees that like it or not - it really is in MY best interests to observe, wait for more to be revealed & keep saving, planning & working toward figuring out my next steps. Most importantly - I need to rebuild a bit emotionally following having my breaks - they are necessary but draining. Enough has happened that my head is scrambled & it would be all too easy to bite off my own nose & spite my face if I'm not careful.
One day at a time right now. Things have been fairly neutral since I've been back from the beach although he has moved back into the house - I anticipated this, the heat got overwhelming very quickly. He's definitely showed more accountability in the last few weeks than he has in years- but that's hardly worth mentioning, like drops in the bucket after so much time, ya know?
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