Divorce it is!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,240
I remember praying a lot for the right
decision, direction, strength, and guidance
when it came to my own separation and
divorce.
Many of us have also been there, done
the same similar steps as you and finding
the proper resolution to the situation.
For me, since I was the one to leave the
non alcoholic and move on and forward,
less communication to avoid confrontation,
emotions, stress, anxiety, on both sides
the lawyers did the work for us.
Papers were drawn and sent back and
forth between us with me in Louisiana
and him in Texas.
For us, our 25 yr marriage ended without
drama and my sobriety in tact.
Of course, for each situation it maybe
different. Stay strong, willing to do what
is necessary to reach that peace and
serenity you are striving for towards
the end.
decision, direction, strength, and guidance
when it came to my own separation and
divorce.
Many of us have also been there, done
the same similar steps as you and finding
the proper resolution to the situation.
For me, since I was the one to leave the
non alcoholic and move on and forward,
less communication to avoid confrontation,
emotions, stress, anxiety, on both sides
the lawyers did the work for us.
Papers were drawn and sent back and
forth between us with me in Louisiana
and him in Texas.
For us, our 25 yr marriage ended without
drama and my sobriety in tact.
Of course, for each situation it maybe
different. Stay strong, willing to do what
is necessary to reach that peace and
serenity you are striving for towards
the end.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
FireSprite, there is nothing I can say that others have not already said. I'm sorry to have not seen this thread until now, but please know that you and DD are in my heart. You have indeed been an inspiration to so many of us here at SR, and you've done so much to encourage others to think, to feel, to grow, to learn.
I'm sorry to find that you're at this point, but with all you've learned and all the hard work you've done, I have to believe that it's where you are supposed to be.
I'm sorry to find that you're at this point, but with all you've learned and all the hard work you've done, I have to believe that it's where you are supposed to be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,781
You guys, 
Definitely this is a roller coaster of emotions & it's still so early in the process & I can see how it may very well be the process itself that is the icing on the cake of my exhaustion.
At this point, my husband is avoiding even discussing the parameters of separating so this is a very strange in-between. He's refusing to accept the idea of divorce. The deflection, blame-shifting, externalization & ongoing BS is just 50 shades of dramatic to my senses - quack, quack, quack.
My biggest nightmare is having all this drag out because he can hide away so well, he can be impossible to find in order to serve with paperwork once I have it all done on my side. One of my best buddies is still in court with her divorce ten years later & it's horrendous to watch. A few weeks ago, she joked to me, "if I had to do it over again, I wouldn't get divorced, I'd just kill him & go to jail for murder. Upstanding citizen, no priors - I'd've been out in 5 yrs with good behavior & been able to move ON already." Funny, not funny but I understand how this process has eroded her in so many ways - it's kind of awesome that she CAN joke about it however passive-aggressively.
Since all this is coming to a head for me, there have been lots of personal AHA moments that are hard but necessary. Facing truths, ripping off masks, exposing secrets, embracing my shadows, digging in against archetypical patterns & creating new, golden energy out of the rubble. Alchemy at it's finest & most painful - that's what these types of life transitions essentially are.
My discussions with DD last night/this morning have gone really, really well. No doubt she'll face some tough times & hard situations but we'll walk through that fire hand in hand. I told her this embodies one of the quotes that dots our walls (some walls of my house are covered) - that we can read it every day but today we are LIVING it:
"Be messy & complicated & afraid but show up anyway" - Glennon Doyle
We are here DD, in the arena, showing up. Her father's absence to that speaks for itself - she reacted almost exactly like I expected.... she's connected the dots the same as me & has been paying attention to all those talks we've had along the way.
Opening up about this to my boss/friend has allowed her some space to bring some of her vulnerabilities to the table & share stuff she's been sitting on as well - so I'm grateful for the opportunity to help my very, very good friend collaterally. Her support has been incredible.
My BFF texted me more in relation to my FOO issues (see my other active thread, oy, it's really slings & arrows on all sides here folks... seriously... locked in the arena & it's hostile) & she told me that it's too bad my FOO can't appreciate me as a human being separate from their expectations of me because I'm " a truly amazing person that she's proud to know".
You all have reached out to me here, via PMs, texts & emails & I am overwhelmed at the support.
I went to a favorite client's this afternoon on my way home because we are helping her transition to an assisted facility soon & at nearly 97, she's one sharp, tough & loving chick that I respect tremendously. As she was thanking me for coming by to save her the drive (! - 97!) she stopped suddenly & said, "Fire, you are one of my FAVORITE people!"
And there have been a dozen other synchronicities & signals. I hear you HP - I am catching your signs. I am on the right path. I am a good person worthy of everything waiting for me on the other side of this trauma.
Definitely this is a roller coaster of emotions & it's still so early in the process & I can see how it may very well be the process itself that is the icing on the cake of my exhaustion.
At this point, my husband is avoiding even discussing the parameters of separating so this is a very strange in-between. He's refusing to accept the idea of divorce. The deflection, blame-shifting, externalization & ongoing BS is just 50 shades of dramatic to my senses - quack, quack, quack.
My biggest nightmare is having all this drag out because he can hide away so well, he can be impossible to find in order to serve with paperwork once I have it all done on my side. One of my best buddies is still in court with her divorce ten years later & it's horrendous to watch. A few weeks ago, she joked to me, "if I had to do it over again, I wouldn't get divorced, I'd just kill him & go to jail for murder. Upstanding citizen, no priors - I'd've been out in 5 yrs with good behavior & been able to move ON already." Funny, not funny but I understand how this process has eroded her in so many ways - it's kind of awesome that she CAN joke about it however passive-aggressively.
Since all this is coming to a head for me, there have been lots of personal AHA moments that are hard but necessary. Facing truths, ripping off masks, exposing secrets, embracing my shadows, digging in against archetypical patterns & creating new, golden energy out of the rubble. Alchemy at it's finest & most painful - that's what these types of life transitions essentially are.
My discussions with DD last night/this morning have gone really, really well. No doubt she'll face some tough times & hard situations but we'll walk through that fire hand in hand. I told her this embodies one of the quotes that dots our walls (some walls of my house are covered) - that we can read it every day but today we are LIVING it:
"Be messy & complicated & afraid but show up anyway" - Glennon Doyle
We are here DD, in the arena, showing up. Her father's absence to that speaks for itself - she reacted almost exactly like I expected.... she's connected the dots the same as me & has been paying attention to all those talks we've had along the way.
Opening up about this to my boss/friend has allowed her some space to bring some of her vulnerabilities to the table & share stuff she's been sitting on as well - so I'm grateful for the opportunity to help my very, very good friend collaterally. Her support has been incredible.
My BFF texted me more in relation to my FOO issues (see my other active thread, oy, it's really slings & arrows on all sides here folks... seriously... locked in the arena & it's hostile) & she told me that it's too bad my FOO can't appreciate me as a human being separate from their expectations of me because I'm " a truly amazing person that she's proud to know".
You all have reached out to me here, via PMs, texts & emails & I am overwhelmed at the support.
I went to a favorite client's this afternoon on my way home because we are helping her transition to an assisted facility soon & at nearly 97, she's one sharp, tough & loving chick that I respect tremendously. As she was thanking me for coming by to save her the drive (! - 97!) she stopped suddenly & said, "Fire, you are one of my FAVORITE people!"
And there have been a dozen other synchronicities & signals. I hear you HP - I am catching your signs. I am on the right path. I am a good person worthy of everything waiting for me on the other side of this trauma.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Amen FS!!!! If there is anyone I know who has tried with all her might, it is you. You are an amazing mom, and your husband had all the chances in the world to make it an amazing marriage. You deserve happiness, calm, and to enjoy your sweet DD's growth along the way.
So if I understand correctly, he has went absent? I can understand your fear about it, but keep your HP in the front all of the time, and have faith.
Huge hugs friend!
So if I understand correctly, he has went absent? I can understand your fear about it, but keep your HP in the front all of the time, and have faith.
Huge hugs friend!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,781
Yep - it's his pattern to hide away when he's drowning in his own shame spiral & the consequences of living with his choices. He's been living in the detached garage since the beginning of the year so he can come & go without interacting with me if he chooses.
Whether he thinks that time will cool things off enough for me to somehow change my mind or what, idk. We text & truthfully, when he's going through the anger stages, I'm happy enough for him to stay away. I'm not afraid I just don't even want to deal with it - it's not a constructive atmosphere for anyone.... never mind he has no right being angry with anyone but himself so he can keep it TO himself.
I have no idea if he has a place lined up to live or what but I need to know what the plans are for the next couple of weeks at the least.
It can't go like this forever. DD has a school event tomorrow & he's obviously supposed to be staying with her while I'm away next weekend. I'm working from home for the rest of the week so he can't sneak through while I'm at the office - he has to face me eventually.
Whether he thinks that time will cool things off enough for me to somehow change my mind or what, idk. We text & truthfully, when he's going through the anger stages, I'm happy enough for him to stay away. I'm not afraid I just don't even want to deal with it - it's not a constructive atmosphere for anyone.... never mind he has no right being angry with anyone but himself so he can keep it TO himself.
I have no idea if he has a place lined up to live or what but I need to know what the plans are for the next couple of weeks at the least.
It can't go like this forever. DD has a school event tomorrow & he's obviously supposed to be staying with her while I'm away next weekend. I'm working from home for the rest of the week so he can't sneak through while I'm at the office - he has to face me eventually.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
One day at a time. Breathe deeply. Listen to the music in your soul. If you're not hearing it, get tuned in. 
What are you doing for fun today? Choose your focus. More of what you focus on brings more of "that".
Nothing you don't already have in your heart. Just words. Flowing. Have a beautiful day, my friend. ((((hugs))))
What are you doing for fun today? Choose your focus. More of what you focus on brings more of "that".
Nothing you don't already have in your heart. Just words. Flowing. Have a beautiful day, my friend. ((((hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Oh FS, I just have goosebumps in admiration of your strength, fortitude, integrity and absolute grace right now.
You remind me of the legend of the phoenix, fire and all.
So I searched for some great quotes about the phoenix, rising from the ashes, and found this - and it is so fitting:
Allowing the pain of personal growth to be a crucible of your spirit-the alchemical grail through which the metal of your former self turns into gold-is one of the highest callings of life. Pain can burn you up and destroy you, or burn you up and redeem you. It can deliver you to an entrenched despair, or deliver you to your higher self. At midlife we decide, consciously or unconsciously, the path of the victim or the path of the phoenix when it is rising up at last.
Marianne Williamson
And in the name of humor, which in my opinion is ALWAYS appropriate, i found this too :
One day soon you will meet a man, and he will rise like a phoenix from the ashes, and it is my greatest hope that he will not give you syphilis.
Friedrich Nietzsche
NOT appropriate for your situation....but I hope it gives you the belly laugh it gave me.
With all the stuff on your plate right now, you sound like you are in a great place. Like you are walking a little bit lighter, with a little bit clearer vision for your life. Much love to you!
You remind me of the legend of the phoenix, fire and all.
So I searched for some great quotes about the phoenix, rising from the ashes, and found this - and it is so fitting:
Allowing the pain of personal growth to be a crucible of your spirit-the alchemical grail through which the metal of your former self turns into gold-is one of the highest callings of life. Pain can burn you up and destroy you, or burn you up and redeem you. It can deliver you to an entrenched despair, or deliver you to your higher self. At midlife we decide, consciously or unconsciously, the path of the victim or the path of the phoenix when it is rising up at last.
Marianne Williamson
And in the name of humor, which in my opinion is ALWAYS appropriate, i found this too :
One day soon you will meet a man, and he will rise like a phoenix from the ashes, and it is my greatest hope that he will not give you syphilis.
Friedrich Nietzsche
NOT appropriate for your situation....but I hope it gives you the belly laugh it gave me.
With all the stuff on your plate right now, you sound like you are in a great place. Like you are walking a little bit lighter, with a little bit clearer vision for your life. Much love to you!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
It sounds like you are doing everything right. When you wrote about your ex hanging out in the garage, I thought "yep, 'detached' seems to describe him pretty well - what an appropriate lair to hide in".
I forget how old your DD is? but one of the unexpected perks of divorce for me was that DD and I became a team. We don't always super-like each other and I
l'll never make the mistake of treating my daughter like my best friend, but I've had the opportunity to be present for her in ways that were never possible before.
With the dread about legal stuff - the only advice I would have is to educate yourself about laws in your state and about important court cases that have provided precedents in family law. If you live anywhere near a university, a law librarian can be a great resource. This will make you more empowered once you get into lawyering, and will enable you to do some of the work yourself (and will help you help others, because other people will start turning to you for advice). I joke that my retirement plan includes opening Sasha's One-Stop Free Legal Aid Service for Distressed Gentlewomen and -men.
I think you are doing really, really well with it all.
I forget how old your DD is? but one of the unexpected perks of divorce for me was that DD and I became a team. We don't always super-like each other and I
l'll never make the mistake of treating my daughter like my best friend, but I've had the opportunity to be present for her in ways that were never possible before.
With the dread about legal stuff - the only advice I would have is to educate yourself about laws in your state and about important court cases that have provided precedents in family law. If you live anywhere near a university, a law librarian can be a great resource. This will make you more empowered once you get into lawyering, and will enable you to do some of the work yourself (and will help you help others, because other people will start turning to you for advice). I joke that my retirement plan includes opening Sasha's One-Stop Free Legal Aid Service for Distressed Gentlewomen and -men.
I think you are doing really, really well with it all.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I'm so sorry, my friend! I remember when I went through my divorce that there were days when I had to take things one little minute at a time and said, "Screw this one day at a time crap!". You will be OK, he will be OK. Sending you light and love and lots of virtual hugs today. (((fire sprite)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,781
Hey Guys, just checking in quickly. It's been a very busy weekend & now I'm on crunch-time at the office to tie up lots of loose ends so I can be out for a couple of days & not worry over small (but important)stuff.
In a nutshell, he has moved more permanently into the garage for the time being & insists that nothing is so broken it can't be fixed with time & faith. (easy to say on his side of the equation, eh?) He takes 100% accountability for himself but refuses to seriously discuss divorce in any way. He says he'll sign whatever in put in front of him but will not participate one tiny bit in the process of making it happen. He says this now - I have zero expectation that he'd be so passive over the long haul.
Fact is we can't really afford to get divorced & he has literally no where to go, having burned every possible bridge he has. I can't legally force him out of the home we jointly own & I'm in no position to hastily walk away with my kid & pets in tow. I've checked into alternate living in my area several times over this last year & it's far more expensive for me to move than to stay in my home. I don't want to have the stress of him being homeless while we have joint liabilities, etc. I don't want DD stressing over that & blaming me for it irrationally.
I've been baby stepping toward all of this for months now so it looks like I'm reverting back to Plan A for the time being - trying to communicate as best we can toward common goals like household repairs, paying down joint debts & our kid's well being. I say it like that & he hears that plus some implied promise that that would somehow equate to fixing US no matter how many times I try to explain the separation of it all. Forget it - I can't find any new way to say the same thing & I'm OVER trying. For now, I want peace in my home, not ongoing daily battles & war cries. That's all just distraction anyway, ain't nobody got time for that!
The biggest change is that DD is in the mix now, at my insistence. She's too old & too actively in my everyday life to pretend things are any way other than what they are. It's been a long, very rainy weekend with all 3 of us hostage together in our home & it was definitely weird. We are used to him running away & hiding so just having him there changed the dynamics. He's not a fan of his secrets being out & having to look DD in the eye knowing she knows so much. Like I told her -- those are his consequences & something he should've been thinking about while choosing his behavior.
My biggest concern, shallow or not, was making sure that they were OK to spend next weekend together while I'm away. I am NOT cancelling - I need this more than ever & he has ruined my last 2 getaways so I'll be damned if that's happening again. It's also not JUST my weekend - other friends are in the mix too. But I won't leave DD feeling "off" or vulnerable at all.
I offered to cancel if she preferred & she adamantly refused. I offered her to join but received a horrified look in response.
She is not a fan of the beach at all so this is the LAST thing she's interested in. We talked about her splitting the time with friends, etc because my concern is him leaving her alone for lengthy periods. I don't want her sitting home lonely & not sharing it with me in order to protect MY feelings/time. We aren't THAT far away & my lost deposits wouldn't equate to that much compared to her emotional balance. Following this weekend, I have no reason to believe he'll leave her hanging, but we'll take it a day at a time & switch to Plan B if need-be.
I'm exhausted. I didn't do much all weekend except rest & think & observe & self-care & I still feel like I've been run over with a truck. Emotional exhaustion is NO JOKE.
I scheduled myself for a foot massage & acupuncture (with DD) before my time off later in the week. Every time I felt overwhelmed at life over the weekend, I focused on packing my bags & on the fun & relaxation I have planned. We are finally done with DD's end of year school events now so I can relax fully for a moment before her next Great Adventure - she leaves soon for a full month away this summer. I already expected this to be a challenging time, but now - ugh. There's NO doubt in my mind.
I have more to share & lots to reply to here, but I'm already late for the "next" thing, lol. Thank you ALL for being awesome!!
In a nutshell, he has moved more permanently into the garage for the time being & insists that nothing is so broken it can't be fixed with time & faith. (easy to say on his side of the equation, eh?) He takes 100% accountability for himself but refuses to seriously discuss divorce in any way. He says he'll sign whatever in put in front of him but will not participate one tiny bit in the process of making it happen. He says this now - I have zero expectation that he'd be so passive over the long haul.
Fact is we can't really afford to get divorced & he has literally no where to go, having burned every possible bridge he has. I can't legally force him out of the home we jointly own & I'm in no position to hastily walk away with my kid & pets in tow. I've checked into alternate living in my area several times over this last year & it's far more expensive for me to move than to stay in my home. I don't want to have the stress of him being homeless while we have joint liabilities, etc. I don't want DD stressing over that & blaming me for it irrationally.
I've been baby stepping toward all of this for months now so it looks like I'm reverting back to Plan A for the time being - trying to communicate as best we can toward common goals like household repairs, paying down joint debts & our kid's well being. I say it like that & he hears that plus some implied promise that that would somehow equate to fixing US no matter how many times I try to explain the separation of it all. Forget it - I can't find any new way to say the same thing & I'm OVER trying. For now, I want peace in my home, not ongoing daily battles & war cries. That's all just distraction anyway, ain't nobody got time for that!
The biggest change is that DD is in the mix now, at my insistence. She's too old & too actively in my everyday life to pretend things are any way other than what they are. It's been a long, very rainy weekend with all 3 of us hostage together in our home & it was definitely weird. We are used to him running away & hiding so just having him there changed the dynamics. He's not a fan of his secrets being out & having to look DD in the eye knowing she knows so much. Like I told her -- those are his consequences & something he should've been thinking about while choosing his behavior.
My biggest concern, shallow or not, was making sure that they were OK to spend next weekend together while I'm away. I am NOT cancelling - I need this more than ever & he has ruined my last 2 getaways so I'll be damned if that's happening again. It's also not JUST my weekend - other friends are in the mix too. But I won't leave DD feeling "off" or vulnerable at all.
I offered to cancel if she preferred & she adamantly refused. I offered her to join but received a horrified look in response.
She is not a fan of the beach at all so this is the LAST thing she's interested in. We talked about her splitting the time with friends, etc because my concern is him leaving her alone for lengthy periods. I don't want her sitting home lonely & not sharing it with me in order to protect MY feelings/time. We aren't THAT far away & my lost deposits wouldn't equate to that much compared to her emotional balance. Following this weekend, I have no reason to believe he'll leave her hanging, but we'll take it a day at a time & switch to Plan B if need-be.I'm exhausted. I didn't do much all weekend except rest & think & observe & self-care & I still feel like I've been run over with a truck. Emotional exhaustion is NO JOKE.
I scheduled myself for a foot massage & acupuncture (with DD) before my time off later in the week. Every time I felt overwhelmed at life over the weekend, I focused on packing my bags & on the fun & relaxation I have planned. We are finally done with DD's end of year school events now so I can relax fully for a moment before her next Great Adventure - she leaves soon for a full month away this summer. I already expected this to be a challenging time, but now - ugh. There's NO doubt in my mind.
I have more to share & lots to reply to here, but I'm already late for the "next" thing, lol. Thank you ALL for being awesome!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Friend, it is truly one day at a time. It sounds like you have a Plan A and a Plan B for your DD for the upcoming time, and that is excellent, and all you have to figure out for now.
Big hugs. Keep packing those bags because you most certainly deserve it!!!
Big hugs. Keep packing those bags because you most certainly deserve it!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 90
FireSprite, you have been one I have followed for advice since minute one. Look at your lovely, carefully thought out, emotionally intelligent posts, even in just this thread. Look how much you've tried to make this work and how much you care about your daughter. You are incredible. You deserve only the very best.
I got divorced in 2011. It is most certainly one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. But once you have that gumption, that catalyst, that you know this is what's best, it all becomes more clear. It gets easier to take those steps you need to take.
One day at a time. Be gentle with yourself. Keep your wits about you. Talk with those who have been divorced in your state. It's good to hear their strategies when they were getting divorced, as well.
Sending you a huge hug! I hope your trip stays in place, DD is looked after by your AH and that you can enjoy your time away.
I am also a collector of quotes....this one got me through my divorce and the loss of my mom. I hope it helps you too.
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
My heart is with you! Hugs!
I got divorced in 2011. It is most certainly one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. But once you have that gumption, that catalyst, that you know this is what's best, it all becomes more clear. It gets easier to take those steps you need to take.
One day at a time. Be gentle with yourself. Keep your wits about you. Talk with those who have been divorced in your state. It's good to hear their strategies when they were getting divorced, as well.
Sending you a huge hug! I hope your trip stays in place, DD is looked after by your AH and that you can enjoy your time away.
I am also a collector of quotes....this one got me through my divorce and the loss of my mom. I hope it helps you too.
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
My heart is with you! Hugs!
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